A little update about Carleen

[stand4hope]

Hello everyone,

I think my post on Carleen's recent thread may have been lost in the sheer volume of the thread, so I wanted to start a new one and be sure that all of you at least had a little update. I'm certainly not close to the situation in any way at all, but I have been communicating with Keith & Carleen's friend, TR, so I will repeat some of my post here and add just a little bit more that I have learned later today.

TR has talked to Carleen (I'll let TR decide later if she wants to post her name - she's pretty new to anything like this). Carleen is ok. She is actually getting out of the house a little bit, and she does have her mom staying with her, so she isn't alone. TR has only talked to Carleen on the phone and Carlene is happy to let TR come and visit with her tomorrow. The general message I'm hearing is that Carleen still is not doing well, as we know, with coping, but she is at least moving and putting one foot in front of the other and breathing like all of you have asked her to do.

She is hanging on, and I feel confident that she will continue to do so, and I think that all of you and your love and support are part of the reason. I would also give a lot of that confidence to how I feel about Carleen. I think she is a lot stronger inside than she gives herself credit for. She is wise, intelligent, educated and loving - not to mention absolutely gorgeous, and I have faith in her that she will dig down there and pull all that up a little bit at a time and get through this.

I also feel, though, that she will need us to lean on for quite a while. I thank God that she knows we are here - she KNOWS where to come to find people that care. I also did find and send her some crisis phone numbers in her area and I'm hoping she wrote those down and will call when she is feeling lost and alone. I'm also sure that many of you have given her your telephone numbers, and I pray that she will call you, too. I have truly become a strong believer that talking really does help.

I'm hoping that TR will come here tomorrow, or Carleen herself, and give us an update on how she's doing.

I do love you all so much,

Peggy

[tnmynatt]

Peggy,

Thanks for the update. I have been very concerned about Carleen. Thanks for supporting her and us all, girlfriend.

Love ya,

Tina

[ztweb]

Peggy,

Thank you so much for all you have done. This makes me feel so much better. I knew Carleen had family staying with her, but I was still concerned. Thank you for the note, and for giving us peace here.

God bless,

Jen

[Treebywater]

Peggy, thank you so much for this update, and thank you for watching out for so many of us.

[ma's kid]

Thank you for the update, Peggy. My heart just aches for her and all she is going through. I didn't know she had lost the baby until I went back and read the entire thread.

Libby

[Connie B]

My thoughts and prayers are with and for Carleen.

Thank you Peggy for sharing this information. I do hope she gets some one on one help though. It's going to take time. I totally understand.

[EastCoastLadi]

Thank you Peggy for this information. We know this is an extremely difficult time for Carleen, I know that perhaps she may not feel like dealing with anyone right now, but I want her to know that it's ok and we will be here whenever she needs us.

Grace

[BeckyCW]

Thank you, Peggy. I didn't read your other update until after I'd already posted, myself. (Wasn't looking closely enough to see there were multiple pages... but was glad to see that many people supporting Carleen!) I appreciate the update, and my heart is with Carleen.

BeckyCW

[mamasbabygirl]

Thanks Peggy for the update. I am so glad to know that she has her mom by her side. That means the world...

We love you Carleen and worry about you endlessly. You are so strong, whether you know it or not.

[dchurchi]

Peggy,

Thank you for the update. I did not see your other

post and I have been anxious about how Carleen is doing.

Glad to hear her mom is staying with her.

[Anais]

Thanks for the update!

[Carleen]

Hello everyone,

Sorry to cause so much worry.

I am trying so hard to make it through this one day at a time. It is so hard though. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of something I did with Keith, or that we talked about doing, or just basically I see him everywhere around me and it hurts so bad. My home is filled with his things which is so painful to know he will never use again, but I can't bare to get rid of anything or even pack it away. When I wake up I see his side of the bed still tidy and I realize he didn't sleep in it, I become aware that I didn't wake up to gentle kisses, and no one is there to tell me good morning and that I look beautiful as I lay there all nasty in the morning.

I've had to go back to work because they called me on Friday and told me they needed me back this past Monday. It has been so hard. Keith always called me at least twice a day or sent me e-mails throughout the day to tell me he was thinking of me, loved me, and was thankful for me. As I would leave work, I would have me cell phone out before I was even out of the parking lot and we would talk all the way home. He was so much in every part of my life. I miss him so much.

I keep looking for something, anything that is a sign that he is still with me, and there is nothing. I haven't dreamt since he left me, and I just so badly want to see his face and his warm loving eyes. This morning right before I woke up I thought I heard someone say "I can't believe how beautiful you are" which is something Keith would have said to me, and I woke up with a start thinking it was all a bad dream but there as only silence and I realized I only imagined it. I cried so hard at the fresh injury.

