luvmydad Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 I have come to LCSC everyday since I found out my dad has lc and am always so proundly impressed with everyones strenth on these posts. But I don't have the strength that you all have. I can barely make myself go see my dad because I can't stand to watch this happen to him. And his journey has barely begun. I don't know how to get through each day. It is like I am in a nightmare I can't wake from. This happens to other peoples families, not mine!!! I am so full of guilt about how I am handling all this. I want to be there for dad because I know that I will regret it if I am not, but I don't know how. I am so consumed with an overwhelming fear that I am going to get it to that I can't function. I don't want to watch this happen to dad and then know what I am going to go through when I get it. Then to take it one step further I am worried about my 14 year old sons future as well. Am I alone in this selfish fear? How do you all make yourselves function on a daily basis? I am so envious of the strength I feel from everyones post and feel like I am such a loser in how I am handling this. I can't imagine that the rest of my life is going to feel this way. I feel like my entire life is over. Cancer SUCKS. Sorry to bring everyone down, just had to get it out. Having a really bad day today. Dad goes for 2nd bronchoscopy tomorrow to determine whether in the lymph node or not since first one came back neg, but PET scan lights lymph node up. God, I never thought I would be talking about bronchoscopys, or PET scans in my life. Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ernrol Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Teresa, Welcome to the site. Your dad has a very good chance of living a long time. His cancer is very treatable. Try to be part of his winning team. If you are doing all you can to help him win, you will feel a lot better. My daughter is a great part of my team. She even traveled to New Your with myself and my wife for a second opinion, which I would recommend to an one. I will pray for your dad. Keep us posted. Stay positive, Ernie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 You know... The beginning is just plain terrifyingly hard. Your still recovering from that initial smack of the impact. It will become a sort of 'new normal.' It will. We've all had moments of being absolutely paralyzed and screaming, "I don't want to do this." But since that choice has been taken away from us, somehow we just do. You will too. I'm certain of it. Be gentle with yourself. You love your Dad and that will shine through most of all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Teresa, So sorry that you are feeling this way, it is understandable. I said in my introduction that I walked around in a fog for about 6 months not know what to think say or do, just going through the motions. It's A LOT to take in all at once, and has a profound impact on the lives of everyone involved. Your feelings are warranted and you are in the right spot to let them out. Try not to let them consume you however as they will cause more stress. I try to let them in, freak out, and let them out. i can't speak about your fear that you may someday get this disease, I am certain I would be scared to. I do relate to your feelings about your child, as I look at Jack daily wondering if he'll have to grow up without a mom, or if he'll have to fight this same battle down the road. I let them in, acknowledge them, and kick them out. Whatever feelings one may experience throughout this journey, they are most certainly different than any we have ever felt before. Because of that, they take time to adjust to and to sink in. I've learned that love eventually conquers our feelings, and will find a way to right itself and shine through everything else. Hope this helps and hope your day improves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Teresa, It's a tough disease to get your brain around for sure...strength comes with time. Re: getting it...you can be diligent about your own health, you can get scans and x-rays, get checked starting at a certain age. Talk openly with your doc and certainly you can minimize your risk factors. Finally, we're all terminal...even us healthy folks...so don't let the fear overwhelm you. Death doesn't stop you from living...fear does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelofcharlie20 Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Teresa Dear, You have the strength already, you may not just be realzing it just yet with the whirlwind of your other emotions. The beginning was probably one of the toughest for me. We were sucker punched. If you asked me just a measly 3 years ago, I would not think in a million years that my Father would get dx with LC. The way I found my "strength" in the beginning was to research as much as I could - from second opinions to what kind of vitamins may be helpful. Researching and gaining that knowledge made me feel proactive. I did even more research when the cancer started to progress. As a result, I was able to ask doctors informed questions and talk about other viable treatment options. Once everything "normalizes" something similar to a game plan will evolve. And it will just be one appointment at the time, one task at a time, and one day at a time. Give yourself some credit. I know that you feel selfish - but I really don't think that you are. Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 3:34 pm Post subject: A Dean CArl Poem to live By!!!! Just posted a note to someone to check out some of his posts and started to get misty eyed thinking OF Dean so I went and Found this little Poem. Now it was reposted by another we miss Frank Lamb so nowe I am really Sad Many of us here remember Dean Carl.Many newer members mabe don't.Dean was one of our very supportive and inspirational members here and was blessed with much wisdom.We lost Dean a while back but his wisdom still exists here in the Path Less Traveled Forum.This is a poem he wrote himself back in March2004. Cancer! Oh, how we fear that word! I say to you, "I have cancer" And I watch you, refuse to hear. I say to you, "I have cancer" And I watch you, bury me with your eyes. Yes, I have CANCER. Please, Please hear the word. But do not lay me in my grave, At least, Not just yet. Oh, I know this disease Will someday take my life. The chances of that are, Shall we say, Rather high. Yes, I know that which will take me, From this world. But not today! But then again, That's all I've ever had. Today. And to tell the truth, (which I've been known to do at times) That's all any of us ever have. Today. So today, I think, I'll get up early, And watch the sun set fire to the sky. Today, I think, I'll tell my wife, "I love you", at least a hundred times. Today, I think, I'll find a way to laugh so hard, I'll give myself a stomach ache. Today, I think, I'll go to the cliffs above the ocean And ask old man Ocean what he knows that I don't. Today, I think, I'll climb down into the abyss, And spit in the Devil's eye. Today I'll do so many wonderful things. And those I don't get done today. I'll do tomorrow when tomorrow becomes today. Yes, I have cancer Yes, I will die from it someday. But not today. Not today. _________________ I hope this helps a little Bit!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nova Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 That said it all, Randy. I'm going to copy that and keep it to read when I'm having the "blues", or when I get scared. Teresa, I think you're feeling very "normal". It's scary stuff to go thru, especially in the beginning. Makes you feel helpless, and when people hear the word "cancer", they automatically think "death", which is just not true now-a-days. It's hard though. Take care, and just take one minute at a time, or one second at a time. Nova Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Teresa, Everyone responds to this disease differently. I have to tell you that many of the folks who appear so strong now, were in the same position when the diagnosis was new. It is overwhelming and terrifying and you can't see any other scenario but the scariest one. But it gets better as you learn what you are dealing with and have a treatment plan. You learn a "new normal." It might also help to try to focus on every day you have with your father as a gift. Instead of focusing on how little time you might have left, consider each new day as a gift to be enjoyed and thankful for. That sounds kind of hokey I know, but he is here and with you now. And if you spend this time fretting about what may happen in the future (and let's face it, none of us is guaranteed tomorrow), you will miss some valuable time just being with your Dad. We'll be here to help you through it. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Everything said to you before this post---I agree completely. Our daughter still won't talk about her Dad's cancer. Everything in it's time. My prayers are with you. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nyka69 Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 (((Teresa))) Strong? I never felt strong. I was scared out of my mind from day one. But my husband needed me and I was going to be there. So each day I put one foot in front of the other. I breathed in. I breathed out. Some days just doing that was a burden. When the shock wore off, I shifted my thinking. I wanted to focus on living. Enjoying the time we had together. You are stronger than you think. You came here for support. You are sharing your feelings. And that takes courage. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us. Peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 "luvmydad" I...am always so profoundly impressed with everyone's strength on these posts. But I don't have the strength that you all have... Teresa, may I share a secret with you? Some of us are stronger in print than in person. Aloha, Ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Teresa, Everyone has pretty much said it all, but I'd like to add that when my husband was diagnosed, two of our kids were 22 years old. Our daughter is a tough cookie and wanted to know everything that was going on, while her twin brother couldn't handle the minutia of the battle. He did live with us and saw what was happening on a day to day basis, so was aware in a way that his sister didn't see every day. It stayed that way for 2 1/2 years. My daughter was at my husband's side when he died a few weeks ago, while our son couldn't bear to watch his Father die. It's all okay -- we are all built differently by our Creator and no one way of dealing with cancer is right or wrong. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Do what you need to do to get through this while honoring and supporting your Father how you feel most comfortable. Your Father knows you love him. Most of all keep hope, as that is something we all need, strong or not. God bless, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Amen to what Ned said. Hang in there Teresa. Sometimes you just have to be patient with yourself until the fear passes. It will get better for you. don m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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