How can I stop the sadness?

[EastCoastLadi]

Why is it that everyday I struggle, the emotional pain is so unbearable. I pray, but I get easily discouraged. If my tears were made of money I'd be a very rich woman! And this is a constant reminder to my husband, he's the one with the cancer, I try to put myself in his shoes and think, how I wouldn't want to see him like this, because it would only remind me of the cancer. Of all the lc to get, he's got probably the worse, it's not fair, how come there are purely evil people out there who are fine, healthy? I don't get the logic in that! I'm sad because I don't think of a bright future, it pains and scares the life out of me. I love my husband so much, because of him I'm able to stay at home and raise our children. But what happens to us, when and if something happens to him????. And all the anti-drepressants and therapy still can't take away the sadness. I'm so sorry to be such a pestimist, I wish I could change.....

[wyogirl]

Please don't feel bad for having feelings of sadness and fear and anger. All of these are so very normal for what you are going through. There are no words that can take away the pain you are feeling, so I will just say that I am sorry you (and all of us) have to go through this awful disease. Remember to breathe, and feel free to vent any time.

Big Hugs,

[ztweb]

Pleae, Don't feel bad for having the feelings that you do...they are totally normal, and you have been put on a difficult journey. Please, know that there are so many resources out there to help you and you CAN beat this disease.

I can honestly say that antidepressants have served a huge role in our family. I have a sister and SIL who use them to quit smoking as well. More than anything we have never been a family to use medication much, but we know we need to be strong and this seems to be helping.

I will most certainly pray for you, and you can know you have my support.

God bless!

[shelliemacs]

I have asked those same questions and had that same anger driven fear your having right now.

There is no fair. It sucks big time. Its awful and wrong and our hands are tied which makes us feel totally helpless. If love could cure cancer no one would have it.

Rage when you must, cry, get pissed, throw things and scream. I have even been so mad that I've wanted to go find a mugger or thug and beat the crap out of him myself for him being alive and my parents not.

i am praying for you all.

[RandyW]

I could not have said it better to any of these posts Every one has made a good point and offered some great ideas. If you did not get emotional you would not be human. Sending Positive vibes to You.

[Don Wood]

I think sadness is normal when we are faced with losing a loved one. Take a deep breath, relax a moment, and then think of some positive things. Hopefully, it will get you through the next moment. Don

[Ann]

Unfortunately, everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal for someone in your shoes. I think all of us that have lost a spouse have dealt with all the same feelings. At this point, it is almost impossible to find anything to be happy about or look forward to. Please know that these feelings are to be expected right now. I found that I had to often hide my true feelings from my husband while trying to keep his spirits up. I became a master of disguise, while trying to keep him motivated and fighting. Then, when I was away from him, I would let the tears and fears roll like rain. I had some really good friends that were always there to listen. Try and hang in there and remember we are all here to help in any way we can. Please PM me if you ever need to talk. I don't always have the answers but I am very good at listening. Saying prayers fro both of you.

[Carleen]

Hi GG/EastCoastLadi;

What you are feeling is so very normal for what you are going through. This is a nightmare from which we can't seem to wake up. There is so much fear, grief, anxiety and stress to each day we are living now. Yes, your husband is still here, but you are already in mourning for the death of the lifestyle you had previously, and the death of the life you thought you were going to have. Now I'm not saying life can't still be great, and that your husband isn't going to beat the odds and be cured. What I am saying is that even if he receives a miracle, the lifestyle and plans you had are over. Worry and anxiety over aches and pains and "What If's" will haunt your thoughts, where previously you probably never once thought about lung cancer, never worried about anything major and were carefree. That is how we all were. Holding onto the feeling of loss for the life we knew is so painful. Fear, not knowing what our life will be going forward is also painful. Even those that have been cured are still living with fears. This is the new normal of your life; and Yes, it does SUCK!

