cindi o'h Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Where has Cindi o'h been? Why hasn't she been tending the bar? Why hasn't she been posting much? Why hasn't she been answering my pm's? Oh.. I have been going through my stuff. I tend to withdraw and isolate and work through it on my own. It is a lifelong pattern with me. Generally, if I am quiet, there is something not quite right. I don't reach out for help. It has always been hard for me to ask for help and I am not even sure I know exactly how. I muddle through. Sometimes the muddling takes longer to get through than other times. This was a long one. Also, "my stuff" included me not wanting to scare any new people who might be trying to decide on treatment. When I was diagnosed, the onc. told me that if the cancer didn't kill me that there was a chance that the treatment might. It might during the treatment, or it might later. He did warn me. But, I conveniently forgot until a week or so ago. I am not depressed. Sad, I have been. Depressed, thank goodness, no. Hopeless feeling. Yes. But, not a depressive hopelessness. Just a feeling of hopelessness regarding me getting "better". I will start with today. I had a good day, in general. Tues., Weds., and today all good days. I could breathe. Three days in a row. It has been a long time since I have felt this good. Probably why I feel like I can finally share with you all. Cuz I am not in the dumps, and I am not dumping on you. But, I have just gone through something major, for me, and it needs to come out. Today, I went to pulm. rehab. for a one on one with the dept. head to get set up for rehab starting Jan. I wish I would have done this earlier. I was very impressed with this therapist. She is there 100% for her patients. I learned so much today. I was telling her about losing TimmyTom. I thought that with his death that I would get better; that my breathing would improve. I am allergic to cats. I said no more cats after Tim. Instead, I told her, I ended up in the ER. Tim's death was tortuous. It was awful. She said that with stress comes inflammation in the lungs for me with all of my lung diseases. She said it didn't surprise her at all that I became more sick rather than better. hmmmm. It was Tim's death I suppose that spurred me on to re-think my lc, my lung diseases and my future. I really did think that by not having cats that my lungs would improve. Did not. It was a huge disappointment. Then came another ER trip shortly after. Very short of breath again. This time a new diagnosis of congestive heart failure. It sounds awful. It took days for it to sink in and for me to look at it. I questioned what this meant to me and for me and my future. I can hardly breathe sometimes. Showering is sooo hard. It doesn't get done as often as it needs to. I keep putting it off. I dress sitting down. I park in handicap. I ride the scooter around the grocery store. I huff and puff and think I will die just turning over in bed at times. Walking faster than a snail takes my breath away. It means no fishing again this winter because I can't drill a hole or walk in snow. I could go on and on about the things I cannot do. Using a can opener to open a can is exhausting and I have to sit to rest for 2-3" to catch my breath before I move to the next can. Dishes are impossible. Is that why I have been buying plastic and paper everything? I do have a new family practioner in town. I like him. He is pretty smart. And best of all, he cares. I have never once asked any doctor what my future holds for me. I have always believed that goldarnit, I am going to get better. I just have to be patient and one day all this marvelous healing will take place and poof! I will be able to breathe again! For some reason, I trusted this doctor enough to ask him what he thought about my future, especially now with this new dx of chf. He said he thought it was a combination of all the lung diseases that was holding me back but that he thought that there might be a way for me to get a little of my breath back by working on one or two of these diseases. See a local pulmonologist. This statement gave me some hope. So I saw the pulm. doc on this Tuesday. His shoes were polished. His laces were small and tight and straight. The tweed threads were all the right direction. And I am pretty sure he wears his tie to bed. He was thorough in his exam. The most thorough physical and verbal medical exam by any other pulmonolgist I have seen. I asked him the same question. Will I get better? "no" Is there anything I can do? "no". So, I get home. More tears. I think about it a bit. I try hard to disqualify him. And then I think. Oh so. He knows alot. No doubt about that. But, he doesn't know everything! There. Now he is disqualified. I decide. I decide that even though I can't "do" much, I can still do. I still breathe, and feel, and think. I wake up. I can still love and laugh and cry. I ain't dead yet!!! Thank goodness for my friend, J.C...aka Jackie. She pulled my thoughts out of me and helped me to work toward acceptance. That is all I needed was acceptance. I have accepted lc. I have. But, I was not accepting the limitations. I was overly hopeful. Maybe that is partly why I am still here. Hard to say. I am so proud of my attitude through all of this. Even though I was feeling sad and scared my attitude stayed pretty much on track. I know that I have a good one. I have to work harder at it some days than others, but I am lucky that I know that importance of a good attitude for me. I can get on the pity pot as fast as anyone else and for longer if I don't watch it. So, knowing how I tick, keeps me off that stinky place. It is poison for me. Where do we go from here? One day at a time. I am resolved to continue to challenge my physical self and to learn as much about controlling my diseases as I can. I am resolved to be the best student that this PT has had in her class. I may not be the fastest, but I will be the most determined and the most dedicated to success. I have also been feeling sad and bewildered about the suffering and death of our board members. It has broken my heart. I sit here some days and weep. My pant legs are soaked with tears. There is much suffering. Cancer isn't fun and it isn't pretty and it hurts. Little Lynne wrote a pm regarding her departed Jim yesterday and I just sobbed at the loss of such a wonderful love affair between them. Wet pants again. Well. That is what has been going on with me. I was muddling through some stuff that I needed to get through, and I think I may be back, now. So that is where I have been, in case you were wondering. Thanks, for listening. 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