Debi

Peggy, I don't really have anything of substance to add. I just wanted to let you know that both you and Don are in my thoughts...

David was a warrior, he fought long and hard. I'm so sorry he is gone. My sympathies to the family..there's just nothing left that I can say.

Well, I too, have made it to the two year mark. Two years ago tonight, I was sitting in the Cancer Treatment Center of America’s smoking lounge, smoking my last pack of cigarettes. And tomorrow morning, it will be two years since I discovered that your right lung actually has THREE lobes, after I was told they took two, and I had one left. In a way, this ‘re-birthday’ is sort of anti-climatic. My Oncologists appointments had sort of gotten off the calendar, and my last one was back the end of April, and my chest xray was clear, and he doesn’t want to see me till August. I recently had a bone scan, and a Brain MRI, and those were also clear. So it seems weird, here I am at 2 years, without the panic or stress of waiting for any tests! The last 2 years have been a patchwork of emotions, and hopefully the worst ones are behind me. I spent every day trying to be hopeful, some days succeeding, other days failing miserably at finding any traces of hope for my future. I spent some days planning ahead, and then spent the following days reprimanding myself for hoping, for believing that maybe, just maybe, my killer had actually left me behind and wouldn’t be making a u-turn to come back and get me. I constantly would ask myself why I thought myself worthy of life, when so many others had perished. I’m not that special. I owe my sanity to this board, as well as my insanity. If I had never found this place, I probably wouldn’t think about my cancer as much as I do. But if I had never found this place, I would have missed out on knowing a lot of wonderful people. You all mean something to me, and those of you have been with me every step of this path, have my eternal gratefulness for being as near to me as my computer screen, any time of the day or night. Your light has always been my guide. I miss our friends that we have lost, some of them every time I sign on. The memories of their strength, their dignity, their friendship give me my strength and the desire to fight my fears daily. I am alive, and in some way, feel the need to live life well and for them, for those who weren’t given the chance to do so. How dare I not appreciate my life after I have learned what a gift life really is... I guess the fanfare that I felt last year for this day is over, and the overall theme this year, is gratitude. I am so grateful today for so many things...

Sandy, I can imagine how you feel, but you are right, you HAVE been through worse. You will get through this and your not alone for it. Besides us, you have that great new boyfriend by your side!! Will be thinking of you next Wednesday...

Jane, I am sorry for your recent loss. In spite of this, I have to admit that I am glad to see you posting, even though I'm sorry for the reason. I am also glad to see that you have made a decision to start living more this coming year. I doubt that anyone dies wanting their survivor's lives to be miserable; in fact, that is probably my main fear of dying, of making my children and family suffer. If I could make it that they wouldn't grief more than a day, I would and would die happy knowing that the people that loved me would be okay. I'm sure that your brother felt no different. Climbing out of your grief won't be easy, and will take alot of effort, but you can do it Jane, not only for yourself but for your family and Alan's memory. It sounds like you have already started. Keep going forward, and when all else fails, just get angry, don't let this damn disease take any more lives than it already has....

Ry, I sat here with my fingers poised on the keyboard, trying to figure out how to respond. I didn't want to NOT acknowledge your post, and the 3 year mark today for both you and John but don't know what to say. SO count me as one of the first to wish John and yourself the best years ahead, starting tomorrow morning. I just want to add that although of course I hate the fact that you need to be, I am glad that both of you are on the board. You both serve as an inspiration to many, and John's jokes are an inspiration to at least Frank. Congratulations to you both on John's 3 years of survivorship and going strong! That IS something to celebrate! (I'm thinking your downplaying this so you don't get the anniversary special chicken delivery! )

Berisa, Your photos were beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing them...

Joanie, I am incredibly jealous of your vacation. My dad came from upstate, a little town called Conajaharie (sp?), so we used to go up there from Long Island every summer when I was growing up. I love it there. Enjoy the peace and serenity...

to Cindy, You are my partner in crime, and I don't know what I would have done without you here to share our neurotic moments these past 2 years. Whenever I have an odd pain or sensation, I always smile because of you, I know that if I am feeling it, you most certainly have also at one point or will shortly!! And vice versa!! I am so glad that you are at that magical mark, the one that seemed SO far away just 6 months ago. I share your joy today and cautious optimism. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Okay, well maybe the CAUTIOUS optimism can start tomorrow ........... Congrats Cindy, this is a big one, I know!

Frank, I already volunteered my services. Again, do you want me to come up there and slap your doctor around for crying out loud?? Anyway, keep insisting on what you need and be persuasive. Pretend your selling them that used car that has been on the lot way too long and zero in for the kill. I'm sure you were a wonderful car salesman, don't let those skills go to waste, use them!!! I think about you every day. Give em hell Harry, oops Frank!!

Wow Rich!! 3 YEARS!!! Thank you for sticking around the board and showing that we can survive!! Congratulations!!!!!

