Jump to content

My Loving Father Is Gone


KC

Recommended Posts

My beautiful father, Matthew, passed away on Sunday morning, March 21, 2004 after a 2-1/2 year battle with lung cancer. He was only 65 years old. He didn't want to die at home and he made me promise no life support. I feel like there was more that I could do. I have so many unanswered questions. We all tried so hard, but he was tired and the last month was filled with pain and suffering for him. He fought this insidious disease with everything he had, but his body just couldn't take it any longer. I wish I was able to say he died peacefully in his sleep, but I cannot. And that is the one thing that is killing me inside. I couldn't stay in the hospital room with him and listen to him gasp for air on that bypass machine all night. I knew that he didnt' want me to see him that way, he always told me that he never wanted me to see him in pain. That hurt him more than the pain did I think. It was awful. It heart was so strong, but his lungs were giving out. So it was like we were waiting there for his heart to finally give in and I just couldn't do it. I know that is how he wanted it to be so I will try and be at peace with my decision to leave the room while he gasped for air. They said he could hear us, so I sat there and talked to him for 3 hours. He was not responding so I don't know. I thought I was prepared for this, but apparently, I was not. He was first diagnosed in Dec. 2001. In July 2003 mets to the liver. He did chemo and Iressa as he was inoperable. After being diagnosed with mets to the lumbar spine in Jan. 2004 he underwent 20 rounds of radiation to relieve the pain. It didn't work. He had a couple of pain free days where he didn't need to take the pain killers, but other than that, he was suffering. For the past month the painkiller's stopped working and he was no longer able to take them without feeling nauseous and getting sick. He tried everything, the patch, liquid morphine, nothing helped. It was a very painful time for everyone. He finally agreed to go to the hospital on March 14th, where he remained until he passed away. His body just gave out. They were giving him Dilaudid through his port which alleviated the pain without the nausea, so he had a few good days in the hospital with some relief. I guess from lying there and all they were doing to his body, the blood transfusion, constant drip of pain killer, the fluids, a pain management Dr. tried epidurals, but they didn't work. I left him on Saturday night at around 7:00 sleeping after they gave him some Ativan after the blood transfusion and when I got back home I received a phone call to come back to the hospital that he was in respiratory distress and wasn't going to make it through the night. The Dr. told me he had a long talk with my father on Friday, and my father refused a thorocentisis to remove the fluid. My father never told me about that, so I'm confused. He also said my father told him not to put him on a ventilator, to just make him comfortable. I guess he knew what was happening. He had been on oxygen since Thursday, but on Saturday they upped it even more. They thought the blood transfusion would help. For some reason, I feel like it hurt him, but I don't think I will ever know. I won't go into any more details, but his pain and suffering has ended. I feel like something went wrong, he was supposed to come home. I am lost and devastated. I lived with my father along with my daughter and it is very hard to be in the house without him. Please know that you all will be in my thoughts and prayers every day and that I wish you all the best and will be praying for the cure along with all of you. May god bless you always. I was able to write something and read it at my father's funeral. I don't know how, but I did it and wanted to share it with all of you. The poem at the end, my brother read at the burial. Please pray for me. Thank you all.

