I need to vent

[wendyr]

Please allow me to vent. For the second time today and God knows how many times in the past 9 months I have been asked ' did your husband smoke ' It is almost as if people think he deserves to have lung cancer. What the h-ll difference does it make??? He was born in 1936, I was born in 1944. We all smoked. That was the way it was for heaven's sake!!! Nobody deserves this disease. We did not bring it on ourselves despite what the sanctimonious jerks out there think. I see them nod knowingly and continue on their way, secure in the knowledge that Maurice deserves what he got. Y'all have had this experience, I know. How have you handled it. How, on a bad day, do you control the rage? How do refrain from popping them in the mouth. How do you explain that non smokers get it also. I've had a bad day and unfortunately ran into some people who were not aware of my husband's situation and the self righteous smuggness about drove me crazy

[RandyW]

Vent Away!!!! Some people can be so rude sometimes and Just Plain Horses Patooties. I Do not blame you for being upset at all and agree with you. Prayers FOr Better DAy tomorrow.

[wendyr]

Thanks Randy, but I still resist the urge to pop them in the mouth

[Suzie Q]

I say, "Why do you ask?"

That puts the ball in their court. If they want to enter into a deeper discussion, fine. If not, fine.

But really, what difference does it make? Would they nod smugly if a woman had cervical cancer, figuring she MUST have contracted the sexually-transmitted HPV virus (which can cause cervical CA)?

It's hard to maintain your patience and dignity with the ignorant. But do try...most are not malicious, they are merely uninformed.

~Karen

[yellowbow]

These people that ask Did he smoke? Should ask Did he serve in Vetnam, did he work with adbest? People with small minds ask small questions. I know my spelling isn't great LOL I know how you feel. Why GI's in WW11 got smokes from Gov. Among other things. If some people only knew what things really went on would be shocked. No one should be labed with caused the cancer. This THING CANCER can hit anybody at anytime .

Pray for a cure!

[mary colleen]

Geez,

No one asks women with breast cancer if they breast fed. No one asks people with melanoma if they sunbathed excessively. I personally believe that when people do this, they are self-protecting mentally - trying to exclude themselves from the risk.

mc

[Sis]

Good Vent, Wendy!!

Just the other day someone said to me "I'm sorry you lost your sister. Did she smoke?". I wanted to say, "No, do you think when God realizes she didn't that He'll send her back to us?" What I DID respond with was, "It doesn't make any difference now, does it? Everyone is at risk of lung cancer".

So vent on... I, for one, am with you!! Ellie (Sis)

[crystleshoe]

My mom was 71 when she passed away Jan 13 2007. She smoked all her adult life and my dad also. Myself and my sisters all smoked for lots of years(1 still does) I think older (older than 30) people ask because it scares them that maybe they too will get lung cancer from smoking and younger people ask because they know all the dangers of smoking and are hoping you say no so they wont have to change their habits. My moms cancer WAS caused by her years of smoking and I tell everyone that in the hopes that if her story keeps 1 person from this hell it will be worth it. And some people are just rude and i usually just walk away from them because it takes too much energy to deal with rudeness.

[Snowflake]

I don't smoke. I'm one of those lucky young non-smoking women to get this disease. When I tell someone about having it, usually the first question is if I smoked, and I answer it with a short "no". I do think that is a loaded question and if one answers "yes", leads to a blame game...BUT, get this -

Sometimes, when I answer "no", the next question (because for some reason, people you don't know well are entitled to question your personal life) is "Did someone in your house smoke?"

So, suddenly, this has gone from something I did to myself to something someone else did to me.

Do I think smoking is bad? Yep, and I advocate quitting - BUT, were all smoking to stop today, there would STILL be lung cancer. Smoking is NOT the only cause.

You need to find a "stock" answer for the question. It has been discussed in this forum before, people who are looking to put the blame on the patient need to be educated - and sometimes, lessons are hard to swallow. It's a rude question, and one that only a new doctor should ask. Smoking can lead to many diseases, a doctor needs to know - but cripes, if someone doesn't know you well enough to know if you smoked or not by being around you, well, they don't know you enough to drill you about your habits!

Find an answer to it - if you're feeling exceptionally foul on a given day, answer "Only when asked ignorant questions such as this one..."

Vent when you need to, but don't accept blame and shame from someone who just "doesn't get it". Who are they to judge?

Take care,

Becky

[justme2007]

Wendy, I'm sorry you had such a rotten day. We all have "buttons" that people can (unknowingly many times) push. For me the smoking question doesn't come up because often I will volunteer that info about my mom when I talk about her death. Then, I often ask people if they smoke, and if so I ask them, annoyingly I suppose, to please quit. I guess you could say I am on somewhat of an anti-smoking crusade myself now.

I mean no offense or disrespect to anyone. While I realize many non-smokers get cancer, and many smokers do not, I believe my mom's smoking certainly didn't help. BUT, that doesn't make her a bad person, deserving of this awful disease.

