JoniRobertWilson Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hello, Well, it was one week ago tonight that Robert died. I'm having a hard time tonight for a lot of reasons. Can someone explain to me why I can get up and make the bed? Or how I can talk to people on the phone about my husband and not even cry? How can I even think about eating? I just don't know what is going on with my head. Is it because the last 4 months have been so hard and I'm exhausted? Is it because I have no soul? Everyone o nthe board talks about being devastated and I guess in my minds eye I pictured that I wouldn't be able to walk. Does that make sense? Am I losing my mind. I just have been getting up each day with a huge list of things to accomplish like writing the thank you's, calling the Boeing library to donate Robert's engineering books so they don't go to waste... am I awful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Joni, YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!! I am going to answer your question was to "why" you can and are doing it with 4 letters---ALEX!!!! You have no choice and you are doing what any good mother would do. You ARE grieving and you ARE caring for your child. We all handle things differently. I am not sure if this analogy makes sense, but I will never forget this discussion from 1st year of law school. If someone is raped and does not fight back, that does not mean they consented. In a fearful situation, some people may freeze and become paralyzed. Other people would kick and scream with all their might. Everyone reacts differently. There are so many different emotions and so many different stages you will go through. Also, you have been grieving for a long time, before Robert passed, when hospice was called in, etc. You are going through the steps. Some days are going to be bad, some days better. Right now you are doing the best you can and you are doing everything right. You are to be commended! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 One of the hardest realizations I came to in the aftermath of Becky's death was that my life was less stessful after she died than it had been the prior three months or so. The ache in my soul from watching her hurt was gone. I don't think Becky ever felt good after about Thanksgiving, and watching the toll on her from fighting this disease just was devastating. And that at least was gone. I knew she didn't hurt anymore, and that took away some of the pain that I had felt throughout. It made me feel guilty to think that I was less stressed after she died, but then I realized that Becky didn't want me stressed to the limit any more than she wanted that $#%%$&^ tumor. So then I came to grips with it. Andrea is right on all counts. It is okay. You are not a bad person - well, unless you were one to begin with, which I doubt. I would say you are normal except I don't know what that even means in your circumstance. Make every day as precious to you as it would have been to Robert had he been restored to health. He and Becky don't get to live the way they wanted and we wanted for them. So I am trying to live for her, to be there for Katie the way Becky would have been. To appreciate each breath and each sunset and each Royals win (okay, Becky didn't care as much about the Royals as me, but wins are so few they must be savored) as much as Becky would have. And that certainly doesn't mean moping in bed. This life is precious. That's what the lesson is from Becky and from Robert. It is to be enjoyed. It is to be savored. We have a gift they would have sacrificed about anything to have. So never ever apologize for being productive. Never apologize for being happy, for getting pleasure from something. That is the reason they fought so hard, and to wallow would be to belittle their fight. That being said, I suck at taking my own advice. And I have had plenty of pity parties, and wasted countless hours already not doing what I should be doing. And some days are great and some days are lousy. I think it will always be like that. But I choose to honor Becky by maximizing each day in her memory. That is what I can do for her still. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hi Joni. I've been thinking about you all week wondering how you were doing. At my dad's funeral just a few short weeks ago, the pastor talked about how everyone grieves differently. He said that some start crying and never stop, some have to be medicated and stay in bed, some get busy and cook and clean and do things for other people, some people come to the calling and talk to every person there and some stand in the background and never say a word. He said some won't even come to the funeral home. He said that it's all ok. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. A person just has to do what is in their heart to do. For you, right now, it's getting up, getting busy, making those calls, writing those notes, etc. That's ok. That's perfectly ok. You might be one of the ones that every time you think about your precious Robert that you just light up like the sun and smile from ear to ear because of all the wonderful memories you have. You may never even shed another tear for all the joy you have in your heart for the wonderful memories he gave you and Alex. Then again, you might break down and fall apart into a million pieces two days from now and that will be ok, too. It's all ok, honey, and it's all normal. Whatever your normal is, is normal for you. So write those notes and talk to those people and keep busy if that's what it takes for you. You go girl!! Send me a PM anytime you need to talk. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Joni, Cant seem to find the words lately to comfort, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry you have to go through this and I know the devastation and sadness you feel..You do whatever feels right to you, like the others said there is no wrong or right, just different.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Joni, although you don't understand what is happening to you right now and can't understand how you are operating so efficiently, I can assure you that your behavior is completely normal. You have been conditioning yourself for quite sometime now and have been preparing yourself for this point. I'm sure you weren't aware that was happening but your body was gearing up to be in a self-defensive mode. We don't (and probably never will) completely know how the human mind and body works but I can tell you that it is amazing. You are in charge of things right now and you want to make sure that everything is done "properly." I'm sure you are taking care of things as Robert would have done things himself. I don't know about everyone else, but when Dennis died I felt as if he had become a part of me. For the 25 years we were together, we were a couple....two people, in love, living a life together. When he died, I felt as if we were truly one person. When faced with a decision I had to make, I would stop and think of what Dennis would have done. I really like Curtis's idea of a WWBD (what would Becky do) bracelet. That is really how I continue to think....WWDD? I remember the days just after Dennis's death. I remember feeling guilty because I was alive and he was dead. I remember feeling guilty because I wasn't wailing and screaming with pain. But....those days did come, in time. They will come for you, too. Weeks...ever months later....I had days that I cried all day. I would tear up everytime I saw something or someone who reminded me of Dennis. Joni...those days still do happen and it's been 19 months now! God and your body are caring for you right now and are helping you to cope and get done the things you need to attend to! Don't think you're not normal in the way you are handling this. Everyone grieves in different ways. Keeping you tightly in my thoughts and prayers..