I'm really mad.

[peebygeeby]

Hey everybody,

Figured I just let this out here, because there's no other place to do it.

I'm surprised at myself, and also sort of ashamed at myself.

Today, Hank came home from the hospital, after being there a week due to a blood clot. I'm very happy he's home and doing better.

I became aware today of how very angry I am about this whole situation. Today, I was just ready to let anybody who crossed me in any way have it! That's really not like me, but today I was not going to take any crap from anybody. And then it occured to me that I am also angry at Hank. My attitude towards him today was less than warm, loving and compassionate.

I am really disgusted with myself looking back at the day. Once I finally settled down some, and straightened my head out a bit, I did of course start showing him the love and support he needs right now.

I can't believe that I was being that way. It's just that I feel cheated. It's selfish I know. But, as you all know, this was not supposed to happen to us.

Just getting ready to retire and enjoy life, and now this has been dropped in our laps. I'm looking for someone to blame, but it's wrong, there is no one to blame but ourselves, and the reckless way we lived our earlier years and spoiled our health. And yet, now is not the time to blame, what's done is done, and now we have to play the cards we have been dealt with grace and skill. I know all of this, and still, I am angry.

Thanks for listening.

Gail

[tiredmom959]

Anger comes and goes ... it's all part of the ride.

One thing I wanted to comment on ... NO ONE in this world deserves lung cancer (or anything nearly as loathsome) because they didn't take perfect care of their health!!!! Please, please don't be so hard on yourself about that. Not only that, but there are people on this board who were young and likely did take very good care of their health and STILL got lung cancer.

Be angry at the disease, be angry at circumstances, heck even be angry at God if you want ... but don't be angry with yourself or your husband.

[missyk]

Gail...

I've not been around much so I've not had the pleasure of meeting you...but I'm around some and I wanted to comment.

I remember the days I used to get so terribly frustrated at Mom...at everyone and anyone...and I remember the guilt I'd feel. I could say "Don't feel guilty" but you will. Just know that we've all been there. It's a long road and sometimes you just get plain old tired and sometimes that makes anyone grumpy. It's ok to feel it.

And, as has been said, lung cancer isn't a punishment for not living a healthy life. It's a terrible disease that strikes where it wants, when it wants.

I'm very glad to hear Hank is feeling better. Hope you will be, too, soon!

[SandraL]

Hi Gail. It's perfectly ok to feel real mad. And it's also very important to forgive yourself for the past and move on...because you need all the energy to fight this thing that nobody deserves. I hope you feel better after venting...we all have our days. Take care Sandra

[Faith711]

Gail

It's so normal to be angry at times.. don't be ashamed. I know with my sister sometimes my anger was a way to prevent myself from breaking down and crying uncontrollably... I wouldn't realize that until later. Maybe I had taken her to a dr. appt.. my time and thoughts were consumed with her and her family and I was angry and resentful.. I would drop her off at home and leave and feel terrible for not being more "caring" and then have gut wrenching sobs all the way home. I didn't know what gut wrenching sobs were until lung cancer came along... Don't be hard on yourself... it's ok.

Faith

[RandyW]

My Friend Keith (RIP) took care of himself. He never smoked. Played in a band. Exercised. Worked in the hospital where he was treated for Lung cancer fixing the machines that he was treated with. Did most everything right. ANd he died at age 36 from NSCLC. Carleen his wife has been devastated and heart broken.

Nobody deserves this. No one knows when or if they will ever get Cancer. Everyone is at risk it seems these days.

Don't apologize. It happens We all get mad. we all get cheated. Its all about the quality of the time you spend together!Hugs and Prayers and Glad Hank is home!!!

[fillise]

Gail, You anger and frustration is WHY this caregiver/family member board exists! We all get angry and frustrasted and need a place to vent. You are not evil for having these feeling and neither are you alone.

