that same old feeling........

[Geri]

Even after all this time I'm getting the heebie jeebies as scan time is rolling around again.

On January 16th I have my onc appt, my first in a year, and he's scheduled a brain MRI (which I hate), chest CT and blood work.

I feel terrific, have no symptoms and no reason to think that I have any problems but........that little bugger in the back of my head is going ~~~~~ na-na-ne-na-na, don't get too smug I'm going to make you wonder!

I think this is probably the worst part of survival - the loss of peace of mind. Even after 5 years I can still be reduced to a blithering idiot at the mention of my scans - after a year of freedom from appts I think it's even worse than ususal.

Don't mind me, I'm not about to lose it or anything.....I'm just talking to other people who understand where I'm coming from. My family really doesn't get it, as far as they're concerned I don't have anything to worry about - or at least that's the "official" version and they're not hinting at any different thoughts. I'm sure they're going to be relieved when the tests are over but NOT as much as me!!

Thanks for listening.

Geri

[Kasey]

Well, Miss Geri,

I, too, go for a checkup in January. Actually we must leave 1/7 so I can start bright and early on 1/8. Then I go back and finish up with more on 1/9. Finally meet with doc on the 10th. I am so anxious already I think I actually hyperventilate sometimes. And I DO identify with it actually being worse after being scan-free for a whole year. You sort of get out of the rhythm or something. I will NOT say that everything will be alright, because you and I both know nobody can determine that. ANY time things can NOT be right. That is the very scary part about this all.

I am having a brain MRI too. Ativan is my friend!!!! Also I'm having a few 'new' tests done since I experience a bit more pain than I have been in the past. At any rate, I am hoping to meet you at the pub, if Cindi is ever around to open it up. Hope we can celebrate good news together. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and even prayers. Sometimes I'm not too sure how far my prayers reach, but it's the thought that counts, right ?

I do understand, Geri. Let's both try to put it aside until after the holidays. But that is WAY easier said than done!

Love you anyway,

Kasey

[Ann]

Geri and Kasey.... I can certainly understand why both of you are anxious about your upcoming scans. Just so you know, I've already started saying prayers for great results for both of you!!!

[Ry]

January is when John will get scanned and meet again with the oncologist. I guess we will all be at the pub! Cindi get ready-- we're comin' girl.

[daggiesmom]

Gerri, Kasey and everyone - scan time can be so nerve racking! I'm not even sure when I'm supposed to have another scan because I had them in the hospital in October, rather than sticking to the June/December schedule. So I have to call the onc. office to find out when I should have another. Last week was a trip to the GP and the surgeon - I feel like all I do is go to the drugstore, go to dr. appointments and wait for my daily nurse visit. It all gets on your nerves, that's for sure.

Hoping everyone has good scans - that would be the best Christmas present anyone can have.

Joanie ((()))

[Frank Lamb]

See all you guys at the pub.By that time I will be back on my feet raedy for another golf season.I'll be needing a couple bud lites,a couple chocolate donuts and some company with all you good friends.

We will all celebrate together.

[Don M]

I am not sure how many scans I have had now... a lot. I always just shrugged them off until I actually read them and then did whatever came next. This time, I find myself being grumpy and irritable as I look to my upcoming scan. This is the one that will tell me if my treatment was successful or not. It also will tell me about any new disease or not. Maybe I should go back on the lexapro. My PET/CT scan is Wednesday. I think it will be good news, but I realize that the more times I get cancer the more likely it is that I will get it again. Maybe I should not entertain that thought... it is just one of the dreaded statistics I guess. Actually, today I feel pretty good about it. Tomorrow I start my protein diet for the PET part of the scan.

Anyway, Geri,Kasey and John, I hope your scans bring you good news.

Don M

[MEA]

I have the "heebie jeebies" too. My husband has his PET/CT scan tomorrow. Meets with his pc on Wednesday and the oncologist next Tuesday. He has been in remission since January and is feeling good, but I am a little anxious as he had developed a cough, feels like something is in his ribs, and always feels full.

