HOW DO YOU DO THIS????

[kimblanchard]

Hi friends,

So it has been a little over 2 weeks...I am back teaching at school during the day and crying all night.

How do you do this???????? How does life go on without your beloved husband that you adored?

I need some help... some advice... I fear I am losing it.

Peg

[bluebayou]

I am so very very sorry for your loss. I will leave it to others who know you so much more to tell you how much they love you and Bill and are I'm sure devastated by this.

I simply wanted you to know that you are on my mind and will remain there for some time. Your courage, your compassion have so impressed me in the past.

May God give you strenght for what is ahead.

God Bless us All

Francine

[SandyS]

Peg -

I'll let the others who have been thru this guide you - but know that you are in my prayers....

Hugs,

SandyS

[Elaine]

Peg,

I don't know either, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your lovely daughter.

I don't know how to do what I am going through either--I guess I just want to let you know that it is normal not to know how "to do" difficult things.

Much. much love

Elaine

[stand4hope]

Peg,

It's so good to hear from you! I ditto what Francine and Sandy said and let others help you through this. I've been through great loss, but nothing as hard as what you're dealing with. I think you already know, though, that my heart is definitely weeping with you. I've continued to pray for you and hoped that you would come back. I'm so glad you did.

God bless you,

Peggy

[MO_Sugar]

Peg,

There are no words that can take away the pain. Please know that we are praying for you and only time will lessen the terrible pain you feel right now. Please vent, cry or what ever it takes to help you deal with the day.

You and your family are in my prayers.

God Bless,

MO

[norme]

My dear friend Peg,

HOW DO YOU DO THIS? Sure wish I had that answer for you.

Everyone goes through this grieving different but yet the same. Loosing a spouse is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. After being married to Buddy for 46 years plus 5 I am like only half here now. I will say that I am better today then I was a week or two or a month after his passing. I don't cry all day anymore, just a little each day. Don't think you are loosing it for all that you feel is so very normal.

I went to the cemetary today just because I wanted to go again but not really. I have a very hard time when I get there. I feel like I am going to throw-up and the tears start to come down. I noticed a lady there today that was there two days ago when I was last there. I spoke to her and asked her if she just lost her husband. She said no, he died 6 yrs ago but I still come here everyday. She said the people who work at the grave yard probably thinks she is crazy but she gets such comfort there. I told her "whatever works keep doing". I cannot imagine I will go everyday for 6 years for at some point I know that life must go on and will go on. I do not get much comfort at the grave site. I will visit regularly and place flowers on my mom's and dad's graves as I have always done and now Buddy's. The grave marker is now there and it seems strange to see our names on it.

Yesterday I decided to treat myself on mother's day. My son and family wanted me to go to Kings Island amusement park for the day with them but I was not in favor of that. I treated myself to visiting the new homes that was being presented in the Cavalcade of Homes. I was enjoying myself, taking my mind off of my loneliness when I went into the second last house and saw a big sign that mentioned a Memorial to some lady. Here it turned out to be the builder's wife who passed away 6 months ago. What the house has to do with it I didn't go into with anyone. I was talking with the builder, we had some mutual friends. His wife was ill for 10 yrs with alzhimers (sp?) and he took care of her at home though it all. He said he did something different this week. For the first time in 6 months he did not visit the grave. Here, he too was visiting the grave site everyday. He said he told himself it was time to stop and start back living in this world. He asked me what so far was the hardest part I was finding I had and after thinking about that, I said there were two things, - - Love and Security... I always had this safe place with Buddy. I knew through life that he would never in his power let anything ever happen to me if he could help from it. Love, well you know what I mean by that I told him.

So you see, you are not alone. There are a lot of us widows and widowers who are trying each day to make it though the 24 hours and we are not going crazy. We are all survivors finding our way. We will find our place but it will not be overnight. For each of us it will be a different time frame but it will come with some peace I do believe...God Bless you Peg. Just hold on tight and each day will get an inch better I promise....

[shirleyb]

Peg,

Some how by the grace of God, we survive.

We cry, we pray, we scream, we put one foot in front of the other and we go on.

