fight Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Hello All, I am so angry right now and I'm not even quite sure what brought it on. Tonight my husband and I went to a Boy scout meeting with my son. I have been feeling good so I went. Over the course of the evening I started to feel some nausea but thought it was maybe from skipping dinner. But then my mind starts to work overtime. Is it from skipping dinner or is it the medication or is this stupid cancer. I hate this disease. I see all the "normal" moms enjoying the evening and it makes me angry. Angry that I don't know if I'm going to be here to see the next years calendar of events that they passed out tonight. I look at my son's beautiful face with his front tooth missing and I wonder what would happen to him if I weren't here? I'm Angry that my husband and I have always planned on growing old together. Next week is going to our 13 year anniversary. It used to seem like a long time to be married but now I want so much more. I try not to let the anger consume me but I will tell you what...some moments I just have to rage. The tears are flowing as I write and I must say I'm starting to feel a little bit better. It helps so much to come to a place where so many others understand. I'm going to bed now and hopefully wake up with an attitude adjustment in the morning. Take Care, Rachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyr Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Hi Rachel: This is a hateful disease and you have every right to be angry. But, sometimes the anger is fuel for the fight. Prayers that the tarceva keeps working for you. I wish you peace and God's love wendyr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ursol Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel, I know exactly how you feel. Hugs from my house to your house...here is to peaceful sleep. Lilly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather_T Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 (((Rachel))) I hear you!!! I hope you feel better tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 I hope tomorrow is a better day Rachel. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nyka69 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 I'm a caregiver, not a survivor, but I can certainly understand your anger. I'm so glad you came here to share it - with people that understand and care for you. I hope you have pleasant dreams and awaken feeling renewed. Peace to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raneyf Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel, I've never been angrier at something or hated something more in my life. I completely understand. I hope you got some rest and feel better today. Raney Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyoung20 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel, I'm sorry you have been so upset. Early in treatment, it was also very difficult for me to make plans for the future. But, as you survive this WILL get easier. As I would talk with my family about my feelings of uncertainty and lost hope, my older sister would always chime in and say "Jamie, you are not going to die today"..She was so right!!! The future is not certain for anyway but I am certainly here now. On the other hand, The gift I was given through cancer is by truly knowing that I can make the best out of today and that I experience things in a totally different way than most. Those specials hugs from my children (they mean so much more to us), that deep breath you take when you thank God for this day (means so much more), the "I love you's from your family and friends....I could go on and on with these once simple everyday things. I am not sure that those feelings of uncertainty ever go away but they can certainly can be overshadowed by the beautiful experiences that only we have come to know so well. A friend from the board said something that also really stuck...She said, you are never really normal again..you have a new normal...Wow..how true is that... Now I embrace that fact and make the best out of it... You are now a survivor!!! God Bless You!!! Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 ((((Rachael)))) In the words of the always eloquent Don M. . . "STUPID CANCER!" Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel, My prayers are with you that you are able to draw from Jamie's strength and great wisdom and find some peace in knowing that you are not alone. Jamie is right, you are a survivor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel Sending you prayers for strength and hope. I also was a caregiver but I do so understand anger.. I cannot add more to what the others have said but agree that Jaime's wisdom is priceless... Hugs Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel, I've learned that the anger is real...and to feel it fully and then get onto the next emotion. If it comesback...deal with it then too. But you have every right to be angry. It's insane to think this happens to ANYONE, let alone yourself. Basically, I understand why you are angry and don't blame you one bit for being so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fight Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Thank you all for your words of encouragement and understanding. It's a rough road we are on and sometimes I fall and I need someone to pick me up. Thank you Jamie for your wonderful words...so true about the hugs from your kids and all the everyday things that have taken on such greater meaning. I'm feeling a little bit better this morning. I went to volunteer in my daughters pre-school this morning and being around all those little ones had to make me smile. Hugs to all of you. Rachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Rachel: I saw your post -- and the always captivating photo of you and your two youngsters -- yesterday, before anyone had responded. Since there was still a half hour before I needed to help the wife with dinner, I figured that was ample time to share a bit of the sunny disposition and positive outlook I've been spouting off about in recent days. So, Step 1, put myself in your position... Step 1 was as far as I got. Not only did I see myself at those same Boy Scout meetings, I was also flooded with the uncertainties of the other members less than half my age who are dealing with a diagnosis similar to mine and who, in many cases, have already needed to discontinue first-line treatment in search of the next thing that works. Although I'd "known" it in a left-brain sort of way, I hadn't fully appreciated the fact that my own peaceful acceptance was made possible, in large