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It never gets easier! I am suffering watching my husband suffer so much everyday. Well, he is sleeping most of the time now. I am not sure if it is time but it seems like it. I had a dream that it is time...we are only one week away from the onset of the trip he wanted to take as his "parting cup" and it doesn't look like he is going to make it. He wanted to take the kids on this one last adventure, even if he had to be in a severely altered state to manage. He is not eating anymore. Last night he blamed me for all of his weight loss, told me he hated and resented me for doing such a bad job of taking care of him and for starving him. I have tried so hard to take care of him. I have tried to be by his side through this whole thing. I wanted more than anything to take this all away but I couldn't. I wanted to ease his pain but it was too great. I have invested so much time into getting ready for this trip, per his wishes, and now he has turned my being away to make preparations as abandoning him. It crushes my soul! It was his last wish and I was just trying to make it happen for him. This is hard on me too. He said I am the lucky one because I get to live, I don't have to die and I told him that it is hard for me to have to live without him.

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I don't know what to say...there isn't anything to say that will take away such heartache. I only hope it helps you to know we're listening to you and you can come here and let it out. I am so very sorry for what you are all going through.

Rochelle

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oh Flowergirlie

I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I believe that he is lashing out in pain and frustration. Just know in your heart that you have done all you can for him and that it was done out of love. He knows how much you love him and though he may not show it Im sure he appreciates all you have done. You and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers. Life is sometimes hard so go easy on yourself

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This is one of those times when I just wish I could come bring your family supper, or spell you out, or take your kids for a while.

He IS lashing out out of his fear and pain, and I'm sure you know that and it doesn't help a whole lot....

But you HAVE done SUCH A GOOD JOB of supporting him, advocating for him, doing all you can to make his wishes a reality. Don't doubt yourself for a second. It sounds to me like the disease is talking, and I just hate that for you.

Many, many prayers and so much love and care for you all.

Val

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In some ways I can relate to what you are saying. I think it is harder knowing this is happening than not knowing. We did not know. You and your Hubby do know. What he is exxperiencing is Fear of the unknown, and It is indeed a BIG Unknown. Please do ont blame him for what he is feeling. Yu have done everything humanly possiblle to help and support him. The things we do for our loved ones speaks volumes about the love we feel for them. Sometimes it screams because it speaks so loudly. Ig you can you may want to talk to a member of your clergy, maybe together ASAP. it may help bith of you out. Deb and I had a discussion 15 months ago. we knew it would happen but not when. She told me she was tired of all the chemo but would keep fighting with every breath she could take. If she saw the light, and you know what I mean, she woould go to it. she would not turn and look for the light though. It had to Shine in front of Her and it did one morning 15 months ago this weekend. It is not easy going through this with out our loved ones. It is an emotional train wreck going some where to happen. And we are the passengers on the train. If you get a chance, try this website. We use it and I believe it is a sticky in maybe the grieving forum. Ther may be some help here;

http://beyondindigo.com/

I will say an extra prayer for both of you tonite. I do hope you both find some inner peace and some extra strength. I know the Pain of losing your soulmate to this disease and it still hurts every day. Sorry so long winded got going though.

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Your husband doesnot mean any of what must seem to you very cruel statments. We often hurt the ones we love when we are frightened,and can't understand what is happening to us. You know in your heart of hearts that you have done everything possible and more for him.He's really lashing out as it is so unfair having to leave you and your children,and he still wants to share his life with you all.

I wish I were near by so I could help you as you did me through your mails. I can't so I sent you all my families love and prayers, for the coming days.

God Bless Sonia UK XXXX

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(((Melinda)))

you know I'm here for you, it's such a helpless, devestating thing to watch the man you love decline right before your eyes. You're the closest to him, of course he is going to take all of his pain, anger and fear out on you. You know that I know how quickly small cell lc moves and that is what is happening here, I can't tell you in what specific ways, except that it is. try to talk to his nurses about getting him less aggitated, unfortunately he probably needs to be sedated more.

