Flowergirlie Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I try and try to take care of my husband and make sure he has what he needs and the best quality of life possible right now and what do I get? He is slamming against the bathroom door first thing in the morning while I am trying to get ready for work after I massaged his aching back and neck for 25 minutes (out of the little bit of time I usually allow myself in the morning), screaming and telling me he is going to throw all of us out of the house. How many times does he have to call me stupid and complain about what I haven't gotten done? I am at work and en route to work for 11 hours of my day so I can pay all the bills, only to come home and make dinner and clean up after everyone and everything and I certainly get NO THANK YOU from him, no peace of mind, just screamed at! I am sorry for complaining but I have had it! The good days are special but there are not many of them anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 You are a much better woman that I am. I would have already set him straight. This is not your fault. I am sure he is angry and we all take out our frustrations on the ones we love the most, but there are things that can be done by him to control that. Is he taking any anti-depressants or anxiety meds? We can only imagine what he is going through, but I know he needs you and he needs to try and deal with this better. I hope things settle down for you. I wish I knew what to tell you to do, but I certainly think you need a break. Is there anyone who can relieve you for a day or so? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I am so sorry you have to go through so much at one time. Your husband is angry -- angry at his status at a young age -- and instead of venting that anger in appropriate ways, he is turning it on you. Everyone affected by lung cancer goes a little crazy at times. I hope you will find some peace and rest in all this. You need to take care of yourself as well. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I am so sorry things are so bad for you right now. I cannot imagine how you are coping. I wish so much that I had answers but all I can do is offer you my prayers and let you know we are all here for you. I do feel that you need to speak to your husbands doctor and let him know how he is acting. It would seem that they can offer him something to keep that anger (which is understandable in his situation) in check and maybe help him cope better with everything. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are. We care... Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am praying for you and your husband.Just remember this is NOT who he is, it is this damn disease. ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowergirlie Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 I do not have help in town. His folks came up to help out and they left within 5 days because he was so mean and they couldn't take it. I try so hard to be strong for the whole family but I have feelings too! I know he is angry about cancer, we are all angry about his cancer, and scared! He is facing the fight of his life and we all stand by his side through the emotions and weakness and all the different elements that come along. We had plans of growing old together and travelling and living in the mountains someday. Once in a while he remembers how well we have always gotten along and the rest of the time he treats me like I am worthless. There are no guarantees in life FOR ANYONE. If we could all understand that every day is a day to be thankful for and make the most out of because we do not know what tomorrow will bring, I think everyone would be a little happier. My husband does not see that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Has your husband been offered counseling at all to help him come to terms with the cancer diagnosis? I have to admit, most if not all of my experience with this hell came from Canada, the doctor made sure that while Brad was having his chemo there was a clinical social worker on site as well as volunteer counselors who happened to be cancer patients or survivors. It was so helpful for him to have people right there as he was doing the treatments to sit and talk with him, offer him advice and a shoulder to lean on if he needed and wanted one. Just a thought but from all you are saying here, if you can get away and pursue some type of therapy for yourself it would probably be a great thing. Please remember that YOU have to take care of yourself in all of this somehow in order to take care of your husband. Keep posting, let us know how you are and what we can do. Drop me a p~m if you would like to talk more. I am always willing to listen and will do what I can.... Hugs Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 If this behavior is not usual for your husband maybe they should do a brain MRI. Perhaps his demeaner is due a brain met? some folks who tend to be cross and demanding may just get worse under stressful circumstances. So if he is usually unkind to you I would take steps to ensure safety for you and your children. No child should have these memories to live with. Is he the father of these children? If not could they stay w/ their biological dad? I wish I could help. Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowergirlie Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 He is not usually like this. I am going to talk to his doctor about doing another brain scan. We had about 3 days this week that were fantastic and then a VERY dramatic change again. He will not take the anti-depressants or anti-anxiety anymore, because "he doesn't need them." I can send my kids to some friends of mine's house for a diversion but I hate to send them off because they already feel insecure. We are starting family counseling next week, minus my husband (because he doesn't need it) to see if that will offer any relief too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelepal Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Oh Sweeetie! I'm so so sorry your having to deal with all this difficult crap! I only wish there was something I could do for you besides pray. Please try to stay strong and remember we are all here for you... (((HUGS))) LOve, Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastCoastLadi Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Flowergirlie, you