So prayers going up...God bless us everyone.

Mary

[blaze100]

Hi Geri, PERFECTLY NORMAL to be afraid after all we've been through. I always "act out" a few weeks before test time...I start arguments with everyone, even with the cat if I could.

The closer to test time, the more I rely on the Xanex just to make it through.

BArb

[gail]

right there with you friends! 5 1/2 years and I find myself holding that shoe and wondering if this is the time it will drop.

Which is probably why I am whining about the diet prior to the PET. Ben & Jerry's is usually my friend prior to CT scan day.

gail

[carolhg]

Geri, Kasey,Don

I am praying for the best scan results for all three of you.

Carol

[Geri]

Oh Barb, you certainly started some bells ringing, except the bit about the cat - I'm always nice to him!

I made all these arrangements last week - I don't ususally get involved I just wait for the letter but this time I wanted to arrange it around planned trips to Boston and Toronto.

Since then I've heard the tone of my voice a few times when I've spoken to Richard and it's been a tad testy to say the least. I wondered at the time where it was all coming from (he hadn't pissed me off or anything) bless his heart he didn't retaliate in kind and I know he wouldn't have put it down to my tests yet.

I don't usually get this antsey this early on so I think that for my 2008 appt I'll just let the letter arrive and not be so proactive!

I'm very lucky in that I get all the scans and then see the onc and get all the results, it's a one day affair. Thankfully I don't have to wait a week or whatever to worry some more.

Okay guys, now that Barb has made me recognize my short fuse I shall endeavor to change my tone of voice and stop abusing my poor family - yes, the rest of them could be on the receiving end before long too!!

The holidays are almost here so I shall have to put my Jeykl/Hyde personality away for a few weeks.

Thanks for understanding.

Geri

[chloesmom]

Geri and Kasey,

Hey, I don't go till June and just the very thought gets me nuts, even this far out from the actual appointment. It is so nervewracking for me, I can't even go to work the week before my appt. I always schedule two weeks of vacation at scan time so that I can cope a little better.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know we don't rest until we know everything is ok.

You will both be in my thoughts till this is over for you.

Cindy

[blaze100]

Hi Geri, Yes I start out slowly and gradually work up to being a complete "b-tch" by test time.

Then my hubby says "what is wrong with you? why do you always do you act this way test time?" And that's when I want to take the frying pan to the dear man.

My family and friends don't totally "get" the fear and the pain.... and so I would feel very alone w.o. this group.

Barb

[ernrol]

Geri.

I thought that it was only me that does not like MRI brain scans. Let me tell you what a juvenile like me does.

I lay down put my head back in that nice little cradle and close my eyes. They do not open till I am sitting up at the end.

Next I play with my imagination. I listen to each sound, and then come up with a visual scene. One sound is like an outboard motor, so I see myself on the water in a boat running around a lake. Then there is a sound that I think of a shooting gallery with the targets moving by followed by shots. I get a great score shooting the ducks down. This goes on until the end. You can come up with your own visions. It does make the time go by a little faster.

I had an unusual thing happen with my last scans, I got the results the afternoon that I had the scan. This was not meant to be, but it can be done. I think we should all push for results ASAP.

See what kind of movie you can turn your MRI into.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[ztweb]

Geri,

Bless your heart. I can understand completely what you are thinking. However, I have to say that your family is probably just as preoccupied as you are! I know with my dad I always try to act like everything will be just fine, yet I am SCARED to death all the time.

Girl...you have five years under your belt!!!!! That is fabulous, fabulous, fabulous! May God continue to grant you that peace, and may you have strength today and always!

Jen

[Geri]

Geez Barb.........a frying pan? I try to stay away from the carving knife when he's being particulary annoying!!! Poor soul he doesn't even know he's come so close....ain't it sad!