And who knows why Hank got LC? My mom didn't smoke, she exercised, ate healthy foods and has it too. It's a crap shoot and Hank could have done everything right and still gotten it. He doesn't deserve it anymore than anyone else. You don't deserve it either, but it is what it is (a new phrase we all learned in this battle).

At any rate come here when you need to vent--we all understand!

Susan

[Barb73]

(((Gail))),

I think if no one has been angry, frustrated, or resentful, then sainthood needs to be conferred.

Bill and I have both "been there." The thing is, we cannot stay that way for too long. We have too much to lose regarding the immune system, taking care to remain healthy, etc., but your feelings are quite normal.

Every so often, we may need venting room. Emotions run along a continuum at any given juncture in all of this. There is no one, I don't think, who can remain composed, calm and serene all of the time.

Hope you and Hank return to feeling better. No one deserves lung cancer - not even (Bill and I), former smokers.

My niece yesterday called to tell me that it wasn't our fault. (Actually, I hadn't begun the day thinking in that mode.)

She wanted to tell us that in "our" day (ancient times ), we didn't know the consequences. She meant well. Did that help?

You are human, Gail, and I have sent you a big hug.

Love,

Barbara

[Patkid]

Brian died Jan 1, 2006.

I am still mad.

Yes, sometimes at him.

We were planning our retirement and looking at condos to down size.

His classic car was finally done and ready for shows after 10 years of diligent and loving labor on his part (and he only had one hand).

The kids were 'settled'.

It was our time.

He died.

Now I work for insurance at a job that has become a terrible cross to bear.

I waited too long to sell our big house and am stuck here while the market rebounds. It costs a fortune to maintain and I work everyday to keep it up to 'his standards'.

I miss him everyday all day

I hate being alone

There was one day in Dec '05 when I lost it. I was hateful to everyone~including my beloved Brian. It haunts me. I try to remember all the loving, caring and wonderful things I did to make his journey peaceful............but I still remember the really bad day.

Let yourself be human. Understand your frustration and FEAR and anger. Let it be. Just let it be.

You will find strength to be what he needs and to get through. I promise.

Just know that you are not alone and that all of us understand and most of all ~ your husband understands, too.

He (and we) love you just as you are.

Hugs, dear.

P

[Patkid]

Duplicate post!sorry.

[peebygeeby]

Hi everybody,

Thanks for all your replies.

They were all so kind and touching. YOU MADE ME CRY!!!

Uh oh, here I go again!

You all don't know my recent history. Although, I'm sure that many of you have gone through the same things as I have recently. I lost both of my parents in 2006.

Hank helped me through it. I did'nt think I would survive. I adored both of my parents, and did'nt know how I would ever live without them. Well, I did, and I am. But I miss them terribly and I know I always will.

I remember how I felt when I was helping them through their illnesses. The same way I feel now. I wanted them to be comfortable, to get well, to do all the right things so that maybe things would turn out right. And, I remember being angry, and resentful that so much of my time had to be devoted to their well being. I also remember thinking that I was'nt a good person, and that maybe I did'nt love them enough because I felt so angry and resentful.

My parents lived in their own apartment about an hour and a half from my home. We were lucky that they had long term health policies and were able to stay in their home with full time health care aides, but, I was there pretty much every day making sure that things were running smoothly. I thought all of that was burdensome, but I realized that I was lucky because at the end of the day, I could go home and be in my refuge away from the sickness. Now, it is in my home, and I and Hank must deal with it constantly.

No refuge, no running away. It is selfish, but I guess selfishness is a universal, not so great human trait.

Again, thank you for being here for me.

Gail

[Patti B]

(((Gail)))

I usually don't post in this forum because it breaks my heart to read some of the posts and realize that my family/friends may someday have to go through all of this because of my illness. But I always read the posts, which make me cry. But your post reminded me of what has been going on in my house since my dx so I thought I should reply to you.

