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ginnyde

Asking the General Group for an opinion

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A few of us that have lost our spouses have talked about this and decided to ask for the opinions of others here.

While this is meant in no way to diminish the grief and loss that is felt by every member of a family, there is a different kind of loss felt by a spouse. We have discussed a forum for widows/widowers where we could help each other through our grief. We believe we share a common thread.

Any thoughts please.

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I think this is an execellent idea.

I can relate to anyone that has lost a sibling or parent but I have no idea what it is like to lose a spouse.

This a loss which I'm sure is like no other so a forum of it's own makes sense to me.

Geri

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I guess I feel that what your asking for is a Grief Support Group. I don't feel that's what the Lung Cancer Support Community is in need of.

There are many Grieve Support Groups available on the Internet. And they are set up for what ever works for your needs (spouses ,widows, widowers, etc). I have shared a link about a Grief Support Group in the Grieving Forum as a Sticky.

I think it's somewhat depessing to people to come here in looking for hope, support, and medical information, and reading about someone's grief. We have a greiving forum and an obituary forum and that to me should be an end and a start for people in need after the loss of a loved one, before they move on in there life, or before they move on to a Grief Support Group.

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Ginny,

Having lost my Dad to lung cancer I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a spouse but, I believe if a grief forum for widows/widowers would help anyone I think it is worth the effort however, it doesn't seem that it is likely to happen here.

Jean

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Why can't the grieving forum be used to discuss issues of losing a spouse? It would be difficult to have separate sections on grieving a spouse, grieving a parent, grieving a child, etc.

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I suppose I am gonna' sound like I am "riding the fence" on this one......I can certainly see the value for widows/widowers in having a special place to support each other during the grieving process if folks don't feel like the existing grieving forum is meeting their needs. And I will add to this that if there is a way to make that happen, it would be most helpful to have it here, since many friendships are being made here along the way -- I think everyone might agree that you tend to want to turn to people you "know best" for that kind of support initially, rather than running off to a new support group where you don't "know" anyone -- you are already having to start over and doing that with "a new group of strangers" isn't making it any easier....not that we all really know each other over only the internet, but we do tend to have a bond, the more we share and support each other's experiences.

That said, extensive grief support may not have been the original intent of the administration here in creating and maintaining the site (I don't know). I am sure that every forum that gets added incurs additional expense and volunteer time to monitor and manage; so I will defer to those who administer the site as to what is really feasible: there may be limits that we may not all understand to what is possible to keep up with in here and not run the site and its overseers ragged.

Linda

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I think it is a good idea. Unfortunately lung cancer is such a deadly disease that the ones left are the ones who can provide information, support, advocacy, etc. The parents, aunts, uncles, brothers/sisters are needed to keep this site active and full of knowledge and experience.

And more unfortunate is that there will be other's who lose spouses, children, brothers, sisters, etc.

Support is instinsically part of this site. A special one for spouses and others could be put under the current Grieving Forum.

By supporting those left behind it can only strengthen this site. There is bandwidth for jokes, etc and non-deep threads (Which are needed), why not

a few threads for special grieving situations?

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Ginny,

Many times lately I came near taking

a permanent hall pass, because I don't

feel needed as I don't know the latest

treatments or operations for lc.

All I know is what I accumulated in seventy

eight years of living and my last is the

knowledge of what a widow/widower have to go

throught after their loss and how to survive,

I am completly alone, no children no family

left and I did it, so I think that could be

useful but not needed I'll go somewhere else.

You are right Ginny, I'm with you.

Jackie

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Just a reminder to everyone, Katie and Rick are on a well-needed vacation, so there won't be any determination until they get back.

Not that I have any say in whether a forum will come about, but FYI, personally, I am indifferent to another forum, if it will help people, I say great. But there are a lot of factors to consider such as I know that Rick works long long long long hours these days, and it does take a lot of work to make changes to the website; and there may be a lot of people who have different opinions on such a forum who don't vocalize it on the website, but do it through PMs.

