ztweb Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 So, Dad was diagnosed in March of 2006, and we have ridden the rollercoaster this entire time. It has truely been a ride I wouldn't want to repeat, and wouldn't wish on any other soul. We have been through the ups (tests show a type of cancer that responds to chemo, no mets, phlem going away, a night without throwing up, etc., etc.) and we have been through the downs (large mass, test after test, nausea, cough, weakness, emotionally strained, superior vena cava syndrome, possible dimensia, etc., etc.). Our story is not unlike many out there. However, it has been most recently, upon receiving the good news of remission, that I, and more-so my mom had what I like to describe as a real slap in the face. Starting on that dreadful day in March, where we sat in oncology waiting rooms, piecing together puzzles as a mere effort to make any other thing be in our mind besides CANCER, we now live a cancer life. Cancer will always have some form of control over our lives. Of course it sounds dreadful to live between checkups, but in some regards it feels like that is what we do. Our oncologist said it the best, "You have to learn how to live with the new normal." We tried at first to put on the rosy glasses, and wait for the day when the doc would make it all go away, and we wouldn't have to think about it anymore. That was a figment of our imagination however. We have to think about it in order to not think about it....does that make sense? Now, I dont' want to sound grim, and I don't want to sound like we are giving in to this bast*rd of a disease, but I am willing to admit how very, very niave I was about this disease. I am so thankful to have you all here to be my "cancer family" as I hate the thought of living every day with this odd control and no way to take that control back for myself. I know I am rambling...and for that I apologize. I hate to admit that in the wake of our happiness, in the shadow of our excitement, there is this slight aching feeling for it to be the old way, the way it was. It never will be. Thanks for letting me vent. I try not to do that too much, but sometimes my mind wanders out of control. Control, control....maybe I just have an issue with control!! God bless, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, That was so articulate. And so true. I think once cancer hits our family the old normal is gone for good. And it is hard *not* to ache for the old normal. I'm sorry for this slap in the face. I wish cancer didn't have to happen to anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, I get it. You said it all so well and you are so "normal" in your thoughts and feelings. I hate this disease. Take care and God bless you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyD Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, I think you expressed the feelings all of us have at one time or another, or maybe even all the time. Everyone tells me this is the "new normal", and I get that. But I too wish for my "old normal" back, when every moment isn't somehow overshadowed by cancer. I thank god for the good people on this board every day, without them .... I can't even imagine. Tracy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Thanks Jen. You know I miss the old and the new normal everyday. Wish i could have either one or the other because this one sucks big time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, we ALL want our old lives back. I know I MOURN the loss of my old life. I understand the 'new normal' and that this is the way it will be forever...............God willing. I try to not allow cancer to rob any more of me than it has........but it has taken my naievity. I no longer can just believe that everything will be okay, ya know? So somehow we must come to terms with the fact that this is the way it is NOW and go on from there. Difficult some days...........you bet! Does it beat the alternative..............you bet! Is it fair that things aren't the way they were before.............no way! But this is the way it is. Hopefully we can all find our own peace in that. Keep your chin up. You won't feel this way EVERY day, Jen. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchurchi Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, You have unfortunatley for all of us, hit the nail on the head. I talk about mine and Alan's "New Normal" all the time and how our life is lived in 3 month intervals. the 3 months betweeen his scans and the week of HE that follows waiting for results. After his last scan it was almost 4 weeks of HE as we lived through scans and a biopsy. However, after 18 months we have falled into a rythym that is comfortable for the 2 of us. Yes, like you, I always seem to be looking over my shoulder to see how close the monster is to coming back into our lives, but then again that is part of my "new normal" Continued prayers for you and your family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie22 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I too like Randy, wish I could have the "new" normal back. I do not want her to suffer, but I miss her more and more with each day. I miss taking her to chemo and visiting with everyone there. She was so proud of how well she was doing. Oh and Jen, I will take your prayers anytime (referring to the other post). Hugs and Prayers Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theresa Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen I couldn't of said it any better myself. This is our norm now. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about the word cancer. It is something that I and my whole family has to deal with on a a daily basis. Even when my mom makes it to the 5 year mark. It will always be in the back of my mind, put on the back burner for simmering. The test will never go away the will always come every 6 months or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegirl Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, I hear what you are saying and I completely understand. I think under the circumstances you have gotten the best news you can get. And it feels sad that you cannot fully celebrate and rejoice in the good news. And reality is sinking in. But don't let this dark cloud linger for long. You DO have reason to celebrate. Dad is beating this damn disease. The war may not be over but please be happy for this victory. As Randy and Connie have stated, many people on this board would be happy to have the new normal back. What if last March instead of the cancer diagnosis your dad had a heart attack and died? Wouldn't you rather have this new normal? Yes, this new normal sucks! But it could be so much worse. HUGS! Hang in there! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 While waiting for a PET scan, I overheard another patient (a 10-year breast cancer survivor) tell the technician "Once you're told you have cancer, you're married to it and, unfortunately, you can't divorce it." Sad, but true. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindy0519 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I found this quote sometime ago and thought it quite appropriate: "An individual does not get cancer, a family does." ~Terry Tempest Williams I thought it was VERY appropriate and used it as an opening on a website that I created and we used to keep each other up to date during Dad's journey. I often remind Dad that he was not alone in his battle -- we (his entire family) were very much along for the ride. He was in the driver's seat but we were very much right by his side, no matter what! I too long for the days prior to his diagnosis - the old saying "ignorance is bliss" truly applies in many, many ways I suppose.....(sigh). I think the key to success and not letting cancer control your life is definately learning to "live with it". Its a hard battle - but one we all must conquer! God Bless, Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbiethewife Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I think we all share your pain. That slap really stings. On Monday of this week I was sobbing because I hate the new routine so much and I realized that there was not a thing I could ever do to get the old back. Hang in there. ((Hugs)). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 What an awesoem quoute Cindi, and so how true!! The new normal sucks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jduenges Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I know what you mean, but boy I sure do miss my Dad an awful lot. What I what give to see his beautiful blue eyes or hear his voice again. Take one day at a time. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 So, so true! I hate the roller coaster! I hate the uncertaintyI I hate that I have to accept this as my new normal or go completely nuts in an insane kind of way. Seriously! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mitzu Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Jen, You're right, the "new normal" sucks, and it seems like everyone agrees. However, maybe we can all learn from these experiences. We can learn how to be more compassionate, how to cherish every moment with our loved ones, how to understand others, how to be supportive. The truth is, one never understands what it's like until they walk in your shoes. And maybe God choses us to walk in these shoes for a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted August 9, 2006 Author Share Posted August 9, 2006 Thank you all for your words. I cannot tell you what they mean to me. I hate riding the teeter-totter, but knowing I am not bobbling up and down by myself has certainly helped! Keep the posts coming...they give me peace! God bless, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 A good friend, who had colon cancer that metastasized to her liver, and was given less than a year to live (she is now more than 25 year survivor!) once said, "Once you have been diagnosed with cancer, you are on an island you can never leave." Of course, you have lots of company on that island. But the quickest way to test that statement is to talk with someone who has never had cancer or never personally touched by it. You feel very fast that you ARE on the island to stay and that person can come and go as they please. It IS a matter of accepting the new norm or not. One chooses to be happy or not. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 (((Jen))), I think most of us understand , perfectly . It's good to just vent and get those feelings out . You aren't alone in feeling them. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rogfam Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Jen, reading what you wrote, felt like it was coming from me, outa my head, just like everyone else here. It's crazy, isn't it? To think it'll never be the same again. I remember six years ago, when mom was diagnosed, I'd go to sleep thinking of my mom and this monster, wake up and feel normal for about three seconds, only to actually almost feel a literal slap in the face when it all came flooding back to me. What an ill terrible feeling it was. Katie, everything you said too, so very true. Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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