kimmek Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 To all the WONDERFUL people at LCHELP. I have been away far far too long, but knew when I came back I would just be overwhelmed with the news I was sure to find, so I just stayed away. First on August 8th my son died of an accidental overdose. He had been in the Behavioral Health hospital here in Tyler for depression and suicidal thoughts. He was dismissed from there one day at 2pm being told by the doctor to go home and "deal with it". We first went to my mom's to see her and I am guessing while there he took some of her Oxycontin and along with the Xanax the dr had perscribed him he took them both later that night. He had come to my room about 1am, talking and happy, looking forward to tomorrow and getting himself help elsewhere. He laid on my bed to wait for the shower as his sister was in it. He immediatly fell asleep, breathing really loud and weird. Having never slept with him before I thought it was just the way he snored. I got up with my pillow knowing I coulnt sleep with that noise and went to the living room. About 5am I got up to go to moms as I did everyday and never even turned the light on as I didnt want to wake him. I do not recall him "snoring" at that time, although I think I remember hearing him. I went on to Moms and went about my day and went to work ( I was working p/t for Meals on Wheels)When I came home about noon and walked in to my room, he was in the exact position he was in when he laid down and I immediatly "knew". The thing Ihad always wondered how I would deal with was Jason being able to deal with my Mom's death when that day came. They were extremely close, I have actually never seen a grandmother love a grandchild in the way they shared. Telling her that he died was absolutly the worst thing I have ever had to do, I had to all an ambulance when I told her as she wouldnt breath. It never occured to me that it would end up the other way around, with me trying tohelp her deal with his death. ALthough Mom's cancer had never returned, her days were filled with living in end stage COPD. I cared for her daily along with home health nurses. I truly thought she was medically doing better, but she really never recovered after my sons death. I think she tried to be strong for me as I did the same for her. The weird thing was that although Mom called me on a average of 10 times a day everyday, she never called inthe middle of the night, as she knew I had horrible sleep habits and never wanted to take a chance waking me. We argued about that many times as it didnt matter what time it was if she needed something. The night/morning she died she called me at 130am. She had been pretty confused that previous 2 weeks ro so as to the times and days. Even doubling up on her meds, thinking it was time to take them, when in fact she already had. I just watched that area closer and chalked it all up to grief. Anyway at 130 she calls and wanted to know what time it is, I tell her and she is like I know, but is it morning or afternoon? I was lIke mom its dark out...kinda laughing. We talked a bit and she seemed fine and alert, and even expressed an interest ingetting out and going to a garage sale the next moening with me. MInd you she had been nowhere other than doctors in well over a year. But she had really been feeling better. So we hung up witht he plan of me going over as I did every morning and helping her get a bath and going to the garage sale. I didnt bother calling her that morning as was normal as well, since she knew I was coming early, even stopping at Walgreens for some nice lotion and bath stuff for her. When I arrive about 830, I walk in and again "knew". She was in her recliner where she lived pretty much the last 4 months as getting in and out of bed was just difficult as well as trying to breath in a laying down position. I know she had been up as the butter was out where she had made toast and her morning meds were taken. I am not sure if this was something she did at 130am or if she woke about 5 or so which was normal for her to do, She would get up then and take her meds, insulin etc and go back to sleep till I got there. This way her meds had a chance to start working and she felt better when it was time to get up. Her oxygen had come off her nose, but I dont know if that happened before or after. The day before she had mentioned her blood sugar was really low but she said it was better. She alaways had high blood sugar. I dont know, I didnt have an autopsy done as I figured she was finally at peace and with Jason where she wanted to be. She was no longer gasping for breath or dependent on me for everything. The paramedics thought she had been dead a couple of hours, so the 5am scenerio fits. I have no regrets. I know I gave her the best 2 1/2 yrs of my life caring for her. I know there was nothing else I could have done to make her life better. I honestly think though she died of a broken heart, her will to live left when Jason did. Thats ok, I can live with that knowing they are forever together. One other thing that has happened to me, but this is a good thing. I had started college in August. I started right after Jason died but he was my biggest supporter besides my mom and I knew he wouldnt have wanted me to put it off, so I began. Somehow thru all this I have managed to only miss one afternoon which was the day before Moms funeral and I am passing all my classes, which amazes me, I have been very grateful to have had school to keep me occupied and busy. I know how proud my Mom was of me and she is watching over me so I will finish and become the nurse she dreamed of me being. I am sorry this was so long, it wasnt my intention to write a book when I sat down, but this is the first time I have even talked at length about all this to anyone, so I guess it was something I needed to get out. One other quick thing. When Jason died he was cremated and not knowing what to "do" I had decided I wanted to have him buried withmy mom whenever her time came. I knew she wanted to be cremated as well. She knew my plans and was very happy with them. Sometimes I think she was just in a hurry to get to Jason as she knew they would be together. Anyway their remains are buried together in beautiful spot under a tree really close to where her father is buried. I knew I would need a place to go and didnt want thier ashes scattered. I am having a beautiful marker made that seperates the 2, but yet together. I was so happy to be able to do this, and even more happy that all my small family had no problem with it. Anyone who knew my Mom or my son knew how they felt about each other. Its this thought alone, that they are together that gets me through every day and the fact I have no regrets. Even with Jason I was doing everything within my power to get him the help he needed. I know he didnt take those pills with the intention of not waking up. That was something we had even discussed, as my husband comitted suicide and he would never have put me thru that horror again. Thanks for listening and to all who remember me, I again apoligize for kinda dropping off the face of the earth. Now I must go and try to catch up, which will be hard as I have already seen way to many names of people I cared about that have passed on. May god bless us all Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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