Katie--your words about empowerment vs. shame really hit home to me. I am going to try to take that one and run with it!
Laura--I also think you are right on. People try to distance themselves as far as possible from cancer, and death, and suffering, and anything they can do to make them feel "safe" in the face of seeing that people are vulnerable they will do.
To answer your question Erin--YES I have dealt with it, and I also find it especially hurtful given that Mom is gone. I actually had one woman have the audacity to come out and say (after previously asking me if my Mom had smoked), "If your Mom knew five years ago that she would die because of her smoking would she have quit?" Of course, I felt so on the spot I wasn't ready with an informative answer about how it mightn't have mattered since about 40% of those diagnosed are actually FORMER smokers. I think the RIGHT answer to that question actually might have been this, in my Mom's case, "Heck yes! And she'd have eaten more chocolate cake, had steak for dinner every night, partied more, gone to the river boat more, and in all other ways lived it up... If she knew she only had five years left--WHY NOT?!"