Complain, whine or vent. I feel like I do that internally every single day. I wish I did not have to think about it. I wish I did not worry about it coming back or is it all gone. I had two lymph nodes to light up on the PET before surgery. I had 6 weeks of chemo and radiation then surgery followed by adjuvant surgery. I had 20 lymph nodes removed during surgery, plus one rib bone, all tested negative for cancer. So does that mean the chemo/radiation killed the cancer in my lymph nodes or there was no cancer there to begin with? I asked this question in our EXPERTS Forum a while back and the answer I was given was that it does not matter, it is gone and that is good. I know that the tumor shrunk to almost nothing and what was left was removed in surgery. I just want to know more about what is or was in my body that has the potential to kill me. Now I feel guilty for even talking about it because I am a year out of surgery and have had clear ct scans and xrays. I feel real good about that and then I get sooooo scared when I see that someone on the board has had a recurrence, especially if there stage is lower than mine which was 3A. I have gained 30 pounds and that is unreal for me, because I was always the skinny girl that could eat any and everything and never get fat. I at first blamed the weight on the steroids. That may have had something to do with it, but now I blame myself. During chemo they had me to sit in this nice comfy LazyBoy type recliner. I said to myself that if I live through this that I was going to buy me one of those recliners. I lived through it, I bought the recliner. I got the top of the line one with the heater and massager, the works. Well eating and getting into that wonderful chair. Watching tv and snacking while watching tv packed it onto this booty. Now I am not getting rid of the chair but I am more active now, working in the yard, housework, gardening, exercising. I will get rid of the weight. That chair is now my reward after I have done all of the things that I am supposed to do. The chair was so comforting when I was physically limited after my surgery, but now I have moved on. My biggest fear is recurrence, that is my biggest fear. I eat right, take vitamins and supplements, exercise, and that one cell from hell can still control or end your life. I get so mad when my friends tell me to stay off the internet. They have no idea how much I need to be here to be around people who know have been there done that.