Also though try and understand what so many people are saying here about enjoying the small moments. There will still be many moments of happiness during this time, and moments where you are together and in love. Try and concentrate on those times even more than ever. The choice is yours, you can either choose to see only the negative in each day and the misery, the unfairness of it all, the fear of the future, the loss of what once was (all of which are true); or you can choose to be grateful for waking up today next to your husband, enjoy a shared smile and a stupid joke, feel blessed that you've been given the gift of knowing a love so strong and deep that most people will never get (also all of which are true). The difference is that in the former, you might have as well lost your husband already because you are wasting the time you have in regret, self pity and misery; the latter way you are still creating memories and sharing love.

Ok, that sounds harsh. We are all human and have emotions. It is ok to cry and feel terrible. But I also understand that you don't want to have that consume you and you don't want your husband to see you so miserable. I too never want my husband to see me crying. He has enough to worry about without worrying about me. He is so scared himself, and seeing me scared destroys his confidence. How can he believe he will survive if I don't believe it? But, the tears still do come. Keith is my soulmate, true love and whole world. There is no way I could not cry and be human. But what I do have control over is where I choose to do it. I cry uncontrollable and violently in the shower (Keith must think I've developed an obsessive compulsive disorder to be clean ) I cry in the car.

I know you have the kids, but set aside some time just for you, where you can let it all out. SCREAM, RANT, CRY, until it is all out. And then return to your hubby and let him see your joy at being near him.

You are right, no amount of anti-depressants will make you feel happy again. I take both an anti-dpressant and an anti-anxiety. And I feel an emptiness and dispair that can't be described. But what they do help with is how I am able to suck it in and hold it until I am somewhere safe to let it out. The grief is no longer in control of me and I at it's mercy. I have the grief and I choose how to let it out. But it is still there, and I expect it always will be for the rest of my life now. And that thought alone is enough to make me cry.

Ok, this has gotten really long but I just want you to know I know what you are feeling, and I really do care and wish I could help in some way. I also understand enough to know there is nothing anyone can do to take this pain away. (((Hugs)))

Sending you all my love and warm thoughts and wishes

[RandyW]

Perfectly said Carleen Could n't say any better. I used to go outside at night and do every thing scream cry yell and then talk to God under the stars. It helped so much and I usually felt better afterwards.

[ma's kid]

It's so difficult, isn't it. It's healthy to vent and we are all here for you.

Please draw upon our *collective love and strength*

As many have written, cherish each moment.

Much love to you and yours

Libby

[stand4hope]

Dear East Coast Ladi,

I can't add much to all the wise words written above me. It never helped me, though, to try to focus on the positive or look for the good or any of those things. The reason is because, like Ann said, it is almost impossible to find anything to be happy about or look forward to. I did, however, do exactly what Ann and Carleen said - saved the sadness and tears for a safe place - away from my husband. I always came in cheerful, was optimistic, in a good mood, smiled, did my normal things and just enjoyed every minute I had with him. I would watch him when he didn't know I was watching, and I would cry when he couldn't see me crying.

The number one thing that did help me, though, was doing exactly what you did here - let it out to others who care and are where you are or have been there. There is just something magical about knowing others understand and have walked, or are now walking, the walk that you are walking.

I have known most of the people that have responded to you here for over two years, and I can tell you that they have all had the exact same feelings, thoughts and fears that you are experiencing. Our collective understanding will do absolutely nothing to take away your fears, but hopefully, it will give you a feeling of not being alone.

And, by the way, a first name helps if you would like to share yours. It's easier to pray for you that way. God might not know who I'm talking about if I asked him to bless East Coast Ladi.

Much love and big hugs to you!

Peggy

[Don M]

East Coast Ladi: you can't stop the sadness. It might even be unhealthy to try to stop it. Just let it wash over you and acknowledge it and wait for it to pass.

I like the tips that the caregivers above gave for managing the sadness. It sounds like good advice to me.

Don M

[Susan]

I agree with everyone- this is a normal response to a sucky situation ! You must take care of yourself -

Some good therapy: go out and buy about 6 dozen (or more...) eggs and take them someplace that is rocky ( I went to the beach....) and throw them as hard as you can agaisnt the rocks...- it sounds corny but I found it to be very therapeutic!

[adela]

I too had much sadness and let it out on my drive home or in the shower. It is a normal feeling for you in the position you are in.

