Yoo hoo! Cindi o'h...Whar you been?

[cindi o'h]

Where has Cindi o'h been?

Why hasn't she been tending the bar?

Why hasn't she been posting much?

Why hasn't she been answering my pm's?

Oh.. I have been going through my stuff. I tend to withdraw and isolate and work through it on my own. It is a lifelong pattern with me. Generally, if I am quiet, there is something not quite right. I don't reach out for help. It has always been hard for me to ask for help and I am not even sure I know exactly how.

I muddle through. Sometimes the muddling takes longer to get through than other times. This was a long one.

Also, "my stuff" included me not wanting to scare any new people who might be trying to decide on treatment. When I was diagnosed, the onc. told me that if the cancer didn't kill me that there was a chance that the treatment might. It might during the treatment, or it might later. He did warn me. But, I conveniently forgot until a week or so ago.

I am not depressed. Sad, I have been. Depressed, thank goodness, no. Hopeless feeling. Yes. But, not a depressive hopelessness. Just a feeling of hopelessness regarding me getting "better".

I will start with today. I had a good day, in general. Tues., Weds., and today all good days. I could breathe. Three days in a row. It has been a long time since I have felt this good. Probably why I feel like I can finally share with you all. Cuz I am not in the dumps, and I am not dumping on you. But, I have just gone through something major, for me, and it needs to come out.

Today, I went to pulm. rehab. for a one on one with the dept. head to get set up for rehab starting Jan. I wish I would have done this earlier. I was very impressed with this therapist. She is there 100% for her patients. I learned so much today. I was telling her about losing TimmyTom. I thought that with his death that I would get better; that my breathing would improve. I am allergic to cats. I said no more cats after Tim.

Instead, I told her, I ended up in the ER. Tim's death was tortuous. It was awful.

She said that with stress comes inflammation in the lungs for me with all of my lung diseases. She said it didn't surprise her at all that I became more sick rather than better.

hmmmm.

It was Tim's death I suppose that spurred me on to re-think my lc, my lung diseases and my future. I really did think that by not having cats that my lungs would improve. Did not.

It was a huge disappointment. Then came another ER trip shortly after. Very short of breath again. This time a new diagnosis of congestive heart failure.

It sounds awful. It took days for it to sink in and for me to look at it. I questioned what this meant to me and for me and my future.

I can hardly breathe sometimes. Showering is sooo hard. It doesn't get done as often as it needs to. I keep putting it off.

I dress sitting down. I park in handicap. I ride the scooter around the grocery store. I huff and puff and think I will die just turning over in bed at times. Walking faster than a snail takes my breath away.

It means no fishing again this winter because I can't drill a hole or walk in snow.

I could go on and on about the things I cannot do. Using a can opener to open a can is exhausting and I have to sit to rest for 2-3" to catch my breath before I move to the next can. Dishes are impossible. Is that why I have been buying plastic and paper everything?

I do have a new family practioner in town. I like him. He is pretty smart. And best of all, he cares.

I have never once asked any doctor what my future holds for me. I have always believed that goldarnit, I am going to get better. I just have to be patient and one day all this marvelous healing will take place and poof! I will be able to breathe again!

For some reason, I trusted this doctor enough to ask him what he thought about my future, especially now with this new dx of chf.

He said he thought it was a combination of all the lung diseases that was holding me back but that he thought that there might be a way for me to get a little of my breath back by working on one or two of these diseases. See a local pulmonologist.

This statement gave me some hope.

So I saw the pulm. doc on this Tuesday.

His shoes were polished. His laces were small and tight and straight. The tweed threads were all the right direction. And I am pretty sure he wears his tie to bed.

He was thorough in his exam. The most thorough physical and verbal medical exam by any other pulmonolgist I have seen. I asked him the same question. Will I get better?

"no"

Is there anything I can do?

"no".

So, I get home. More tears. I think about it a bit. I try hard to disqualify him. And then I think. Oh so. He knows alot. No doubt about that. But, he doesn't know everything!

