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How Will I Get Through This


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My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer back in September. The amazing thing is she never smoked in her life. She is only 64. The doctors having given up on her.

She started on Tarceva, then had two rounds of chemo, radiation to different parts of her body, including whole brain and lastly gamma knife. She most recently had vertoplasty done to her spine.

Cancer has totally taken over her body, yet she doesn't feel like she is dying. She had a postive outlook (until the doctors told her to get her affairs in order) and still lives on her own (although I am close by) and keeps up with her various teaching jobs. She is truly amazing. Everyone that knows her is in awe of her.

Hospice "came in" about two weeks ago. They are so nice, yet the word "hospice" makes it seem like the end is near.

My mom and I have always had a very close relationship and I am really having trouble coming to terms with the fact that her days are numbered. I can't imagine my life without her.

As far as a support system, I don't really have one. My friends listen but don't know what to say or do because they aren't in this situation. My new husband (of 3 months) doesn't understand and doesn't know how to support me.

I don't think I've ever felt more alone in my life as I do now. I am sure this is a normal feeling, but it doesn't feel very good.

Any advice would be quite helpful.

Thanks for "listening."

- Lynda

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As hard as it is ............ you will get threw this. There is no advice to give, all you can do is deal with all of this as only you can do. Maybe that is anger, maybe that is the complete mind numbing feeling or confusion. Or everyone of them all at once! There is no handbook of proper reaction, feeling or expectation. Like you said "she's been marveled by everyone" to this point and seems to be doing so well .... that is a gift she's been given. Just do what you can with what you've got and you will find that is enough ... now or at least one day! Maybe quietly standing by waiting is your husbands best helpful contribution. Really, what else is he able to offer or provide you, I'm sure he'll be there to be your rock when you need it most!!!

Tammy

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Lynda, welcome and thanks for posting. It is normal to feel as you do when the loss of a loved one might be close at hand. And you can get through it all.

My wife was diagnosed with Stage IV, NSCLC, almost 4 years ago at age 65, and given 9 months. Each case is different, of course, but I wish that gives you hope. Glad your mom is doing well so far. Don

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Lynda,

Just lean on us--that's why we are here! I know that the people in my life try to help, but they really don't "get it". I know when I come here to rant, or cry, or share good news, that many here have walked in my shoes. You can really let it all hang out here.

Also, work to focus on your todays, and not your tomorrows. In other words, try not to borrow trouble. Enjoy the great gift your mom is right now, each day. I know it is easier said than done, but just keep reminding yourself.

Keep us updated, OK?

:) Kelly

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Lynda

I am so sorry you had the need to find this site but I am very glad you posted and shared your story with us.

As the others have already pointed out, we do understand what you are going through and we will do whatever we can to help you along this journey.

Please keep us posted on your mom and remember, we are here and we care...

Sending prayers to you, your mom and your family,

Chris

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I know how you feel. My dad was put on hospice two short weeks ago, and he passed away one week ago. None of us, including him, believed it was his time to go until the day of his death. We couldn't believe it last Monday when they told us he only had 24 hours to live. It's still unbelievable today. Daddy had a wonderful outlook, and was still mentally with us until a few short hours before his death. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through, but you will get through it. Each day is such a struggle for me, and coming to this site is hard as well, but I know I have to do it. I just take one day and most of the time one hour at a time.

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I am so sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place. I lost my mom six months ago. And "lost" is the operative word here; I feel abandoned, and very alone. My mom lived with us and she was my best friend, the one who cared the most for me my entire life.

I was devastated to read that "the doctors have given up" on your mom. My mom was diagnosed with stage IIIB in November 2004, and when she went in December 2005 for scans which showed 30% growth, her onco said, "I'm not ready to give up yet." Your mom sounds like one amazing lady, and there should be no reason she should give up, if she still feels well and has a great attitude. We have MANY survivors on this board who defied all the terrible statistics and the doom and gloom of what their docs told them.

It seems cruel that you should have to endure this just as you have begun a new life with your husband. I was three weeks away from delivering my son when my mom died, and as an only child, it was my responsibility to get my mother's funeral in order. For the rest of my life I will tell you and everyone that I have no idea how I made it through. I truly believe that the shock is what helped me. I sat and thought of the "end" for months beforehand, and came to the conclusion that I just would NOT be able to handle it--any of it--at all. But I did, through pure shock. I was grateful for it while it lasted, but now it's beginning ot wear off and I'm facing the rest of my life without my mom.

It's so very hard to do, but you have to hel pyour mom keep a positive outlook. If hospice is what she wants, be supportive. I know the mere mention of the word is hard to hear, but hospice may be temporary--you never know. It's not like there's no going back if you decide to go for further treatment.

