Barbb

I'm praying for a perfect recovery, thanks for letting us know what is happening. Barb

Rod will probably bring the beer, if it is allowed! He also will bring hotdogs and the potato salad my sister-in-law taught me to make, but hey, she's there, too. She will bring the potato salad! Barb

Teresa, you and your family have had a long haul haven't you? I am so hoping for good results with chemo. So glad no brain mets. I will be praying for you and your dad. Barb

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Barb

Nova, you, Harry and your family will definitly be in my prayers, I will pray for peace, a decent nights rest and a clean scan. I'll be checking tomorrow hoping you have the results for us. Hoping, Praying, Caring, Barb

That was really nice. Alot of us have loved ones celebrating Christmas together, in Heaven. This is the first time I've had that thought. It is kind of nice....

I'm glad this work day is over, too, Pat. Mondays are always hard on me. I got a Christmas card from my cousin, with pictures of her beautiful children. She didn't know Rod had died. But that was ok, it was still nice to read her message and see the children. Praying for all of us. Barb

Teri, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. My sister-in-law told me that she would put on certain music just to make the tears come so she could get the emotion out, maybe that would help you. Sending prayers your way... Barb

Max and Inez, I am so happy for you!!! God really took good care of you as did your absolutely wonderful, smart doctor! Barb

Connie, I am so glad you came back to post, I worried about you after your first post. What wonderful news for your family, I have no info about your questions tho! Barb

Sunday our son, Jeff, called and asked how I was doing. Since I'd been crying all the time I was in Walmart and just got home, I said, "Not to well". He said he bet his day was worse. His Ford F250 pickup was stolen':twisted:' out of the parking lot while he was at the movies with his hoping-she'll-become-his- girlfriend. He lives in Phoenix. The policeman told him there is a theft ring in that area, 100 vehicles have been stolen from that parking lot in the past year and one was returned,it had lo-jack. He has his loan at our small bank in Hickman so they will let him stop payments for awhile, he has full coverage on insurance, and it is worth more than he paid for it. I think he would be absolutely furious, if he hadn't had to learn quickly what is important in life, having lost his dad so recently. There are good things we see after the loss of our loved ones, and priorities changing for the better are one of them. Jeff is going to buy a Honda Civic but plans to also replace the Ford. And we have always been a GM family!!! Barb

((((Teri)))) I am so sad for you. Finding that picture was so neat, I am so glad you shared that. I bet you felt so much emotion... Tonight your coment about wanting to start a fire touched me. We bought a new woodstove last year, it has glass in front and I built a beautiful fire and knew Rod would have been proud of me. I have built alot of fires in stoves, but this one, the first this winter, was so beautiful. I sleep with his comforter on the bed also. It does make me feel close to him. All of us who have lost the love of our life have so many feelings that are the same. I know God is there, he created grief just as he created love, I prefer love. I have raged at God and then asked him to help me. He has and he will help you. I hope you do build that fire, curl up in the comforter and just give yourself over to whatever emotion you are having. I am told that is the only way to get through the hardest part, told to me by a much loved sister-in-law who never got to say goodbye to her husband. My love goes out to all of you who are hurting, and to all of you who are carrying us through this painful time, Barb

I'm grateful for all of you holding my hand through these awful days, and for my chiropractor and friend coming out to our home to fix my ceiling lights Barb

Teri, That is so beautiful, he knew which box to put it in, too. I can almost feel the warm feeling it must have given you. Barb

OK, reading my last line, not any of you guys are scum bags I mean the scum bags of the world. Sorry B

Pat, I signed on because I am so darn depressed today and yours is the first post I read and I just burst into tears. I yelled and God and cried. I just was going to sign on and say "It hurts", but...."It sucks, it hurts, I am angry, It feels unreal, I want Rod back, IT JUST SUCKS,UCKS,SUCKS,SUCKS. If I weren't so sensible even right now I'd just drink up the medicine I haven't dumped down the toilet. (I want to see if the oncology clinic can use it somehow but keep forgetting to call them. Don't worry) I have his picture on my computer from about 1989. I was thinking about when I would cut his hair and how long it would get in between. How I hadn't seen him without a beard for 31 years and he looked pretty good without it when his dark hair fell out and the lighter ones stayed, but I shaved him a couple times. That really hurt, to have him so ill he couldn't do it himself. He loved living in the country, he loved to fiddle in the barn at his workshop area, mow, tend his tomato plants. He'd cut wood for the winter but only when it got cold out! He took care of me and I can't take care of me now. And when I cry I scare the dog. I don't want to live without him, why does God take the nice people and leave the scum bags? Barb

I want to tell Rod something or ask him how to do something then remember, I have to do it myself. I do go ahead and tell him things tho, it makes me feel close to him. My kitchen lights aren't working properly so my chiropracter said he would come and fix them!!! I am truly blessed to have good friends around to help me. Two guys looked at them and didn't know what to do, but Dr. and I know what is wrong, I just can't get to the part that needs replacing. Have a good time at the pub this weekend '8)' Barb

Thank you so much, everyone of you, for validating how I feel, sharing how you cope and just lifting me up. We will make it won't we? Barb

How do you answer when people keep asking how you are doing? I get up, get dressed, eat sometime during the day, went back to work my 2 days a week last week and appear to be funtioning well. But I am so unbelievably sad. How are we supposed to go on living when the best part of us is gone and never coming back? How do we ever have hope for anything, or positive thoughts or even care about anything again? I can't even write anything to the new people because I wouldn't believe it anyway. I feel like the past 5 months of treatments, tests and drugs were all for NOTHING. I don't blame the dr. or Rod for smoking. Today in church the message was about "it isn't fair". My brain can't actually hold on to anything so I don't remember what he said but the one thing I caught was just that, life isn't fair. Barb

All of you wrote exactly what I am also feeling. I've been checking in here but too depressed to write, but tonight I read your words and they fit. I don't think I will ever be "me" again. It hurts so bad, how are we supposed to go on? Barb

I am feeling the same way you guys are. It just DOESN'T seem real, when do I get to wake up from the nightmare and life is they way it was last (2006) summer before my sister-in-law died, too? When will we feel "safe" again, when will we be content again? I also wonder why Rod? He was such a good, decent man. I saw my therapist today and she had a lot of good things to say to me. I couldn't have gotten through the past 5 months without her help. This has really brought me to my knees in more ways than one. I can't believe how unreal this seems. Surreal is my new descriptive word for my life. Prayers to all of us grieving people to get strong again. Love to all Barb

Rod passed peacefully to Heaven this afternoon at 4:20. Lacy, Jeffrey and I were at his bedside, Jeff had his hand on his father's chest and felt his last heartbeat. How we will miss him. Barb

Shirley, I am so deeply sorry. Please know we are here sending our best thoughts and prayers to you. Barb

I have a picture of my sister-in-law who is now gone and me the day they were moving out of Lincoln to Illinois. Behind me is a grouping of family pictures. Also the dog lays by me or under my desk in the evenings. Barb

Sometimes I think "freaking out" is a release for your emotions, as long as it is short lived. When we got the dx, I screamed and cried and raged for about 5 min. Then I felt better. I hope things go well for you. Barb