I have had various family and friends coming over, and really haven't had more than 1 or 2 evenings alone. My mom has stayed a few nights but isn't able to be there all the time. There has been a friend of Keith's that has stayed almost every night, mostly because his apartment has been out of power and he is looking for someplace else to stay, but also to be supportive.

Everyone is pushing me constantly and offering so much advice that I am just so overwhelmed. People want to help, but they talk so much about my selling the house, taking in Mike as a roomate, selling Keith's car, etc.. etc... So much has changed so fast and all I want is to go back to when things were normal and steady and wonderful. Keith really took care of me and I never had any worries. Now without him I am losing everything. I'm losing our home, I've lost our baby, I'm losing my sanity, I can't keep his car which he loved so much. Even with a roomate, he can't afford to pay rent enough to keep me there. I just can't seem to manage anything without Keith. I don't want to manage anything without him. I love him so much and I just want to be with him.

I know that scares most people, how much I just want to be with Keith. Yesterday my sister tricked me into going to our church to supposedly talk to someone about financial resources available. Instead it was a suicide intervention and grief counseling meeting. I've told my family that I made Keith a promise and love him enough to not dishonor it and him. I am trying with all my might not to give into any wish to harm myself. At the same time, they don't understand why I am not taking extra measures to stay here if God were to have a plan to take me, why I won't wear a seat belt or go to doctor's appointments. I really do have nothing here to live for. And now I have to meet with a pastor every day for counseling which I barely feel strong enough for at this time. Everything is just going so fast, and I just want to stop time for a while. Why do people think I should be feeling better already, it's only been 13 days? If anything I feel worse each day that passes as I miss him more and more and feel more seperated and alone even when I'm surrounded by people.

I'm doing the best I can. I'm still here living and breathing even though I am now less than half a person.

I have come here and read a few times and it has brought me some distraction. I haven't posted much because I'm just too debilitated, I am so far removed from the person I used to be and in too much pain to know how to respond to people. I know you all understand and care, and it does help knowing that.

I continue to think of you all and wish no one else ever have to feel like this.

[flwrjunke]

Carleen,

Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. Praying that with time, the hurt that your feeling will be replaced with just good memories of Keith. It will take time, alot of time, no hurry. We are here for you.

Patty

[mamasbabygirl]

Take your time Carleen-one day at a time. I am glad to hear that you have support around you.

I am so sorry you hurt.

[hopeandstrength]

(((Carleen))))

It is still so painfully early. I think that you need much more time to make decisions about your home and Keith's belongings. My mother felt pressured to do things and I told her not to worry about those things. 4 months later she still has all of his clothes in his closet. I think we both find comfort going in there.

Anyway...I'm not trying to give you more advice, I just want you to know that we are thinking about you daily. Take your time on all of this..

love,

Cathy

[RandyW]

Carleen I still have every possesion of Debs and its been 6 months do it when you are ready to do things. So nice to hear your voice again here and pray always for you.

[stand4hope]

Dear Carleen,

Yes, like the others have said, take your time. It's one day at a time, that's for sure.

The reason most people are pushing you into some of these things is because they are afraid you are suicidal. Your family and friends, like us, are truly feeling your feelings of hopelessness right now and it scares us. That's because we love you. We are overwhelmed for you and know that you not only have the horrible grief and loss to deal with, but the financial concerns and that you have to leave everything you know and love that you and Keith had together. ANYBODY would be depleted of hope and energy with all of that to deal with at the same time.

I could have written almost every single word you wrote up there, other than the financial concerns. I, too, would wake up in that empty bed, read those daily emails I used to get from Don, be lost knowing he wasn't going to send me one today and I didn't have him to call on the way home to see what he wanted for dinner, how his day went, what was our son up to, etc. The first time it snowed I didn't know how I was going to get home from work without talking to him on the phone to keep telling me I was going to be fine - take this road, that road, etc. I remember sitting in the parking garage and crying because I couldn't call him and tell him I was leaving now. I always knew he was there to come get me if I got stuck.

Well, one other thing I couldn't have written was that he quit telling me how beautiful I was a long time ago. Imagine that!

Carleen, I feel a lot better knowing your strong commitment to keep your promise to Keith. Thirteen days is too soon for anybody to feel better. I certainly didn't! I recently read about some of the stages of grief, and they are really there. You are in the first stages of shock, denial and anger - I would call it the "I can't believe this has happened stage". I kept myself incredibly, overwhelmingly busy during that stage and buried the grief refusing to let it "get me". Well, it got me, and then I was in the second stage - reality. That stage is just as painful as that first stage if not worse. For me, that was (and still is) what I would call the "He's really never coming back stage and my life is totally different now and always will be." For me it was exceedingly difficult because the life I had with Don was all I knew. I used to tell people we were born married - we were 18 and 19 years old, so it was nearly true.