Let's chill out till the Browns return from vacation :)

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Well, I would like to put my opinion here before this either gets locked or deleted.... because thats what we do here when things don't go exactly as some feel they should....

Ginny, I believe the idea of a forum exclusively for widows and widowers would make a great deal of sense.

I know just from myself trying to identify what my Mom is going through, we are grieving for Daddy on different levels. As hard as I try to help her, I simply don't understand the depth of her loss.

I believe if we have time for a forum entitled "Just for Fun" then we should have time for a forum addressing the loss of a spouse. Believe me, I am in no way diminishing the "just for fun" forum... there are plenty of days when I simply need a place to go for levity and to find out more about my fellow support group members and I head straight for the "Just for Fun" Forum.... I guess the point I am trying to make is what seems unimportant to some, may be EXTREMELY important to others. Lung Cancer is definetely not just for the living.... My Dad has been gone over a year and I think about lung cancer DAILY. It has become part of who I am...

This is my opinion for what its worth..... I hope to some it may be worth something.

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I'll be honest, at first I didn't get it, but in reading your explanation and why you feel its needed I think I understand now. Many of the forums are somewhat redundant and could be combined to make room for this one. Spouses are generally the main caregiver and it is understandable that the loss of a partner is different. You have my vote, I think it would be nice.

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Ginny i think it's a good idea but not a real need either. The reason i say that is i can or you or any one can express there grief in a posting here and probly get as much responce as one would in a separate section just for that purpose......

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I do wish to share this. I was not speaking to this post as a BOD. I was speaking to this post as one of the GENERAL GROUP MEMBERS. I thought you wanted opinoins at least that's what you said, but I guess only those that are in agreement with your's. You can nix my opinion.

And for the record I am not a Board of Director anymore.

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Combining some of the forums that are redundant and making room for this would be nice for those who need it. Having been in computers for 30 years it is very time consuming and expensive to run, especially when one has a job, family etc. Whatever decision is made and whatever one's opinion is on a subject should be respected.

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I'm staying out of the debate because I have never lost a spouse, or a parent, or a sibling. I just want to say that this place would not be what it is for me without the presence of some of the widowers and widows that continue to honor and bless us with their presence and insight. in part, BECAUSE of their widowedness, but mainly just because of who they are.

just wanted to put that out there.

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As I say to my son, shhhhhh, shhhhh, take a deep breath, relax, shhhhh, shhhh . . .

Ok, here's my 45 cents worth:

There are really two parts to this thread. 1. Ginny asking opinions about a separate widows/widowers forum, and 2. Connie's feelings that this isn't a grief support group.

I think a widows/widowers forum would be nice, not critical, but nice. Anyway, those of you who are so kind to respond to my whining on the Grieving forum, I'm sure would still be just as kind and respond to me no matter where I post. You are all just that kind of wonderful, caring people! So, I can go either way with this. Ginny and I talked about it before she posted and she could throw it out there as an idea and see what you all thought about it.

Now, about Connie's feelings. What I "hear" from her words is that she thinks perhaps everyone grieving, not just widows and widowers, should move on after a time to a grief support group.

I have to say that maybe she has a valid point. I will tell you that I truly don't want to leave this site, at least not yet, because to me, you are like family, and I guess I'm not ready. BUT, I really, really do see that to some survivors and caretakers that just having the Grieving and Obituary forums there could shatter hope. Friends, I truly am ALL ABOUT HOPE, and I don't want to do anything to discourage anyone's hope.

Now, I will say, though, that even with that, unfortunately, death is a very real part of this disease. Some of us, like me, will decide to go ahead and move on out of here, but I think you should always have grieving forums alive, active and very available. I can tell you that if it weren't for people like Peg (remember sweet Peg and her precious Bill) and Ginny, and Jackie and Ann and Lynne, and others that lost their spouses before me, I would not have been as prepared as I was when my Don died. After Don died, I heard Ginny say so many times on the Grieving forum that keeping busy was the best answer, that it was like a command. I knew I had to keep busy because Ginny said so! That's what she did and Ginny is happy, healthy, smiling and back to living!!