Perhaps if I was a current smoker, I'd be more offended by the question. Smoking is VERY, VERY hard to quit. Doctors compare it to a heroin addiction. Fortunately, I quit two years ago after 23 years of smoking and numerous failed attempts. I don't believe that in any way makes me "better" than smokers though. I think my mom's terrible emphysema scared me into it. I don't take a "holier than thou" position. My position is one of genuine concern - - not wanting people to increase their risk for this disease.

My 2 cents. Peace,

Beth

[Don Wood]

People can be so insensitive. We ran into that all the time, and it made Lucie very mad. I would say, "Do you know how accusing that sounds?" And then they would respond, "Oh, I didn't mean that." But I wouldn't let them off the hook, so that the next time they are tempted to say that, they might think first.

I also took the opportunity to educate them that up to 20% of people with lung cancer never smoked nor were raised in a house with smoke.

My theory is if they can find an accuse for the disease then they can feel safe because they didn't smoke. I dispel that myth with pleasure. Don

[Bev'sSister]

I can remember the Doctor telling my sister that she has lung cancer and the first thing she said after we all stopped crying was, "I did this to myself." She was very angry for awhile. I was more angry at the tobacco companies. I am in the process of quitting now. It is very difficult. I hate the cigarette makers just as much as I hate this disease. So many things in this world revolve around the almighty dollar. They can take prayer out of school but can't take cigarettes off the market. I am rambling, but I am a little ticked. Sorry!

[Nick C]

I'm going to just TRY to put on the shoes of the other person.

I SOMETIMES believe folks ask because there is, as odd as it sounds, some comfort in knowing there is some sense in at least one cancer...as all the rest SEEM so senseless.

In some way I think some folks feel not that they are blaming, but making sense out of it.

That said, it's still insensative. I actually once when discussing my efforts to detect and cure, had one guy say, well you know what the answer is...don't smoke. This a$$ clown WAS blaming...well did he get an ear full.

But even after he got the ear full, he still didn't care I don't think.

Fact is some people are just insensative and self important, and have no regard for others...but SOME I think are just trying to make sense of the senseless.

[ztweb]

I've been part of many of these posts, and like Nick, I will put on the other shoe.

1. No one deserves to hurt you...and that sucks. I don't want you to feel hurt

2. Sometimes I wonder if people don't ask because some reason for such horror somehow makes them feel better.

3. In my heart, I don't think anyone believes anyone deserves this. I dont' think the question opens up the door to the "Oh so he deserved this" door.

On the other hand, I can see how it can be thought of this way...as my mom thinks of it when people ask her. She answers with, "Yes, he did, but he doesn't deserve this." This simple response makes her feel better.

I agre with Don that people are more insensitive than malicious.

Keep that chin up! Come up with a one-liner that you feel comfortable with...it might make you feel better.

Blessings,

Jen

[Nick C]

"In my heart, I don't think anyone believes anyone deserves this."

Not to be arguementative...but in my heart of hearts I KNOW there are people out there who believe anyone who smokes deserve it.

Hate to say it, but it's true.

I don't know that they go as far as wishing it one someone, but I know they have thought "well, they brought it upon themselves".

I know, because I know I've done it.

And HERE COMES THE MOB!!!!

Hey that's not all I've done that was wrong...I listed some other stuff to make the point...and then when I saw it I deleted...no way I'm airing all that stuff.

Until it happened to Mom, I hadn't realized that victims of lung cancer are not smokers...or non smokers for that matter. They are people who are loved and who love. And deserve to live.

I'm ashamed I thought the way I did. I'm ashamed of a lot I've done over the years because of ignorance.

So now I'll hopefully get peopel to "get it" without having to go through what I have.

[ztweb]

Interesting. I guess I never thought of that side of it. Regardless, I love your line, "victims of lung cancer are not smokers...or non smokers for that matter. They are people who are loved and who love."

Blessings,

Jen

[recce101]

[wendyr] How, on a bad day, do you control the rage? ... How do you explain that non smokers get it also.

When I run into someone I haven't seen for some time and they see my bald head, or if an old friend (not just an acquaintance) calls me on the phone and asks in a sincere way how things have been going, I steer the conversation toward chemotherapy rather than cancer. For some this is good enough. If I sense they genuinely want to know more but may be hesitant to ask, I'll tell them I don't mind talking about it, it's been quite an education for me, I have lung cancer and it came as a real shock since I quit smoking 43 years ago, but I've learned there are lots of things besides smoking that can cause it and that's happening more and more these days, then end with the clincher "You could have it too and not know about it till next year, because there are no symptoms until fairly late in the game." After they respond (perhaps with only silence) I'll say that there are lots of new treatments available, and cancer, even lung cancer, is not the automatic death sentence that it was just a few years ago.

So basically I cut 'em off at the pass and provide some unsolicited education before they have a chance to say anything stupid and insensitive.

