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Too much pain


Carleen

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It's been a little over a week now since I lost my Keith. I did all those things I was supposed to do, and it was terrible.

Keith was so loved by so many that there were over 200 people who attended his wake and funeral, 70+ cars in his procession. He really was a great man and wonderful friend to so many.

I arrived early for a private goodbye, and it made me ill to see him. It didn't look anything like the man I loved and adored for the past 12 years. All that make-up, the matted down eyelashes and eyebrows, the fake tan it was nauseating. Once people started coming, everyone kept directing me to sit on a couch right in front of the casket. It hurt so much seeing him there knowing he wasn't really there.

Everytime I tried to get up, even to go to the bathroom someone from my family or his family would pounce and remind me that so and so or this person and that person really wanted to talk to me so I needed to go up front. Hell, can't a girl Pee. If they wanted to see me, why don't they come find me. It was like I was the 3 headed pig at the county fair freak show. "Hear Ye Hear Ye Come one Come all, see the amazing grieving widow sitting at her dead husband's side. Squeeze her, pull her hair slobber on her face... you won't believe your eyes. See her pain marvel at her agony. Isn't it amazing." Most of these people I didn't even know and they didn't even bother to introduce themselves like I'm suppose to remember some distant relative I met once 10 years ago. It was the longest evening of my life.

The funeral had a beautiful service, but all I could think and feel was that this was finality. No longer would I ever see his face, or get a chance to memorize every freckle and every laugh line.

After all the funeral events ended things started to slow down. visitors became more spaced out until this moment where I am alone for the first time.

Wednesday I found out I am pregnant. Although I want more than anything in the world to have some piece of him to have and hold, I find I can't feel any joy. I feel unable to hope for anything. I can't pray for anything because I just don't trust it anymore. And it appears I feel these things for good reason. As of Friday my hormones started dropping and the doctors think I may be losing the baby. I'll find out more on Tuesday whether I am losing it for sure, or if there were 2 and I'm just losing 1. I just can't think optimistically anymore. I think God hates me. I think he is too cruel to ever let me be happy again at any point in my life. I just feel certain I will never have joy again, there is just too much pain.

I've already had to go to another hospital and funeral since my husband's. My aunt died of cancer the day of Keith's funeral. Her funeral was yesterday. It was like having salt rubbed in my already festering wounds. How much does God expect me to take? I only made it through the mass and couldn't bear to do the rest of the ceremonies. I almost felt guilty because I couldn't really feel grief for my aunt. I was just in too much pain from my loss to feel any more pain for her.

I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what I am doing, how I am going to make it without him. I am so scared, I am so alone, I am so unhappy. I don't think I can survive this. My heart hurts so much, my mind has turned to mush and I just can't even take care of myself in the smallest ways.

Financially I am destitute and can't even begin to image how I'm going to pay the funeral bill when it comes. But I can't seem to care. I really don't care what happens to me. I really wish I would just drop dead from my broken heart and then I could be with Keith again.

Someone please tell me what to do. What do I do with myself now? How do you get through this?

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TeeTaa is right, Carleen. Just hold on. Just do whatever automatic robot actions come to you and just go through the motions and don't feel bad about anything you're thinking or doing - you're still in shock and whatever you think or feel is ok -- people aren't alike and people don't react the same.

It is sooo much harder than anything I've ever faced in life, but you are still precious to others in your life and you know Keith would want happiness for you - it just will take a lot of time and many ups and downs. It will never be the same and you will never stop missing him, but eventually it does become bearable. Don't expect too much of yourself right now - just get through each day. Just hold on.

About the pregnancy - I don't know. The timing is incredibly hard. Just take care of yourself the best you can and whatever works out you will know you did all you could. It really is outside your control.

Just know we all care, and many of us realize how much pain you are going through.

