stand4hope

Grrrr! Ok, now I'm jealous! I WANT ONE, TOO!!!! This is just cool, nothing but cool! You will be the best grandma ever, Ann! Much love, Peggy

Hi T! I sure do love you, girlfiend, and am so glad to see your words and your picture. I hope the not so ok days become less and less and the ok days, even good days, become the norm. I'm hoping and praying, Teri, that you have a lot of time left - lots of time to enjoy your family and get said and done all the things you want to say and do. This time with your family and close friends will be wonderful days and moments that they will treasure forever. My very best memories of my parents are the weeks and months I cared for them. It was also a very special time of bonding and mending, especially with my mom. Let them fuss over you and do things for you. Later, they will be so glad they were able to do things to help you and make you more comfortable. My prayer is for lots of love and laughter in your home over the next MANY months! Love you! Peggy

Wow! You guys have done some great things for others. Ann, that was an especially kind and thoughtful thing to do. I haven't done anything great and wonderful for anybody lately except offer to help a couple of the ladies at our new office who were working late. It was kind because I know absolutely nothing about their jobs and stay late every single night myself trying to get my own work done! They didn't take me up on the offers, but I would have definitely helped them if they wanted me to! Love, Peggy

Dear Sherri, I am saddened to read this. I saw your last post and figured things were not good. My sister could really identify with your feelings about not getting there in time. Our mom passed away as she was coming up the elevator at the hospital and she had made a rush trip all the way from Georgia to Indiana. It took her a very long time to get over that. She was there when our dad passed, so I was glad for that! You take care, honey, and I'm so sorry you have to suffer this great loss! Love, Peggy

I am so very sorry for your loss, but I am glad that you got to spend some time with him. I lost my dad almost two years ago and know it's hard to lose our wonderful dad's. God bless you! Love, Peggy

Dear Lisa, Like Randy said, there just aren't any words that will make it go away. If there were, I would use them on myself. It's funny that they mentioned talking to the stars. I haven't actually done that, but I did have a long talk with Don in the car a couple of weeks ago, and it really was therapeutic. I don't know that I believe that he heard me, but it made me feel better just doing it. I talked to him about our son, my job, all my worries and fear, about how I didn't know whether to stay in the house or sell it, and I also gave him heck for not teaching me how to do a lot of things or telling me where things were. It sounds like we're all alike with this, Lisa. The overwhelming sadness blindsides us, usually when we least expect it. I, too, sometimes think that I'm tired of telling people I'm ok. I'm not ok. But, then again, I am ok. It's just up and down, up and down. Hang in there, Lisa, everyone promises that it really will get better with time. Love you, Peggy

Dear Berisa, It will be two years next month that I lost my dad, too. It seems like yesterday, but oh how sweet the memories of my dad - just like you! God bless you, honey! Love, Peggy

Ditto that, Tina! It's hard. I'm not only missing Don with great anguish, but I am missing my mom and dad, too! I did fine with my mother's death, all except Mother's Day. I have had a hard time every single year on Mother's Day for the past six years! We always bought her really pretty flowers that she could plant outside because she loved to watch them grow. Mike got me a beautiful Hibiscus plant, so that helped a lot! Don always bought lots and lots of flowers and hanging plants the Sat. before Mother's Day, so I did the same thing yesterday, and bought for myself the same kind he always bought just for me! They are hanging out front and today (inbetween the incessant rain), I plan to plant the others. So, hang in there, Tina, plant some flowers and water them with your tears - that's what I will be doing today! Much love, Peggy

