Carleen Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 It's been a little over a week now since I lost my Keith. I did all those things I was supposed to do, and it was terrible. Keith was so loved by so many that there were over 200 people who attended his wake and funeral, 70+ cars in his procession. He really was a great man and wonderful friend to so many. I arrived early for a private goodbye, and it made me ill to see him. It didn't look anything like the man I loved and adored for the past 12 years. All that make-up, the matted down eyelashes and eyebrows, the fake tan it was nauseating. Once people started coming, everyone kept directing me to sit on a couch right in front of the casket. It hurt so much seeing him there knowing he wasn't really there. Everytime I tried to get up, even to go to the bathroom someone from my family or his family would pounce and remind me that so and so or this person and that person really wanted to talk to me so I needed to go up front. Hell, can't a girl Pee. If they wanted to see me, why don't they come find me. It was like I was the 3 headed pig at the county fair freak show. "Hear Ye Hear Ye Come one Come all, see the amazing grieving widow sitting at her dead husband's side. Squeeze her, pull her hair slobber on her face... you won't believe your eyes. See her pain marvel at her agony. Isn't it amazing." Most of these people I didn't even know and they didn't even bother to introduce themselves like I'm suppose to remember some distant relative I met once 10 years ago. It was the longest evening of my life. The funeral had a beautiful service, but all I could think and feel was that this was finality. No longer would I ever see his face, or get a chance to memorize every freckle and every laugh line. After all the funeral events ended things started to slow down. visitors became more spaced out until this moment where I am alone for the first time. Wednesday I found out I am pregnant. Although I want more than anything in the world to have some piece of him to have and hold, I find I can't feel any joy. I feel unable to hope for anything. I can't pray for anything because I just don't trust it anymore. And it appears I feel these things for good reason. As of Friday my hormones started dropping and the doctors think I may be losing the baby. I'll find out more on Tuesday whether I am losing it for sure, or if there were 2 and I'm just losing 1. I just can't think optimistically anymore. I think God hates me. I think he is too cruel to ever let me be happy again at any point in my life. I just feel certain I will never have joy again, there is just too much pain. I've already had to go to another hospital and funeral since my husband's. My aunt died of cancer the day of Keith's funeral. Her funeral was yesterday. It was like having salt rubbed in my already festering wounds. How much does God expect me to take? I only made it through the mass and couldn't bear to do the rest of the ceremonies. I almost felt guilty because I couldn't really feel grief for my aunt. I was just in too much pain from my loss to feel any more pain for her. I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what I am doing, how I am going to make it without him. I am so scared, I am so alone, I am so unhappy. I don't think I can survive this. My heart hurts so much, my mind has turned to mush and I just can't even take care of myself in the smallest ways. Financially I am destitute and can't even begin to image how I'm going to pay the funeral bill when it comes. But I can't seem to care. I really don't care what happens to me. I really wish I would just drop dead from my broken heart and then I could be with Keith again. Someone please tell me what to do. What do I do with myself now? How do you get through this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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