down day, getting sadder

[shelliemacs]

Myfather isn't well.

He is wheezing now and it gets worse every day. He is in a world that he isn't letting anyone into. His depression is worse. he is taking his paxil but the cancer/loss of mom/no will to live combo is sucking him in.

I am sliding right back down with him. I fealt this coming on about 3 days ago when while flipping throught the TV I say QVC had mothers day gifts special on. That started it. Now he seems like he is sliding every day and its making it worse.

I know whats coming, how it will be, how I will feel. There are times I think it will be better when its over so there will be no more worry, or fear, but thats only on my part. I know no-one wants to die, i know dad doesn't want to die, he just doesn't want to have cancer either.

I know how everyone who looses someone on this site feels, i went through it many times in the last 8 months. but its like all of a sudden I dont think I will be able to breathe again if he dies. I fealt this way with mom too but having to take care of dad forced me to put her death away for a while. now its going to come crashing down on my and i am afraid i will drown from the grief.

sorry..just needed to vent a little.

[Donna G]

Shelly, I am so sorry that it is so hard for you . He is still with you and if possible think of something you could do today to let him know you love him. Try not to spend too much time worrying what will happen and loosing today that he is with you. Prayers going up for you. Donna G

[MO_Sugar]

(((((Shelly))))),

I am sorry you are feeling so down right now. It is so hard when you have lost 1 parent to contemplate losing the second. I lost both of mine within 6 months of each other and to be honest, it sucks! You CAN make it through however. Spend as much quality time with your Dad as you can and try to put the cancer as far back in your mind as you can. Worry does not solve anything but it DOES take time away that could be used in better ways!

Prayers for strength headed your way.

God Bless,

MO

[mhutch1366]

Shelly,

I think you might investigate antidepression meds and/or counseling yourself -- especially counseling. You've been through the mill, hon, and the anticipation is making you crazy and ill at heart.

Be kind to yourself, and try to see some small positive thing in the world every day -- a bud, a blossom, a child's smile.

Depression is the worst sort of black hole to fall into....

I care about you too much to see you just slide into that pit....

PM me if you like, but please talk to someone about this....

Prayers...

XOXOXOOXOX

MaryAnn

[Ry]

If you weren't having a hard time with this there would be something wrong with you. It's hard enough for someone to lose one loved one, yet alone two. I can't imagine how strong you must be to have come this far. You do need to talk to someone, it will help. Doesn't have to be a professional, can be a close friend, or even someone here. I know I always feel like a weight has been lifted after I talk my feelings out.

Also, Xanax really helps relieve the pressure for me. If you don't have medication check into it.

Hang in there Shelly. It's gonna be hard, but you can do it.

Rochelle

[Don Wood]

It is very hard to face the prospect of losing both parents in a year's time. Both of my parents died within 11 months of each other (Dad from heart attack and then Mom with peritonitis after gall bladder surgery). Even so, we CAN go on. And I think your parents would want you to go on. Hang in there. Don

[Guest bessb]

Shelly

My friend you have been through so much this past year and you have endured it all somehow. YOu are really a strong woman and we all admire your strength and courage. God will see you through this too with a little help from your friends and a lot of prayers. Easy for me to say but try to enjoy each day you have left with your dad to put in your bank of memories. Also try and get all the chemical help you can from your doctor, anything that will ease your pain is worth trying. Please come and vent all you need to, thats what we are here for. You have a lot of friends who love you and think of you every day.

Bess B

[natalie]

Shelly,

You are such a strong and wonderful daughter. I can only think that anything that comes your way in the futher future won't be as stressful or upsetting because you've been through so much. I'm so sorry Shelly. I read a magazine last night and the focus was on Mother's Day. It really hit my gut. Shelly, you are very much in my thoughts. I admire your strength and courage...even though you have no choice in the matter (that's the hardest part for me in dealing with this..is that it is what it is and you can't make the cancer just go away and fix it like you can with daily problems), you handle yourself with such grace and dignity. Your mom would be proud as is your Dad. Your Dad may not be as scared knowing that your mom is up in heaven waiting for him. Hopefully there is a huge comfort for him in that. Keep us posted and vent here anytime.

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

Sorry you are having a rough time. As others have said, you are an incredibly strong lady! I can't imagine what you are going through.......facing the loss of both parents within a year. I hope you are feeling better soon my dear! Much love, hugs and prayers to you!

Angie

[cathy]

Dear Shelly

You have been through so much and like Ry said, you cant go through this and not have a hard time.. I know how hard this last year has been for you it was one devastation after another..Just remember some days are harder than others, take one day at a time and maybe when you wake up tomorrow you may feel a little better at least I hope you do...I am saying a prayer right now that God gives strength to get through this...You know you can call me if you need to, I wont push myself on you but if you want to talk pm me..(((((((SHELLY))))))

[TheresaKB]

Dear Shelly,

Please know that I will be praying for strength and peace for you and your Dad. I really don't know what else to say.

