Treebywater

(((((hug))))) to you. I'm sorry. Those days are so hard. We DO get it and we're here.

"There's going to be things that happen in life that the only thing you can do to make it through is be strong. It is much harder than you will ever think it could be. I have a friend whose mother passed away two years ago and she still has trouble with it. I can't say what I would do if I was her beause my mother is still alive and kicking but I am the type of person who moves on......I guess I just see it as being a part of God's plan and as much as we don't understand, He has a resaons for it and we'll eventually see that." That was written in my church newsletter this week by one of our youth pastors who, while she isn't a close friend, I have at least considered a close acquaintence. I read it and it really upset me. Now note that she was NOT talking about me. She doesn't even know that my Mom died as far as I know. But still I found the message so offensive, and I'm trying to figure out WHY I reacted so strongly. Part of it is the typical frustration of hating that people who haven't been through grief think that you can put a time line on it. Think that TWO YEARS is a LOOONG time. Think that 'moving on' means that you no longer 'have trouble' with the missing of the person who played a crucial role in your life. It also bugs me because, as in all churches, we have SO MANY folks who are grieving mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, spouses--the whole gamut--and how disrespectful for them. I also typically react to the whole, "God has a plan and even if we don't understand it we'll eventually see the reason," type of message. My theology doesn't jive with that. But even if I did fall more into that camp, it just seems an insensitive sentiment. Plus, if I was her friend... I would be MORTIFIED that me and my grief were being used as an object lesson in an off-handed devotion for a weekly church newsletter. All of that aside, why do I react so strongly? Is it because I had hoped to become friends with this person and I now would feel unsafe sharing a crucial part of who I am with her? Is it because I NEED to 'move on' a little more myself? What is it? Why am I so easily offended by something like this that isn't directed personally at me? I don't know. I do know that I lost my Mom over two years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her, don't think of her, don't wish that she was here with me. I know that like Michele so beautifully articulated I *hate* that because I am 'moving on' my Mom is becoming merely a memory. I suspect that there are those who think I have surpassed my 'appropriate timeline' for grief because I still talk about how much I miss her. Because I still have days when I cry about what she's missing and how my life has changed. Maybe I do need to 'move on.' But most of the time I think that I am. I think that I am growing as a person and continuing to work through my grief. I know that I can't imagine a time that I won't 'have trouble' with missing my Mom because I discover every day new ways in which I miss her. But I don't think that means I'm not moving on. Because I can see the difference in me. I can see how I am integrating this into who I am. Two years isn't that long... It just isn't. I don't understand why people don't get that, and can't respect it. I don't understand why grievers are made to feel like mental cases. I don't understand why feelings become invalid and excessive at some magic time. Ok. I'm done ranting.... I guess I just needed to get it out.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE!!!!!

Will, I am so very, very sorry.

You are one of my favorite people, Becky. And I am SOOO happy for your five year mark.

(((((Grace))))))

Carrie, It is too much. It is so unfair. It is so hard. I care. I hurt for you. I know some of your hurt because I walked with my Mom too. Thinking of you. Val

I am so sorry, Stephanie. I know you loved her so much and so well.

Andrea, I AM praying for your little guy. AND for YOU! (((((HUGS))))) to you.

((((((Peggy)))))))) Lady! That is just TOO MUCH for you to have to deal with. I'm so sorry about the stroke and all the other heartaches. I am happy to see your post, and glad you've got those boxing gloves on. Don't forget that you are very much loved!

I'm just so sorry that you guys are at this point. We're here to support you and I will be praying for you and your Mama.

I am just so sorry.

I am so sorry. It is all so unfair. Just so unfair. We will be here to help with whatever life looks like now. Lean on us when you need.

I just finished the book In Love and War by James and Sybil Stockdale last night. It was FANTASTIC. Admiral Stockdale was from my hometown and I am just floored by what an incredible man he was.... and his wife was one heck of an amazing Navy wife!

Thinking of you and Julia. I ache for you guys for what you are goign through. Praying and hoping and praying some more.

I've been praying for them and thinking about them a lot too. Sending even more support, love, and prayers now.

I'm sorry about the progression. I'm hoping for a trial or some other sort of plan that will be just the thing for your Mom. I'm praying for you both.

I don't have any advice... But I send you tons of support.

Ned's tutorial is perfect. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you are here and I look forward to getting to know you.

Pat, Brian was an incredible man. He really was a superman. And your love for one another profoundly inspires me. I know the pain of hoping for 'time on the bridge' and just not getting it. I'm sorry for this day. I'm sorry for all that you and Brian went through. I care. Val

It is a much smaller thing, but I actually get the same response during deployments. Suddenly I can only hang out with 'girlfriends.' Couples feel obviously awkward around me. I have even found myself doing the same thing to girlfriends who have their husbands deployed, and focusing more on the 'girlfriend' things. For me, I guess, that happens because I am afraid that it rubs salt in the would for people to see me with my husband home when theirs can't be. Reading responses here about this same thing in the past has made me try to be mindful of that both in the deployment scenario and with my friends who have lost a spouse (Thanks guys!). So in my much lesser situation (and I am in no way minimizing the heartache all of you ladies are living through--I know it is world's different) I guess I wonder if people are afraid of hurting me? or maybe it's just an awkward thing that people don't know how to navigate so they just don't? Or maybe we've all just watched "When Harry Met Sally" one too many times and bought into the 'Men and Women can't really be friends," myth so people don't even try without the 'couple factor.' Whatever the reason, I know it must hurt tremendously, and I am sorry for that for all of you. Hope it's ok that I chimed in. I do know that deployments are a much smaller and much different scenario.

First of all--I had the same kind of thing removed from two spots on my arm in the beginning of college. I don't think it's being paranoid. I think it's being proactive. Second of all... I don't know if we're paranoid or if it's just that we have a bigger dose of reality than most people. I sat down with my doctor last week to talk about family history. He was reassuring, but part of me also felt like I was being a pain in the rear. The most he could really tell me was that at 26 most of the diagnostic measure that could be taken for any of the (many) different kinds of cancer that have affected my family would have the potential to do more harm than good at this point, and still could miss detecting something. I'm sure he found it bizarre (and paranoid tacked onto the end of a discussion about anti-depressants) that a 26 year old was sitting there asking what she should do to be proactive about her cancer risk. But how can I not ask those questions? Because of Mom. Because of folks I know here and elsewhere who had the crapshoot deal them the lousiest odds WAY TOO FREAKING YOUNG. So I have no answers to your questions except if you're paranoid, I am too.... And what are we gonna do about it but continue to be proactive about it and occasionally be a pain in the butt in a doctor's office? Give your daughter a hug from me, and tell her if I ever meet her I'll show her the tremendously ugly huge scar that I have on my arm from my 'excision.' I make up exciting stories about how I got that scar because it looks so grisly.

((((Jackie))))

We love you, Connie. Will be praying so hard for you.