(((Carleen))))

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(((((((Carleen)))))))

I know that it is so hard for you to even imagine that things will ever be any better than they are right now. I remember the day after Dennis' memorial service so very well. I had so many of the same feelings of despair that you are having. I don't want to patronize you by telling you that things will get better....but they will. You will always have a empty space in your heart that will never be filled but living day to day will get easier. You are so very young and have had to suffer so much pain. I know that you wonder just how God could even expect you to continue on. I had the same thoughts and was very angry and bitter with God for a very long time. Oh, how I wish I could somehow magically take all of your pain away. My heart is breaking for you and for all you have endured. Just know that one day you will wake up and life will be a little better. Please take care of yourself right now. I am saying so many prayers for you and that little life you are carrying. Oh, how I wish there was something more I could do or say that would help you through this time.

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Oh Carleen I am so sorry your farewell to Keith was so hard. Please know that this dispair you are feeling right now will go away and their will be joy in your life again. No, it will never be the same and it will always hurt but I am certain that there will be MANY joyous moments in your life still.

And don't feel guilty about not being able to grieve for your aunt. I think it is great that you even found strength to make it to the hospital and to the mass as it must have been such a painful reminder.

I'm sure it is hard to function and take care of yourself right now. Just do what you need to get by and let your friends and family take care of you until you are stronger. Don't rush it. This was a long hard battle for you and you deserve to take all the time you need to fall apart and then gather the pieces to put yourself back together.

I do hope that you can maintain your pregnancy. Having a child to care for forces you to carry on, even when you don't want to.

And God does not hate you. Why he is giving you so much grief is beyond me but someday your anger towards him will subside as well.

You WILL find joy again some day Carleen, just hang on!

Karen

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Carleen, You know how much I respect you for what you have been through. TONS Of Respect. I know it is hard enough to lose one person you love but to lose two people is 4 times as devastating. God does love you. You willalways have many wonderful memories of Keithand Of time spent with your Aunt as well. People have been crowding you and that stresses you out. You have to make time for Yourself, even if it makes people angry or whatever. Losing Keith was your Tragedy and you are the one who sat withh him during the good times and the bad times. Have you had a 1 on 1 discussion with him?Try this when you read this message. Tonite go outside under the stars and the moon and talk to him. Look to the Heavens and talk shout scream curse whatever you want to do. I did this for every night after Deb passed for a week. I put all my emotions and Fears and Concerns out there for her to hear. I unloaded everything including the Coulda Woulda Shouldas. I threw Eggs Bottle Planters Plastic Lawn Furniture anything I could physically lift to throw basically. I inloaded a whole bunch of things. You know what; It helped Me. I go every Sunday and Place Flowers and I still talk to her every night before bed and I tell her I love Her and Will see Her 1 day in the future. I called her Honey Bunny Since the Day we met and I now have a Bunny that comes every 2 or 3 days. Her hummingbirds Came back. The flowers Are blooming in abundance this year. these are all signs I think. try talking to Keith like I said. It may help things. God Loves you Some times we do not know why or How But he does love us. Try this link also It may help a little

http://beyondindigo.com/

I do hope this helps you some. Remember the good ti,es like the last Ball game you Two went to together. Saying prayers to my Guardian angel Deb and god for you.

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(((Carleen))) I only wish I had words that would somehow magically take away all the pain. Surviving the funeral and the immense feelings of the finality of everything shows your inner strength. Strength you may not know or feel is there but IT IS!! Trust and have faith in it and it will see you through minute by minute, day by day, week by week.

Keith is with you Carleen, and his and God's love will help you to find your way out of this darkness!

I cannot say that I know your pain, for alas I do not...but I can and do understand the pain of losing just a person how was such HUGE part of your life. Please keep talking to anyone who will listen (even if it is full of anger and tears), continue to post here (we are all here for you!) and please PM me if you need to talk to someone who has also experienced a recent loss.

God love you Carleen - and so does Keith ...they both are with you and will be there to sustain you through this grief.

Praying for peace and comfort to fill your heart!

Cindy

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Carleen,

I don't know what to say to you, but I feel that I have to say whatever comes to my mind. I too am very mad at God..my faith is aweful, I do know about tragedy after tragedy happening, I've been living in it for about 4 years. You have all the right in the world to feel the way that you do, I think that the hardest part is that you feel all alone. You my be physically alone right at this moment, but please know that you have many people right here! that are here for you, maybe we can't come over in person, but we can be here emotionally, compassionately whenever you need to.