Dear Ben, I also vote for a second opinion. My husband was diagnosed Stage IV with 8 brain mets, numerous bone mets, and a little in his liver, and he was given 6 months with treatment. He not only survived two years, but he was healthy and active and worked full-time, 10-12 hours a day, for well over 18 months. He was doing well even when we lost him and would still be here mowing the lawn, cracking jokes and griping about gas prices if he hadn't had a very, very, very rare reaction to chemo. He even took a motorcycle trip from Indiana down through the Smokey Mountains a year after he was diagnosed, and after lung radiation, two kinds of brain radiation, and I don't even remember how many chemo combos - lots! I'm thinking that if you don't at least get a second opinion, later on you will always wonder. I will pray and ask God to give you His guidance to help you make a decision. Either way you choose, you will have unconditional love and support from this site. Love, Peggy

I actually have to add something about that movie. I have three favorite scenes: 1. The one that Cindi mentioned, 2. The one with Weezer giving the dad the "butt end" of the armadillo cake and his "piece of *ss" line, and 3. When Clareece pushes Weezer off the bench. LOL! GREAT MOVIE! I, too, have watched it over and over and over. Peggy

Dear Val, Here's why you wrote it here: BECAUSE YOU CAN!! This is a safe place to "let it out". You might not always get a lot of responses because some don't come to this forum and because some just don't know what to say, but I know they all care. I think when we have walked this walk and made friends here that it's just natural to want to lean on them. I've tried a couple of the widow's forums and just can't get that "connect" like I feel here. I have to tell you that I literally threw my head back and laughed out loud when I read this: I'm in the middle of a big argument with my neighbor, and have been very upset and angry for two days. What brought me to my senses was knowing those words of your Mom are EXACTLY what Don would have said to me. Many years ago, he actually bought me a book on how to be assertive because I'm such a wimp. He NEVER had a problem with being assertive. I don't know if I could ever by "that" strong, but your mom and my Don sure did think alike. I also identified with these words: I just did that myself, for the first time, a few weeks ago. Oh, I've cried and I've cried a lot and long, but I let loose with that "gut-wrenching from my toes" big one only recently - also many months after the fact, so whenever it comes, just let it flow! There isn't such a thing as "the right time" or "too late" or any of that! One last thing, don't worry about what anybody thinks about how long it's been. I just quit caring about that. They are going to think whatever they want to think and we can't do a darn thing about it. I just recently also had a good cry over my mom and dad, and it's been 6 years since my mom's been gone and almost 2 years since my dad's been gone. I went to their property last weekend just to see . . . Their old worn-out trailer has been removed and a cute little modular home is now nestled in their beautiful evergreen trees where they loved to sit out at their picnic table. I was glad it was so far to get back home - it gave me plenty of time to cry. I don't give a RIP what anybody thinks, and you shouldn't either. Remember your mom's words above. LOL! Big hugs to you, Val! Love, Peggy

You bet! In fact, I let out some anger against someone in a post here today that was against someone NOT on this board. The time and place of the post were both inappropriate and I have just now deleted my words. Right now, a water gun would be totally inadequate for that person. A pressure washer would be my weapon of choice! Love to all, Peggy

Hi Teri, I just wanted to say hi today . . . thinking about you and so much hoping you are getting relief from pain. Do you think your husband or son could post for you from time to time if you aren't up to it, just so we can continue to say hello and send you good wishes. Missing you, my friend. . . . Love, Peggy

Dear Val, What you are doing right now is perfect - absolutely perfect! You are DOING something instead of just telling them to let you know if they need anything. To me, the most important thing is to not be afraid to talk about it, ask about it, and don't act like it isn't happening. Probably the thing that helped me the most was people asking me how things were going and then really hanging around for a minute or two to listen and respond, and actually ask questions - that shows genuine interest! The thing that hurt me the most was people that never asked me how things were going. After the fact, the thing that would help me the most is exactly the same as above. So, just always remember your friend now and later! You are doing just great! Love, Peggy