Since my diagnosis, my husband has been SO angry!! My son is angry, too, but he can talk about it. My son lets me know that he is angry at the cancer, not me. My husband is just ALWAYS angry!! At times, I am angry back at him for what I feel is his being uncaring. My dx was 19 months ago, and he has only been able to say the actual cancer word twice. Thats HIS way of handling it. But, deep inside, I realize that he's not really angry at me. He is angry at the cancer. The problem is, he can't see the cancer, he can't feel the cancer, he can't yell at the cancer. So he projects it onto me!! It's like when you get so mad that you punch the wall or throw something - you're really not mad at the wall!! Do I think that's right - NOPE. Do I get mad at him about it sometimes - SURE!! But do I understand - YOU BET!!! Because I am angry at the cancer, too. Big time!!!

So please, Gail, give yourself a break for being human. It tears me up inside when I read posts from caregivers about guilt that they have. Because believe me, you all are the most wonderful people. Us survivors would be lost without all of you. When you are loving someone and dealing with this the best you can to help someone you love, there should NEVER be any guilt - none of us were given a manual on how to deal with this. Just know, that we appreciate you guys.

So now I am rambling but I truly want you to know, Gail, that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Hank. He is so lucky to have you by his side.

Hugs to you both-

Patti B.

[Barbb]

Every day I feel guilty for the times I got so frustrated with Rod. He couldn't help himself. I tried to be pleasant but in my head I sometimes wasn't and it about kills me, in fact most of the time I wish it would. I am so sick of being angry and hurting.

How do you forgive yourself or be kind to yourself when you feel like you have been a horrible wife/husband?

Barb

[jendew]

Anger is a part of it. I used to get angry at my dad because he smoked. Then I'd get mad a God. Man, did I get mad at God...especially when my dad was only in remission for 6 weeks. Just keep going...day by day...and know that you're not alone and it's o.k.

[Welthy]

Hi Gail,

I stumbled across your post late, but it struck me because anger has come knocking at my door again lately.

I have to say that I never was angry with my husband and anytime something frustrating would happen and I'd snap at him, I'd run to him and apologize immediately. I was angry at God a lot. God knows our hearts and our frustrations and I knew he had big shoulders to handle my rage. Yup, rage, because I had times that were way beyond anger during our fight. I haven't been hit by lightning yet, so I figure channeling and giving it to God was the right thing to do for me.

My husband did help because he fought with grace and passion while constantly reminding me "it is what it is." I also made sure to look around me at others who had/have it so much worse than what I went through. I try to count my blessings and know I had more years with him than many I know on this board. The more time that passes since I lost my husband, the more I see how very lucky we were with the way this played out. The end comes but, in retrospect, the journey was gentler than it might have been. (I'm not sure my husband would agree with that statement - but he protected me a lot along the way.)

Nowadays my anger really hits when I see young people struggling with this damn disease because that is the cruelest cut of them all. No one deserves this, but I rage at the heavens when I see others fighting who are young or have suffered so many other tragedies in their lives.

Anger definitely goes with the territory, but try to help yourself by counting your blessings. It helps put things into perspective.

I wish you some peace of mind and please know this is so normal.

Hugs,

Welthy

[LynnTilbury]

Dear Gail,

Reading your post resonated so strongly with me. My husband was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and staged as limited in June 2005, we are very fortunate that his treatment was very successful and he has now been 'clear' for almost three years. BUT... I was SO VERY VERY ANGRY with him (even for a Brit not prone to great emotional outbursts). My solution was to walk our three dogs as far away from 'civilisation' as I could get and scream, my anger was so thick it was almost an entity in its own right. It was two years after diagnosis, a course of anti-depressants and four counselling sessions later that I finally came to terms with the whole disgusting disease and the emotions 'it' caused.

My advice for what it's worth, is don't feel bad, certainly don't blame yourself you have enough to deal with. Take one day at a time and try to share your feelings with someone you trust.

love and virtual hugs from across the 'big pond'

Lynn

[simplyklb]

You are angry at the cancer not so much your husband. If you want to blame anything, blame the disease. Cancer just plain stinks!

Lots of prayers going up for you!

Kristi