We each take this path in it's own direction. We each have a different path to follow. For some, the path is easier than for others. We each grieve those we have lost in our own way and in our own time.

I have found it amazing though to be able to come to this section and be able to post and know there are several other wonderful womenand men who are walking this path too. We are here for each other. I thank Norme for posting what she did. She said it so very well.

I am so truely sorry. I pray to God for comfort, for peace for my soul, for healing of my heart. I pray for acceptance and forgiveness. I pray for each of those here that suffer. And I say a special prayer for those of us who are hurting so badly and missing our loves.

Take the time you need to greive, there is no time limit. Come here and let us know how you are doing. There are so many good people here who do understand and know that you need a safe place to go. And no, you are not loosing it. The roller coast has not come to a complete stop yet. You are not alone in this Peg.

Shirley

[glo]

Dear, Dear Peg -

How do you do this? Well, only because How do you NOT do this? There is no choice. No matter how much we scream, cry, rant, rave, cover up with the blankets, try to work till we drop, exercise, overeat, undereat, talk about it, don't talk about it, walk the floor -- we're still doing it -- we're living, whether we think we want to or not.

We can only trudge through day by day -- all of us who have lost spouses know how HUGE this process is. Like Norme's Buddy, my Chuck was my security as well as my love. For 40 years I had the warm, secure feeling of knowing that he would go to any lengths to protect and comfort me, and our daughter. That feeling has been cut from under my feet. The world has become a scarier place because it really is like losing half of yourself.

You will find some days when you can breathe again, when life holds some interest again, when you feel a little confidence come back; but you'll also fall back into that deep, dark abyss where the tears come rolling down your face and you can do nothing but sob and feel afraid and sick to your stomach. And for me, I never know when it will hit again, BUT I don't want to burden others or have them feel sorry for me, so I can usually control it except when I'm by myself.

So there is value in doing things with people who love you or people you enjoy, or going to work. Anything you have to concentrate on -- still there are times when nothing helps. I spent an enjoyable Mother's Day weekend on a trip with my daughter, but still found myself on the return flight home having to turn my face into that little pillow to disguise as much as I could of the tears flowing down my face because my mind had gone back again into the traumatic days and weeks after diagnosis. Other passengers probably thought I was deathly afraid of flying.

I can tell you that here at the 8 month period, I have fewer of those desperate, "I can't do this" days than I did at the beginning.

Other than that, dear Peg, just keep on hanging on. One foot in front of the other. If you have days when you just have to write or tell someone what you're feeling, please feel free to PM me. I understand. I know what you're going through.

We all care for you here. I know it isn't the same as the love of your husband, but we are like a family. When you hurt, we hurt. Someway, somehow we will learn to live with it.

((( Peg)))

Wishing you some tiny measure of peace.

Gloria

[glo]

Shirley -

You and I must have been posting at the same time. And we said so many of the same things.

We're all thinking of you, Peg and indeed you are not losing it. Unfortunately those are all normal feelings that we have to work through.

Gloria

[lilyjohn]

I can't add much to what the others have said except to say don't fight the grief. When it hits really hard go with it. If you fight it it is harder to get through.

It has been a year and a half sense Johnny's death and I still have days when I am so lost I forget to eat and can't sleep. Like everyone said it is different for each of us. I don't think time is really what makes it easier it is what makes it doable. Easy is a word that just does not go with that kind of loss.

I find that writing about my feelings really does help me. I started a journal soon after Johnny's death. There are just so many things that you can only say to him. I often write letters to him and that does help for a while.

Bless you and may God take care of you. There is no right or wrong way to face what we face. A strong faith will help you to know that you will be together again but it sure doesn't warm a cold bed or an aching heart. Lillian

[J.C.]

Peg,

Words are not my forte and eloquence was not around when I was

born.

But feelings I have and at the present time 7 months after Mike

left me, it is still the same not everyday, so I must be healing,

but small things will bring back all the memories and the flood will

start without any premonition.