Take care, Adela

[bauner95]

I feel like I could have written your post myself. I went through all that you are talking about. I know how hard it is to be strong for your husband and strong for your kids, when you really feel like your whole world is crumbling around you. My crying time was always when I was on the computer talking to my friends who were and are going through the same things I was experiencing. It is ok to cry, and I think you have to cry. It is part of getting through this one way or another. I think what Carleen said is true. Even if our loved ones have not passed away, in some ways, we are already mourning for the life we have lost. I can honestly say that since Mike has stopped treatment and we are on checkups every few months, our life is not like it was before. We are trying to learn to live with life after a cancer diagnosis. It is a real struggle in some ways, because we have both changed since all this began and we are trying to find out who we are now. I still find myself crying at times. I am also taking medicine to help me, but it doesn't take away the saddness. It just helps me manage it better. I wish I could tell you it will go away, but I am sure you already know that it won't.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that you are not alone. I've been where you are with your husband and your kids. I am here to help you if I can. You can PM me and I will listen and help you if I can. I will be praying for you, your husband and your kids.

[Maryanne]

Hi there,

I just want to say that I symphasize with you. No, it it not fair that so many good people have bad things that happen to them. But unfortunately that is part of life and yes it certainly does suck, big time!

What you are feeling is very normal and so scarey. The what if's can make you cazy and very depressed. I feel you must keep a positive attitude that this disease can go into remission. It happens so many times. You got to believe and never give up!

Take one day at a time and don't think too far into the furture. Situations can change at any time. I pray for yours to be positive as that is how I view this unfortunate situation. I could be negative or positive, I prefer positive.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are always here for you as we have walked in your shoes.

Hang in there, I hope you feel better tomorrow. I hope you have family or close friends who can help you with the physical support you need. It always helps to let it out but not around your honey.

Thinking of you, you are very normal..

Maryanne

[dihen]

Hi Greenlass, sorry about your b/f's diagnosis. I think all of us have felt like you do after we initially learn that a loved one has cancer. All of these feelings are normal! When my mom was first diagnosed, I spent the first 2-3 weeks depressed and crying myself to sleep - nothing else in the world mattered. Keep coming here for support - I know the people here were a life-saver to me, many of them will never know how much they have helped me by what they have shared and continue to share. You will somehow find a way to rise up and be strong, but at first, it's very overwhelming.

Wishing you and your b/f the very best...

[RandyW]

GreenLass, Get the crying and fear out of the way first. I spent almost 3 or 4 days with my late wife crying when she was diagnosed. We did not even leave the house. After we got done crying we put on our game faces and started fighting for every day for almost 3 years. Youhave to remember yesterday; Cherish Today and Pray for tomorrow. Keep an organizer for all info starting right now. Write down every question you can think of and every answer or Info you get. keep a list of meds and apptmnts in this book, Diagnosis and treatments. If you ever need anything just ask. We are always around to help, Pray, Cheer, talk, and of course Listen to any thing you need help with. Welcome to our family, and saying a prayer for you and your Boyfriend.

[Carleen]

Sorry about your B/F's diagnosis. I pray that it is found early and curable.

Do not feel bad about feeling weak. That is normal, we have all been there. After my husband's diagnosis I think I cried until I was dehydrated. I wanted to crawl in a whole and die. To get personal, I was so wracked up inside that I had diarhhea for 3 straight months following diagnosis, couldn't eat, slept only 2-3 hours a night because I would cry when my husband slept so he wouldn't see.

But all this time people would remark about how "strong" I was, or how "remarkable" I was at meeting this head on. I thought What the hell are they talking about I'm a mess. In the beginning you "rise to the occassion" not because you have the strength to but have no choice. I used to tell people it was like in the movies where you see someone trapped in a room where the walls are moving in and crushing them, but in this case it is like the wall behind you is moving you forward and the one in front keeps opening up whether you want to go there or not. You have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and go ahead. I think what keeps us from falling and being crushed is our love for the person going through the disease. That love lights the path we must travel.

The journey is hard, scary and rough; but there is love and memories to be had on the way. There are moments of grace and dignity, you will meet angels here on earth and see mercy and miracles in action.

Through it all we are here to help you and support you. Please come back and let us know how things go, and how we can help you.