Patkid Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Hello, friends, I am drawn back here today as it marks the third time I have remembered our wedding day without Brian. I am not 'widowing' well. Some of you will remember that I sold auto fasteners for a living. You can well imagine that I am not working. My job went away April 3. My severence pay will last till the end of this month and I will then be drawing my SS and my pension. Idle time is NOT good for me and retired is not an adjective I would have chosen for myself. I am having a terrible time managing my weight as I eat for comfort. It is funny that I wish and pray every day that Brian come back and yet if he did, he truly would not even recognize me. It seems that all the bad habits I battled and overcame in my thirties have come back to haunt me and own me in my sixties. Fercryenoutloud. All the plans Brian and I made for retirement................................all of our dreams and wishes.................................. I guess I just didn't lose my husband. I seem to have lost my way, my future and my energy for life. I see family often, in fact I spent Memorial Day w/ my brothers in NC and am leaving tomorrow for 5 days w/ my son and family in FL. All my family has been loving, supportive and understanding. I am grateful for them, but I am very specifically lonely. Not generally lonely. I need Brian. Today I want to thank all of you, once again, for being here. I will never forget the love and support given us during Brian's cancer battle. I am grateful that I can come back here today and cry on your collective shoulder. You are part of me. I lift each of you in prayer every single day. Hugs Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (((((((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there ! I know its tough.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Dear Pat, If I thought I could catch you before you left for Florida, I would hop in my car right now and drive up there to be with you, to give you my shoulder, to give you a hug. I am so very sorry that you continue to struggle so deeply with your loss and your old ghosts. Please call me when you get back home so we can make plans to get together. I have lots of vacation time to use and would love to come north for a day or two so we can meet up for some coffee, meals and hugs! Narry a day goes by that my thoughts aren't with you and Brian. I pray daily for you and your family. Please - let's get together! All my love to you my friend! Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Ah Pat ~ Fred and I lift YOU up in prayer each day too. We have such a list of those we care for. I haven't walked your walk, but can only imagine that I, too, would be so lost without Fred. And Fred understands too well the exact feeling of loss you are experiencing. To suffer such a loss once so young is one thing, but to have to do it twice is just unimaginable and we are sorry. I've no words to make anything better, Pat, just the shoulder you seek and an ear to listen. The loss of your job is just about the last straw, I imagine. You are so kind, loving, and compassionate I can see you doing wonderful volunteer work for those who need a 'friend' of some sort, but that won't pay the bills, will it? Thank you for coming here ~ when you do it lifts me up even when you are so far down. Just know you remain in many of our hearts, Pat, and hope you can feel it tonight as we mention you in prayer. (((Pat))), Kasey (Fred too, of course) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Although I know exactly where you're coming from, it's so hard for me to find words that might possibly ease your pain and offer comfort. I have always loved reading your posts, because the love you and Brian shared was always so felt, by others, through your words. Like you, I would give anything to have Dennis back in my life, whole and healthy. I would love to have one of those days when we did absolutely nothing but being together was more than enough. In an effort to "make everything alright in my mind," I constantly tell myself that Dennis was truly an angel that God sent to me for a while to protect me and get me through the tough part of my life. I try to imagine that he is now helping someone else to become a strong and independent person. Pat, my heart absolutely aches for you. I will keep you in my prayers, knowing that God will make things better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caren Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (((HUG))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I have not walked in your shoes, so I can only imagine having been married for 45 years. I hope for you to find peace one day soon. I would wish for you that the idle time allow you to reach down deep and find something you really want to do. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 How heartfelt that was Pat. I wish I could turn back time for you. Please know that I care and I hope someday you will find your way as that is what Brian would want for you Meanwhile, keep family close like you have been doing as that will give you some comfort. My heart to yours, Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Pat, I am two years ahead of you, so you would think I would have some sage advice. I don't. Just a knowing of how you feel. And an empathy for your sorrow. I have 'stolen' your phrase of missing Earl like fire. It just seems to describe it perfectly. Pat, being busy works for me. I am tooooooooooo busy, but I choose to do that. Being home alone is not fun. I have raised my hand and joined everything, sometimes after I joined, asking what it is. But as others have said, I feel lucky, very lucky to have had those wonderful years with a man I adored and who adored me back. So many are not that lucky. Maybe if it hadn't been so wonderful we wouldn't miss them so much. Take care of you Pat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraL Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Sending you big hugs Pat. I can not imagine having all of your life long dreams taken from you. And what a battle it must be to find your new road. But hang in there. I hope better days for you soon. Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (((Pat))), Bless your heart, I do understand . Our anniversary was on June 6th and it would have been 39 years, what a hard day it was. I'm not doing well without my hubby either. As Ginny says, we were so fortunate to have had men in our lives who loved us so much. Know that you aren't alone and when you need a friend all you need to do is ask.. I will be here as many who have written before me. Be kind to yourself today and allow yourself to feel all the emotions good and bad as you go through this day. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I love you, I hear you and I will raise my sword to help fight your demons any day, any time. I wish you still had Brian, too. Call any any any time. xoxo Amie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))))))))) I wish I had some magic words to say to you other than I am so sorry and wish you some peace and comfort. You probably don't realize, but after I joined this site, you were the first person to ever PM me about some problems I had. You were there for me then, I wish I could be here for you now. Know that you are in my heart and my prayers. Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 ((((Pat)))) We are always here for you. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkelley Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Pat, Thinking of you and keeping you close in my prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Q Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Many hugs, Pat. Many hugs. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb73 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 (((Hug))). Wish there were more to give, but it is all I have - that, and prayers, dear Pat. Barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 (((Pat))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I wish I had the words Pat to make you feel better, but you know no words can make it better. I just really feel your post and I'm hoping for peace and healing for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.