Hugs,

Theresa

[Snowflake]

Shelly,

I have been dealing with a tad bit of depression lately (all right, I'll admit, one of those 55-gallon barrels of sadness and glum). I send status updates to a long list of friends and relatives. Upon the latest news (that was physically good news) I mentioned my emotional state and received a reply from my uncle that contained some words I would like to share with you:

The books of our lives have numbered pages. Thankfully we can't skip to the last chapter, because we would. The ending needs the prospective of the beginning and middle. Hopefully your life book is "War & Peace", long, and thick. You are no doubt living through some shi##y war chapter, so kick *ss and move on.

So, Shelly...I believe you are living through that shi##y war chapter, too, just a different book. Strap on the steel-toes, girlie, time to kick *ss!

..and when you are REALLY down, try water therapy...either a long shower with free-falling tears or a bath complete with candles and relaxing music and tears... I will wallow for you, too, this weekend when I break out the candles, the nature CDs, the bath salts and warm/fluffy robe because I need the therapy, too.

In closing, I would like to share some other words my uncle sent to me: Be well and know that you are loved.

xxoo

Becky

[gerbil runner]

Shelly, there's no way you could NOT be affected by losing your mother and supporting your father during his illness.

It would be a good idea to ask the dr. for help. Being depressed for a long period of time makes it physically more difficult to recover from depression - it's like the brain wears a path along the sad route. It can become a chronic problem even after the events in one's life take an upturn. Depression is exhausting - you need your strength right now.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Give your dad a hug.

[Elaine]

Shellie

My heart goes out to you. The problem with the board is that we can't see each other and offer more than words for comfort. But since words are all I can offer, I can only say, be good to yourself, so you can be good for your dad, too.

Elaine

[Fay A.]

(((((Shelly)))))

Wish I could fix this for you.

[Connie B]

Shelly,

This is to much of a MIRROR IMAGE to me. I lost my mom and sister 8 months apart from one another. Oh Kiddo, I know just how your feeling!

Wish I could make it ALL BETTER! (((((((SHELLY)))))))))

Love & Support & Prayers,

Con

[gail]

Wish I had words to comfort you . . . I know meds really helped me in bad times. Lean on us.

gail

[Margaret]

Shelly,

I am so sorry you have this heavy business to deal with...I hate the fall out of this disease. I pray that you and your dad have the strength to deal with each day and are able to find the joy of the love you share in each day that you have. Take care of yourself and know that you are never alone in your walk through this, but that you are care for and supported by many.

Blessings,

Margaret

[norme]

Shelly,

Oh my dear, my heart is sad for you at this time. I to know what you are going through for I lost my mom, uncle, grandmother, father and two dear friends in a matter of 15 months back when I was 36. I lived in the funeral home every 2 months. I thought it would never end but it did and I got stronger for it. It was a very sad time of my life but I had my Buddy and our son to fall back on. My Buddy was so very strong minded when it came to things like this. I know it is only you left and that will be hard but you can make it work.

Right now your father is going through not just cancer but the loss of your mom, his partner. I surely know that feeling. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced in 67 years. To have that and cancer would be enough to drive one into depression but you know, I think he is grieving as I am plus he is dealing with the cancer. In his heart he probably would rather be with his wife now then deal with having to wait until the cancer consumes him if it does. We really don't know that answer, that is for God to decide.

We all have our day and like Becky's uncle said, some of us would like to check out the last chapter. I for one don't think it is written as yet so why go that far. You are young, going through a very hard time but you will survive for you are a survivor. You know what that word really means and you live it each and everyday. Try and find someone to go out and get some enjoyment for yourself with and then deal with the sadness as it comes along. one needs both sides to keep in the game...God Bless

[berisa]

Shelly, I am so sorry for your dad and what you are experiencing now, I know what you feel and we are on the same road in the same role. You are really tough and I can't imagine how much you suffered and are suffering. I pray to God for giving you extra strength to deal with this and please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

[hollyridge]

I am so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you. Please know that I am praying for you often and asking God to somehow help your pain be lessened.

[kimd]

Shellie:

Posting a little late, but hope you and your dad are doing somewhat better. Probably the Easter season also brought back memories of your mom. Please stay strong for both you and your dad. I can't imagine what you're going through and try to take one day at a time. Easter was tough for me this year. People were bragging about what they gave up for Lent and I told everyone I gave up my dad and I thought that was enough. I didn't mean to be bitter, but his services were on Ash Wednesday and the day after. I lost my dad at the beginning of Lent this year and my father-in-law on Good Friday five years ago -- both to cancer. May God give you strength and comfort during this difficult time. Hang in there!