I don't know the "whys" I wish I did, too much pain, I too get so angry. I think about what I will do when my husband is no longer around. I got a big reality call yesterday when my husband was starting a new chemo, 3rd time, and I saw his new onc. treatment papers, he had him "classified" as "pallative", I know what that means, it is the very last word I want to hear right now. I want to cry, I try to do that in private, or I come here, this place is like my own sanctuary.

Yes, as time goes on people do slowly disappear, back off, hell I've seen it now and my husband is still here. I know you know that whatever way you try to prepare yourself, it doesn't take away the pain.

I know life is aweful for you, but the awefullness will lessen, you will learn to cope, you never forget, and it's ok. By reading your posts and chats online w/you, I know, we know that you had a wonderful marriage with Keith, embrace that, because I always haven't had the best marriage and a few times I thought it was over. But know I'm trying to have a good, positive marriage w/ my husband because I rather have a short time of wonderful memories and feelings vs. years of misery and anger. I pray that your pregnancy is ok, I really do. When you said God has his reasons, I can't understand why some of the reasons would hurt people. I thought God was suppose to be all loving? I see good people like you suffering, struggling and then there are cruel, aweful people and nothing happens to them, they seem to slide by life, like teflon, nothing touches them.

In terms of your finances, I too understand the dire situation you're in. Today I got a call from a bill collector and boy did I have it out w/her. I've been making payments every month, but these people want to suck the last penny out of me. I know that you are entitled to Keiths' Social Security benefits, and you can make arrangements for the payments for the funeral, hey my family is still paying for my dads' funeral and he died almost a year ago.

But Carleen, please please know that I will be there for you, I want you to know that, if I can't be right away, I will be, that's who I am, I just can't help it.

Grace

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Carleen:

I read your post and I know from hearing your voice the other day how much pain you are in. I can't imagine what you are feeling or going through. As I said it does get easier but then again it was my father that passed away and not my husband. I am able to go to another house and not see every thing that reminds me of him on a daily basis. Even though it has only been a few weeks for me also, I hear a song, or watch a video or look at a picture and think of him and that makes me cry every time.

It's weird how things work. Right after my dad died a cousin of my moms passed away the same day as your Aunt of cancer as well in Madison. I had only met her once and my mom couldn't bring herself to go the funeral.

At our funeral the same thing happend, they put us right by the door and my brother felt very uncomfortable with that so we moved toward another area of the temple. Everyone would hug or say something and I didn't even know most of these people. There were also over 100 people there. Then we all had to walk in the temple in front of everyone watching us which was exactly like you said.

I am here for you if you want to talk or just give each other support.

Robyn

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Carleen, I am so so sorry. :cry:

I am primarily a lurker here but have been following your story. Please take care. Many here care about you. Here is a link you may want to visit.

I just checked - the site is down for maintanence but I assume it will be back up later today.

Sunday PM - the site is back up !!!!!

http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php

-Jill

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Dear Carleen

I honestly do not even know where to begin trying to address your post. I know that words are simply words, and that no matter how eloquently they may be written or how much thought goes into putting them together, they cannot begin to take away the pain and heartache.

I try very hard not to say "I know or understand how you feel" because no matter who we are or who we have lost, we all experience and process grief differently. I know the pain I still have to this day, almost 7 months after losing Brad. I know it did get easier for me, and I pray that it will get easier for you, as well. I can attest to the feelings of only wanting to be with him, I had all of those thoughts and then some. I look back on that now and I shudder to think of how absolutely unbearable that time was, but it DID pass. It was a stage. It is a normal and natural part of the loss and grieving process, I believe. I am very grateful that I am here today to at least try and help you through this in whatever way I can, if I can.

