Patti B Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Hi everyone- Its taken me a few days to absorb all this so here goes. Seems like other than Cat's sister Kelly, theres been no news but bad news around here so I might as well add to it. As some of you might remember, my last scan 9 weeks ago showed moderate shrinkage - the first since 2006. So when I had to get a scan last week, I was cautiously optimistic that it would be at least stable. After all, I have been on an energy kick lately, raked in 440 lbs of topsoil and planted grass where a tree fell, have finished ALL my flower beds which included lugging about 20 bags of mulch, planting annuals and dividing perennials (I have lots more beds than most) and then 2 weeks ago decided to paint my bedroom and put up a border. Well, that wasn't to be. ALL the shrinkage from the last scan is back PLUS more!!! Damn!!!! I was devastated. Seems like when I feel bad, I get a good scan, and when I feel good, I get a bad one. I really had wanted to stay on Navelbine a bit longer. And then it happened. Now, remember, this doc is new to me - only the second time I have ever seen him. He didn't know, till I told him, all the things I have been doing. He didn't know, until I told him last week, that I have been blessed with no side effects from chemo. All he knew is that I have had 56 chemos and finishing up my 5th line of treatment. And he asked the question "do you want to continue?" And that did me in. I screamed at him that yes, I have a son and I wil NEVER, EVER give up. We talked and he said he really doesn't want me to quit but wants to keep that line of communication open - even said sometimes patients won't bring it up for fear of offending the doc. I cannot shake what he said to me. I have talked to one member here who said her husband was asked that all the time, I just never have before. My first onc never asked but then he left when I was very early on in treatment; and that last jack-*ss I had was probably way too arrogant to include me in plans. I just can't get over it. I guess because I realize that the day will come when he will tell me I am done. You know, I was given 12 months and am now almost at 34 months. Trust me, I am not living in denial-ville but for a while, it seemed like that probably unrealistic goal I made for me and my son Nick - to see him graduate in June 2011 maybe, just maybe could happen. I have always said God can take me the next day, as long as I see him graduate from high school. But now..........I don't know. And I am scared. I really truly will never give up, when Cleveland Clinic tells me I am done, I will look for somewhere that "thinks outside the box". I had to tell my husband and Nick over the weekend. You know, I am grown and I am old - but why the hell does this have to happen to my son??? He has been so happy lately - how fricking unfair is this to him??? I just love him so much. So I received my first chemo of Gemzar Thursday. It is also weekly; three weeks on and one week off. Doc told me that when that fails, he will restart me on Taxotere. And after that, not a whole lot left. Damn!!!! And I am also getting an MRI of my brain next week - hope this time the ole brain doesn't break the machine like last time!! So if anyone has any old, unused prayers laying around and wants to get rid of them, please think of me......NO......please say them for Nick. I can see the sadness and worry in his eyes....God I hate cancer SO much!!! As always, thinking of all of you and praying for ALL of us!!! Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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