SBeth Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Hi Everyone, Despite what it probably has seemed, I've been around, just lurking mostly and trying to keep up on how everyone else has been doing. Tomorrow (or today depending on what time zone you are in) will mark 5 months since Bill's death. I never thought I would make it this far, but Ginny and Peggy...you guys were right...one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I really didn't do my heavy duty grieving until this past month...and I'm still trying to find my way thru, it's hard. I had surgery in early April and it was very very difficult to be back in a hospital. The sounds of the monitors and nurse call buttons and bed motors and the smell of alcohol and iodine and sterile gauze...it was all too much. Then there was coming home, lots of company (just like the old days with Bill and everyone stopping in to spend time with him), my house had been a ghost town since his death. I hadn't spent more than 15 minutes in our family room since December. It was too hard to go in there and not see him sitting there reclined on the couch. So...here I come home and I have to sleep in a reclined position for a week; hence the grief hits home. I spent a great deal of time alone, sitting in his seat, feeling my own healing physical wounds (which pale in comparison to all he went thru)and thinking of how few times he ever complained of the pain. Here I sat for almost two weeks going stir crazy, stuck on the couch and bored with books, television, internet; just wanting conversation and thinking of how few times he ever complained of the boredom. My husband was an incredibly wonderful strong and courageous man and I don't care what any therapist says, I'm not putting him up on any pedestal that he doesn't belong on. I miss him beyond my ability to express. I've made some changes in the past few weeks. I considered selling the house, mostly because of my fear of my family room; but as I've overcome that fear, I've decided to stay...for now. I went on a furniture shopping spree and I love all my choices and I think Bill would have liked SOME of them too. My big change is that I started my new assignment today and I think I made the right decision. It's taken two months for my transition, but my first day went well and I know that Bill is looking down on me and very proud of the way I've kept my promise to go on. Well, that's my update and as soon as all the chaos in work and homelife settles a bit, I'll be back to posting. My prayers and thoughts are always with all of you! Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Beth,I am very glad you are getting by ok even if it is doing so day by day. Hoping you heal quickly from your surgery and wishing you well with your new position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 The 23 of this month is 4 months for me w/o Deb. I think you are doing great, all things considered. Saying prayers and good to hear from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdjenkins Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Hi Beth, It is good to hear from you. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you are moving through the grief. You are such a strong woman! Glad to hear you are back to work and enjoying your new assignment. Glad you have decided to stay put in your house for now. Mom has been making changes to her house lately too. It was good to hear you are doing the same. It helps me to realize this is part of the grieving process. She just needs to learn she is close to 70 and can't do it all herself. She is scheduled for hip surgery on August 7th. I want her to have this surgery so she can be pain free and enjoy her life. I'm also a little scared to be back in the hospital setting. Lots of bad memories. I pray for no complications. Hope you are enjoying the nice Spring weather and have a great Mother's Day! Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Beth, I am just in AWE of all who have lost loved ones and continue on. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time................HOWEVER you do it......................that's the right way. Ya know, lots of days that's the SAME way I get through too.......one tiny step at a time. I CANNOT imagine going on without the love of your life..........I just can't. But you ARE, and I think that is awesome! Sorry to hear you had to be in the hospital. I sure hope you are feeling well..............obviously you are to be on new assignment. Good for you, Beth. Through you I feel I came to know Bill a little, and ya know...........knowing he's not there with you makes me sad too. New furniture sounds good to me. And glad the family room isn't so much off limits. It definitely is one step at a time. Glad you checked in today. Keep us updated on how you're doing. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 (((((((((((my friend))))))))))))) Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkelley Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Beth, Please know that I pray for you and wish you more "better" than "hard" days as time goes by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Beth, It ain't easy - no way, no how. But I think that knowing how much those wonderful men loved us and how much they wanted us to be happy is important. We each make the decision about moving or staying. I moved, house and land way too big, Peggy stayed and renovated. It is time to make this yours, a place of peace and comfort for you. I hope whatever you had is 'all better'. From a 20 month perspective I will tell you it gets easier but it does really surprise me how tough it still is. But we are a small (and drop dead gorgeous) group of caregiver survivors and how wonderful how strongly we are here for each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaffie Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Beth, It is good to see you post but I'm so sorry you are so down and out emotionally. I know the loss of a spouse can only be truly understood by someone who has gone through the experience but please know that my thoughts are with you. I hope the surgery was a complete success and you will be up and abut in no time. Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 (((((Beth))))) I've probably read your posts about 10 times now and have been trying to decide what to say. You did such a very wonderful job (as always) of putting your feelings into words. That's often so very hard to do and even harder to use words that others will be able to understand what you are feeling. I know what you are feeling and also can confirm that it's terrible. Like Peggy, I did a ton of changing around at my house. I think the first thing to go was his recliner. Every time I would enter the house, I would see that chair and imagine him sitting there. Unfortunately, most of the "chair memories" were very painful ones, as that chair was bought to help relieve the pain from the mets to his spine. My youngest son took the chair to his house. That chair has now become my son's favorite chair. He looks so much like his dad that it's hard to even see him sitting in it. I just want you to know that you and the other CGS (caregiver survivors) are never far from my heart, my prayers and my thoughts. Woow...leave it to Ginny to come up with such a fitting name for us...caregiver survivors. I really like that...having a name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geri Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I'm so glad that your healing is beginning, I cannot imagine the pain of your loss. I hope the physical healing from your hospital stay goes well. Take care Geri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatlyn Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 ((((Beth)))) Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I continue to keep you in prayer. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 Hi Beth, It was so good to see your post. We go on with our everyday lives with our love ones and the ones that lost theirs we just assume they are coping okay. Some post some don't. But it is so glad to see your post and know that you are coping. Bless you... Good luck with your new career that should keep you busy and I know that helps. Furniture shopping is good, shopping is always good for the soul. Please take care of yourself and heal physically and mentally. I think about you and know that this is so hard. I never want to walk in your shoes. Peace be with you Beth. Please check in from time to time to let us know how you are doing. Even if you are having a bad day we are always here to lend you our shoulders or to just give you some big cyber hugs. Take care.... Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted May 10, 2006 Share Posted May 10, 2006 I am glad you checked in and let us know how things are going. One day at a time sounds like a good plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Dear Beth, I wrote about two paragraphs here this morning, but my boss came out and I had to do something right away, so I just deleted it. Can't imagine why he would think I should have to work . I thought he was paying me just because I'm "drop dead gorgeous". Thanks, Ginny! That line made me smile - and I needed it! Beth, I wish I had words of comfort, but I'm struggling to find them. About the best I can do is send you a huge hug. I still haven't hit that point where it feels any easier. Other than keeping as busy as I possibly can, with as many projects as I can find, and spending more money than I should, I just don't have any words of wisdom. I don't know about you, but just knowing there is a Ginny, Pat, Ann, Randy, Karen, Tina, Lynne, and myself, and so many more, feeling and experiencing every single day the same things, is very comforting to me. I hope and pray that you can draw from the collective energy of everyone here and keep moving forward. Love you, girlfriend! Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Beth, Just know that I care. I'm glad that you posted and let us know how you are... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Beth-Glad to see your post-I saw the one in General forum and came to this one to see what it was you wrote. You wrote it beautifully. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it Love Cindy (I do not read this forum often, You are right. I have enough worries that this forum is upsetting to me at times.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Beth, Thanks for checking in, hope your on the mend from your surgery, it must have been really hard to go through.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Beth, Thank you for updating us. Your post strikes home in many ways, inspires me in many ways and overall makes me feel normal. Take care and know that you are loved here. I think of you often. Love and prayers, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 You are loved here, Beth! You were so brave during the "fight", and you are so brave to share such raw emotions. I know you have touched many people with your honesty. Prayers, hugs, and all good things being sent your way. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonni Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Beth I feel you pain...honest I do...my prayers are with you to handle your grief until it becomes much easier for you....One consalation...YOU WILL see him again...and you go ahead and make use or his rocker and feel him right next to you...hugs..PamS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa O Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 It sounds like you are doing a great job keeping your promise, one minute, one day, one week at a time. I am so sorry you have to miss him at all, but I am sure he is very proud of your strength and resolve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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