Cindy RN Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I have thought about this for quite awhile. There are so many good things that have happened to me since I was diagnosed with cancer. I no longer wear pantyhose. Who ever thought that one up was nuts!! I do not wear dressy heeled shoes anymore! I wear my white tennies with socks for most anything. Dresses, pants outfits, yes even jeans. I do not have to shave but about 2-3 times a year now. Money and time saved. I do not wear make-up anymore. I have a terrible time with hot flashes and break out in a sweat so it rubs off anyway. I got to wear the cutest hats and scarves (holiday and seasonal ones) while I waited for my hair to grow in. Wash my hair (when I have any) with the soap. No $20 shampoo for me. I get front row parking. OR they drop me off at the door and then drive to end of the parking lot. People let me in the front of the line when I would be wearing my scarves -obvious sign of cancer ya know. People are nicer, they smile and say can I get you anything. People bring you supper, when you don't feel well. I usually don't feel well on Tues and Fri. Bring on those meals. I can eat whatever I want and NOBODY says'Cindy isn't that enough?' I have learned that I always trusted Jesus as my Savior BUT I KNOW he is exactly that now. He has a place waiting for me and someday, when He is ready I too will be ready. I am learning to trust that He will be able to take care of my family when I do go with Him. That is the hardest thing I have learned. I know tho it is true.I will miss them so terribly but I can't wait to get to Heaven. My mom, my grandma and pa and 2 of my babies(I have not seen) are there and will be smiling and arms out. What a glorious moment that will be. Thanks for letting me go on. Anyone have other 'good things' they can list? Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berisa Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Cindy, You are just PERFECT. I love your message. You are so real. Your feelings are so real......From your message, I can understand more about my dad's worries before his gone. As parents, they always worry about their kids and family. Cindy, you have strong faith and you really let go of everything that I think your attitude helps you a lot in cancer fighting. You are an inspiration indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David A Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 thank you Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Oh Cindy, That really was beautiful and inspiring. I want to go back and read it again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Yes! Since Lucie's diagnosis and treatment, her wardrobe has become much more colorful. I am very pleased. She used to wear mostly navy blue, tan, black, etc. Now she wears an array of colors. And she has fun catalog shopping to get them. Everyone thinks she has bought a coordinated outfit when she has purchased from three different catalogs. It is fun to watch her excited about her outfits. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Cindy, That was wonderful. Thank you for sharing. Prayers for you and your family... Blessings and gentle hugs, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Cindy, Seems the pantyhose thing is different for each gender - I hate 'em and have very few now and DavidC - well, we've seen pictures and hear rumors... I'll admit, my razor doesn't touch my legs anymore...I keep SWEARING I'm going to get 'em waxed yet keep forgetting to call and make an appointment...I'm kinda drawn to the caveman look like onlookers to a train wreck - gross yet you can't tear your eyes away...LOL Makeup? Iressa made my skin SOOO sensitive, I STILL break out when I put on make up - so I don't. Sure cuts my morning "get around" time! I also wear my hair "natural". It's extremely curly and I used to put shellac in it to tame into some kind of helmet... Now I just run my fingers through it, pull some curls down as bangs and I'm done! This is AFTER losing a considerable amount last fall and trying a major "comb over". My father (bald since the age of 20) laughed at me...go figure! Some plans have changed, we're working on purchasing the "retirement" home now and commuting vs. another house "in the city" and the retirement one when we actually do retire. This is a positive, it means I'll no longer be planting a garden for someone ELSE to enjoy when it's established... AND I'll be closer to "family" (positive and negative). Working on keeping finances simple and low...work is downsizing again and the future isn't as stable as it always seemed (this having NOTHING to do with my diagnosis). I find that for better or worse, I'm less dedicated to my job and more worried about spending time with my family and trying to find a NEW balance for me. Wish I could be independently wealthy, ya know?? Living for today, planning for tomorrow...a new mantra to "work toward retirement and THEN relax". I think retirement is too late for a family to be "made" and secure, the time for that is when they are small and early on, building a firm foundation... Time and love are far more important than money to any child - guess it's a lesson I needed to learn again! Take care, Cindy! Glad you're here, just not for the circumstances of our meeting... Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Have I mentioned how much I love you guys? It is possible to live today and enjoy it, and at the same time be looking forward to the day when we cross the bridge. Good feelings........ Family, kids.... nobody ever at the end of their life wished they'd spent more time at work, or worrying about money. God bless us all!! XOXOX MaryAnn Prayers, always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Cindy, I was raised catholic and my mother was devout until the day she died. I lost that when she got sick and passed. I lost my...not belief, but rather my sure-ness. I said the lords prayer and the St. Jude's novena 10 times a day for 6 months and she still died. I begged for her to be well or at least go into stable mode. it didn't happen. I got mad at God, I got angry that I thought he didn't care or hear me. Now I don't know how to get it back, my devout-ness to him i mean. I haven't prayed for my father because It didn't do any good for mom so I figured God was now just as mad at me as i was with him and would not hear or answer me anyway. I know this is probably making you ashamed of me. and I am sorry for that. I hope I am not the only one who is or was going through this dilema. So tell me how do I get it back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Shelly, First a disclaimer, I am NO expert on religion. My husband is a devout Catholic, I claim no religion but I do have faith. Believe it or not, since diagnosis, my faith has become stronger. I have actually felt the power of prayer surround me and witnessed angels - real people who were placed around me for a reason. As for your faith, type out those prayers you recite and read the words. I'm not sure on the words myself, as I said, it's not my religion and is not something I was taught.. I DO remember that in the Lord's Prayer there is a line "Your will be done". I don't think that God was ignoring your prayers, I believe he had something else in mind. It COULD BE that in the grand scheme of things her death will lead to something positive, something bigger than you could have ever foreseen. Don't lose your faith, Shelly. Talk to your priest or a deacon (I talk to the deacon at Mark's church when I feel myself stumbling) and work through your feelings. You need your faith, you need to BELIEVE. 'A time to every purpose under Heaven'... If you were raised with a strong belief, not only are you dealing with a hole in your heart from the loss of your mother, but a hole in your very soul. That's a deep hole, Shelly. Talk to someone who knows you and can help. I am not of the religion and they help MY spiritual self. I'm sure they can help you begin to refill your tank. Takes a load off your shoulders... Love ya, girl! Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 Shelly You have had so much sadness this last year, it is understandable that you are mad. God understands this. Romans 5:3-5, He tells us that we will suffer in this life, that thru the suffering we learn ultimately how to hope. Also I have written in the front of my Bible 'When it is hard to pray, pray your hardest.' This comes from Romans 8:26-27, He tells us that when we are so low and unable to say the words to pray that the Holy Spirit will say what we are unable to. There have been times when I have been very despirate, so lonely and so hurt that words could not express my feelings. All you can do is moan and cry. The Spirit knows what we are trying to say and does it for us. I read somewhere that our lives are like a quilt that all the pieces are still being stitched in and that we ONLY see the bottom side. When we get to Heaven we will see the topside when it is finished. Then we will understand the picture. God sees the whole thing and we only see the bottom. Sorry if I sound preachy but because of these truths and promises I am able to know that no matter what, He is there for me. Hope you are able to get past the anger and have the peace you need. Love Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teresag Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Two comments I've heard from people with cancer about "the good side of having cancer": 1. It's fun guessing what kind of hair you'll have when it grows back in. 2. "My husband had to learn how to cook." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Nothing is sure -- that is what faith is all about. To get closer to God, ask Him to help you do that. That's what I do and it works for me. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 CINDY,That was wonderful.I think I'll do that from a guys viewpoint but it will no doubt take a good 30 to 60 days to type it out. SHELLY, I think how you feel is normal with a lot of us.what helped me get it back was reading a book called THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE.If you ever feel like it read it.It costs about16 to 19 dollars and is written byRick Warren.You read 1 chapter a day (2 to 4 pages) there is real easy to understand why things happen and what they mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MO_Sugar Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I like the part about being able to eat what I want , when I want! I still have the dang pantyhose and heels and wear make up to work but not as much as I used to. I make more time