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Joni, We all deal differently. When my dad was dx'd I didnt cry and break down (like everyone expected me too), I just thought.... OK what now. My family was like "What?? No Breakdown?". I just thought well, what can I do? Cry?Sulk? Get mad?. I think its great that you have so much strength to do what you need to do. People would KILL for your kind of strength. Your doing great, but just remember...give your self the time to grieve, but do it in your own way. You dont have to be falling apart, maybe its just not how you operate Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelb Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Joni, I cannot relate in that I lost my dad, not my partner, however, I was there watching my mom and her greiving, at least the last few days of his life. Immediately afterwards, she like you, did what had to be done, everything you are doing now, making the calls, writing notes, calling about donating the books, etc. As the others have said you have no choice but to go on, as much as sometimes you wish you didnt have to, each day the sun rises again whether or not we see it. We start over each new day. I have to agree also that you are dealing with this for Alex as well. In our lives we try to show the strong side, to not let those who look up to us down, as they take our cues from us, and then their emotions follow. As said before everyone deals with greif in their own way, there is no guidebook, each is unique because the loss of Robert and the way he touched your life is different than the way my dad touched my mom's or my life, not to say that the emotions are not the same, just different... I hope that I am not confusing you, as I feel that I am rambling.. I just wanted to tell you that NO - YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON, you are a WONDERFUL WIFE AND MOTHER, and Robert knew that, and he also knew that you would be able to take care of things the way that you are. Today might be a day full of activity, tomorrow you may be at rock bottom and not be able to get out of bed. Greiving is as personal as your fingerprint. Take care of yourself and of Alex and remember that we are all here for you, through the good and the bad. You are not alone, and I am sending you hugs and prayers that you are able to find peace. Take care and God bless, Angela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoniRobertWilson Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Thank, thank you for your words. I've read them and wrapped them tightly around my brain. I will refer back to them as needed but I honestly don't think I'll forget what you each shared. You all are amazing friends. God Bless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hi Joni, No expert advice to offer I'm afraid, however like you I am overwhelmed with the wonderful posts here. I think you are extremely brave and I hope I will be as brace, (if and when I have to be.) God Bless and keep you strong. Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAnn Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Joni, From a different perspective (me being the sick one) I am truly touched by all of the posts. You are all such wonderful wives, husbands, daughters, sons and you should all know that your care and love is what got your loved one through the absolute worst times. So Joni, do not be so hard on yourself. You are wonderful. Robert knew this (and still does) and your love for him shows in all that you do. It's ok to be "numb" right now. You will have to deal with your emotions soon enough, and God and your Angel Robert will get you through it. Curtis, you said it all....live each day to the fullest. Caretakers are "our" strength. God Bless you All! TAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Joni, There is nothing awful about any of the things you are doing. You are doing what you need to do to survive. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, to go on living even though Robert is gone from this life. Also give yourself permission to smile when you feel like it. It is okay. I think all of us who have lost our spouses have gone through this. So have those that have lost their parent or brothers or sisters. Our lives are so completely different, yet still the same. Keep coming back to vent, to ask for support, to just know you are not alone in this. Many of us in this part of the forum are walking the same path you are on. We may all be at different parts of the path, but it is the same path. You are not doing anything awful. You are just trying to survive the only way you know how. This part of life does not come with instructions. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We each do it in our own way. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GayleMarie Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Joni, I lost my mom last Saturday. We buried her Tuesday. Every time I laugh I feel guilty. But you know what? I loved my mom with everything I have. I dont know what makes a person continue as usual. I wonder each day if my Dad who was married to her for 52 years will come out of it. He is lost. He cries. But he laughs at times and he goes on. It is human nature to live. A part of me is gone forever, but a part of me lives on. Thats just the way it is. It is not wrong. It is the way my beautiful Mom would want it to be. Gayle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GayleMarie Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Oh yea I forgot. I am in Kansas too! Gayle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Dear Joni, I did not lose my husband but I did lose my brother to cancer recently. I grieved from the time he was dx in mid January until his death in early June. As Curtis said part of me was was relieved that his pain and his fight was over. I felt a termendous amout of stress leave me as I worried constantly about him. I did not live in the same state and had to travel 3 hours to be with him. I spent many days there at a clip leaving my family behind. His fight and MY fight to keep him alive and well was over. There was so much less stress. Yes, of course there is sadness and tears but I have not shed as many since his death as before he died. I love him with all my heart and know he loved me the same and would want me to go on and be happy and I am trying to be so. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I feel terribly depressed for days then I am great for days. We are all different but one thing we all share is the love we had for the loved one that has passed. We get our strength from family, friends and from God. Robert would be awfully proud of you and happy that you have not fallen apart for Alex. Your emotions will come, believe me! They need to in order to cleanse your soul and they will when it's time. Trust in yourself and what you are doing. No one is looking at you thinking you didnt care about your husband because you are able to function. Dont question yourself, do what you feel is right and time will heal you. God Bless You and Alex, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiva34 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 i recently lost my mother and i remember that in one of our last conversations she told me that things would not be as bad as i had imagined after her passing and she was right. Much like you I have been able to live and do all the things i would normally do. i don't sit crying because i know that she would not want that and i am sure your husband would agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.