Carleen Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Hello friends, It's been a long time since my last post, and between posts. Believe it or not, but I've had such a loss of words on how to update all of you on how I'm doing. It's strange because I know that you all will understand me more so than most other people. But I don't know how to understand my life myself much less define how I am doing to others. I honestly don't know if I'm doing good or not. It really depends on the day, the hour, even the minute. It's been 17 months now since Keith passed. I miss him so much still. Just saying his name in my head brings me to uncontrollable tears. Most days I just go about my routine and go to work, go home, take care of the pets, go to bed. And those days I think I'm doing ok. I'm able to live and sometimes even smile and forget. Then in an instant it's like he just left me and I'm in agony. It's been over a year, and so much has changed in my life, I've changed jobs twice, I've gotten a dog, I've lost weight, and still so much is the same. In all this time, I haven't changed a thing in the house. His things are where he left them waiting for him to come home. The main thing is that in all this time, I still love him so much and that hasn't changed even a little. It seems with every step forward there is a half step back. I miss Keith so much! I used to go to the cemetary every day, I've been forced by my new job to do that a lot less since I travel about 2 weeks every month, and I find that its ok. I think that its a step for me to realize that I bring Keith with me wherever I am, not just the cemetary, but the down side is that I'm now being criticized by family for not keeping his grave site as perfectly tended as before. I've made changes to try and manage to keep the house that we built together, but it's so hard to maintain this house and all the yard and things needed for a house all alone. The biggest change I think I've tried to move on is that I've actually accepted invitations to go on a date with someone. I'm luck that someone out there is so understanding of me and Keith, patient and willing to let me love Keith without jealousy and fear. He actually was one of Keith's friends, so he loved Keith too. But the down side is the guilt I feel, and the fear that others view it differently than it is, as if I am over Keith, or that I didn't love him as much as I did/do. I'm just so lonely and it is so nice to spend time with someone who understands and makes me smile even a little and who likes me just the way I am unconditionally and is willing to wait for me and go slow. But I still pray every day for some sign that Keith is with me. I pray every night to see him in my dreams, to hear his voice one last time, to see those eyes, hold him in my arms and be told how much he loved me and tell him how I truly loved him. I've had no sign from him, and I am so empty without him. I don't know what to say, what to feel, what to think anymore. I am taking it one day at a time, and trying to stay strong today and to stay hopeful that tomorrow will be a good day. Its the best I can do. My new normal is abnormality. People say that things are is not black and white but shades of gray. My life is a little like that in that it is not the beautiful world of bright light and wonderment that it was before, and I'm beginning to break out of the bleak world of absolute darkness and blackness that has been since he passed, but it is now about 400 shades of craziness. Basically the roller coaster ride that is LC continues. I am here. I am surviving. I'm probably not ok, but maybe I will be someday. I miss you all here and keep you in my prayers always. I visit the site periodically and keep current with people and prayers, but just don't have the strength to write much anymore. Please know that I still love you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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