Fay, Well, this will probably sound odd, but I am glad that you are here. Of course, I wish that you never had to be here, that is a given. But other than that, I am glad that I know you. Keep fighting the good fight Fay, whether it is with cancer or health providers, or whomever it needs to be with. You are such an example of what and how we need to be in our fight to survive.... >

David, Well, this latest development sucks. Can't think of anything else to say, but hang in there big guy. I know how strong you are and am sure you will kick some cancer *ss once again, no matter where they decide to start.....

I'm going to go against the opinions of these wonderful people and say NOT to tell them that you have had cancer. What I would suggest is telling them that you were off for 2 1/2 years due to medical problems, but that you are fine now. Telling them you had medical problems is still being honest, you are not "covering" anything up, you are just not disclosing your personal issues.In answer to your question, I do not believe that you are required to tell a future employer anything about your health,and they are not allowed to ask, unless it calls for certain adjustments to be made to the work place . Of course, I could be wrong (I imagine you can look this up online, or the American Disabilities Act would have something in it). I would also suggest playing it by ear, depending on what your gut feeling is and the job your going for. I got called for a long awaited interview the week after I came home from my surgery , and it was a "dog eat dog" job, traditionally a MAN'S job, and saying I had cancer would have been construed as a sign of "weakness", right or wrong. When they called me to come in, I sucked it up, took a double dose of pain pills and did an acadamy award performance of a well person. (I'm not necessarily here to change the world all the time, sometimes I am just trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my son's mouth!) I did end up getting the job but had to turn it down, but it was my choice. No matter what you decide to do, I wish you luck with your job hunting. Keep us posted!!

Betty never said an unkind word about anyone and was such a positive addition here. I am so sorry for her loss and hope that the support and love that we sent her when she became sick, managed to stay with her till the end. I'll miss you Betty.

Finally had a little time to actually read the board.. Hope you guys are enjoying your Memorial Day weekend and glad that your doctor seems like a good one. Thoughts are with you both..

David, I wish you lots of luck with your results on Tuesday!That machine sounds awesome, we are so cutting edge here in town that I'm sure we will get one in about 30 years or so ... Hope you enjoy your weekend. I'm thinking that if you put on that wig you had and drive around the streets on your scooter, you may get an invite to a barbeque somewhere. Good seeing you David. Have fun!

Bill, I don't have much to add to the advice the others have given you. Just remember that you are not alone right now, you have a whole board full of people who have been where you are, and guess what? We are still alive to talk about it, so as you can see, this is survivable!!!! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get through this slowly but surely, whether it is cancer or it isn't. I'm not the praying type, but you do have my best wishes. Keep us "posted" Bill...

Wow..all you guys are so terrific, thank you for all the responses. I wish that I had the time so I could respond to each of you, so many of you made me laugh or struck a chord with your replies.. My job is so crazy right now that I have time only now and then to post anything... My dizzy/faint/vision spells have left for the most part. The last word I got from my regular doctor was when I spoke to his nurse and she told me..."Ummm, Dr. "Smith" said to tell you he's sorry but he has no idea why you are dizzy, I'm just so sorry we can't help you !" Anyway, I am on both a diaretic, and high blood pressure pills and I'm thinking both of them were too high dose. I researched it online, spoke to the pharmacist and cut the dosage somewhat (don't try this at home! ) and have been doing fine( I monitor my blood pressure at Walmart ) .I'm just hoping I don't have to perform surgery on myself anytime soon because the sight of my own blood makes me squeamish!! Anyway, thank you for your answers, and your empathy. I think about you all, every day and always wish you well...

Happy Birthday Katie... What time is cake?

Kel, My sympathies to you and yours.. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

Happy Birthday Beth... I made it in Central Standard time anyway...

Bill, So you were worried about the different opinions the doctors gave you? We're just as bad! I actually would be following up with my Pulmonary Specialist but he is almost 4 hours away. He had told me, on my post op visit that he would definitely be doing the follow ups if I didn't live so far away. I had gotten an Oncologist here in town and the Pulmonary Specialist actually told me that my regular doctor probably could do the follow-ups, I didn't need the Oncologist at all. Since I had already made the appointment with the Onc, I stuck with him and I see him every 4 months. If the cancer ever came back, I would be driving the 4 hours back to my Pulmonary Specialist for advice, because he is the doctor I most trust.

