Anyone hating Spring?

[MomsGirl]

Hi everyone-

I'm sorry I've been offline, we had a big family event out of town, the kids have been sick, blah, blah. And also I've been reading the posts and feeling such empathy for everyone, but just too down to post...and I feel so guilty for that. I will try to do better...

...how is everyone doing with the whole Spring/Easter/rebirth thing? I thought it would help me out, but it's just made me despondent all over again. I called my dad (who's been on a roadtrip for a month) to see if my mom's dogwood trees and azaleas were in bloom...he of course had no clue. My mom loved those trees and it took her years to get them to bloom...last year one was hit by lightning in a freak storm and broke almost in half and she was so sick from the chemo...she just sat at the kitchen table and cried, which she rarely did...I remember such a feeling of foreboding, like it was sign. Within a week they had found the brain mets and she was gone six weeks later.

I thought Winter would be terrible but it matched my mood and allowed me to hibernate, and I had a newborn baby to do it with...now with all the beauty around me...and my baby, my children and nature just blossoming and growing, I am feeling the finality and pain of this so much more. Where are the "signs"? The "feeling that she is with me"? She is just GONE. Gone. I thought I believed in the afterlife and all that, now I just don't know. I know I will go to church on Easter Sunday and feel like a fraud. And do the memories comfort me? Um, no. They hurt. They make me feel so much more what I am missing. I so admire people that can take the good stuff about their loved one, the memories and good times, and live with that...will that ever happen in my own head?

Also, is it just me, or does losing your mom just cause such a change in your family that it makes your head spin and your heart break when you think about it? My sisters and I keep things going to a degree...but there has not been a year since my mom became a grandmother (1978) that we have not had an egghunt for the kids at my parents' house, and an Easter meal. Even last year, my mom came out wrapped in a blanket and watched. This year my sister has already made plans to go to the beach, I'm not sure what my other sister is doing - they have older kids, but mine are 6, 3 and 5 months. My little ones are the ones that are missing out. I feel so lost, I know I should start new traditions, but I'm paralyzed.

We went to the cemetery today...Arlington National Cemetery. A beautiful national treasure, such an honor to buried there if you have served your country. But if it's your mom, not so much. Tourists everywhere watching you grieve, the blankness of rows of impersonal markers. We did okay for a while, left our illegal plant and cards by the stone (the cemetery is very strict)...then my son and daughter started fighting and finally I got mad and said just said let's go. My son had a breakdown and threw himself on my mom's stone saying he was sorry, saying that he wanted his nana back, that he would never see her again, etc. Then he wanted privacy (at six years old, bless his heart), so I walked the away and let him sit there for a while. (Yes, all you tourists walking by, isn't that cute watching that little boy talking to the headstone...if you dare see that as a photo op I will take your camera and throw it in the ditch) For me, NOT cute, but heartbreaking, watching him cry and tell her all those sad things. I was sick when we left. My poor kids feel the fallout from all of this and I try so hard to be brave for them. That's what my mom would have done.

Enough said, I guess. I go about my daily life, I find joy in my children and in every day things..but without my mom I feel so empty. Angry. Sad. Denied. I dream of her at least once a week, and usually I am chasing her and she won't acknowledge me. I wake up crying and I'm just down for the whole day.

I know none of this is new, just hoping that it gets better at some point. As others have said, it actually gets harder. Eight months, I can't believe it. I feel like I've been sentenced to life in prison...

[mamasbabygirl]

I was sitting on the deck this morning craving, wishing that my mom would just walk through the door, smiling as always, to see the garden we've been building.

Last year, I bought all sorts of Spring/Easter decorations for our house and yard, thinking at the time how excited mom would be to see it all. It never came to fruition. I understand, I really do.

[ztweb]

Oh Michele,

My heart just breaks for you. I pray that you are able to find peace in all this horrible reality. You are such a loving daughter, and your kids feel that from you.

I have sat here for a long time now, trying to figure out what else to say to you. I don't know what that is, but I feel like it needs to be something.

I do know that you are not a fraud to be angry at God...He can handle it! Were you not angry a bit, He would wonder! God is so, so powerful...more than we can ever understand. This week, the week of the passion, we are reminded of Jesus' trek carrying that cross, and His own fear that God had foresaken Him. You are not alone.

May you know God's peace this week, as you continue in a life that is so new, so fresh, with wounds so raw. May you find peace in your children, and strength in each day.

God bless you!

Jen

[Nick C]

I hear you.

I understand how you feel.

[ma's kid]

Michele,

Your words really touch my heart...I have no words or magic *anything* that will ease your pain.

My mom is still with us and putting up a valiant fight against this horrid disease but my dad is gone. He absolutely adored spring as it was his time to plant his garden. For me, it is just another reminder he is not here.

Oh, Michele many prayers that you and your family find comfort.

Your baby is just beautiful.

Blessings,

Libby

[DebsSky]

Boy do I really empathize with you. That is me in a nutshell, feeling the way you do. It has been almost eight months for me too and I cannot "adjust". I miss my Mom so much and your words hit the nail on the head of what I could not say.

I have not been active on the board for such a long time simply because how can I comfort or support other people when I cannot even console myself. I hate this so-called "new normal". I am sorry, but this is not "normal" for me and never will be as I am sure you are feeling as well.

Please know that my heart goes out to you and I will pray for you.

Try and take good care,

Deborah

[Ann]

I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time. I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. You know, my hard time of the year is around Christmas, as that was Dennis' favorite time of the year. He died 10 days before Christmas and never lived to see the holiday that he loved so well. As a result, I just hate seeing that time of year roll around. I love what Christmas is all about but I just can't handle all of the happiness and joy that most people experience at that time of year, because of my personal experience. I pray that things begin to feel better soon.