I know I felt so awful whenever I told the nurses and drs. at the hospital to up Carltons' morphine, but I didn't want him to suffer, I wanted him to be totally out of it, was it easier on me and my girls, no, but my bottom line was no pain for Carlton.

I hate cancer, it sucks, it takes and takes .....

even though you feel like you are all alone, please, please, make sure you take care of yourself, like I mentioned before, even if it is just making a cup of tea for yourself.

I know you don't want to hear some of these things, but you're in the "fog" I spoke about and you will get thru this, unfortunately you have no choice, but I found posting when I went thru all that w/ Carlton and coming here and reading everyones' prayers and love, it meant so much to me and it still does.

PM me if you want to..

luv,

Grace

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Melinda,

I'm so sorry. I know your hubby doesn't mean what he says. But that doesn't make it any easier on you. It must be absolutely heartbreaking. You're doing everything humanly possible to help him and to make this time as good as it can be, and you have to believe that and never forget it. He'll know it and he'll appreciate it and he'll love you for it, even if he's unable to express it. And your kids will know it too. You just have to believe that. A lot of people wouldn't have even tried to make the trip happen under the circumstances -- that says a lot about who you are and how much you love him.

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Melinda...

I know how hard it is to sit there and watch someone you love so tremendously suffer through the stages of their own grief as they prepare themselves. I know you know what's going on with him...but it doesn't make the sting any less painful. I so wish I could just give you a great big hug and sit with you a while. My heart is breaking for you.

You've done a WONDERFUL job of handling everything that's been thrown at you with grace and dignity and love. Remember that when it's hardest to keep going. And remember that we're here, those who've been there before you and those traveling with you, and those yet to travel this road.

(And, btw, Mom was flipping out about the door "slamming" the other day...so we all make sure it didn't make a sound when it closed...then she complained about something else...I KNOW where you're coming from!!! :roll::wink: )

Much, much love and many prayers for peace and comfort for you all...

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Flowergirlie: I can't add anything to what's already been posted. You're going through hell & it is very unfair. I've read most of your posts & what I see is a very brave, strong woman who has done her absolute best for the man she loves. This disease is brutal. It changes everything and everyone and I hate it. :evil: Prayers for peace & strength. God Bless

wendy

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My heart breaks for you so much. I have no firsthand experience yet, but I do recall some people close to me expressing that the loved one takes things out on the caregiver. We all know, and you know, how wonderful you are. I wish you peace.

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Well, I had to call the doc because I couldn't take it anymore. The oncall doc said there is no reason why he should not have had breakthrough pain relief and called in a prescription which is seemingly helping to mask the pain. Hubby said if he can just feel like this then the trip is still on. We would be going to Cali, our old stomping grounds, and visiting our old favorite places. He said if he can make the trip, then he will go peacefully upon our return. It breaks my heart but it is what has to be.

Tomorrow he is supposed to have a chemo treatment in order to help with the breathing, which is labored, so we will see if that happens. The kids are having a horribly tough time but understand that his pain is unbearable and wish for his peace above everything.

Thanks for all of your support!

Flowergirlie

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I am so thankful that you made that call and have the pain under control. Once again, this proves what a loving caregiver you are.

I wish I had comforting words of wisdom, but I just weanted you to know that I care, and that I'm praying for you and your whole family.

Kelly

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Flowergirlie,

I am sorry you are going through this. I just went through it w/ my sister as well, and even though it has been almost a month, I still sometimes feel like I wish I could have done more, because I was the person she looked to for care and answers...Just know you are doing your best. I hope you are surrounded by people supporting you. There is a very good book, called Final Gifts- by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. It is about helping your loved one through their final time. It is very good. It is about understanding the language of the dying- even if they are on lots of morphine etc...It helped reinforce for me the things I would do for my sister.

I sincerely hope you get to take your trip. Best of luck to you and your family. This is no easy journey.

Peace,

Marco Jo

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