Update on me...going crazy...but that's ok.

[Carleen]

Hello friends,

It's been a long time since my last post, and between posts. Believe it or not, but I've had such a loss of words on how to update all of you on how I'm doing. It's strange because I know that you all will understand me more so than most other people. But I don't know how to understand my life myself much less define how I am doing to others.

I honestly don't know if I'm doing good or not. It really depends on the day, the hour, even the minute.

It's been 17 months now since Keith passed. I miss him so much still. Just saying his name in my head brings me to uncontrollable tears. Most days I just go about my routine and go to work, go home, take care of the pets, go to bed. And those days I think I'm doing ok. I'm able to live and sometimes even smile and forget. Then in an instant it's like he just left me and I'm in agony. It's been over a year, and so much has changed in my life, I've changed jobs twice, I've gotten a dog, I've lost weight, and still so much is the same. In all this time, I haven't changed a thing in the house. His things are where he left them waiting for him to come home. The main thing is that in all this time, I still love him so much and that hasn't changed even a little.

It seems with every step forward there is a half step back. I miss Keith so much! I used to go to the cemetary every day, I've been forced by my new job to do that a lot less since I travel about 2 weeks every month, and I find that its ok. I think that its a step for me to realize that I bring Keith with me wherever I am, not just the cemetary, but the down side is that I'm now being criticized by family for not keeping his grave site as perfectly tended as before. I've made changes to try and manage to keep the house that we built together, but it's so hard to maintain this house and all the yard and things needed for a house all alone. The biggest change I think I've tried to move on is that I've actually accepted invitations to go on a date with someone. I'm luck that someone out there is so understanding of me and Keith, patient and willing to let me love Keith without jealousy and fear. He actually was one of Keith's friends, so he loved Keith too. But the down side is the guilt I feel, and the fear that others view it differently than it is, as if I am over Keith, or that I didn't love him as much as I did/do. I'm just so lonely and it is so nice to spend time with someone who understands and makes me smile even a little and who likes me just the way I am unconditionally and is willing to wait for me and go slow. But I still pray every day for some sign that Keith is with me. I pray every night to see him in my dreams, to hear his voice one last time, to see those eyes, hold him in my arms and be told how much he loved me and tell him how I truly loved him. I've had no sign from him, and I am so empty without him.

I don't know what to say, what to feel, what to think anymore. I am taking it one day at a time, and trying to stay strong today and to stay hopeful that tomorrow will be a good day. Its the best I can do. My new normal is abnormality. People say that things are is not black and white but shades of gray. My life is a little like that in that it is not the beautiful world of bright light and wonderment that it was before, and I'm beginning to break out of the bleak world of absolute darkness and blackness that has been since he passed, but it is now about 400 shades of craziness.

Basically the roller coaster ride that is LC continues.

I am here. I am surviving. I'm probably not ok, but maybe I will be someday.

I miss you all here and keep you in my prayers always. I visit the site periodically and keep current with people and prayers, but just don't have the strength to write much anymore. Please know that I still love you all.

[Patkid]

and we all love you, too, Carleen. Exactly as you are.

I am living in much the same way you describe. Thank you for saying it so well.

I am glad you have company for some days.

I hope you can relax w/ that.

I passed up an opportunity to have a new friend, some days I am sorry ..................so trust yourself.

Love

and

Hugs

P

[Steph74]

Carleen - I don't post very often, but I've followed your story religiously for the past year and a half that I've belonged to this group. The pain and ups and downs you experienced were heartbreaking, and I felt your anguish each time you posted. Your husband was a lucky man to have such an incredible and supportive wife by his side. It sounds like you are picking up the pieces (slowly) and moving forward - which is good, it's great. Please know we are here to listen,

[RandyW]

Socially I am in the same situation as you are Carleen. Check your Mail box when you can for me ok?? Love and Hugs most of all, RandyW

[sharyn]

Carleen,

It is always so nice to hear from you. I think you are so lucky to have a friend of both Keith and yours to be with. Who better than him to understand the kind of man Keith was? Who better than him to understand why you miss him and still love him so?

It may be hard for a stranger to come to grips with all of that, but, someone who has been touched by Keith would certainly understand it all and be able to share in your grief instead of being "jealous" of it. Carleen, maybe "HE" is your sign from Keith... maybe he is Keiths ways of saying, I am still watching out for you and I want you to be happy.

Maybe... just maybe.

Love, Sharon

[kamataca]

I'm always glad to see your posts. I think of you often and pray for you.

I think you are very brave to be so honest in your posts. I think you say 'out loud' what many of us feel, in one way or another. I, too, have waited for 'signs' or visits in my dreams. Both of my kids dream about my mom--I finally just told them to tell her I said hello, and have tried not to be jealous of them.

Take care, and post when you can.

Kelly

[lilyjohn]

I think of you often Carleen. I think even knowing that the end might have been near you were still blindsided by Kieth's death. It doen's seem real until it actually happens and even then it takes a long time to believe they are gone.

Time unlike what most people say is not always the greatest healer. It helps us to cope most of the time but it doesn't take the pain away. It is just forced a little deeper into our core.

You are doing what is right for you. It has been said so many times there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are feeling Kieth's loss. Others miss him sure and that is their loss and they will have to deal with it in their own way. Don't let anyone intimidate you or make you feel that you are not doing the best for Kieth. You loved him when he was with you and you love him still. What could he have needed more then or now?