Dear Beth, I wrote about two paragraphs here this morning, but my boss came out and I had to do something right away, so I just deleted it. Can't imagine why he would think I should have to work . I thought he was paying me just because I'm "drop dead gorgeous". Thanks, Ginny! That line made me smile - and I needed it! Beth, I wish I had words of comfort, but I'm struggling to find them. About the best I can do is send you a huge hug. I still haven't hit that point where it feels any easier. Other than keeping as busy as I possibly can, with as many projects as I can find, and spending more money than I should, I just don't have any words of wisdom. I don't know about you, but just knowing there is a Ginny, Pat, Ann, Randy, Karen, Tina, Lynne, and myself, and so many more, feeling and experiencing every single day the same things, is very comforting to me. I hope and pray that you can draw from the collective energy of everyone here and keep moving forward. Love you, girlfriend! Peggy

Dear Bill, I am so very sorry this is happening. I hope you will always know that you have done everything - and even more than everything - for your beloved wife. I hate to hear she can't take deep breaths because that must be very frightening for her. You didn't say what the drugs were but I know that morphine relieves the horrible anxiety that comes with not being able to breathe. I just wish I knew more to say to make this better, easier, or less painful for you, but I just don't. I hope you can at least gain some comfort knowing that so many of us have walked in your shoes and know how hard and painful this is for you. God bless you, Bill! Love, Peggy

Kasey said: Kasey, your words are perfect! I wish I would have been able to put into words what you said. When I posted above, I struggled with saying anything at all! Teri, your grace and dignity are unparalled. You are so young, a nonsmoker, and have everything to live for, yet we have never heard one single word of complaint come out of your mouth. You asked for help and advice, told us about your troubles, your pain, and your fears, and offered all of us your love and support, but never once did you say "Why me?" or show any anger or blame - none whatsoever. You are truly awesome! Yes, Teri, Kasey's words: valiant warrior, grace and dignity, given your all, remarkable, provided hope, carried heavy burdens . . . are PERFECT! And also, as she said, I, too, hope that you can feel the energy from all of us - I know I have been a recipient of the energy that has come from you! Bless you, my friend! Love, Peggy

Oh, dear, Teri, My heart isn't just broken to read this - it is shattered into a million pieces. I am saddened beyond your imagination. You are one of the dearest, sweetest people I've ever known in my life. I am glad to hear you and your husband have peace with this, and I hope the same is true for your son. Now, I am going to go look for some for myself. I love you, sweet lady! God bless you! Peggy

Dear East Coast Ladi, I can't add much to all the wise words written above me. It never helped me, though, to try to focus on the positive or look for the good or any of those things. The reason is because, like Ann said, it is almost impossible to find anything to be happy about or look forward to. I did, however, do exactly what Ann and Carleen said - saved the sadness and tears for a safe place - away from my husband. I always came in cheerful, was optimistic, in a good mood, smiled, did my normal things and just enjoyed every minute I had with him. I would watch him when he didn't know I was watching, and I would cry when he couldn't see me crying. The number one thing that did help me, though, was doing exactly what you did here - let it out to others who care and are where you are or have been there. There is just something magical about knowing others understand and have walked, or are now walking, the walk that you are walking. I have known most of the people that have responded to you here for over two years, and I can tell you that they have all had the exact same feelings, thoughts and fears that you are experiencing. Our collective understanding will do absolutely nothing to take away your fears, but hopefully, it will give you a feeling of not being alone. And, by the way, a first name helps if you would like to share yours. It's easier to pray for you that way. God might not know who I'm talking about if I asked him to bless East Coast Ladi. Much love and big hugs to you! Peggy

Here you go, sweetie! http://www.angelfire.com/comics/evercle ... Happy.html

Wow! Val - great writing - great words! It's amazing how we know things in our head but sometimes just can't put it into words with impact. You've done it well, Val. Love, Peggy