The latest was an invitation to a 50th Wedding Anniversary, that

I got last Friday and since I have been in tears, I am happy for the

people to have that long together, but I hardly know them and as

they are expecting nearly 350 people, all related, and I know only

2 of them, I will be glad to refuse but it hurt me so much to get that

invitation and I can't get over it, and I was thinking I was doing

allright, so small things can hurt and other can bring joy, but it is

the not knowing what will bring tears of laughter that is hard to

control.

I have good days, but they are followed by unhappy ones, so hard

to know how to live alone when most of your life you were living as

one, but now half of you is gone.

Mike always told me he wanted to go first, because he did not want

to live without me, and that I was strong and would be OK, but I find

that I am far from strong and I am not ok, so I just keep on going

till I find a peaceful plane where I can live till I join him.

Peg, we do go on because it is in front of us and we know that life

is precious and a level of some kind of happiness is still possible in the

future.

Live your grief the way it comes to you, do not repress it, it would

only get worst.

Each day is one step in the right direction, even if some are in a

puddle of tears, they will all add up and you will make it.

Gook luck Peg, we are all here for you.

Love

J.C.

[shelliemacs]

Peg,

not that I have any idea what loosing a spouse feels like, but I am speaking now for your daughter.

please, please, please take extra care of yourself. Make the effort to eat and try to sleep even if you eat junk food and only nap through out the slow times.

Keep the busy times busy so you don't loose yourself to despair and fall apart and do whatever it takes to hold on to you.

Your Bill would never have wanted you to neglect yourself because of him.

Please I just need to know your going to do the small things that will at least keep you healthy.

[Andrea B.]

Dearest Peg,

First I am sending you a big hug. Second, I don't know what it is like losing a spouse, but I do know what it is like losing someone who was my best friend and an integral part of my life. We all grieve differently and unfortunately as I am learning...grief is very lonely. HOW DO WE DO THIS...I just begged my counselor to answer that question for me. How do I go on...how do I stop the feelings of wanting to join my mom...how do I stop missing her so badly that I can't breathe...how do I find any joy out of life...how do I look at my daughter and go on knowing she will never have her beloved grandma to hug her. I don't know how, because it is nothing I can control. I just somehow manage to get up every day, and function.

But don't deny yourself any of your grief feelings, don't try to pretend you are okay for everyone else. Sit with your feelings and allow yourself the ability to acknowlege that you aren't okay and life will never feel the same. But one day you will learn how to function again in the way that we are forced to function without our loved ones.

I think too often our society wants us to be okay, when we aren't. They don't allow us to take the time to mourne. Do this for yourself and encourage your daughter to do the same.

I wish I had the answers for you, I wish someone had the answers for me. All we can do is lean on one another, until life seems manageable again.

Blessings and hugs to you dear Peg.

[kimblanchard]

My heart goes out to you. I do not know the pain of losing a spouse, I only have limited losses so far but I will share what little I have experienced.

When my grandfather died, I asked my Mom if grief goes away. She said it doesn't go away but it goes to the back burner.

I lost a boyfriend once and it wasn't even so serious but in that case, I felt just awful for 30 days, then I talked with him in a dream, kind of settled it, and I let it go and it was okay.

When my beloved pet died, I cried for three days, then I built a garden over his grave and I talked with him and it was like we were doing it together, and it was okay after that.

When my mother died, I felt real bad. I held it in for a long time but would have crying jags. Finally I just burst out crying and crying for hours, right at work, too, how embarrassing. After that it began to settle. It was bad for about 6 months, then it just sort of walled off. I am sure I could bring it back but I don't. I began to think of her in heaven and talking with her there and it didn't hurt any more here. But she has been gone 4 years now.

I don't know how you do it, I never did, but I guess it gets done in it's own time. Like other's said, you just keep going and do your best to stay physically healthy so you can do the spiritual growth/healing that you have to do now. I do talk to my loved ones who have passed and it seems like sometimes I kind of feel them responding and it helps me.

Best wishes and prayers for you.

Margaret in Iowa

[kimblanchard]

To all my dear friends,

Thank you for your wonderful replies. I appreciate all your words and feel for your losses. It is comforting to know my feelings of grief are so normal and that I am not alone.