When I began posting here, I was not sure that I was doing the right thing. I wondered if I would be accepted I suppose and I was so amazed at the outpouring of compassion and caring. You were among the first people that replied to my post and truly made me feel welcome. I began to follow your "story" from that point on and I can remember sitting here thinking what an amazing woman you are, marveling at your strength and perseverance. I continue to think of you in those terms as you are honestly an inspiration to me. I wish I'd had half of your courage and stamina when I was faced with having to walk down this road with Brad's diagnosis.

My grandmother used to tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle. I used to wonder about that, but I believe she was very right about that. I cannot explain to you why Keith was taken from this earth so young and in such a horrible manner. I cannot answer the question of why your aunt was also taken, so young and to this horrible disease. I can tell you that you will make it through this, somehow. You will find the strength to pull yourself up, dust yourself off and with Keith's love in your heart and soul, you will eventually be OK. It will not be easy but it will happen.

Finally Carleen, Please, please take good care of yourself for the sake of the baby. I am praying so very hard for you to have a successful pregnancy and that you will be able to have that child to carry on yours and Keith's love. I know that no child will ever be more loved or cherished....

I am sending you much, much love and prayers for strength and courage and peace.

Love,

Chris

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Carleen, I wish I had answers for you. Your pain is just something no one should ever go through. Also your body is ramped up on hormones, so that is adding even extra stress on your body.

Sending my love. I wish I could do something (I know you have heard that so many times and are probably sick of that line too).

Try to take care of yourself.

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Carleen,

Telling you that it has been a little over 4 months for me and I am totally lost and hurting won't help, but it's very true. I loved my husband for 36 years and I was blessed with that time. I can only try to imagine how you must feel cheated to have lost Keith so young. Carleen, people tell me that there is a reason for the way things happen and we may not know at the moment what it is, but we will know. The only thing that is getting me through this is to believe that there is a God and he is a loving God. We need him Carleen and I believe with all my heart that Keith and Mike are with him. They are no longer suffering and we should feel happy for them. We are left behind to pick up the pieces and I think we should all pool our knowledge, our strength and hearts to help each other through this. We have a lot of widows and widowers on this site who have to learn how to function as one . I just know there are a lot of loving arms and lots of support for all of us. I , like you still need practical information as to how I am going to function financially. I haven't worked for 36 years and now I find myself with no income. No, we won't get our husband's social security, not now. So many things causing panic and anxiety , but we will make it Colleen, I know we will. I will be praying for you. PM me if you would just like to write or if you have a question I can try to answer from the knowledge I have gained so far. This is so new for you. Allow yourself to grieve. God be with you.

Love,

Sue

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Carleen,

I can only tell you about my experience in hopes that you can somewhat relate or that it may help you at some point in your journey.

When my hubby Chad died, he was only 29 and me 27 and I think one of the overwhelming feeligs I had was "This isn't fair." So many people get to spend years and years together, are able to realize their dreams, have children and grandchildren. I was robbed and so was Chad. I was angry, sickened, and very very scared. I had been with Chad for 7 years and he was my everything, my rock, my true friend who I knew had my back no matter what. And then he was gone.

I had Graden who was 9 months old at the time and the next overhwhelming feeling I had was fear. After I woke from the shock fog, I was so scared. What in the heck was the rest of my life going to be? It was a scary time. I never went back to the house we lived in. My family packed up our things and put them in storage for me. Graden and I stayed with my parents for about a month until a friend of mine came to me and asked if I'd like an apartment at a place called the Madonna House. It is a private home that has 4 apartments for single moms. The rent was based on your income and there was support. I checked it out and I accepted the offer. Here I was a 27 year old woman with a baby who was living with teenagers with totally different circumstances than me. I accepted the place bc it was cheap and very nice, but I will tell you that I left that place with a whole new perspective. They really did teach me some skills of how be a single mom. I was constantly supported emotionally. I had gone back to work about 2 months after Chad died, but then after being at work for about 2 weeks, I broke down again and found myself only able to be at my job on a very sporadic schedule. My job did not like it I'm sure but they supported me and kept me employed. There was someone at the house to help with me devise a financial plan for when we went back into the real world. I made myself susceptible to a totally different world and came out of it with a a whole new perspective.

