Nick C Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 At 7:20 this morning I still wasn't out of bed...I thought about staying there all day because I wasn't ready to get up and start what would be the second half of the first year without my mother. There has already been and will be a lot of tears today. How has it been 6 months since my phone rang and it was her on the other end? How has it been that long since I said I love you and got an I love you back from her? How have I managed without her there as my Rock through a rough 6 months? How am I ever going to enjoy children? Who am I going to turn to when kids aren't the easiest thing to do? Is she OK? Have the signs of her really been her? Will I see her again? My faith says yes to those 3. But that's tough sometimes. She was so funny. So much fun. We were so alike and as I got older we were getting moreso. Mom, this world isn't nearly as fun without you...not as easy without you. I miss our banter...I miss your stories of your work day. I miss your voice and smile. I miss the love of a Mom. And I am just SO sorry for all those who have had loved ones lost to or diagnosed with this disease. I feel everything you write and am often moved to tears. But your sharing has helped me. It's part of how I've made it through. A big part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 I could have recently written the same words. I want to say thank you for being here, your mom raised a wonderful son, it shows through in all of your posts. You offer a ton of support here. I'm sorry it hurts so bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 Sorry Nick. I have confidence in your ability to get 'through' it......though the hurt may remain. It does get better....not necessarily easier though. I truly believe that you WILL enjoy children because you most certainly enjoyed being a great son! ((())), Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 Nick-- I hurt with you today. And the way you describe your Mom... Well, me too with mine. Maybe they've met up and are cutting it up together, keeping tabs on us? That makes me smile... but I ache for them both to be with us. I pray this day will be gentle for you. As gentle as it can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trish2418 Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 I'm sending lots of prayers for comfort your way, Nick. I'm sure your Mom is watching you just as proud as can be at the way you give of yourself so easily to others on this board. You're gonna be one fantastic dad. Take care of yourself today. Trish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nhnikki Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 Hi Nick, I was just saying the same thing to My Mom lastnight, I can't believe Dad has been gone for 27days, it seems just like last week. I have all the same questions as you but do believe he is in heaven and is in a better body and is extremly happy which is what helps me get through this. I have read some great book that help and have more coming in the mail. I have never been so interested in the afterlife as I am now even though I have always gone to church and knew someday I would go to heaven but now I just NEED to know more. These are the books: 90 minutes in heaven - true story Hello from heaven Engagin the light My last breath I am here if you want to talk, just email me. Nicole in NH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegirl Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 I'm so sorry Nick. I wish I could make this easier for you. Your mom raised a great son. I know you hate the idea of raising kids without her around to help, but I KNOW you are going to be a GREAT dad (when the time comes). She's already given you a wonderful example to follow, and though it will be sad to go through something so big without her, she's already given you all the tools you need. You are a patient, compassionate, caring person and that's all it takes to make a great dad. The other stuff will all fall into place, you will see. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen1 Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 Nick, I'm sorry you are hurting. I do get it. You do such a wonderful job of putting your feelings into words. And often you say what I am thinking or feeling but struggling with the right words. Your Mom is so proud of you, I just know it. You offer so much support to everyone here and you are making a difference when it comes to this disease. She is still here - she is with you every step of the way and all the wonderful things about her shine through you for the rest of the world to see. I do understand, my Mom has been gone 7 months 6 days now. It bites!!! I think we have to believe that all those signs we wonder about are real - our Mom's gave us our ears and eyes.Everything we experience is a sign that they are still very much with us. I don't word things as well as you but I hope you know what I mean. Have a blessed day and be kind to yourself. Thanks for all that you do here and for all of us. k Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 (((((((Nick))))))) So very sorry you are having a rough day. It seems that every one of these dates/timelines are so damned hard to deal with. But, if it helps any at all, I must say that I completely agree with your Dad about the answers to your three questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 Nick, You brought me to tears thinking about you and your mom. I don't know how I have made it almost a year without the love of my life--my soulmate. It hurts. You have every right to stay in bed every now and then. It helps us move forward if we can rest and reflect now and then. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted April 5, 2007 Share Posted April 5, 2007 You were loved by your mom, and we love you, too. You have an amazing ability to take the pain you have gone through and use what you have learned to help others. You are so strong, but you aren't afraid to admit when you are down, too. I pray for you to get through this day. I lost my father many years ago, and I can tell you that the whole in your heart doesn't ever fully go away, but it does get filled in. It gets filled in when you can remember moments with a laugh instead of a tear. It gets filled in with the love you experience from others...yes, even children who eventually come along. Jimmy Buffett (my hero) sings of the loss of his grandfather: "And though I cried I was so proud / to have loved a man so rare..." Our great grief is equivalent to the great love we are missing. I'm rambling, but I care. Take care of yourself. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladybug Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 I'm so sorry Nick. My dad has been gone 2 months now, and I hate that my two little kids won't remember the wonderful grandpa they had for such a short time. I talk about him all the time and what he would have said, felt, etc. If I continue to do this at least they will know some of who he was. I'm sure when kids come along for you (I'm sure they will- a man like you is meant to be a dad) you will talk all about their grandma that is in heaven and who she was. Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crystleshoe Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 oh Nick I am so sorry for your pain. You responded to one of my first posts and I know that I have always been comforted by your words. I have the same ???? since my mom passed away. My biggest fear is that she is "stuck" somewhere and cant get to her final resting place but then I am reminded that her faith was just too strong for that to happen to her. I am sure your mom is looking down on you with such pride. You are such a kind and gentle man I think you will be a great dad. We are all a sum of our parts and you are part of your mom and she is part of you so I think you will know what to do. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j's girl Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 Nick, I am so sorry you're feeling like this right now. I've read some of the signs you've posted and I absolutely think your Mom was there. I kind of feel like we've been on this "grief journey" together. Our losses happened about a month a part. I feel like I know you. And I've read a few posts about your thoughts on parenthood. One day I actually thought to myself "This is why Nick should have kids". It was a day that I felt especially low until my two year old got me up and dancing in the kitchen. His laughter and joy is the absolute best medicine. Shauna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martha02 Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 Hi Nick, I really feel your pain. I don't have my mom anymore to turn to when I need advice about the kids but you do find the way to go on I promise, so don't be scare to have them, like I told you before kids fill your life with joy, if wasn't for them I might have had a harder time to go on. I agree with you with the 3 questions too, we need to believe that's all we got. I was sooo close to my mom and I still can't believe that she is gone but the pain gets easier to digest with time. take care of yourself! Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEA Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 ((Nick)) Thinking of you tonight and sending up prayers that you will find comfort. When you're ready to be a Daddy, you will experience such tremendous love and joy through them (just the way your mother did through you). Keep the faith, Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmust Posted April 6, 2007 Share Posted April 6, 2007 Nick, I understand completely! I am having one of those days today myself. Today would have been Joe's 40th birthday. I woke up at 4am, stood in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and started sobbing. Took me awhile to get my self together. I think about him constantly and wonder how I made it this far. The world definetly is not the same without our passed loved ones. When you said "how am I ever going to enjoy children" believe me you will! They (note that I say they....more than one!) will be constant reminders of your mother. You will see her in them everyday and what a joy that will be! Hang in there and please know we are all thinking of you! Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomsGirl Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 (((( Nick ))))... What you wrote about your mom being fun and you guys having fun together - it just shines through in your picture. I thought from the first time I saw it that she looks like quite a character, with a gleam in her eye...and you guys look like you are both up to something! My husband had the same kind of relationship with his mom, and oh, does he miss her. They gave each other such hard time and cracked each other up. There is a mystical connection between a mother and son anyway (my firstborn and I are so bonded)...and if you are blessed enough to have that level of humor and love, well, it doesn't get much better. I understand your pain over having children, you so want to share her with them, and vice versa. Yes, it will be bittersweet, but I PROMISE you that they will bring you such joy and they will ease your pain. I think that your natural protective instincts and overwhelming love you feel the minute your first baby is born will strengthen you, I really do. I hope that tomorrow is a better day...I feel your pain... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted April 7, 2007 Share Posted April 7, 2007 Hi Nick, We all know the special relationship you had with your beautiful mom. You were so lucky to have that kind of bond. Many of us were not a fortunate. I just want you to know that I feel your pain and now since a couple of days have passed since you post you are feeling better. Thinking of you and I hope you have a nice Easter. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 (((Nick))) I know how much you loved your mom, I am sure she was so proud to have a son like you..YES, we will see them again, you know that!! Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for your peace and comfort.. Love, Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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