Ok, sorry, that was 52 cents worth. I'll shut up now.

Love you guys,

Peggy

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I believe if persons in bereavement find it more helpful to have their own forum pertaining to their particular kind of relationship loss and administration finds this idea valuable to members then I don’t see the harm. As a newcomer, I didn’t find the obituaries or the grief forums disparaging to the efforts here, I just chose not to read them.

However, every loss is unique to the person who experiences it and I don’t believe one sort of relationship loss is any greater than another. Grief is as individual as we are. Whether the deceased is a spouse, sibling, child, parent or best friend; the depth of the grief is dependent on the individualized personal value placed on the relationship lost. Grief is impossible to rank and paint with the stroke of a broad brush.

So if the grieving forum is to be categorized for a type of relationship loss, then it should be done for all types of losses.

I agree with Bunny, we have some wonderful members here who are widows/widowers!

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Here is a nickel's worth.

When I first came here I didn't know how to navigate around the site. One thing that I saw was people who were grieving or there were posts in obits. The truth is, that scared me as I was barely out of the woods from treatment. It did have a negative impact on me just seeing that real people were dying.

I had to mentally ignore those posts and remind myself that is not me. That is not my path.

However, I returned to this board the following Sept.; one of the posts that stood out for me was Ginnyde's regarding the loss of her Duke of Earl. I was more "mature" in my illness and could separate myself from Earl. Ginny, I took a liking to.

I enjoyed her posts and responses and I knew that this was a caring involved group.

Without knowing Ginnys life or Jackies or Peggys or Sues etc., would take away from my experience with this board and my experience in fighting this illness. I hope you all don't leave to stay in a corner all by yourselves. I want you to be part of the rest of the group. That is what makes this group a whole. I know I don't "understand" what it feels like to be a widow or widower, but it doesn't mean I can't empathize either or have compassion. By leaving the main of the board I feel like I would be an outsider with you that I have grown to love through your words.

But, if you must find a place that feels safe to you, then I guess I would have to go along with that.

That is about it for me. Though I will have more on my mind later, I am sure.

Cindi o'h

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Hi, all! I've been reading daily for a year now and I thought this would be a great time to jump in!Right into the frying pan!

Ginny, Connie, JC, Stand4Hope... all of you. I read you all every day. Every time you post you're taking a stand against Lung Cancer. You all make this site a godsend. As far as I can see, grieving is a major part of this disease and this is one of the few places someone can go to deal with it.

The tone of this thread just threw me. You are all so important to me and many others. Please don't anybody throw in the towel!

You're kicking around an idea. It has merit.

Well, back to the shadows...maybe.

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I have seen many here leave as they were "dis-invited" and pushed to another support group for grief after the loss of a spouse. I miss them all, as much as the loss of their spouse hit me.

Those who stay on, Peggy and Ginny for example, seem to be more welcome when they are posting "generally" and NOT openly grieving. Gee, that's not really fair, if I can post about how scary this disease is, why can't they have a place to post about how they get through all the "firsts" and all the little things that trigger memories that bring tears, like a damn insurance card that is no longer in the husband's name??!

When I first started posting here, there were many of us who were in the battle. We ALL know the flippin' odds and we ALL hope we are the miracle. It just isn't going to happen that way, soldiers are dying on the march and those left to carry on are carrying on with a broken heart. How is that broken heart any different than the terror a newly diagnosed person has? These widows and widowers have been diagnosed - they've had their very hearts ripped out and stomped. They need to heal, and sometimes, the only way to get through it is with the help of others who have walked the same way.

I think there should be a forum for the spouses of the deceased to share grief and other pertinent information - like all the paperwork that needs to be filled out on the death of a spouse for the household to continue to run, etc. We ALL have specific needs and most of them are met on the general forums. I agree with Ginny, on many different levels.

Okay, Peggy, if you have the adding machine going, add another $1.25 under my name...

xxoo,

Becky

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