This is really, really long, but I wanted to type this whole neurotic episode. It's a reminder for me, and I hope it will help others (Andrea!) when they wait for results, to not always assume the worst. Sometimes the brick doesn't fall on your head... About 6 weeks ago I went for an MRI because of some problems I had and my Oncologist wanted me to have one done. Okay, this isn't entirely true, I planted the idea of an MRI in my Oncologist's head like a hypnotic suggestion because my regular doctor didn't think it was necessary since I had one a year ago, but I was having dizziness and vision problems again. I knew my Onc was my last chance. You learn the fine art of what I like to call medical manipulation when living in a small town in Oklahoma. Anyway, I was the last appointment of the day at the hospital where the MRI is done. I really thought that they were going to find something this time, I had been so dizzy the previous week that I had to go to the ER, I had almost fainted at work. The night before the test, a friend of mine had told me that if they find something on the MRI, chances are they wouldn't let me drive home. So that whole day I had gone through work with that one thought hanging over my head, what if they ask me if I have someone to drive me, after the test is done? I don't have anyone to drive me around town. And in addition to that panic, it wasn't a matter anymore of waiting for the doctor's call, there was a possibility I would know THEN! So I sat and waited in the dark waiting room, almost shaking from nervousness, until the MRI Tech came and got me. When I got into the area where the MRI would be done, the tech took my purse and locked it in a locker, along with my jewelry in this little plastic tupperware cup. She then asked me what I wanted to listen to, since they give you headphones and turn on a radio station of your choice. I told her the local classic rock station would be good because they play a good mix of classic rock. Little did I know that after 6:00 pm their format changes. The tech put the headphones on me, and covered my eyes with a washcloth. I always dread the MRIs, I'm not normally claustrophobic but I will feel panic setting in every couple minutes, as soon as I go in the tube and I constantly have to talk myself down and take deep breathes to regain composure. So she slides me in and in a few minutes the music starts, really loud of course, to drown out the clunking of the machine. It turns out that after 6:00 pm, the local radio station plays tracks of CDs, rather than individual songs. It also turns out, that on that night, at 6:15 pm, they decided to play the entire CD of Highway to Hell by AC/DC. Mind you, the tech had the radio turned up to the equivalent of what an Amtrak train speeding by would sound like if you were standing a foot away from the tracks. So the entire time of the MRI, which was about 4 hours- well, it seemed like 4 hours but was probably 20 minutes- I lay there with my eyes wide open beneath the washcloth, knowing that I was in fact, on the Highway to Hell for sure, as the endless music tracks blasted through the headphones. Every 3 minutes, my fears of whether my ears were bleeding was replaced with my fears of being in the tube, then my fears of Highway to Hell being an omen, then I would talk myself out of that, and then I would start envisioning that the Tech would not unlock the locker with my purse after the test, because my car keys were in it. Then the cycle would start over. Finally, the Tech announced over the headphones that she was done, and rolled me out. As I was shakily getting up, echos of "highway to hell, highway to hell" reverberating in my brain, she told me to wait, that I had forgotten to fill out a form. I held my breath, because I was SURE that this was the do not drive your car form, but it was only the usual TB form, that the hospital always had you fill out. While I was filling it out, I commented on her pen, how it was a cool pen. I actually was making conversation as a plan to see if she made eye contact, having lung cancer has made me try to develop an immediate bond with doctors, nurses and technicians so that I can somehow develop my telepathic powers or read my new friend's body language to see whether the news is bad or good. Anyway, she told me that she got it at Walmart, it was around $10.00. So being nice but to be totally honest not even caring about the pen I was so nervous still, I told her that I would have to get one. Suddenly, she thrust it toward me and said, here, you can have it. I told her that I couldn't take her pen, and she said that yes, I could, she had another. Again, I told her thank you anyway, and once again she told me to take it, she insisted that I have it. By now I was starting to get alarmed.. why did she want me to have her pen so bad? What did she see that she felt sorry for me? Then she went to the locker and got my purse and the cup with the jewelry. I went to give her the cup back and she said, Why don't you keep that?. And I said, Are you sure? and she said, Yes, you keep it, we have plenty!. By this time I was getting really stressed and I said to her, did you see something on my MRI that your being nice to me? and she laughed and said Oh, stop it!. Of course this wasn't a yes or no answer and didn't necessarily put my mind to ease! The next day at work I was a nervous wreck. There were a handful of people there that knew I had gone for the test and when they asked me how it had gone, I told them glumly, The tech gave me her pen. They just looked at me with a puzzled expression and would inch away, afraid to ask I'm sure. No one, of course, except myself got the pen thing, and the significance that I was sure was there. I was SURE that the Tech had given it to me out of sympathy. And to make things worse, every time I went in my purse, the pen would somehow attach itself to my hand, mocking me, I was sure! I called my Oncologist's nurse at the end of the day, and as usual, the test results weren't in, they are NEVER in when I call, and I had to wait for a call back. Needless to say, I don't "wait" well but when the call did come, the results were negative, and my MRI was clean. I guess I still have the pen in my purse, but can't remember anymore which one it is... it lost the large place it occupied in my thoughts as soon as I heard my test results were negative...how powerful our minds can be! *Disclaimer: I am only really neurotic when I get odd pains or at test time. I only share this with you all, so that you will know that your not alone if you become temporarily insane, and that I know that I'm not alone when I get wacky. I actually look perfectly sane when seen on the street . edited 1 time to take out strange symbols that appeared in my post