There.

Now he is disqualified.

I decide. I decide that even though I can't "do" much, I can still do. I still breathe, and feel, and think. I wake up. I can still love and laugh and cry. I ain't dead yet!!!

Thank goodness for my friend, J.C...aka Jackie. She pulled my thoughts out of me and helped me to work toward acceptance. That is all I needed was acceptance.

I have accepted lc. I have. But, I was not accepting the limitations. I was overly hopeful. Maybe that is partly why I am still here. Hard to say.

I am so proud of my attitude through all of this. Even though I was feeling sad and scared my attitude stayed pretty much on track. I know that I have a good one. I have to work harder at it some days than others, but I am lucky that I know that importance of a good attitude for me. I can get on the pity pot as fast as anyone else and for longer if I don't watch it. So, knowing how I tick, keeps me off that stinky place. It is poison for me.

Where do we go from here?

One day at a time.

I am resolved to continue to challenge my physical self and to learn as much about controlling my diseases as I can. I am resolved to be the best student that this PT has had in her class. I may not be the fastest, but I will be the most determined and the most dedicated to success.

I have also been feeling sad and bewildered about the suffering and death of our board members. It has broken my heart. I sit here some days and weep. My pant legs are soaked with tears. There is much suffering. Cancer isn't fun and it isn't pretty and it hurts. Little Lynne wrote a pm regarding her departed Jim yesterday and I just sobbed at the loss of such a wonderful love affair between them. Wet pants again.

Well. That is what has been going on with me. I was muddling through some stuff that I needed to get through, and I think I may be back, now.

So that is where I have been, in case you were wondering.

Thanks, for listening.

Cindi o'h

[Donna]

((((Cindi o'h))))

You are always here for me, can't I be here for you? Please let me help any way I can..You know all of my friends here are always in my prayers..You have given me hope and strength over the past 7 months, please let me give it right back to you..

My prayers and lots of love being sent to you..Please PM me if you would like to vent or chat, or cry..

God bless You,

Donna K.

[Fall54]

Dear Cindi,

Thank you for sharing all of that. I know it must have been very hard to just type it with the feelings you are having.

Your darn right you have a good attitude and your darn right you are alive and able to love , smile, laugh and cry amoung so many other things!

We all love you here and will always be here for you. You dont always have to be the one that cheers up everyone else. You are allowed to feel and say how you are hurting and grab some support from us! I am so sorry things are as difficult as they are for you. You are a wonderful person and you are in my prayers Sweetie!

God Bless you always,

Jane

[Kel M]

Dear Cindi,

I'm glad you shared your post with us. It is heartfelt and filled with hope - which is 'signature' Cindi!

Lean on us, friend. It's better when you can share the pain and the joy with friends.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Kel

[mamasbabygirl]

Hugs and love sent to you Cindi. You could always just move down to good ole KY with my 2 wild boys and my MIL with dimentia. What do ya think? We do have a lake within scooter distance and I will drill the hole.

[shineladysue]

Cindi,

What a wonderful friend you have in J.C. . Jackie has done for you what noone else could do. She brought you out and made you talk about things and start accepting the things you can't change.

Cindi, you are human and you can't always be the lady that runs around cheering others up. It's damn hard to be here, but where else would we be. Can we really turn our backs on all our family here. Only we know what everyone is going through. Your post finds me sitting here with "wet pants legs", but I am thankful for the chance to send you prayers and know what I am praying for. Cindi, never forget the power of prayer. I refuse to have a doctor that doesn't believe in prayers and miracles. If there is any one thing I can find wrong with your doctor's reply is that he must be assuming the role of God to be able to answer you with a flat "no" as to whether you will be better or not. Never lose faith and accept the prayers of others. It's Christmas time and many of us believe that means it is a time of miracles. Praying for one for you.

Love you... Now will you get your butt back behind that bar, but get you a cute bartender to help you out.

