Nancy B Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Tonight is only the second time I have cried over my second diagnosis. I don't like being bald and hats are soooo claustrophobic and besides that it is 98 degrees here. I just don't feel comfortable being bald in front of my husband so I always wear a hat for him. He says he doesn't care, he will get use to it. But I do. (Self-esteem problem, I guess). The chemo is causing muscle weakness and I am always so tired. I haven't even started the radiation yet. (PCI and lung). Not sure what triggered the pity party tonight but I just keep crying. The first time they told me that they got all of the cancer - no chemo-radiation - "just get on with your life". Well, I did and 4 years later I get small cell (the first was nsclc). Nobody is being so optimistic this time around. I feel really scared and kinda sad. I am so glad you guys are here to talk to - I don't really have anyone else that really understands. My family and friends are very supportive but they really only want to hear how well I am doing. Thanks for listening and my prayers are with all you guys. Love and hugs, Nancy B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, You are absolutely entitled to an occasionally pity party. They are necessary to shake some of those worry cobwebs out of our heads and let us move forward. You are going through a rough time, and these treatments are not for sissies. Remember that there are many people here who are praying hard that these treatments are successful. Regarding the hat, didn't your wedding vows say for better or worse, sickness and health and thou shall not wear hats in the house. My vows said, No pink sponge rubber curlers. Your husband will get used to the new you and may find it very attractive. Try it. Hope you are feeling better this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bean_si (Not Active) Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Cry all you want, Nancy. I think everyone here understands there are times when the sadness gets so heavy it's almost unbearable. So cry - but keep fighting, okay? Maybe the doctors aren't optimistic but that doesn't mean you can't beat it. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chloesmom Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, I think you're entitled to some tears and a pity party--I sure did my share over all this. I can totally understand the not liking to be bald, and not liking a hat, but it will be worth the inconvenience when you come through on the other side of all this and start feeling better. That tiredness and weakness is just a temporary side effect of the chemo, and believe me, once it's over with, you should start feeling better really, really soon. When I joined the board about a year ago, after surgery and before chemo, you were the first person to PM me, and I always have looked at your story with hope for myself because we had the same initital diagnosis. I still look at you that way. I sure do hope you feel better. This will pass. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Dear Nancy, You are a trooper and are fighting a good fight. Hair, while being very important for our self-image, is not why your husband married you, I'm sure! I remember being very tired too, and achey, but it did pass over time. Take time to rest and crying does help relieve stress. You are grieving your situation, just like we all have. Maybe the dr. can give you procrit to boost your red cells and give you energy. I'll keep you in my prayers. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy....those tears may well be partly triggered too...by the steroids. My last cycle of chemo, I cried for a full week. Everything made me cry. I showed up at day 2 of chemo in tears and one sweet nurse sat with me for 20 minutes while I blubbered. At the end of that week, my youngest son flew in from Chicago to surprise me. I hadn't seen him since Christmas....so that brought on a new flood. Every time I looked at him or spoke to him, all weekend long, I would end up in tears. Just let them flow...and try to look for something to lift you out of the funk. For me, it was the new scans done in radiation that showed some shrinkage. My mood immediately improved. I understand how it feels lousy to be so weepy...as for me, it feels like I'm losing the emotional battle with the cancer. I'd much rather be in a strong frame of mind because that makes me feel in charge...like I'm winning the fight with the cancer. But....sometimes those tears have to flow in order for us to get beyond them....so don't be too hard on yourself. As for the bald business....BELIEVE your hubby. I think some guys really think bald is sexy! Matter of fact.....somebody sent me a card in the mail....UNSIGNED, no less.....that said, "Bald women are hot!" and I have NO CLUE who sent it. So far, no one will admit it. Hang in there sweetie....and remember....the fact that this was caught in limited stage is a real gift. We can beat it....and we're certainly going to give it our best try....right? PM me if you want...or email me. I'm just a tad further down the road with the small cell but maybe it will help to talk. So you know...I'm in for day one of round four of chemo today...so won't be around till later this afternoon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 I had chemo with the 2nd breast cancer--the first was radiation only, great prognosis, and then WHAM Anyway, I absolutely hated my wig. HATED