[crystleshoe]

I can so relate. Easter was my moms favorite. She was in charge of the Easter Lillies for the church and this year my dad is doing it which just seems bizarre to me. The kids in my family are older(grown up) but they always insisted on an egg hunt. Ever since they were little we would hide foil wrapped chocolate eggs and my mom always would hide one in her hair It was so funny to watch 5 grown children hovering over their Mimi to get that one. We only have 1 little kid in the family now and my daughter(21) still wants the hunt but I dont know if I can deal with it. I will be going to church and hoping that I can make it thru, Then we will go put Lillies on her grave and have dinner with my dad and sisters and I am sure at the end of the day I will be emotionally exahusted. Also friday would have been my parents 51st aniversary so we are taking my dad to dinner so he wont be alone but I think its more for us. All we can do is the best we can do and hope that like the saying goes Time heals. I am sending prayers for you to stay stong and have some good memories.

[Suzie Q]

I'm right beside you.

My mom, too, sat wrapped in a blanket to watch the youngest four of her grandkids hunt for Easter eggs. And just this past Sunday at Mass, I was overcome with the reminder that nearly one year ago, I was moving my mom into my home for her final days. I just miss her so much!

I think that if we never question our faith, we never deepen our faith, so do not feel like a fraud on Easter. You are still on autopilot. It's ok.

On Sunday, in our local paper, the featured person was an opthamologist. He shared with the interviewer the moment he told his wife her breast tumor was cancer. He said, "From now on, nothing will be the same. The lightness of being is gone."

Truer words could not have been spoken. I feel the EXACT same way. The loss of my mother (and dad, just 3 months prior) is a pivotal moment in my life. I will never look at life the same; will never have the lightness of being.

However, that doesn't mean I do not find joy in life and living. I do! But the depth of the joy is not what it would have been, and it is always tainted atound the edges by the loss.

Maybe you can start a new tradition with an Easter egg hunt at your house, and invite your dad?

Blessings,

Karen

[Mskim]

I think you have all written from My heart. Chip is putting the house up for sale and I pray it doesn't go before the rhodedendrons and peonies and lilacs all bloom. I just want to see them one more time. So much like you, my mom loved Easter and made it wonderful for the kids. It was such a big deal and the whole day was planned around her. Last year, my mom also sat wrapped in a blanket, in PJ's instead of dressed up, with no hair, watching the kids with tears in her eyes. Oh how the pain rises up when I write it out. I can't do anymore

[yellowbow]

I have the same feeling as you. I, sometimes feel like I died that day too . I try to move on, I have dreamed about John but he doesn't talk.

May seen dumb, but his dog is missing, John. She is jumping on the other dogs and fighting with them. The Vet said there world is turned upside down and it may take mounths. She always went on the truck with him and really loved John. Dogs do sence things. I think the dogs help me sometimes.

I keep telling my self someday it will be better. But some days it hits so many times!

[Trish]

When I read your post, it really hit home with me!! We always had the easter egg hunt at my mom & dad's house. Last year, my mom had passed away a couple weeks before Easter but had us get everything ready for the grandkids and had made sure we had everything that she used had done. This year, everything is so foreign!!!! My Dad is engaged to someone he has only known for 3 months and she will be there with her son/daughter and their families. I have had 35 years of a solid tradition and I totally understand where you are coming from. I too, just feel so sad to not be able to share all of the joys of spring with my Mom. I really understand....

Trish

[MomsGirl]

Thank you everyone. It's so comforting to have people that just get it...and thank you so much for sharing. I think I took a little piece of everyone's post and thought how much we all have in common...

Katie- your dream about buying new clothes - wow, that is really telling. Giving away the clothes was one of the hardest things, and such proof that she wasn't coming back... Thank you so much for sharing that.

Lori - Craving..such an appropriate word. Just desperately wanting for her to appear...

Jen - thank you for easing my guilt and doubt over the whole heaven thing...although I wish I was someone of unquestioning faith, it make it so much easier...

Libby - Reading that your mom is fighting this beast just made me so happy and hopeful. I am thinking of her right now and cheering her on....

Deborah- It seems we are in the same place right now - your avatar says it all - the pain of losing a mom AND the grandmother to your precious children...

Cheryl - I actually laughed out loud reading about the chocolate egg hidden in her hair - what a wonderful, fun grandmother she was...thank you for sharing that.

Karen - Your quote about the "lightness of being" - that hit it right on the head. I immediately

e-mailed my sisters with that after I read it. Yes, that quote is it, my feelings exactly...

Kim - Dearest Kim, you obviously had SUCH a special relationship with your mom, I so feel your pain...

"Yellowbow" - I don't think the dog thing is dumb at all, it makes total sense...and I'm so glad you have them to comfort you in this saddest of times...

Trish - I can't believe your mom did that last year -God, our moms were just so amazing sometimes I feel like I could never come close to being as wonderful and thoughtful, either as a mom, or as a grandmother some day....

Again, thank you guys so much for responding to my long post, it did help me. I guess I just keep wondering when I will accept this for what it is, this pain always seems to be lingering behind closed doors in my heart, and a few times a day it jumps out and just burns me like a hot poker. Today it was in the car when Rod Stewart's "Have I Told You Lately" came on...I've always thought of my mom when I hear that song, since it came out years ago. Especially the part that says "You fill my heart with gladness, you take away all my sadness, you ease my troubles, that's what you do..." God, it just hurts so much...