Love and Prayers,

Sue

[LynneH]

Cindi-girl, I knew in my heart you were going to come up for air, but now that you have, I can let my breath out with a big ol' sigh of relief.

Thank God for Jackie, for your new helpful GP, for your kick-a@# PT, and mostly for you. Now, we all sit here together at the wet-pants party.

I'll let Lori drill the ice hole but I'll wait back at the heated house with the interesting MIL to offer you a cup of warm chocoate when you return with your smelly fish.

I wondered if showers were hard; they were very hard on Jim's lungs. So, just open the coffee scrub and breathe in deep. Will get the stinky fish smell out of your nose and will be a good breathing exercise!

I understand your cave-dwelling coping style as I share the same. Different strokes for different folks. WELCOME BACK!

Love,

Lynne

[J.C.]

That's where you are,

and me waiting for my Good morning e-mail.....

Funny how so many good (????) fishermen/women

have the patience to wait long hours sometimes

days for that big one that keeps eluding all

your best lures and you don't have patience

with yourself.

Now think of all that like a fishing party,

patience and you will get better.

Hold on to my shirt tail again, and king fisher

blue today.

Your post made my day.

Use a bib to prevent wet pants.

Love

Jackie

[Ry]

Let's assume the pulmonologist has a communication problem--when you asked if you would get better, most likely he thought you meant completely better and back to normal. Now...maybe that won't happen but I'll bet you that you can get better--more energy and some endurance through your re-hab. So hang in there Cindi and open the bar for Chrissakes--it's the holidays.

[Ellen B.]

Cindi, we are here for you. We are here if you are glad but also if you are sad. Don't forget!

Ellen.

[gerbil runner]

Ya know, Cindy, DeanCarl (and my mom, in her own way) learned how to get the most out of a smaller world.

Your pulmonologist needs a different question; "If you were in my shoes, what would you try to make breathing easier?" Getting "better" may not be possible, but getting more mileage out of what your lungs can do may be well within your reach. Pulmonary rehab, perhaps? Learning how to get more out of the lungs you have may help you out.

Darn it, get an electric can opener! And what organizations around you can offer help? Save your strength for what you really want. Make friends with the scooter. Find a buddy for ice fishing to drill the hole. You're a strong, creative lady - use those smarts to figure out how to preserve what means the most to you.

You have enough of yourself left to want more, so figure out how to get it - you've got some livin' left to do. We know you can outsmart your new limitations.

Go ahead and grieve your loss - a good b!tch session always seems to help. And then go ahead and figure out how to move on. I'm rooting for you!

[bunny]

Cindi, I am so, so glad you let us into your heart again. you've brought so much to this board. and I love your attitude, also. I admire the dance you do between hope and reality, it's more graceful than you realize. I know my mom struggles with exactly what you describe.

just know that you are loved, cherished and admired. xoxo

bunny

[KarHart]

Cindi, I'm proud of you too. I am amazed that you manage to handle all of this even if you do fall back a bit once in awhile. Hope you will be able to enjoy this holiday season.

Karen H

[Ann]

Cindi...I love ya.

[midge]

Cindi,

My advice to you is go to another doctor. A new cardiologist my do wonders for your breathing if you have congestive heart failure. Are you on much Lasix?

Don't give up hope, sounds like you just need a new doctor.

[Patkid]

When we read JC's post we prayed for you by name.

We knew and we are so glad to see you back and we need you.

JC, you are an awesome friend. Thank you for loving Cindi so wonderfully.

P

[Treebywater]

Love you, Cin. I'm sorry things have been so crappy. I *knew* I needed to give you a hug. Here is another. (((((Cindy)))))

[dchurchi]

Cindi,

I missed you, but understand why you needed to be away. I am not the patient so I will never prentend to understand what you go through.

I know as my husbands caregiver, I sometimes struggle

staying in the moment. Enjoying the fact Alan woke up today.

I at times look too far forward and the heartache is so great.

It was good to hear from you and your family will always be here.