Blessings to you all,

Peg

[Cindy RN]

Peg, No words I can say will help. Talk with the ones who are going thru this with you.

May God make His presence known to you at all times, feel His Spirit comforting you. Know that he is now with our Lord in Heaven. Peace to you.

Love Cindy

[ginnyde]

Dear Peg,

It has been such a short time. It is impossible that a love so strong would not be mourned immensely. I fear so much this lose. I can't imagine how you cope.

I have always believed that time is a great healer, not a forgetter, just a healer. I think there comes a time when your memories will bring happy tears.

Just know that there are many people here that care about you and are praying that you find some peace in the days and weeks ahead.

Love,

Ginny

[kimblanchard]

One thing I did when Becky died was that I broke some rules. I left dishes in the sink overnight, ate ice cream with nuts and fruit in it - she was chocolate all the way, nothing to mess it up - had spinach artichoke dip and indulged all the things I like that she doesn't. I did that for a couple of days, and then since then the dishes have all been done, ...

She trained me better than she ever knew. So be rebellious. Just a little. It's silly, but it was a way of honoring her, I think.

Curtis

[kimblanchard]

Curtis,

What a sweet message. Thank you.

Peg

[jamie]

Peg,

I dont know how to do it either. I took care of my great grandmother for a year, and when she died I didnt know what to do with myself. I surrounded myself with my kids and kept myself busy, but still miss her dreadfully. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. My only advice would be to stay busy. The pain will soften, it will... it has to...

Jamie

[kimblanchard]

I also was given a book called seven choices by Elizabeth Neeld. Haven't gotten to what the seven choices are yet, but it has been a helpful book anyway. Her husband died suddenly of heart failure, and so some things are different before me because we knew it was possible that she would die sooner, but most of it is right on with what I am feeling. And it is nice to hear somebody put words to my emotions.

And when you are being rebellious, cackle. Cackle like a Disney villian.

Curtis

[mirrell]

you take it one day at a time and you must go THROUGH it, there is no way around it. thinnking of you peg.

[Karen]

Peg,

You have been in my prayers. I was so sorry to hear about Bill and I thank God you have this board to help you deal. As the rest of the ladies above stated, you just deal however you need to. That's what my mother-in-law has done for the last 9 months. One thing she did was change routines on some things they always did together. For example, they always had a certain mass they went to at their church on Sunday mornings. Now she goes on Saturday night and finds it's easier to get what she needs out of it without being overwhelmed by the fact that she isn't there with him. She still has some tough nights and some days here and there, but she's found it is best to just roll with the emotions rather than trying to put them on hold at those moments.

I also noticed your earlier post about having to go back to school, and being a 6th grade teacher myself, I know that while that might sound odd to some people, those kids will probably keep you busy in a way you really need right now. I do hope with all my heart that your students are taking good care of you and you have some parent helpers to share the load, especially as you are so sleep deprived. I pray that your time with them will prove a blessing to you as I am sure you are a blessing to them. I will be keeping you in my prayers, Peg. Your daughter as well...

God bless~

Karen M.

[hollyridge]

Peg, I know your pain all too well. My Bill has been gone just a little over two months. Last week I celebrated my 50th birthday without him. I was so frightened to face that alone and then when the day actually came I surprised myself. I cannot give you a formula for this. I am learning myself, but I do know that my faith is still helping me. I trust that this really is part of some wonderful plan that I just do not understand yet and I try to have hope still even though my life has been devasted. I have to truly take it one day at a time or I will lose it. Try my trick that I use when I miss him really bad. Close you eyes and get a vivid picture of him in your mind. Now take a very slow breath in through your nose and try to remember his scent. Keep your eyes closed and when you exhale envision his arms around you. You will realize that he is there with you. He is next to you always and he wants you to feel his presence. I feel Bill around me everyday. I take tremendous comfort in that feeling. I would do anything to have Bill back even for just an hour or a minute but I know that is not possible. I try to switch my sadness around and remember with joy the happiness he brought me.

Please pm me if you like. I will pray for your pain to lessen. Maybe you should see your doctor about medication to help you function better. Just a thought.

Colleen