Bleh...The Not Fun Update

[missyk]

Well...I guess no one can blame me for holding out hope for the miracle, it just doesn't appear that we're going to get one.

Mom's almost two weeks into her stay at the hospice facility and is now starting a decline that's a bit more dramatic...to us, at least. She's still dying on her own terms, in her own unique way...and oddly, I find myself smiling about that. It's just so...HER. They asked my sf if he could think of a reason she would fight SO hard to stay here...they've never seen anyone in her shape hold on so long. It makes me proud and sad all at the same time.

She's confused more and more. She's not sure how to work her phone to even answer calls anymore and "address book" had her stumped recently. She told the nurses that her neck hurt because of the radiation treatments when in fact it's a tumor growing back there that is causing the pain. Her right arm has pretty much ceased to function which means communication is all but nothing right now until I can get a touch-board for her...her voice is gone. Honestly, I'm kinda afraid she'll try to smack me with the board out of frustration...that would be a HER thing to do, too! Ralph (my wonderful sf) told me today that she's refusing pain medication now...I'm not sure what's up with that. They did finally talk her into taking some ibuprofen, but so far that's it. The nurses have said that they're not far from the point of having to sedate her and that confuses me so I'm going to have to ask them about it. I'm not sure if they want to sedate her for her own peace or for theirs! LOL Ralph has taken what's left of his vacation time at work (they've told him he can have all the time he needs...this is just the last of the paid time off) to be with her more and get paperwork in order, etc. Seems that Mom moved papers without telling him and he's having to try to find them now on his own. I wish I knew, better, how to ease his pain during this time but I'm selfish and human and most of the time is focused on my own pain I'm embarassed to say.

I'm sad...but I'm laughing through it all. The tears will have their time later, I suppose. My daughter heard the song "Holes in the Floor of Heaven" the other day for the first time on the radio and got very quiet. For those who don't know, the song begins "One day shy of 8 years old, when grandma passed away..." My daughter's 8th birthday is Monday.

[Kasey]

Well, Missy, you and your dear mama have traveled this road your own way since the beginning and continue to do so. I say 'good for you'! You are both remarkaable women......strong and courageous too. You both have inspired many of us here and have given us reason to smile on numerous occasions.

I am sorry it appears the end of the road is imminent. May this time be peaceful and fulfilling. I raise my glass to toast you both and offer prayers for your comfort.

Kasey

[Treebywater]

Missy--

You know that I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board.

I love that your Mama is keeping her zeal for life and spunkiness right through this. But I just hurt that you all are here.

So many ((((((hugs))))))

[pewjumper]

Missy, I'd like to offer my shoulder, too, and my ear. I'm here to support you in this in any way I can.

You're dear Mom has a mind of her own and it sounds like she's determined to assert it until the very end - and I understand how that would make you laugh and smile. What an incredible woman! (both of you)

We're here for you. You'll be in my prayers in the days ahead. May you find peace in all of the turmoil - and eventually joy in the midst of your pain.

[Flowergirlie]

(((Missy))) It's OK to hold onto a possibility of a miracle. You did get to have time with her and time is a gift too. I am sorry you are going through all of this. I know for me it all seemed so surreal and I was laughing and crying at the same time, kind of uncontrollably, because I realized it was upon us and I was enjoying his company and humor still so much and mourning my upcoming loss too. I will not forget that intense experience.

I hope your mom is able to find comfort and is able to peacefully prepare for her next journey and that you will all be able to embrace the time.

Hugs...Flowergirlie

[karenlaureti]

Oh Missy, My prayers and heart felt feelings are with you1 Please know your mom and you and your family are in my prayers

[mamasbabygirl]

I just love ya girl for being your mother's daughter. I echo Kasey's sentiments and so here is my toast to her wonderful life.

[trish2418]

Here's to a life well lived. My prayers are with you and your whole family.

Trish

[Ann]

((((((((Missy))))))))

I just have to love your Mom's spunk! I love the fact that she's living life on her terms and not about to compromise. I know that this is a very tough time for you. I'll be saying prayers for you and your Mom. It's so wonderful that she has such a strong family to support her.

[Tanner]

I echo everyone's sentiments. "Here here" to your mom as I raise a cup in toast. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tanner

[Littlegirl]

I'm glad mom is fighting the battle HER way...that is the best way to do it! I know that you are proud for her fight and yet sad about it. Maybe you should let her know (without implying its time for goodbye) that you WILL be okay when she is gone and that Ralph will be okay as well. Sometimes people hold on when they feel uneasy about things like that.

I love your spunk and the way you are handling this situation.

I don't think there is a way to ease Ralph's pain other than just being there for him. I'm sure he would love to ease your pain as well.

And that song makes me tear up anyway and now that you've told that story I will think of your daughter every time and bawl!

Prayers for all of you!

[Don Wood]

Walkin' with you.

[Don M]

Missy: my heart goes out to you and your mom. I suppose if I were facing my last days because of lc I would try to hold off the pain meds as much as possible, I hope to have a conscious death. I hope your daughter has a nice birthday anyway in the face of the sadness in your family.

Don M

[shineladysue]

(((Missy))), can't help it.. I'm crying here. It's not easy to let go. My prayers are with your family.

Love,

Sue

[Connie B]

Ditto to what everyone else said. I just wanted to give you a hug! ((((((MISSY))))))

Give one to mom for me, would you??

[fillise]

Missy,

I have fallen in love with your mother from reading your posts. I think you must be your mother's daughter because all of her strength and sprit I see in you too. You two keep right on doing this your way--laughing, crying and loving each other to eternty. ((((Hugs))))

Susan

[Heather_T]

I am sorry you have to go through this with your mom. I can not pretend to knw how you feel but admire the way you and your mother are handling this horrible fight.

[Ry]

A toast to your mom and to you. I know this is hard, but you have been a wonderful advocate and daughter. I hope all goes well and peacefully.

[daggiesmom]

((())) to you and Mom.

Joanie

[Andrea]

What a fighter. Please take care of yourself and the baby. I am so sorry you have to go through this

[Maryanne]

Oh Missy,

It has been such a long road you mom has traveled. You are wonderful as you were right by her side.

She is just not ready to leave yet, but she will when she feels it is time. What a fighter she is. Now I know who you take after.

My heart goes out to you with all you are going through.

I have sent prayes out to you mom, you and your SF who seems like a wonderful husband.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and that little life growing inside of you.

Take care my friend, my thoughts are always with you.

Maryanne

[Nick C]

I know it's hard, mothers aren't supposed to ever be like this. But when mothers do things on their terms...well, I know with mine, they are suppossed to be like this.

Hang in there.