[Leslie221]

(((Friend)))

I've been so wrapped up in myself I didn't realise how rough things have been for you. I am here now and I want to hold you and comfort you.

I was worried when I first started reaing your post. But, a great calmness came over me as I continued because there was real proof that you are still YOU, thinking, searching, questioning and trying to get the best grasp on the situation you can. I felt, by the end, you had reached an understanding with what may be a new reality.

Acceptance is a tricky thing to master, isn't it? Sometimes it feels like surrender. But it's not, is it? It's the new way of dealing with something that allows you to make it yours, instead of having to fight it constantly.

I read this piece tonight and thought it might have some meaning for you right now.

"The Gift of the Self"

There are no more maps, no more creeds, no more philosophies. From here on in, the directions come straight from the Universe. The Curriculum is being revealed millisecond by millisecond --invisably, intuitively, spontaneously, lovingly. As one of Thomas Merton's monks has it, "'Go into your cell and your cell will teach you everything there is to know.' Your cell. Yourself.

-- Akshara Noor

I think you're going to find more beauty in that self than you are yet aware.

Love and caring thoughts,

Leslie

[dadstimeon]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Cindi.

Rich--

[Maryanne]

Hi girlfriend,

Some friend I am. Everytime I was going to PM you to find out where you been, you posted something. So I just figured you were busy. So sorry I did not pick up on your setbacks.

But phooey on what your new Pulmonary doctor said. He does not know our Cindi. He does not know how her enthusiasm has touched so many people and how you have pulled yourself up from all kinds of negative situations.

You are brave, you are a fighter and always will be. But most of all you are our role model. Your are and always will be a survivor.

This may have set you back. I mean not being able to breathe is frightening. But even with that setback I know that you would bounce back. And you have. You may have had help from JC (bless her heart) who has helped you through this latest dilemma as she certainly has helped you in the past. What a wonderful friend you have in her.

I am elated you decided to join the living. You my friend are a survivior and always will be. You may get down, heavens knows you certainly have reason too, but you always dust yourself off, pick yourself up and start to fight again.

You will not let a little thing like not breathing get you down. . You are a survivor and always will be.

So my friend like so many others here, Welcome back and know how much you mean to all of us.

We are at your side and will fight with you every step of the way.

Congestive heart failure means you are having water filling up around your heart and into your lungs again. It seems it may be time to have that drained. I may be wrong but I know that has a lot to do with it. Have they ruled out aorta stenosis. My mom had that as she had a weak valve. It is correctable, but she was in her 90's and much to old to go through that operation.

It just sounds like you have what she was going through with the breathing thing. Having asthma certainly does not help.

I am so sorry about you Timmy, he was your little buddy and friend and now you must feel empty having him gone. There is a void there as you and him go back a long time. It must be very lonely for you. But know that we are hear to cheer you up.

You my dear friend are a survivor and you have touched my life.

I love you,

Maryanne

[Geri]

Another twist in the road and surely you'll navigate this one like you've done the others.....with great panache and an "I'm gonna get it done" attitude.

Rooting for you, hoping this gets sorted out real soon.

Geri

[Nushka]

Cindi,

My dear friend. I am so sorry you have been so down and feeling so alone. It is hard, very hard, to do anything when you can't breathe well. It has to be frustrating. I am very proud of you for picking yourself up and really looking at the picture.

Now that we have all of that out of the way, I know that you are going to be the star pupil at rehab. If anyone can do it it is you. There are all kinds of breathing exercises that have helped me a little. If I did them routinely they would help even more. They will show you how to get the most out of yourself. Once you see that you will start to improve.

Take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you. My pants legs are a little wet but I can put them in the dryer. You can too. When you need it...cry. Then put your pants in the dryer and put them back on.

And for Pete's sake....open that bar. We miss it and we have missed you. Glad you are back. HOpe you will continue to let it out. JC is right. You just needed a little nudging to be yourself all over again.

Love you Cindi,

Nina

P.S. I loved the quote that Leslie posted.