From the day our father was diagnosed with his disease, he faced it with dignity and courage and that dignity and courage never ever wavered, even until the very end. His strength was unbelievable and to be admired, yet he was still the most kind and gentle man that ever lived. We love him with all of our hearts. Our lives are forever changed. His family and the world have lost a beautiful, warm, loving, thoughtful, generous and compassionate man. Through all that he went through the past 3 years, his only concern was his family's happiness. He never worried about himself. A more unselfish person there could never be. If we could be half the man our father was, it would surely be a great testament to the way he lived his life. He touched so many lives. Everyone who knew him always told us what a great guy our father is. He always had a smile and a kind word for everyone. Even when he was feeling very sick. He treated everyone he came in contact with with respect, even the last day of his life in the hospital he was respectful, kind and cheerful to all of the nurses and staff who tried to help him. Even through all of his pain, it couldn't take away his class and good-hearted nature. And because of that, even though he succumbed to his disease, it didn't beat him. He Beat It!! We were truly blessed when God gave him to us to be our father. He always put his family first, before himself or anything. He never worried about his pain, he was more concerned with making sure that he didn't cause his family any pain. Always our protector. We will be eternally grateful for all of the love, support, guidance and wisdom that he gave to us through all of the years. His love and heart will live on in all of us and all those who loved him...FOR LOVE NEVER DIES. He was truly a good man. The Best! They just don't come any better. He will always live in our hearts and we will miss him with every breath that we take. We will stay strong and courageous because that is the way our father wants us to continue on. We will make him proud always, just as we are proud to call him our father. His only wish was for his family to be happy, especially his granddaughter, Lorena. She was his heart and soul and we will make sure that she will always know what a wonderful Grandpa she had and how very much he loved her. He loved her so much, that when we hold her, it feels like we are holding him. Daddy, you are our hero. We love you with all of our hearts and we will miss you forever. You fought the good fight. May you rest in peace. Until we meet again, Daddy...

After Glow

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.

I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when day is done.

I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,

Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.

I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun

Of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KC,

That is a beautiful poem youwrote for your father. Pls remember that he lives on in your thoughts and memories. He will never leave you and your family.

ALso, I would not want my children to witness my suffering. Your dad asked for the same, and you did right by leaving the rooom.

My heart is heavy for you tonight. There are better days ahead, for you and yours, however.

Elaine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KC,

I know exactly how you feel- your words could have been mine, your confusion and questions and shock and stunned that this actually happened....Dad didn't come home...is so so hard.

Here 6 months later it is still hard- be we move and put one foot in front of the other because we have no other choice. There are no words that I have that can help ease your pain. Just know that I am here is you ever need a friend.

I am praying for your peace and comfort.

((HUGS))

I am so sorry.

:cry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KC,

I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain is still fresh for me. I'm sorry you had to witness your father's pain. I know there was a huge relief for me that my mother was not suffering anymore and I wish you the same relief.

I love the "After glow". I had that at my mom's funeral...that's exactly how she would have wanted us to feel. I'm sure your father would want you to feel the same as well. It seems that he was thinking of your best interest at heart and he would want you to go on...so don't feel bad that you didn't want to see him in his final moments...he didn't want you to see him that way.

I'll be praying for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reading those warm and loving words , it is evident that you were raised by a warm and loving man. May he live on in you and may you and your family find peace. Donna G

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KC---I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Father---he sounds like he was a wonderful Father and a great person.

My deepest condolences to you and your family

In sympathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry about your dad. It has been only one month since I lost my husband and I know how raw and pain filled you feel. It sounds as if your father gave you so much. I know it does not seem possible but the gifts that he gave you while he was alive will be what sustains you now that he is gone. Remember that. . .he is gone from sight not from your heart or from your lives or from you memories. His life and his goodness will be a part of who you are and what you do forever. He is gone from sight only. Close your eyes. . .you can feel him with you. I am so, so sorry. I hate this disgusting disease. It really makes me angry. I wish you peace in the coming months. I know your heart hurts terribly right now. You are a devoted and loving daughter and I know he is very proud of you. PM me if you need to talk.

Hollyridge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for your comforting words, they do help so much. I fell apart the first two days and then regained some strength for the funeral and burial. These past couple of days, I do feel that he is still with me, but for some reason I fight that feeling because I think I am just fooling myself and should still feel the agony that I did those first couple of days. I miss him with all of my heart and soul, but I can feel that he is still with me. My father was my rock, the only man that made me feel safe in this world. I can't imagine that he is not here physically. What I am trying to say is, I don't really believe that he is "here" with me, but that he lives in my heart and my memories and that is what keeps him close. I am waiting for a sign that he is still "here" with me. I told him to send me the signs while he lay there dying. I don't know if he could hear me but I kept telling him to send them and how much I loved him. I look every day for them, but they haven't come yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.