Well people, posting this has had the desired effect ~~~ I've joked about it enough and feel much better.

I'll get myself through the brain MRI by watching the techs in the control booth and telling myself that I can get through this bit and if I can't I'll just push that friggin' button I'm holding and watch them all run. It works every time, I manage to last all the way through but there's a big sigh of relief when I feel myself moving out.

Added to the enclosure problem is the fact that I chose not to have PCI and at these times I get edgy thinking about the little bugger that may have been hiding all this time - is this the time for it to appear?

Oh my, what shall I do, Richard just went out of town for a few days and there's no one here to get pissy with! :)

Thanks for being here.

Geri

[sharonjo]

Hi Guys,

I just had my scans today. I see my onc next Monday, so that's when I get the results. It is almost 1yr. since diagnosis for me (12/28). I feel good so I'm not too worried, but ya never know do ya? Hope everyone's scans are good and then we can all go and celebrate!

God Bless,

Sharon

[Patkid]

(((Geri)))

You can get pissy w/ me.

I am sturdy.

Love

P

[alexan]

Gery, Best of luck!!!!!

bucky

[Maryanne]

Hi Hyde...oops I mean Geri

There are a lot of fun responses to your post. But I know how serious this is and I also know that you will be fine and you will have a great holiday with your family.

Just make sure your husband carves the turkey not you... But I think it is safe to know that you would have received your good results by then and everyone can relax.

You are going to have a great holiday.

Enjoy!!

Maryanne

[sues]

It is so good to know I'm not the only one that breaks into a cold sweat before scans - I want the scan ( because I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ) and I hate the scan because it tells me what's going on. I also get my results within hours.

I just had my MRI 12/07 not the best or the worst news I've heard since all this started.. and it is so good to know there are others that understand why one day I can cry all day and another I COULD USE THAT FRYING PAY ! My family is all wonderful. I love them all dearely - but this roller coaster we are on is different then theirs.. someone asked me one day if I understood that my family is being affected by all this ... DO YOU THINK ??? I tell them that I can see what it does to them but I can't FEEL how it effects them - the same as they can see how this effects us - but they can't feel this scare either...I really don't want anyone to EVER have to feel this scare..

What a sour post so close to Christmas !!!

SORRY !!!

I start another round of SRS on the 18th for the findings from my MRI.. The brain tumor is still growing.. I guess the 25 rounds of WBR didn't do the trick..

I'm just ready to give up yet !!

I pray for all to have a WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS -PLEASE BE SAFE AND MOST OF ALL ENJOY EACH OTHER.

sue

[Nushka]

I had my last appointment with my radiation oncologist today. Chest xray was clear (will let me know what the radiologist says later). My oncologist released me in June 2006. She said to make sure my PCP was diligent and let her know if I needed anything or wanted her to order any more xrays etc. I feel like my umbilicus has been cut. Happy to be on my on but needing a little security blanket to take the place of that life line. I have lots of confidence in my PCP though and feel like I have been given a miracle.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. It has been 3 years and 10 months since dx. I never thought I would be alive this Christmas. Its all because of you and others praying for me. I just wish I knew what I was left here to do. I feel I owe alot somewhere.

Nina

[Frank Lamb]

Sue,don't give up the ship.It is hard to have to keep fighting back but I have found that each time I have gotten thru the adversities it has bought me pretty good ouality time.Good luck with the upcoming SRS's.

Nina,congratulations on the clean x-rays I am very happy for you,especially at this time of year.Don't stop being diligent tho.I also would not depend only on x-rays alone.

[Geri]

Good news Nina, I can understand why it's scary to be signed off but wonderful to be 'clean'.

Don't worry about the 'sour post' Sue, just consider this your frying pan post. I understand completely after all I started this whiny thread when I could have just sucked it up and got on with my Christmas shopping.

I'm feeling much better for having aired my feelings to the only people who understand and I hope it gives you some comfort too.

Happy holidays everyone.

Geri