Aloha,

Ned

[crystleshoe]

we could go round and round with people on the causes of lung cancer (or any cancer) but the fact is LUNG CANCER is a scary word and people need to have a way to wrap their brain around it and sometimes that means they have to ask questions such as did she smoke? I know that some get lung cancer without ever smoking and regardless of the "cause" this disease sucks. I also know that my moms cancer was froms years of smoking and my dad has smoked all his life also and I am scared to death that the same thing will happen to him. No one deserves this and no family should ever have to go through the hell that we have all been through. Sure.. there are some people who are mean and rude when they ask but I think these are people who are that way in general about anything and I just dont have any extra energy to give to their negativity so if i feel that they are not really caring about me then I will just cut them off and walk away.

[teriw]

Hi Wendy,

I just want to say "amen" to your vent. I feel the same way every time I'm asked. Often the follow-up question is, "has he quit now?" When the answer is "he's trying," I get this look of disbelief. Can you even think of another illness that would give people this odd sense of justification when they probe into your family's personal life? Sometimes I tell myself it's a natural question and that people are ignorant of the effect they have, sometimes I'm not so forgiving. I still haven't found a good answer. If you come up with one, let me know.

My hubby (screen name "bware21") did a post on this a couple months ago called "The Blame Game." I think it's buried down a few pages in the "General" section. As you can see here and you'll see there, many people share your frustration.

[daggiesmom]

A few years ago I had to deal with this issue. In my case, the people who gave the worst responses were people in my own "family"(in-laws). One, who is a doctor brought up smoking right away, and honestly didn't seem to be aware that non-smokers can also get this disease. It hurt. He blamed me, I know it. Another one said "people have to take responsibility for their actions" while in a rather heated discussion about tobacco companies. This occured at a family party, so, for the sake of the honoree, I stopped the conversation, but believe me, I wanted to hit this guy in the head. He does not wish me well. Thank goodness my contact with him is minimal.

Along the road I'm on I have had alot of bad experiences with people's attitudes. It seems I've lost alot of "friends" so in that respect it has been hard. But it has forced me to rethink what is a friend. Thank God for this board.

Joanie ((()))

[mamasbabygirl]

I always respond with "Why do you ask?"

[Ann]

I absolutely love an answer to this question that came from this MB some time ago. When someone asked if this person smoked, their answer was "only when I'm on fire."

That has to be my favorite. I now use it when someone asks me if Dennis was a smoker.

[Treebywater]

Mom has been gone 18 months now.... and it still gets me. And I still hear it.

I'm actually composing a blog post in my head about it right now because of an experience I had at church yesterday.

A woman in our congregation--a 49 year old woman with two teenage sons, passed away this week from this awful, mean disease. And I didn't know her, but I was devestated... Because I just am now when I hear of it happening to anyone. So I go to Bible Study yesterday and because Pastor had the funeral to do afterwards, there were some questions about the services. Someone asked what kind of cancer she had--because I pay attention to these things now, I said it was Lung Cancer.

And then they said it--Does anyone know if she smoked?

I did my best to do some education about the prevalence rising in non-smokers. That everyone is at risk. But I always feel like I do an inadequate job.

The funny thing was, for the Bible Study we were studying the book of Job. Don't know who may be familiar with that, but basically it's a story about a man who goes through immeasurable suffering, and all of his friends gather around him to provide 'comfort' read 'answers' to why this is happening to him. And they all conclude it must be because he has sinned. This is refuted in the book and the friends are even rebuked in the end for taking the position they did.

In the beginning of the book there is a verse that says, "They separate themselves because they are afraid."

And I sat in that study yesterday marvelling at how nothing had changed.... This book was possibly written in 'prehistory' and passed down until it was finally put into the canon. And STILL we make sense of suffering the same way, "It must have been something he's done." It happened that very morning before we began our study... but that was lost on most people there.

I tried several times to say that... but never found the space to voice it, and I wondered if maybe I just wasn't supposed to. Maybe it was just MY lesson yesterday.

But still--what irony, eh?

[teriw]

That was very interesting about the story of Job coming up in that circumstance. What a lesson.

Beth, I completely get where you're coming from too. That's different -- you're trying to help someone, based on your own devastating experience. The moment Bill was diagnosed, he emailed the few members of the family who still smoke and practically begged them to stop. (To my knowledge, none of them have.)

I guess it's a combination of factors that cause the responses. I do think fear plays into it. I hate to think it, but if I'm being completely honest -- before this happened to us, I very well may have been one of those who asked the dreaded question.

[wendyr]

Thank you Treebywater: That was indeed a great post re: Job. Great lesson. I was asked again yesterday (also at bible study) if my husband had been a smoker but I was feeling stronger and not so thin skinned and blew it off. Besides she was such a sweet old dear I didn't have the heart to cut into her. I am, however, working on a snappy answer for the next time I need it. I knew some of you had been handling 'the question' and your response has been very helpful. I guess we can all remember the old adage 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' even going back to biblical times. Even though I am fairly new to this forum I want to let you all know it has become a wonderful resource for me and I thank you all. It has given me perspective, strength and courage. Thank you!