IT!!! Loved my hats though, and luckily for me it was winter, so my head was cold. I went to a support group one night and I was the only breast cancer survivor in the room who was not in a wig. And that really bothered me. If we cannot show our bald heads to each other, what does that say???? And then I started seeing all the men who shave their heads just because. Why do we think we need to torture ourselves. When I returned to work, I complained at lunch that my wig was really irritating. My dear friends told me to take it off, and I did. It was laways a joke at the end of lunch when I put my hair back on before picking the kids up from their lunch. I strongly, strongly, strongly say go bald, at least in your home. As for the emotions, I suffered through the first two cancers with very little help, and I was miserable. Then someone introduced me to ativan, and life got a little easier. With the lung cancer, I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depressents, with an ativan chaser when life was crashing down. I am now only on Zoloft. I also found a therapist through my medical center. For months I just cried for an hour. I still see her, 3 years later. I also listened to anything by Bernie Siegel on tape. And did his meditation tapes daily for a while. To this day his voice calms me. I am so glad you shared your pain. That is the most important thing any of us can do for ourselves. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Oh Nancy, I got tears reading your message. Oh Sweetie, you know that this cancer can be beat. WE KNOW THIS CANCER CAN BE BEAT!!! I wish I could reach to California and give you a hug! (((((((((NANCY)))))))))! If only that would take away your worries and fears. But, I hope it helps you to know your not alone with this. I'm also sorry your having some side effects with this chemo. Lets just pray it gets better for you as time goes on. (((((NANCY)))))). I'm sending you lost of hugs and adding extra prayers that you'll be feeling better real soon! Bald is BEAUTIFUL!!! Love, Hope and Support, Connie B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MayFrog Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Hi Nancy, Believe me, I've had a crying jag or two myself.....seems like it comes out of nowhere, but I know I've never cried like that before--really sobbing til I practically lost my breath. It has to be a combination of chemo, emotional turmoil, fear, hormonal changes.....whatever. I know that in my immediate family, I am always viewed as the "strong one"...the one who everyone else calls with their problems. Now it's a little tough, to say the least, to keep up that front. Seems I can't talk to them about my fears, because, like you, they only seem to want to hear the good news. My husband seems to be the only one I can really depend on, no matter what mood i'm in. As far as the hair loss....I lost most of my hair, and what was left made me look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings...just a few strands here and there. I said the heck with it....and had my husband cut and shave the rest of it off!! I hate hats, don't mind bandannas/scarves, though. I go bald in the house....I figure hair loss is the least of my problems right now. As they say, Bald is Beautiful! Keep the faith........cry when you want to.......but I also would ask about some anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds.....they DO help. Thinking of you, Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, I am sure everyone that visits this board have cried over this monster so girl...just let it loose! It's amazing how sometimes you fell much better after you just let the tears flow for a while! I even go outside and scream every now and then to let pressure off! I agree with what everyone else here has said...your husband is in love with you, not your hair. You just hang in and hang onto us! This group is great at pulling people up and out of down times!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geri Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 From my lofty perch almost 3yrs from dx I empathize with everything everyone is saying. My radiation onc came in for his weekly meeting with me said hi, how are you and I burst into tears..poor man didn't know where to put himself for a moment! This, I found, was a new normal for me, days of deep dispair followed by a crying jag and then it would all be over for a while. My poor husband would sit at the dinner table wondering if this was to be the day that I had to empty my tear ducts! Sometimes it was but most of the time it wasn't - just like to keep him on his toes I guess!! When I started to lose my hair I was determined not to have the mangy dog look (didn't find this too appealing a look at the cancer center) the first thing I did was shave my head with a number one attachment (about 1/4 inch of hair). Then I found that showers were much easier to handle without the falling hair. I had a wig ready and several hats and bandanas. This was winter and I needed to be prepared.....The wig was very expensive and apparently looked real (seemed like a flashing light declaring "wig" to me) and I wore it twice. The hats I tried a few more times in public and then said to myself its their problem if they don't like my look. I had told my husband that if he didn't like the bald look I would cover up, he didn't mind it and I kept it! No more bad hair days and I could be ready in the morning before him. Everyone handles the hair thing their own way, just do what makes you comfortable and the rest of the world will handle it. I saw a lot of people with hair that looked far more bizare than my almost bald head. If the depression is getting to you get some help from the hospital, I was offered it and had sessions when I needed them. Stay strong, I'm making it so can you. Geri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, I'm glad you posted your feelings. Good move. Lucie is also bothered with the high 90's heat and the humidity as she goes through her second chemo. The combination wipes her out, but she continues to function and do what she can. Blessings. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BJ Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Hi Nancy, I hope you feel better today. If you want to cry, cry and have all the pity parties you want. Next time please invite me. I understand the bald issue. My hair has not grown back enough for me to be comfortable not wearing a wig or scarf. My husband thinks I should stop wearing the wig but I can't. It took all the will power I could muster to start wearing the wig now I can let it go. This weekend was the first time I went out in public without a wig or scarf. I was looking at everyone to see if they were looking at me and no one was looking at me. But Monday morning I put it back on for work and it was close to 90 degrees yesterday. So please don't feel your all alone. BJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy you have good reason to have a pity party so whoop it up! Four years is a long time to have NED in your home & then have him move out. I had a pitty party the other day with my dog Ole. Thank god he is here. I still don't know what triggered it. I also didn't care to wear hats so I went bald. I received more comments on what a lovely shaped head I had. Sure, I had & still do have people that stare at me especially children. I just smile a big one and they smile back. It's much easier doing this in the summer when it's hot. If you need a website for not so gaudy hats go look up Hats with Heart. Look for the turban section. I use the red one I think 3rd to the right. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy,It is ok to cry.Any time ,anywhere.So far as the bald goes I don't get bothered by it(not bald rite now) But that is easy for a guy to say,I don't think that bothers men as much as women ????( not sure tho).I one of those guys that wears hats or bandannas all the time anyway.As for people staring at us,I guess you just need stared at alot to get used to it if thats possible.HECK!!! I would rather be stared at than MOWED over.Hang in there and glad you came here to vent.We all love ya and depend (sounds like a diaper) on your support and inspiration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Oh, a good ol' pity party now and then is good for the soul, I think. Maybe you should get someone to paint a little smiley face on the back of your bald head, and then just expose it when you feel like it. Ha. I've managed to not lose my hair during chemo and chest radiation, but when I get to the PCI, it will go for sure, so I'll finally get to use all the hats and wigs I got, thinking I would lose it long ago. Amazingly, I was ready for that early on, and it's not such a big deal to me now. You sound AOK to me, just having a down spell. You're entitled! I'll send some mental smiles your way, but fully expect you to put on your own smiles soon. Dianne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, Crying IS okay, even for us "tough ol' broads" - ESPECIALLY those of "us" that ain't that old! I HATE crying, I used to cry only when I was p*ssed...let it all build up when it was sadness, frustration, etc. Girl, that AIN'T good for you! Here's my suggestion (and I know I've posted it before): Turn off the phone (or assign someone else to answer it), fill the tub and add bath salts, light candles, set up a CD player on "repeat" with some soft music, glass (or bottle!) of wine...hop in, kick back, lose yourself in the music, and cry....cry until you are "empty", cry until that band around your heart loosens up...(keep adding hot water if your water starts to cool off)... Get out and towel off with a soft towel, put on a big bathrobe, fluffy slippers and relax on the bed - maybe even fall asleep. If you feel that what you are going through with tears at the ready is too much, talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressants...but only if you feel you have too much on your plate. I do suggest counseling, it helps. Take care, Nancy. I'm pulling for you. xxoo Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Nancy, I echo what Becky said about a nice soak. Baths are for privacy. Let the darned phone ring, if you need to. It is there for YOUR convenience.! Meds and counseling are a good idea if you can't shake the blues. Remember the chemo and stress also mess with your hormone levels, and can set you off that way. Try distractions, too -- good mystery, rented movies, jigsaw puzzle. We love you, and know what a rough ride this is. (((((((((((((((Nancy)))))))))))))))))))) Chin up kiddo, XOXOXOXXOX MaryAnn PS I liked the turbans too, I got mine at AmCancer Soc's TLC catalog. I had a really nice terrycloth one, lightweight and comfortable. Baby blue! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slinaresholz Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Hello Nancy, Sorry things are bothering you right now. Hope everything goes okay for you. The hat business is very understandable to us women. Our hair is our crowning glory. I understand it usually grows back even nicer when you're done with chemo, so you have that to look forward to. My cousin wore a little hat when she had chemo for breast cancer. Hers is all grown back now. My Mom 's hair just got thinner. If it cheers you up, treat yourself to a little wig. I've been a little worried myself that my cancer might be getting worse. Every new ache and pain, I worry myself sick. Last night I stayed up till six o'clock in the morning reading information from the site: Thoracic surgery". According to that I don't have the chance of a snowball in hell since I had one lymph node in the mediastum positive,. Then the hospital I did the surgery at sent a form for a survey of people with advanced lung cancer. That made me feel like a million bucks!. Anyway, we should cheer up and treat ourselves to something nice to take our mind off this business. I think they do have good luck with chemo on the small cell cancer and it is not extensive for you, it is limited so that is very hopeful. Best wishes! S haron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nancy B Posted August 4, 2004 Author Share Posted August 4, 2004 I just can't tell you guys how much you mean to me. All of your kind words and encouragment - just knowing that I am not the only one feeling these things helps so much. I am feeling better today. Not quite sure what triggers these little episodes. Fortunately they don't happen too often. So many good suggestions to follow - I am going to try them all. Went for my blood test today and red and white counts are still down. Got another shot of Aranesp and hopefully they will be up by next week so chemo won't have to be postponed. Do you suppose being anemic and so tired might have something to do with my emotional state? After I posted last night I was feeling alittle, I don't know, pathetic. I guess my imagination just went wild and I was thinking the "worst case scenario". Things always look better in the daylight to me. I am just glad you guys are here when it gets dark. I am been involved in support groups before but you guys are THE BEST! Thanks so much - always praying for us all. Love and hugs, Nancy B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I dare you to find one person on this board who will testify that they have never let their imagination run wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was anemic after a bleeding episode during chemo, and spent 11 days in ICU. Yes, I was a little down. Every morning in the hospital I asked for two tylenol (hospital bed back pain), and an ativan. It was the only thing that kept me sane. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I say cry all you want!I think you have every reason to and it relieves the tension anyway. I wish my husband would cry, but whenever he gets near to tears he chokes them down ..this "stiff upper lip" "men don"t cry thing" you know. Thank goodness many modern parents are teaching their sons that they can cry too sometimes! I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. Paddy PS, Your post and the replies you have received give an answer to Peggy's question as to "Why we are here!" At least I think that is what the title was!P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Went for my blood test today and red and white counts are still down. Got another shot of Aranesp and hopefully they will be up by next week so chemo won't have to be postponed. Do you suppose being anemic and so tired might have something to do with my emotional state? You betcha being anemic and tired has something to do with it!! My "meltdown" week when all I could do was cry....when I had my bloodwork done on Friday, my rbc was low and I had my first Aranesp shot. I think when you feel so draggy physically, it's bound to have an effect on emotions too! And sometimes, Nancy....don't you find that it helps JUST KNOWING what it is that accounts for how we feel? It's when we don't really know what is causing our feelings...that they seem harder to deal with, don't you think? If we know it's because our counts are low...or it's because of the meds or chemo itself....or whatever the reason is....it just helps knowing that there IS a valid reason for it. It also helps to know that others have been there too....eh? Nighttimes are always the hardest. Sometimes I get up and read...lose myself in a book. But I always tell myself that come morning...things will seem better. And they always do. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better...but gladder still that you can come here and find a few hands to hold when you don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Nancy, I certainly can't comment on how it feels to be the one that has this disease and the emotions that would result. I can't even imagine the fear and worry that could pass in and out of your mind. I can identify from a caregiver's standpoint, though. Today, I'm very "up" about my husband's disease, but tomorrow you might find me wallowing in worry. It seems like our emotions just have a mind of their own. Just when I think I'm in control - POWEE!!! Right in the kisser! I'm so glad you're feeling better today. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Nancy- I just wanted you to know-I believe in you. Nancy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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