We left the Madonna House after 4 months and moved in with Chad's dad and stepmom. Chad's dad made a commitment to Chad after he died that he would always take care of us and so he begged us to move into their home. Things worked out well for a while until some people in our family started causing trouble about the appropriateness of us living there. We were just trying to survive!! We were supporting each other and Graden definitely made it easier on grandpa and grandma. I had a visit from Chad while we were there and it scared the holy hell out of me for a while, but I have moved on from the fear finally. Now I feel blessed to have had his visit.

I had been in counseling this whole entire time and I can remember one of my last visits with the psychiatrist. It was a few days before Easter and he stared right into my eyes and said "Lori, I want you to go make your some an Easter basket and buy that home that you are talking about. Go, do it-now!"

I followed his advice and bought my first home in July, just 8 months after Chad died. Chad's best friend came and painted a scene on Graden's bedroom wall that was totally Chad, fishing boat, stream, mountains, even a soaring eagle. I was a single mom in a neighborhood of families. Was it different? Yes Were we accepted? Overwhelmingly so

Chad has and will never be forgotten. Graden knows his dad is in heaven. He has a picture of him in his room and my son Liam also talks frequently about "Graden's dad in heaven". Chad is still in our hearts and will always be. As for Graden and I, we are fine. Do I wish Graden remembered his dad in the living? Sure. Are we OK? Absoutely.

I want you to see Carleen that my life has not been normal or conventional, yet I have come out of all of this a much stronger person. There will be people and things along the way that are there for a reason-be open to to any love, support and hugs that come your way. This is how you'll get through this. Is it normal? No. Is it possible? Definitely.

I send my love to you. love love love

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Carleen, I wish I had some specific answers for you, but I don't. What I have come to realize is that the caregivers, the ones who have to watch the suffering and deal with the loss, often have it harder than the patients. Keith is gone, his suffering has ended, but your's continues. It is tragic and unfair. And ultimately, it is part of life.

I think I do know how you feel about God "hating" you. I have had and continue to have those same thoughts, thinking "what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?" But we have to try to not think that way. YOU did nothing wrong and you don't deserve this suffering.

I haven't lost anyone very close to me, except my grandfather who was old and had lived a full life. His passing was sad, but not tragic. Keith, on the other hand, was so young and in the prime of his life and, by all accounts, was a wonderful man and human being. Tragic, unfair. However, as with many losses in life, time will slowly heal you I think.

In the meantime, hang in there. Please continue to visit here and share your feelings with us. You were among the first to welcome me and give me advice and comfort, and I was moved by your (and keith's) story. Don't be afraid to ask your friends and family for help with whatever you need--most likely they really want to help. Some people are at a loss in these situations, and don't know what to do, or are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing--so just be open and ask.

Best wishes to you Carleen and the new small life inside you.

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Dear Carleen,

There aren't any words to take away your pain. There really aren't. Actually, I think I've learned that the only thing that does help is knowing that there are so many here that have made it through it, and people like me who are still working on making it through it. While knowing this won't take away your pain, I think it's what you need to hang on to. We made it or are making it, and you can, too. You will make it!

That doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell for a long time. You have to just let it hurt, let it out and keep talking about it until it goes away. If you need to kick things or break something, then kick things and break something (but, don't hurt yourself). I'm not a kicker or a breaker, but I sure do know how to cry and talk. Just find what works for you and do that.

I'm heartbroken that you have had to join this forum, Carleen. I prayed that it would never happen. None of us wanted to be here, but now that we are, we're stuck together like glue. There truly is strength in numbers. Now that you're here, I hope you'll stay and talk to us. We're good listeners.

Love and hugs, honey!

Peggy

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Carleen,

A great deal of the feelings that you described I have seen and heard my mom go through and say. I am glad that you have chosen to post here with many wonderful people who have gone through what you are dealing with now in some form.

My prayers are with you.

Please know that there are so many people who love and care about you.

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