Treebywater

Granted Mom had progression while on Alimta so it's hard to know what was the cancer and what was the treatment, but she had an AWFUL time with Alimta from the beginning. The 3rd or 4th day out each time she had 1-3 days of being TOTALLY out of it. Not comatose... but close. She could respond to us only if she absolutely had to. She had shortness of breath too. Was very fatigued and weak, etc.

It's so good to see you again. Thank you for your thoughtfulness in thinking of me. New stuff is always scary. Rest assured that you will be prayed for as you adjust. You are a strong person. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Happy Happy Birthday, Dean!!!

Oh Amie... What a lot to deal with! I'm so sorry things went so haywire. I'm glad it sounds like things are going to level out. (((Amie and Suki)))) Prayers for you guys. Val

KMK-- You can expect to have sweet times of being together, and times of crying over what is happening. You can expect to laugh with your Gramma like you always have, and to feel normal happy. You can expect that she will have days that are better than others. What can you do for your Grandma? Love her. Be there. Spend time with her. Share wedding details. Talk in all the ways you used to. If she wants to talk about where she is in her journey or what may come, let her. Overall just love her. (((hugs))) I will be praying that she gets to share your beautiful wedding day with you. Val

Just wanted to check in and tell you of the world of transition I still exist in. The family FINALLY all left today. It was so nice of them to come, but sometimes it just was so frusterating that I didn't know what to do. My Dad and I are both pretty private about our grief and felt like we couldn't really get started doing it until all the gawking extra people were gone. And I am grateful to have 'my' kitchen back. The funeral was lovely... It was so very Mom. I read scripture for the service and got through it pretty well. Carolyn helped. There were tears in the service, but lots of laughs too, just like Mom would have wanted. The last couple days have been wrapped in the question of "Now what?" We decided after mulling it over that I will go back with my huband for this last month before his *BIG ONE* out. We got a rental house squared away today and we'll leave Sunday (may need a hall pass). The decision was clinched when I realized that this has taught me that THE MOST important thing is being with my family. Carolyn and I need to be with him right now. Then, we will come back and be with my Dad. So... that's the world according to Tree. Muddling through. Holding up pretty well though I know there will be tough days ahead. Have already cycled through lots of feelings of happiness for Mom being out of pain, odd feelings of relief, and sadness about just plain missing my Mommy. Overall though, I'm pretty together.

I'm late here, but I'm praying. Hang in there. It's NOT easy, but we're here to cheer you on even when the going gets rough.

Oh Peggy... bless your heart, and Don's too. ((((Peggy and Don))))) Prayers and love continue.

Oh Fay.... There aren't words except... If anyone can beat the beast, it's you. It would be an honor if you would let me as a part of the 'we' here, fight alongside you. Val

Fall-- The word that comes to mind when I think of you is 'gentle.' Your posts are always so gentle and compassionate. You speak from your heart and your experience and your words are wise.

Oh Beth... Sending much love and many, many hugs. Lots of prayers too!

aching for you and with you and praying, praying.

YEAHHHHH!!!!! Love it, Kasey!!!

Stable is a good word. I'm SO glad for you guys.

I'm so sorry to hear that Cathy is gone. She was such a sweet and amazing person. Maybe her and Mom are meeting and swapping stories today. I am with you in your grieving and praying for peace for all of you.

Mom passed away this morning. Andy (husband) flew in off the aircraft carrier and got here about 11:30 last night. I believe she was waiting for him to get here so she could see him and know I would be alright. I will post more when I'm able. love, Val

Of all of the many expected and unexpected difficult things we are dealing with now, the family tensions that are cropping up are particularly difficult. I didn't expect so much conflict and tension. It hurts so badly on top of everything else. My aunt left early today feeling hurt and angry at us. Daddy and I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her. She seemed to think Daddy thought she had purposely over-medicated Mom. She thought we thought she was in the way. In reality, I was feeling grateful she was here (I got my head on straight eventually), Mom was really leaning on her for support. She had given us a much needed break. But... she was also having a hard time letting us be 'in the lead.' She switched into social worker/I've been here before mode and wouldn't let us in. Even with hospice. She took a lead role in discussions so that I wanted to say, "Hello... We're the ones who live here!" When the CNA came to help Mom get her bath, she took over instead and wouldn't take the suggestions the CNA gave for how to help Mom. I think it was best that she left in many ways, but it hurts me so much that she was hurt. And I was so angry at her, because while I needed to be focusing my energies on Mom, I was having to worry about her being hurt. I was left trying to smooth things over, while she was, perhaps coping with feeling she needed to leave by being angry at us. Dad and I have had flare-ups too. Daddy is afraid Mom is being over-medicated. While I don't want Mom to be comatose, I do want to be assured her pain is managed. So we approach the pain medicine differently, and worry about the same things in different ways. We also cope in tremendously different ways. He focuses on little things to be busy with--housework being the biggie. I on the other hand grow still. IT is all I can do to do what I need to for Mom and Carolyn. All of me is focused there and housework is the farthest thing from my mind (though I am trying so hard to keep up on some of it). Dad and I are both trying to choose the ground of peace. With the high level of emotion, it is a challenge to stay rational. It's not something I thought we would have to struggle so hard with. So far, Daddy and I are able to get to the REAL issues at hand even when things flare up: The fact that we both love Mom and want the best for her. The fact that we need each other right now, and will need each other all the way through this. The fact that we need this house to be full of peace and love for Mom's sake. Overall with all of the family (and more will be coming through soon) I have to remember we are all DOING THE BEST THAT WE CAN with this awful, painful situation. Anyway, it's just a pitfall of all this I didn't see coming. Mom seems to be slipping away so fast... It already feels like she is just a shell. She is completely bed-ridden and sleeps most of the time. It's scary. I am praying for more Mom-like moments... and if the Mom parts of her have to be gone and pain and confusion must be in their place I pray she doesn't have to linger long...

My heart just sinks to read this. I hurt so badly for you, honey... Your Mama was so blessed to have a daughter as caring and wondeful as you. I'm so sorry that she's not with you anymore.

Two Words: CHEESECAKE FACTORY (Not far from Water Tower Place) And you gotta go to FAO Swartz at Water Tower Place.

Oh Pat... I love you, lady. Can I say "Me too" to all of your post? Don't be so hard on yourself. This stuff hurts us all so badly (even those of us who don't feel it physically). Know that you are loved as you are and where you are and on days where all of the above is true, we still love you just the same (and Abba does even more). My aunt said something the other day that I keep telling myself... No feelings are bad. Only what we do with them. And PS--I would have to add: And I eat too many cream puffs and MnMs instead of actually dealing with my feelings or actively helping the situation. (((((Pat))))) (((((Brian)))))

((((Beth))))

1) Carolyn is happy and feisty today after being miserable and feverish yesterday from 4 month vaccinations. 2) My aunt has been SUCH A BIG help, and it has comforted my Mom so much to have her here. 3) I got 3 emails from husband yesterday. 4) Mom is peaceful with this new direction 5) The loving support of LCSC

Oh Peggy, I am praying that this is really a big help. I'm glad it went well.

((((hugs))))

Oh please know that I know the folks who do Hospice are wonderful... It's not that. It just feels so much better to be able to be fighting, and we've passed that point and that's hard. I'm grateful that hospice is an option. I just wish it didn't have to be OUR option now. Val