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Burn out

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After several months of being with my mother in law for 12-14 hour days, it has finally caught up with me. I got a flu and am worn out. Hubby has been put on stress leave from work and his doctor told him he was not to spend his time hovering over his mom.

With no one else to take over from us. We decided that we can not do it anymore. Our children have been suffering . one son is graduating this spring and his needs have been pushed to the side. My youngest son has been working on his homeschooling independantly for the last three months and enough is enough.

We have a lovely palliative center here where she would get wonderful care however she flat out refused to go there. Her doctor had a talk with her and it was decided she would go into the hospital instead. The doctor made it quite plain to her that it was a permanant move. Yesterday when hubby took her there. she complained about everything, size of room ,food, cost of phone and tv (woould have been paid for at palliative and a huge tv with large room)

Now it appears she thinks that she is coming home as soon as I am well. It isn't happening. I cannot do it anymore. it is too hard on my husband and children. I do have the option of speaking with the management at her apartment building and having them evict her. you have to be capable of independant living to be there and she has needed 24-7 care for the last 4 months. I don't want to do this but she is so pigheaded and selfish about this. She has become confused and extrememly demanding. I am starting to resent her attitude which is something I have never done before. She is my husbands MOM and one of my best friends. I just can't do it anymore...

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I know this is hard but I think you did the right thing personally. You have to take care of yourself as well as your mother in law. You had to get some help. Take care of yourselves also. You can notgo on wearting yourselves out like that. I know it is hard to do, but you are not giving up completely. spend time of course when possible but Take care of yourselves. Things will get worse and you will have to be strong when this does happen. PRay for things to get better of course. and think positive. Vent here whenever you feel the need.We are always here for support you know. Willsay extra prayer tonite for you and your family.

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I believe that you need to take care of your family - yourself, your husband and your children. If taking care of his mother is too much strain on your family, there should be another solution found. You have given your mother-in-law (with the assistance of her doctor) two options - palliative care facility or the hospital. She chose the hospital.

Her needs are too much for you, it happens. It's happened in my family before - Alzheimer's. There just reaches a point when it's bad for everyone, including the patient. You are doing the right thing by finding another way to have her taken care of.

(Okay, you get that I support her moving to the hospital, right?)

As for your position that she is being pig-headed and selfish, you described her as confused and extremely demanding - that sounds like symptoms of dementia. Don't be angry with her, she's sick - and THOSE feelings will come back and kick you in the butt. She's scared - but she's also too much for you to handle. Everyone is resistant to change in the beginning. In our situation, the patient thought every time someone visited that she was going home with them. It's heart-breaking, but it's too much to have someone in your house with the mindset of a two-year-old and the reach of an adult - where DO you lock up cleaning supplies so the patient doesn't drink them?

Right now, it's your family's mental health. In time, were she to continue to live with you, it would be her physical health that would be compromised. Work on improving the living situation, and then get some counseling, because you are definitely going to be feeling some guilt and feelings of inadequacy for not being able to "simply take care of" her in your own home.

Good luck,


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I wish she was living with me becky but she has her own seniors apaptement which was alot of the problem because I had to spend my time over there and my kids were left at home unsupervised. I have thought of bringing her her but we are on three levels with one bathroom and she is wheelchair bound.

The best option for her is palliative care center. the rooms are huge, wheelchair accessable have private phones and large tv's, family dining room and kitchen, rec facitlity and even a family room for out of town guests so they can be close to her.

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You've done everything you can, obviously.... however, you can't sacrifice yourself and your family in the process. You are providing the best-care circumstances for your MIL and that's good enough.

I started out writing a bunch more as you have my heart (more than you know) in what you are going through.

Keep us posted and take care of yourself!!!!



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I am sorry you are going through these difficulties.

But, you are right to get her the care she needs. If you keep running yourself into the ground, who will care for her when you become seriously ill?

You must take care of yourself and your family so that you are better capable of caring for her.

Hopefully after a short stay at the hospital she will see things a bit more clearly and change her mind on the pallative care center.

I pray that she is kept comfortable and that she know the peace in her heart that she is cared for and loved.

I pray that you too feel comforted and know that you are doing the best you can and have peace of heart and peace of mind.

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You're right in what you're doing. You have done superhuman care and now she needs to go to a place where they can take over. This doesn't mean you've given up - it means you're thinking of her and of your own children and family. I see your signature includes "A time for everything." So appropriate for your situation. God bless you for all you've done. Please keep posting if you needs support.

Joanie ((()))

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This is a very tough situation that you are facing. But you did give her an alternitive and she turned it down to accept the one she is currently in.

Don't beat up on yourself you are only one person, you cannot take care of the world and you certainly are carrying a heavy weight on those shoulders of yours.

You have certainly done so much for her and you should not feel guilty about anything. You must take care of your family as they are your first priority.

You will eventually be about to devide your time between them and some with her, but most with your family as they are the most important. Your husband can pitch in and take some of that burden off of you. It is his mother.

We are always here to vent or if you need support.

Hang in there I know things will get better for you.


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It is so hard to admit when we have done all that we can do. We all have that frustrating limitation of being human, don't we? I had my own crash about a year ago, so I know the feeling. Take care of yourself and your family, and love her. It's the best you can do!

:) Kelly

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You are a good DIL and friend. You must take care of yourself and your family.

She is going to be well cared for and you and your family will eventually all get better and get your lives back to your new normals.

Somehow all of this works in divine certainty to make all stronger and softer.

God bless.

Cindi o'h

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tough situation,

She had the shock of her life,

You gave her the best care you could,

Now she is not satisfied with her own

decision........nothing you can do with

it, she is the one that wanted the hospital.

Get well and look after your family and in

time all could get smooth again.

Prayers for that.

Hugs Jackie

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Don't heap guilt on yourself or don't let anyone else do that. Other family members can step up if they won't or can't, you and your husband have done a lot and will continue to care for her in a different environment. Take care of yourself.


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Along with everyone else, I agree that you certainly did the right thing. Your MIL may not see it but her best interests really are being met by someone other than yourself. You do have to take care of yourself or you won't be any good to others around you who need you as well. Unfortunately, there comes a time when you do have to make a hard decision and you should be applauded for doing so. You did give her a choice of hospital or pallative care and she did make the decision, while it may not have been the one you chose (pallative setting). She may decide in a short while that she would rather be in the other setting as hospitals are not such great places to be cared for long term. Good Luck and stay strong in your decision.

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