part, by my age and the satisfying life I've had up to now. While the feelings I've recently expressed are genuine and, I think, sustainable, they cannot be directly transferred to someone 30 or 35. Then on top of that, this is my scanxiety week for the quarter. My next CT scan is Friday, and by this time next week either I'll be happily hooked up to my friend Avastin for the 18th time and good to go until December, or my onc and I will be exploring the pros and cons of Alimta vs. Tarceva vs. something else. I don't think that would have a major impact on my own attitude, but I'm sure it would influence what I say to others, especially the "newly diagnosed," and I think about that. I'm glad I passed up the chance to be first responder last evening. This morning one of the first things I read was Jamie's marvelous post. That's the one I wish I could have written. My admiration and warm Aloha to all you guys, Ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fight Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 Ned, Thank you for your very honest post. You are a very good writer. I admire how candid you were and especially admire you for being at peace with having this disease. I strive for getting to that peaceful place someday. As Jamie reminded me and something I try to do everyday is enjoy all those little things that so many people take for granted. I will keep on Keepin'on because quitting is not a luxury I have. I hope your scan is stable and you can continue with Avastin. Take Care, Rachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineT Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 Rachel - Although I am new to this forum I feel I must respond. My heart just breaks for you. Being a new mother, I really can't imagine what you are going through. PLEASE stay strong. You are so young and have SO much to look forward to. Stay strong for those beautiful children in that photo. Please let love, prayers and peace lift you to fight this horrible disease with everything you have. I will be saying many prayers for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 You have every right to be angry...and you know what else...God can take it. Be angry. Why is there cancer? Why does it have to rob us of normal? Why can we not plan ahead in our lives? The whole things sucks. I appreciate your post, and I want you to know we are here for you. May you know God's peace, and may He grant the miracle of healing...for you, for your husband, and for your babies. Bless you, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leslie Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 Rachel-- Though I am a caregiver and not a survivor, I certainly relate to your feelings of anger. I walk around and watch children with their grandparents and realize that my dad may never meet his grandchildren. I am so angry that this happened to my family...that this could have happened to my wonderful dad... I often want to write about it...but feel badly that this is the emotion that I feel...somehow sadness and tears seem more manageable...the anger feels a little more out of control. Thanks for your post. I hope today is a day of peace for you. Best, Leslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonni Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Gosh Rachel...your post really got to me...you know we ALL understand your anger...when I was first dx...I can't begin to tell you how p**ed off I was...We have every right to be angry...When I look at your picture and your two little ones..how beautiful you all are...makes my heart ache...I hate this disease!!!! I loved Jamie's post to you...and I'm sure it has benifited all of us...Thanks Jamie... You hang in there Rachel...and when your around other Mom's...you think POSITIVE...and you raise your head high too..you WILL be here to see your kids grow up.... I pray for you to have more peaceful day's by the Grace of God...and for HIM to touch and comfort you and show you HE is there for you...take care..God Bless...hugs..Nonni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Oh dear Rachel, I remember that ANGRY time. And here I am......3 years later EXACTLY today! Cancer tries so hard to rob us fo so much, but I believe it has made us much better people. You, dear girl, are a much better mother today because of it. I really do believe that. Because you 'wonder' about that scout calendar for next year, you will live THIS one the very best you can. Yes, you will do it with cancer in your mind, but do it you will, and do it better than most. I am so very sorry that young gals such as yourself awake each morning with the cancer onus. Who wrote this book of fair anyhow? I will hope and pray that the 'angry' may be be replaced with serenity......a difficult concept, I know. Live each day the best you can, and your life will be richer than most ~ as will the lives of your children. Glad you can come here. Hope you feel the support offered. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikk67 Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 We are all entitled to the angry moments. I like what someone said about it giving energy too! And the pity moments are ok too - I call it visiting pity city; we - my family and I - are just not allowed to live there. I also am grateful for the time I have with those I love. The daily news reminds me of the people who have no notice of time left due to accidents etc and hence no time to savour life,love and family (try to avoid the depression of the news lately). I dont cry about my disease very much but I did tonight and although I have chosen to try to life my life without hate, I HATE this disease and what it does to us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Sending hugs. Anger is justified Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donaght Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Rachel, I have a good sense of what you feel. Last winter I went to my 9 year old son's hockey games while getting radiation treatment and dealing with those side effects that followed. I always found myself wondering if I would see him playing again in the following year. I often looked at other parents who seemed oblivious to the possibility that this could be the last year they watched their children play. Many times I found myself seething with anger. I still do, because these events are unfair. I try to remain aware of how angry I am, because I find it encourages me, not always successfully, to reach out to more people. I hope this helps you some time. Tom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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