for family things than I used to. If it comes to doing dishes or playing Spiderman with Kayden you will find this grandma on the floor with Spiderman (course someone has to help me UP off the floor but hey)!!! (((((Shelli))))) Just like a parent, sometimes God answers No to the prayers we send him. It is ok to get mad at him (he's Dad after all) because no matter what he will always love US. The only thing I can offer is to talk to God. Tell him what you are feeling and how much it hurts and then LISTEN to what he has to tell you. He may have something special in mind for you. You are in my prayers sweetie! God bless, MO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 The Purpose Driven Life is GREAT. You can get it at Wal-Mart for a little less. I had trouble waiting til the next day to read it. Always wanting to rush things! Frank put your list on here. Ha, I would like to see it. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Cheryl- Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Cindy, I love my dark brown, curley hair- despite several people telling me they prefer me with my hair long and blonde. If I am hungry, I eat! I have booked a couple of vacations as far off as Oct.! I have become fearless, and take more risks! Why not? I have statistically only a 13% chance of survival anyway. I might as well die trying! I bought a ticket to ride a glider airplane!!. I think everyone should live as if they had a terminal illness!!!!! Shelly, I spent years being angry at God for my parent's deaths. I needed that anger to motivate me to change my life and move forward. Anger can be a great change agent, or it can destroy you. You chose how to use it. Perhaps it can be a vessel to help you too when your ready. Hang on to it for now. You are in a survivor mode. Much Love, Cheryl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoff Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Shelly, It is very brave of you to talk about your struggles and fears with God. I think most people wrestle with their faith at times whether they admit it or not. The Bible contains several examples of Jesus chastising the Apostles for showing a lack of faith, and they were right there watching him perform miracles. So spend time praying and reaching out. Get a study bible and start reading. Seek out other Christians to talk to about your fears and doubts. Just remember that faith will grow in us, the more we use the more we will get, so start small. Have faith in the fact that God loves and forgives us for everything, including a lack of faith, so you need to forgive yourself as well. I will be praying for you and your family. Geoff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bean_si (Not Active) Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Shelly, I was also raised in a strict Catholic home. I have had more than my share of traumas, starting at the age of four. I often wondered why God never seemed to hear me. Years ago, I started looking for another religion. I never found another religion but along the way I found God. I don't know how to explain how I came to the conclusion that there is a Supreme Force in this universe. My version of God may not meet the "requirements" of most Christians. I just know that God exists. I also believe that God is not in charge of our destiny or what happens to us. When I came to that conclusion it made me sad because I want God to take care of me. I realized I had to take care of myself. I had to believe in the power of my own spirit and my ability to help in the healing process. But it doesn't always work the way I want. I've come to accept the fact that death is a part of life and I believe that the spirit outlives the body. I believe the spirit lives on. That is the power we all have. We go on after death. It is so sad what you've been through. I hope you come to the belief that your mom's spirit is "alive" and well. You can no longer see her or hold her and that is agony but she has found peace. I hope that you can. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Shelly-you can call if you need. PM for the number. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Dear Cindy, I was so touched by your posted, my tears are bittersweet. Thanks for sharing. I'm laughing and crying. My mom's cancer has had its light moments as well. You rejoice in the silliest things, things that in the past had no real bearing on anything. Just yesterday I called her to say hello and check how she was feeling. I can always tell by her "hello" whether she is sick to her stomach, weak, napping, upbeat.... Her hello was soft and garbled. I immediately panic inside, trying not to let her know. I asked if she was ok, I couldn't understand her response. I'm ready to dial 911. After a pause and a swallow she says, "I'm eating an ice cream cone!" We were hysterical! We both knew what I was thinking. An ice cream cone. Yippee, hungry not sick, normal everyday thing. Point being, you're right...out of all this there are perks-smooth legs, ditching the heels, and times of closeness and laughter that you never would have had together. Also, thanks for sharing your faith. Faith is a gift. I pray we all can some day receive that gift. Nancy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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