At a loss

[rvillella]

I've noticed that lately I have been really going through an emotional roller coaster. It seems that I can't keep them under control. My wife has noticed it also. The kicker was when I came to work one morning last month and almost lost it. I had this urge to just kick the living s*&t out of everyone in the office. Called the wife and she talked me out of it. But things like this scare me. I've always been pretty laid back and it takes alot to set me off. Now it seems anything can do it. Since the surgery and the tx's I just have this feeling that "Is this it?". Sometimes I wonder if I really went through all this when I see what some of you all have gone through. I know that when I get close to the time to see the ONC or the Surgeons I get really nervous. But I just don't understand the emotions.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am currently trying to decide on whether or not to see a counselor.

Ralph

[Donna G]

You are normal! All of us get overwelmed. I took antidepressents, saw a counselor and looked for a support group ( also prayed a lot!) It is a big stressor. Donna G

[mamasbabygirl]

Stress makes me extremely irritable too. Hang in there!!

[Linda661]

Ralph:

It might be possible that some of your meds. are causing or making your emotions more heightened, especially if you are still on steroids. Steroids are notorious for anger-type side-effects -- have there been any changes to those in your meds. mix?

No matter what, this dx is stressful -- counseling support certainly can help no matter what. But, I'd also check out the meds. issue with your doctor.

Linda

[cindi o'h]

When I am scared and not aware of it, it usually comes out "sideways" in anger/lashing out as you describe. It alarms even me, like you say. When I notice it, (if I am lucky enough to notice it) I try to get by myself and dig deep to see what is really bothering me. What is the REAL issue? (It always has to do with ME and not someone else!)

This is not easy...dammit.. I guess there were no promises, huh?

(I swear at the TV commercials too!)

You are not alone!

Cindi o'h

[kimblanchard]

Welcome to the club, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Each of us handles it in our own way.

It is OK to let your emotions out in a controlled manner as best you can. Go to the rest room or your car and yell, scream or cry.....just let it out. The hard part is not taking your emotions out on others.

Seeing a counselor may be the answer if it continues to build and is beyond your control.

I find that the One Day at a Time philosophy works for me. I don't let emotions build....I handle them quickly and don't think about what happened yesterday or might happen tomorrow.

And, we ALL get scared just prior to our next ONC visit!!!!!!

[Connie B]

I agree with it could be some of your meds if your on anything. I also agree that YOUR NORMAL! This hits all of us that are traveling this journey. I can remember I just wanted to cry at the drop of a pin for a few months. That was during and after my chemo. I was be sad one minute and ready to get the snot out of someone the next.

I didn't do antidepressents, but I SURE DO RECOMMEND THEN!! Also you might want to go read some of the posts in the LC SURVIVOR FORUM. I have started posts about Venting, Complaining. And there's another one about Fear!

[chloesmom]

I totally understand this, but I don't know what to do to make it better. If I did, I'd help myself. When I get close to my appt with my surgeon, I can't even go to work for about two weeks beforehand, because I'm existing on the edge of losing it at any second. Anger, temper tantrums, crying at the drop of a hat, you name it.

Nancy B told me one time that she feels there's a lot of fear and anger associated with this disease we have. I feel afraid a lot for obvious reasons, and I'm angry that I have this big storm cloud over my head all the time that I have to live wondering what the heck is going to happen. I get angry that I have to spend my time going to doctors and being afraid.

And, most of the time, I'm very grateful that I feel well, have a somewhat normal lifestyle, and a good prognosis. But, the fear and anger is there too.

I don't have any answers for you. I just want you to know that you're not alone in having the feelings that you're experiencing. This experience changes people in a lot of ways.

Cindy

[ztweb]

Ralph,

I am with you on the emotional rollercoaster. It seems like everything is cancer, cancer in the morning, cancer when we eat, cancer when we play, go to bed, everything, and then there is the...."Did it work?" issue with the treatments. Urgh!!!

I can honestly say that I have no idea what my dad is feeling. He has been fairly quiet about things, but I also know that before he got onto antidepressants he was a zombie. He would sit in the chair and be able to tell us every little thing about the birds...I had a hard time believing that he really cared too much about the birds, but was just sitting there thinking.

Someone on the board suggested we ask the doc about antidepressants, both to help him through this and to help him sleep. I am a firm believer in them now. My dad is a different person. His attitude is better, and he is more like his old self. He still knows about the birds, but he also has interest in other things. He isn't "down and out" like he was.

Anyway...this is just my 2 cents. Don on this site said one time, "Every time your dad looks at you or your kids, or every time he goes to bed, he thinks about cancer. He thinks about what he may or may not miss. You cannot even begin to imagine how that feels." I believe it now.

Good luck Ralph. I pray that you find some peace.

God bless,

Jen

[kamataca]

Hey Ralph!

I noticed something important in your story. You recognized that you needed some help that day and called your wife. Sounds like you were thinking clearly enough to do that! You are coping better than you think.

I've always been a big fan of counseling, talking, and praying. Unfortunately the antidepressants made Mom very sick (tied to her kidney issues, we believe), or she would be on them. She has recognized the same symptoms you describe. She has lashed out at family members. Hopefully the people areound you are strong enough / smart enough to recognize what is going on and give you a break.

Give yourself a break, too. This is some pretty heavy stuff you're carrying around. Good thing you aren't alone in all of this, huh?

Kelly

[marym]

We all have the days that we just don't know if we can cope one minute longer. But then there's tomorrow.

I would be certain that none of the medicines could cause aggressiveness. Then figure out what is your best support for times that may get out of control.