I remember your many posts when you were searching for treatments and following up on leads of other treatments. You gave everything especially your love. Now it is time to give to yourself whatever you need. No one can judge you. Next time someone says something about his grave needing upkeep tell them that you need their help because you are overwhelmed with work and going there too often keeps you in a state of pain all of the time.

You are doing well Carleen no matter what you think. Those days will come for a long time. Tomorrow I face a day with some of the hardest memories from 5 years ago. It is still hard!

[Suzie Q]

You're here. That's what's important.

It's so incredibly hard to crawl out of the black hole, and step back from the edge. I praise you for that!

Many hugs to you.

~Karen

[J.C.]

Carleen,

When I read your post

I remember the words of

___________

I Believe

I have to believe that you still exist.....somewhere

That you still watch me.....sometimes

That you still love me.....somehow

I have to believe that life has meaning...somehow

That I am useful...sometimes

That I make a small difference...somewhere

I believe I have to stay here for....sometime

That all this teaches me....something

So I can meet you again....somewhere.

___________

you are doing the best you can at this time

and it is living each day with memories of

Keith,

you are still looking for some sign from Keith

they may be there but you don't see them,

so keep living at your own pace and accept

what life is offering you, not what you would

like but the nearest to it.

Be happy

Jackie

[fillise]

Carleen,

It's ok to move forward with your life, to laugh, to smile, and yes, even to love again. Only you will know how and when to work through this, but it is OK.

Susan

[Ann]

Carleen.... I completely understand.

[Welthy]

Carleen,

Hugs for you that life continues to be a challenge and hopes that there is a light at the end of the grieving tunnel. I agree, a whole new roller coaster, and one that is far more difficult than the first one we rode while our loved one's fought the good fight.

Welthy

[ztweb]

Oh Carleen...it is so, so good to hear from you. I have picked up the phone so many times to give you a call, and then not done it...thinking you wouldn't remember who I was, or that you wouldn't want to be reminded in that moment of why I might be calling...all in all I have been simply making stupid excuses! So...I am glad to hear from you...

In reading your post, I did think of something...you say you have no sign from Keith...could his friend be a sign? I know that sounds cornball, but really, Keith told you beforehand he did not want you to be sad, or alone...maybe he is trying to take care of you? His love reaches beyond earth, and the life that you had, and in my heart, I think he is trying to help...in whatever way he can and ways that there is no way we could ever understand here on earth. Does that make sense?

To those people who are trying to make you feel guilty or bad about how you live your life daily, I say "PFFTTTTTT!" (you know, where you put your tongue begween your lips and blow!). You get through each day however you can! They don't know what it feels to be CArleen! You remember that girl!

My blessings to you Carleen! I think of you often!

Jen

[Andrea]

I jsut read this now. I think of you all the time. I am so sorry that y ou are still in pain, you suffered such loss at too early an age.

I do want to comment that you made my day by letting us know you accepted a date. You are so young and beautiful and your love for Keith is undeniable, it will never go away, and I don't even consider it "moving on", I consider it as a practicality and something you just need to do. He will never replace Keith, but Keith would want you to find some happiness. I hope that makes sense.

[bunny]

I love what Sharyn said - that maybe Keith is giving you signs in the form of new people in your life, a new job that takes you a little further from the outer trappings of acute grief, etc.

I have no experience that comes close to yours, but you sound pretty OK to me, girl. pretty amazing, actually.

xo

amie

[teriw]

Hi Carleen,

I read your post yesterday, but just didn't know how to respond. I read it again today, and before I ever read any replies, I thought "maybe this mutual friend is your sign." It seems I'm not the only one who thought that.

I've always believed that for myself, the roughest time will come when all the "business" and atypical things are over, and I'm starting to just "live" this new life. I wonder if that's part of what you're going through.

I'm so blessed to have a wonderful "mentor" of sorts, who I've talked about before. It's been over 20 years since she lost her husband. She said a couple things that might hit a cord with you. One, is that when it was about two years after her husband passed, she was suddenly hit with the reality. It was unexpected and threw her for a loop. But that once she recovered from it, life changed and started to look up. Second, in her words, "you'll know a new relationship is from God when everything is completely at ease and comfortable with the other person, you talk about your husband freely, there is no need to "put things away," etc. Basically, you're allowed to be who you are." It sounds like your friendship might be like this.

Lastly, I understand your fear of what other people think. I feel like that when I just have a good day -- that somehow it comes across as me missing Bill less. Of course nothing could be further from the truth. I think you have to trust that those people who really know and love you already know the truth.

Hugs -- hope you come back more often.

[Maryanne]

Carleen I think of you often, and just want you to know from the bottom to the top of my heart, you are held tighty there.

Please keep checking in from time to time. We need to hear how you are doing.

I'm grateful that you have Keith's friend to help you through this. He seems very special.

Hang strong, my friend.

Maryanne

[Littlegirl]

I enjoy seeing your occasional posts as well! And as the others have stated, I also believe Keith's friend coming around is a 'sign' from Keith. Of course Keith would approve. And it is perfect that he understands your love for Keith as he was a part of Keith's life too.

Embrace the changes and the craziness in your life. It sounds to me as if your are doing well, considering what you have been through. We all know here that even if Keith's grave is covered in weeds, that he is still in your heart. I hope those shades of gray get lighter and more colorful in the days and months to come!

[beachnut]

Hi Carlene:

I am going through the same things - I sent you a pm so please check it when you can.

Shirley Humphries