I am now sliding into the third stage - acceptance. I'm clawing my way into the world into my "new normal" and looking forward to that last stage of being happy and content with my new life.

Go back and read Shellimac's post to you. I'm sure you can recall her devastation, suicidal thoughts and attempts that she told us about. It was horrible for her, just horrible, and we all felt her hopelessness, too, and it scared us to death. I'm sure it scared you, too. If no one else on this website can identify with your feelings, Shellie certainly can. She's truly been there - done that. Even though it was her parents and not a spouse, her pain was every bit as consuming as yours is right now. But, look at her now and listen to her words. Her life is new, fresh and she is once again looking forward to the future. Maybe you two can trade phone numbers and talk a little bit.

As usual, I wrote too much. God gave me a gift of typing fast, so once I get started, my fingers just fly with everything that's on my mind. So, I'm done now. You are in my prayers, in my heart and in God's hands. You are going to be ok, but don't expect it to happen anytime soon.

All my love forever,

Peggy

[Remembering Dave]

Carleen - hang in there. One day at a time. I hate it that you had to go back to work. I think you should get some short-term disability or something and take a break. I didn't work for two months after Dave died - I took a month off to deal with it, and then another month to move. It would have been extra hard if I hadn't.

Your family member (was it your sister) who hijacked you and took you to counseling at church only did it because she cares and is worried. I'd like to see you go, on your own, and to a clinical psychologist. And maybe you need a little time before you do that. This is a huge shock. Just take care of yourself and go slow.

Don't know what else to say. I just hate this for you.

God Bless,

Karen

[ztweb]

Carleen,

God bless you today, and always, as you take each step towards peace. Take the time you need, and know we are here.

God bless,

Jen

[MsC1210]

Carleen

Sending you prayers for strength and peace. I do understand.

Love,

Chris

[Darrell]

There are alot of people here who love you. I am one of them. We think the world of you pray everyday that god will give you that answer you're looking for. Just know we're here for you.

Darrell

[Maryanne]

Dearest Carleen,

I know deep in my heart that you will be okay. You are a survivor and will get through this tradegy. Keep posting, keep talking at counceling, family friends, there is healing in that.

You are sooooo loved and you know that. You know that by all the outpouring of love that is sent your way, from family, friends, from complete strangers. There certainly are some blessings there that should be counted there. You would hurt so many if anything happened to you.

That was your Keith that called you beautiful. You will from time to time feel him around you or something will happen that you will give you a sign that he is fine and wants you to be also.

You had a very very special love (my Camelot couple) and it did not die when Keith left this world. He is loving you from afar but is very close but is worried about you. You must keep your promise. You have too.

You will heal in time. Again that infamous saying "one day at a time" that is all you could ask for. You are a beautiful young lady and you do have so much to offer. You do have a purpose and it will come to tuition.

First you must heal, you must grieve, and understand that this was for the best and could not have been prevented. You did everything right, you were right by his side, you were his strength. I know you say he was yours, but you were every bit his life force to go on. He would never have lasted as long as he did with that dreaded disease if it were not for you.

My candle for you shines brightly. Life is so precious and so short you must go on and Keith will always live on through you.

Remember your promise...

Never stop talking about Keith, we would love to hear about him. Maybe you can start by telling us how you two met. I would love to hear that story.

Love,

Maryanne

[MilliBr1]

Carleen, Sounds like you have wonderful family and friends who love you. Just be honest with them and tell them you need more time before you can make all these decisions. My poor dad has 4 daughters and we were all worried about him and were full of advice and helpfulness. Now as I look back I'm sure we were driving him a bit nuts. I know I offered the first week to help him clear out moms things when he was ready. That was 9 months ago and he still hasn't asked for help.

My prayers continue for you.

[annjael]

((((((Carleen)))))) Just take one day at a time. You will know what is right for Carleen, as opposed to what others feel you should do. I absolutely agree that it was your Keith telling you how beautiful you are. I had a couple very compelling things happen after Bill passed, that only he and I knew about, when he was alive. Your Keith is right there with you, watching over you. You will be okay. Grief takes time,,,,give yourself all the time you need,,,not someone elses timeframe. Counseling is a good thing. Talking to someone will help put your very normal feelings, into some perspective that you can deal with. Please know that you are loved and cared about by all of us here,,,,your family at LCSC

Peace,

Annjael

[Ry]

Carleen~

I am so glad you checked in with us. I can't even begin to understand the devastation and heartbreak you're feeling. I am glad you are returning to work. I think it will help you heal. When my sister died as a toddler, my mom told me later that the only thing that got her through it was working. She had to be somewhere where she was forced to do things and talk to people and function. As Ginny and others keep preaching-- keep busy. Just keep walking Carleen and sooner or later you'll get to the other side of this hell. You might not be the same, but you'll get through it.

Lots of love

Rochelle