Good luck

Mary

[Don M]

Hi Ralph: my first thought is that you had a reaction from steroids, but there is nothing in your profle about using them. You could try antidepressants and/or counseling. I have used lexapro in the past and it helped me.

I keep a journal. Although I may appear level headed on my posts on line, in my journal I use multi expletives, a lot of upper case letters and exclamation points when I descibe my feelings about my cancer and how it has changed my life. They are just brief entries that pop up every now and then. I write about other stuff too, mostly just my day's routine.

I am glad you did not beat the s--t out of those people.

don M

[Chanwit]

Hi Ralph,

I take care of my wife Lisa with her NSCLC cure.

People send me things that they think would help us. The latest is from the Philadelphia Inquirer Monday July 3, 2006. The article is about an Onc doctor there that takes off his white coat and stethoscope and glasses and Fifteen minutes later, the Reiki session was over. In other words he combinds the two medicines. I can post or send the article if you can't find it.

About the cough, my wife has developed the same thing. Maybe we can get closure with this. Her Onc just says to suppress it with Hydrocodone which contains codeine since she uses it for pain management anyway. When it persisted he added 200mg of Benzonatate (those little gold gel pills). This does suppress the cough so she we can all have some peace.

Her throat gets raw from the Dry cough. I give her the OTC throat spray. I also give her Aloe juice to drink which seems to deaden the back of the throat. The Onc just says that there is a lot of irritation going on in the lung which triggers the reaction to cough. Her cough started when she had the Pleurodesis. The lung becomes rigid and scars and more. I've read that some of this can be reversed by taking antioxidants and so we are doing that with several products. She's still trying to back out of the heavy doses of steroids she got while doing radiation which still leaves her in a nervous state with hot flashes. She is using Predisone 5mg/day to come down off the super steroid Dexamethasone 4mg 3tid plus the IV stuff she got while in hospital. The doctor never uses the term Radiation Pneumonitis but I think she got the high pulse rate from that and the cough. The doc added Metoprolol 25mg 2TID Lopressop Beta Blocker to try and control the pulse rate which always seems to be at least 100 at rest but the least effort sends it to 120 or 130. I haven't seen that it helps but the Doc says that it's not that high. Mine is at 65 - 70. Maybe hers was always higher, I never need to know until she was DX. I'll follow up if there is more info. Have a great week.

Chuck

[jennifer19890]

My dad had his first appt. with a counselor 3 weeks ago. He was opposed at first but now looks forward to her visits.

She has worked on giving him coping mechanisms including meditation. When he has an appt. with the doctors,chemo. or anything else stressful we usually sit silently so he has time to meditate to calm his mind and body. You can actually see the stress leaving him.

I called the Hospice therapy department. The counselor comes out free of charge. We have not signed up for Hospice but this is a service they offer people with life threatening illnesses.

I hope this helps in some way.

Jennifer

[Don Wood]

Ralph, yes, you are normal -- all of us survivors and caregivers go through extreme emotions. That is why it is so important to talk it out as you did with your wife instead of pounding someone.

You need to regularly talk with a counselor, a good friend or someone you trust who is willing to be your sounding board. My wife and I both had lay people from our church assigned to do that for us, and Lucie still has hers. If Lucie gets critical again, I will pick up another one. I wish you well. Don

[daggiesmom]

You are by no way, alone, in feeling anger about your situation. Many, many people here have felt as you feel. It just feels so unfair, so strange, so WRONG, that this has happenend to you. We all feel that way, TOO! Stress is a BIG part of this disease. Please take whatever steps you need to relieve that stress, counseling, praying, meditation, so that you don't take it out at the wrong person at the wrong time. That will only make life worse for you, not better.

I remember feeling that I wanted to hit someone, too, and Thank God, I didn't. It would not have been good! If you're angry, Please come visit US! We're here for you always!

Joanie ((()))

[ma's kid]

Ralph,

Nothing to add to the wonderful responses you have received..don't you just love these people!!!!!!!

I will light a candle for calmness.

PS..might sound lame but playing Nintendo DS and beating the h*ll out of the monsters can be a stress reliever for me. Too bad that I pound the buttons so hard that I've almost worn it out!

Blessings,

Libby

[Debi]

Ralph,

I just wanted to say that I'm a big fan of counseling and don't think that it ever hurt anyone. This isn't an easy thing to live, just with the fear and knowing that we had/have cancer. When you add on new limitations and all that, our body feels different and we have to adapt to alot of newness, both psychologically and physically. Why not get any help you can along the way?

Just my attempt of armchair psychology , looking at your signature, I see that your coming up on a year in August since your surgery. Maybe the arrival of this "one year" anniversary date is in the back of your mind and triggering your emotions more than normal. Having been diagnosed with lung cancer when you were just recently married, and supposed to be 'happy', couldn't have been an easy deal to accept. You may be feeling alot of stuff now, that you haven't let yourself before.

Hang in there, keep talkign to your wife, us and anyone else you find along the way..

[rvillella]

Thank You all for the replies. I know deep down that I am normal but sometimes I just wonder if I'm losing my mind. Of Course that assumes I have one to begin with. As for the Steroids I have been off them for a couple of months now and everytime they ask me if I need to be back on them I tell them no. I gained close to 25 pounds in less than 3 months putting me back at my pre-cancer weight. The extra stress it put on my heart and lung didn't help. I have extreme bouts of Chemo Brain which I am hoping will go away. It just seems to me that when I start feeling better, or am getting back to where I can function close to normal for me something else happens to knock me back on my a**. I know it's part of the process but I guess I'm just getting tired of it now.

Ralph