You say you have no support network--well, you do now. This place is truly incredible, and yep, we do understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.

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Lynda,

I am with ya. My mom entered hospice care a month ago and up until a few days ago, she told me she is not going to die. My mom has always been my best friend and many times she has been my friends' best friend. My mom was always the mom who everyone came to for guidance or friendship, bc she is a very wise woman. I do not know how I will get through not being able to have her in my life. Taking care of my mom right now is very difficult, but so worth it, because it's all I've got at this point. Sorry, didn't mean to make you feel worse, but I hear you and it hurts... :cry:

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I'm so sorry. As Katie wrote before, you should know that we're all here for you and we understand. I lost my father almost 8 months ago, and I'm still in shock. He was my best friend. Many of us here lost someone very dear, and we know what you're going through.

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Lynda:

Welcome and glad you posted -- you have a support system now in us. We all know this journey well and, while sometimes even we don't know what to say, we do know how to listen.... so ask questions, rant, rave, whine here.....whatever works to get through each day.

It's wonderful that your mom feels well and is independent -- live for today and cherish every moment you have together with your mom. Has your mom given up on pursuing treatment options or just the docs?

The hard part in dealing with friends, family and such around you is that they really need you to tell them what they need to do to support you (so I've found anyway) -- interesting situation when often you don't even know what support to ask for with so much going on inside! Pay attention to what you're thinking and when you find yourself saying gee, if I only had help with this or that.....write it down and see who might be able to help you by taking it on.

Keep us posted,

Linda

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Linda,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but so glad that you've found us so that we can support you. It is hard... and I can't tell you how you will get through it, except... somehow you WILL. You won't know how it's happening during or after, but you'll walk through this journey one way or another.

So many of us here know how hard it is. Please lean on us.

Val

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Hello and welcome here Lynda,

I am so sorry for your mom's diagnosis. She certainly is a fighter and through she is losing the war she certainly did not lose the battle as she never gave up and is still fighting. What a courageous woman she is!

We cannot change the events that are ineviable, but you can be with her as much as you can and make some wonderful memories.

We are always here for you as you are never alone here. We sympathize with you as so many of us have walked in your shoes.

I am so sorry, Lynda for your pain as moms are so specail. I will be sending prayers to your mom for her to be pain free and comfortable and also for a miracle for her to somehow get through this.

Maryanne

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Oh Dear Lynda,

I am so, so sorry to read your post. What an amazing journey you have been on. I welcome you to the boards although I wish you didn't need to be here in the first place :(

YOu have found a wonderful support system here. There are so many knowledgable people here, and you can get answers while helping you. I have found that this place is a WONDERFUL escape for me, and a place where I find hope, peace, and love.

Don't ever give up, and I suggest calling "hospice" by a different name. It helps and it can get you through.

Please know we are here for you.

I pray that God grants you and your family peace, love, and renewed strength and health.

God bless,

Jen

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I am so glad you have found this board for help and support, the people here are wonderful.

I have found that many people don't get it - or they are just scared to hear about cancer stories. It makes it to real, and they don't want to think of themselves or their loved ones being sick, so they don't know how to or can't comfort someone who is going through this.

Lean on us here. Everyone understands.

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You may not think so but you have what you need to get you through your mom's illness no matter what the outcome. I don't believe in false hope but I do believe in God and He decides who will die and when. Your mom sounds like she is very strong. Being her daughter you should have a lot of her strength. You will get through this and you will be stronger for it. Don't blame your husband or even your friends, Unless you have walked this road you just don't have a clue.

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There are a lot of us here who have walked a million miles in this battle with Cancer. We have been through with what you are feeling right now. Vent, write, post, cry, yell or do whatever you have to do. we are always here anytime any reason anything you need. HTere is much love and compassion here and knowledge also. we have a lot of Dry shoulders to cry on and ears to listen with.

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Lynda -

I understand. So many of we "daughters" who have close relationships with our moms know exactly what you are talking about. I thought my mom would be with me for so many more years, and her diagnosis and death were the most devastating thing I could ever imagine going through...yet Lynda, I made it. You will too. I can't tell you it is easy, becuase it certainly is not.

You have time with your mom. Share your love. Talk. talk and talk. Make sure nothing is left unsaid.

As fas as your husband goes, would you consider som kind of counseling? You are going to need him more than ever in the upcoming months....grief and illness are tough on the strongest relationships.

God WILL give you the strength to take each day as it comes and to be thankful for what you have.

Love,

Holly

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