know i know all about what you are going thru. look at it this way, as a man, he is being denied his freedom because of this cancer, he is actively grieving, going thru the stages, anger being one of the first things.... Of course, he probably is depressed, and rightfully so, but if he's anything like my husband and unfortunately like many others, don't want to talk to anyone, let alone therapy. i also want to let you know, and I am assuming, but if your husbands' chemo is the same as my husbands' first treatment, he's now experiencing the cumulative effects of all of it. He's probably been given steriods as part of his chemo, and when my husband did, I hated that the most, he became a total pain in the u know what...... I've been going thru this now for over a year w/ my husband, and he has the same diagnosis as yours. right now he isn't working, so he's dealing w/ cancer, not able to work, and now not able to drive, he isn't always the most pleasant person to be around. but it's the way that it is. I won't sugar coat this, your life has changed permanently, I used to think about all the things we were going to do for and in our futures. my husband has his fighting attitude, which has helped him alot. you know your the closest person to your husband so you are the one that is going to get his wrath! I get it too! As spouses we learn the hard way, most days there aren't enough hours. you get so, so tired, you're in shock, you're angry, why?.....and as a mom, you may ask why do our children need to go thru this, they are too young! I know this may sound like it is impossible at this time, but I'm going to give you some advice/suggestions, you may or may not want it, but as someone who has been dragged thru almost everything, maybe it can help you and your family a little bit. - i would also suggest talking to your husbands drs. and nurses where he is getting treatment, let them know about his anger, he may need medication like ativan to calm him down - hook up w/ the social worker where he is getting treatment, let him/her help you out, point you to difference services, help you and your family may qualify for - if you're not in counseling, i would highly suggest it. you need to vent, to someone who can be open to you. you are grieving too, and I know with my grief it is anticipatory, it goes in cycles, some span of times, I'm ok, but then I go downhill at any given time. - also i know you have young children, i do too 8 and 11, please if you haven't already, (whether or not he is there bio. dad or step dad), talk to the teachers and administrators at their school(s)!!! My girls school has been wonderful, they even helped us out at Christmas last year.... please, please know you can PM me anytime.....I do know how you feel... Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I have been thinking about you a lot this week. I'm so glad you posted! OK, I'll probably get hollerd at for this suggestion, but I have two friends whose husbands are on anti-depressants, and they don't know it. Both men refused them (one is even on anti-psychotics to deal with fall out from WBR). They are told that the meds are for other things. Maybe your husband is too savvy for that, but it's a thought. I don't know what else to say--just know we care about you, and keep us updated, OK? Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 As I was reading through the thread, I thought maybe his behavior is medical- from a chemical imbalance or brain tumor- then I see someone suggested that. Then I read Grace's post and I think she has hit the nail on the head if your husband is on steroids. We have had many many posts here about wonderful people that turned very aggressive and mean on steroids. No matter what though-- you have to talk to the doctor and be very specific about the behavior because this has to stop. I feel badly for you -- wish I could be of more help. Oh and Kelly.... great minds must think alike because I was thinking if it were me I'd be spiking his coffee with the meds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowergirlie Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 That worked for 3 weeks. It was actually an improved 3 weeks. He agreed that he needed the anti-depressants when I first finally had to tell him to keep taking them and why and then he concluded that his doctor didn't really want him taking anything (that's funny, the doctor prescribed them). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I was wondering about steroids too... they can really mess a person up. I don't have any helpful words of advice or wisdom, but I do want to send you my support. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Even if your husband won't allow himself to get help, be sure that YOU do. I'm glad that you're going to do some family counseling. Praying that things will settle down for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said. But I am hoping and praying that not only this disease goes away, but so does the emotional effects it is having. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEA Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 It is so sad and disappointing when a family faces such a difficult time. There is no easy way to fix it...we simply have to live through it. Thank God for this site and the wonderful people who listen, give advice and hold us up. I hope the family counseling helps you and your children. Prayers going up for all of you. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missyk Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 If he was taking the anti-depressants for three weeks then decided "the doctor didn't want me to take anything"...really seems like a chemo reaction, to me. When Mom did that (and she did! wow! I'd almost forgotten that!) it was when she was on chemo only, no steriods, and her doctors warned us (as did some family friends) that she might become somewhat paranoid...thinking we were all out to get her and stuff like that. It was a hard time for us as I know it is for you. Much love and many prayers that things will even out soon and you'll get him back to his "old self"...at least in personality. xoxo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 When my mom refusaed to take anti depressants and she was being abusice I told on her. I called her nurse practioner (she gave me her card at one point and some times my mom would see her instead of her oncologist) and had a long talk and they actually called her in for an appointment. She was very firm with my mom (mom wouldnt listen to us, we had no credibility) She asked how all of the drugs were working.. anti nausea, decadron etc... THEN She said "If I give you a perscription I expect you to take it. If it is not working for you then you need to let us know so we can do something else. If you refuse to take our advice for treatment then you will have to go to another cancer care center. We have to work together and if you do not feel that we are doing the right thing you have to let us know" This was incredibly humbling for my mom who never had a clue that I called her. She started taking her meds, (with a petualnt child attitude) and we also discovered that she was taking way too much decadron, she could't tolerate such a high dose so they tapered it off. You are in my prayers, I don't know how you do it. You are living with a stranger at times and I can't imagine how it must hurt you. It is a Thankless position to be in... so come in here and we will give you words of encouragement and support. We will thank you. There is something to talking to people who 'get it'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamHol Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Flowergirl ......... complain all you want on here, find someone to complain to face to face if needed. It's unfortunately part of the process ... it's hard without the medical tests. It could be his anger or it could be the cancer changing this function and perception in the brian. It sounds easier than it is .... to explain it takes a moment ... to endure it takes alot longer. You have a very long time to forgive him, just remember that. Find your anger release somewhere by jogging or walking or sitting in the backyard ... what ever works. Remember you only have to endure this for a short time, but you have the rest of your life to forgive and forget. Good luck to you, Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Nothing to add to the great advice you have been given..please take care of YOU and the kids and let us know how things are. So sorry things are awful. Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I'm glad to see you post -- I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how things were going..... You've gotten great advice and I would agree that this has to be either steroid-induced, chemo-brain related, mets, or just plain the darn disease and how it can affect body chemistry on its own. I probably sound like the "bad guy," but I won't mince words -- aggressive behavior is inexcusable no matter what the cause; it must be taken in hand now and addressed professionally: it's not OK and it could get worse over time. I frankly worry about you and your children's safety when I see things like slamming on the bathroom door. You are exploring all the right things, but I am gonna' add one more thing for you to have "in your back pocket" if you need it -- find the 24/7 phone number for your local women's crisis shelter and have it readily available to you if you need it. If you ever find yourself where you feel personally threatened (or your children), CALL THEM immediately and they will help you remove yourself from the situation in that moment. Crisis shelters are really-well connected to community resources and they can help you better resolve the situation if things get really out of hand, I'm sure. It's at least a place to turn if you need to until this all gets straightened out better. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TamHol Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I agree ............. My neighbour had an experience where her husband became very verbally abusive, it was the first sign of the cancer invading the brian. The abuse worsened as the cancer entered more of the brian. At 2am he man handled and shoved her into a closet, tried to lock it while slamming the door on her hand. This is not your average 83yr old man ....... she knew it was time to have him in a hospital. Either way you have to start looking at you and the kids safety ... you can't keep quiet about the possibility of this. If he has any ability to restrain himself he likely will do his best. You must start looking at the options ahead. Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Flowergirl, Wow -- not only are you in the midst of dealing with the diagnosis, but to have hubby flip out too is really unfair. I saw my BIL get very aggressive when he had brain tumors, so that could be a possibility. My SIL had to get one of the kids to be around, as she felt vulnerable. I also saw my best friend begin to treat her husband like s**t as her disease progressed. We thought she was letting out 30 years of pent-up rage against him, so that is probably not your case. Her rage was, however, only directed at her husband and nobody else. I have no solutions or experience in my own situation, so I'm just sending you my very best and ((((hugs)))) to hang onto. Others have posted options for you to pursue. Keep unloading here -- we are all available and you need someone to vent to. Warm regards, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pammie Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 So thankful you have a place to vent some feelings Flower. This is a frustrating disease and along with all the meds and mets can tear up the whole family. Your hubby needs to see the big picture. It is not just about him. If he conquers this he will be ashamed of the way he acted to the family. If he doesn't make it does he want to leave bad memories for the kids and his family? One thing i really admire about so many cancer victims is THE WAY they handle the disease with: humor, determination, information, love of others, appreciation, service (yes you can serve while ill). I am sure your husband is scared. Perhaps counseling with a minister or social worker would help. He has to make some steps himself. No one can live or die for him. You may have to get in his face and tell him he is not the only person in the world, always with love and concern. Will be praying for your family and especially you Flower, pammie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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