Dear Shannon, I don't post much anymore, but I was really taken with your words and so much understand everything you are saying. You can probably tell from my username that I do stand for hope, and I, too, believe there is always hope. I believe that mostly because they just keep coming up with more and more things to treat cancer, and there is always the chance that the "thing" your dad needs is going to come alone. At the same time, I also don't believe in being Pollyanna about this disease. I love what Becky (Snowflake) says: "This disease isn't for sissies." It is a devastating and not-very-hopeful diagnosis, depending on the type, stage, spread and areas of the body affected. While there are some who beat it back for a very long time and some who beat it back forever, unfortunately, well . . . you know the rest. From what you describe, it sounds like your dad is quite ill, and his quality of life has deteriorated extensively. Nevertheless, additional treatment is his choice! My husband was the same way. He just had to try and keep on trying. He always had that hope that he would get that miracle and make it. I remember when my mother was dying that I said something in her hospital room (don't remember what it was) that my husband thought was inappropriate. He pulled me aside and said, "Don't say that. She looks like she is asleep, but if she can still hear you, she still has HOPE." Of course, I was then ashamed of whatever it was I said, but he was absolutely right! So, the best advice I've got is that I think you should prepare yourself, as best you can, for the worst, but always, always, always EXPECT that miracle because your dad is betting, by getting even sicker from chemo, that he might get that miracle. He needs to know that you believe it IS possible. Much love and great big hugs! Peggy

You might want to double-check this. For some reason, the words used in this announcement, Tina, sound like it could be a hoax and may not really be from ACS even though that's what the email said. For one thing, I don't think there is any kind of medical coverage test "guaranteed" - it all depends on what your insurance co. covers, doesn't it? At least I think that's the way it works. I checked at the ACS website and their hoax list, their press releases, and didn't see anything about this at all. I also checked Snopes.com and truthorfiction.com, but am at work and don't have time to research this right now. Anyway, if it's the real thing, I SUPER apologize, but thought before this causes a big uproar, we might want to get it confirmed. It just sounded a bit "off" to me. Love you! Peggy

I don't usually have time to read all the jokes here, so this may have been posted already. If not, it sure made me laugh! Follow the link and wait 5-10 seconds for the video to start. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/110680/su ... ter_event/

Listen, Lori, if you can't beat the system, then you just have to work with what is there. The situation you describe with your mom is exactly what I had with my dad in the nursing home - we had to get the TV, no electric bed, he couldn't move, etc., etc. It was hot and we had to buy a fan. He eventually had to be fed, which they did, but not until they could get to it, so sometimes his food was cold. He was totally bedridden and on a ventilator for the months he was there. Also, he would have been happy to have had a 10 minute response. Many times he had to wet himself (and do other things) because all the aids and nurses were tied up with other patients. It was sad, it was bad at times, but I KNOW that at least where he was, they were absolutely doing the best they could with the resources they had. I had as much empathy for the staff as I did for my dad. They were literally worked to the bone. That's just the way it is. I know it costs a lot of money and for that kind of money, you would think it would be like a hotel suite with aids all around - but it isn't. It's not a lot different in most hospitals, either. There is a terrible shortage of nurses and aids, and some places, of course, get lazy nurses and aids, just like we all have lazy people that work in our offices and on our jobs. That being said, I'm going to be blunt and just say you have to hold your head up, go with what you've got, fix what you can fix, and you just have to let the rest of it go. If you don't, you are going to be the one in a hospital. That's all you can do. Just work with the system that's there. On the therapy, if you can find the time, or someone else in your family can, or a friend, you can do some therapy with her yourself - IF she will let you. If you don't know what things to do, ask them if you can go in the therapy room and watch. If not, I'm sure there are books, internet or other resources that will give you ideas. I just don't know what else to say, but I can tell you are on the edge and that isn't going to help anybody. Step back a bit, take lots of deep breaths, if you are a praying person ask God to help you cope, and ask everyone available in your network of family and friends to help you, too. The system, health insurance, and health care are far from perfect, but it's a lot better than they have in other countries. We can continue to lobby for change, work for change, vote, speak up, shout, but until changes are made, it just is what it is. I know it stinks, but it still is what it is. Hang in there, Lori! You can do this! Love, Peggy