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My latest scan/Update/7/13/09 Update


Patti B

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Hi everyone-

Its taken me a few days to absorb all this so here goes. Seems like other than Cat's sister Kelly, theres been no news but bad news around here so I might as well add to it.

As some of you might remember, my last scan 9 weeks ago showed moderate shrinkage - the first since 2006. So when I had to get a scan last week, I was cautiously optimistic that it would be at least stable. After all, I have been on an energy kick lately, raked in 440 lbs of topsoil and planted grass where a tree fell, have finished ALL my flower beds which included lugging about 20 bags of mulch, planting annuals and dividing perennials (I have lots more beds than most) and then 2 weeks ago decided to paint my bedroom and put up a border.

Well, that wasn't to be. ALL the shrinkage from the last scan is back PLUS more!!! Damn!!!! I was devastated. Seems like when I feel bad, I get a good scan, and when I feel good, I get a bad one. I really had wanted to stay on Navelbine a bit longer.

And then it happened. Now, remember, this doc is new to me - only the second time I have ever seen him. He didn't know, till I told him, all the things I have been doing. He didn't know, until I told him last week, that I have been blessed with no side effects from chemo. All he knew is that I have had 56 chemos and finishing up my 5th line of treatment. And he asked the question "do you want to continue?" And that did me in. I screamed at him that yes, I have a son and I wil NEVER, EVER give up. We talked and he said he really doesn't want me to quit but wants to keep that line of communication open - even said sometimes patients won't bring it up for fear of offending the doc.

I cannot shake what he said to me. I have talked to one member here who said her husband was asked that all the time, I just never have before. My first onc never asked but then he left when I was very early on in treatment; and that last jack-*ss I had was probably way too arrogant to include me in plans. I just can't get over it. I guess because I realize that the day will come when he will tell me I am done. You know, I was given 12 months and am now almost at 34 months. Trust me, I am not living in denial-ville but for a while, it seemed like that probably unrealistic goal I made for me and my son Nick - to see him graduate in June 2011 maybe, just maybe could happen. I have always said God can take me the next day, as long as I see him graduate from high school. But now..........I don't know. And I am scared. I really truly will never give up, when Cleveland Clinic tells me I am done, I will look for somewhere that "thinks outside the box".

I had to tell my husband and Nick over the weekend. You know, I am grown and I am old - but why the hell does this have to happen to my son??? He has been so happy lately - how fricking unfair is this to him??? I just love him so much.

So I received my first chemo of Gemzar Thursday. It is also weekly; three weeks on and one week off. Doc told me that when that fails, he will restart me on Taxotere. And after that, not a whole lot left. Damn!!!! And I am also getting an MRI of my brain next week - hope this time the ole brain doesn't break the machine like last time!! :D

So if anyone has any old, unused prayers laying around and wants to get rid of them, please think of me......NO......please say them for Nick. I can see the sadness and worry in his eyes....God I hate cancer SO much!!!

As always, thinking of all of you and praying for ALL of us!!!

Hugs - Patti B.

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I have lots of prayers going up for you Patti. I hope you little or no side effects and that this next round is a complete success.

Keep us updated. We are here, lean on us.

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Oh Patti.......I picked up the hints you were giving just waiting for you to be ready to share. Ya know ~ I really thought I was done ~ all used up ~ UNTIL I read your post. Such emotion has just swelled up in me to just beat this damn cancer to a bloody pulp and then stomp on it to boot. I have so many prayers now that have nowhere to go - so, dear friend, they are on the way to you and Nick. We WILL believe that THIS is the protocol that will knock the bast#$d down. Your post made me take a step back and think about how we can NEVER walk away from this fight. That would just make lung cancer laugh even louder. So much love and support are on the way from PA - and since that isn't too far away - it should be there real soon.

Kasey

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Patti you are the best fighter I know and I'm sure you will be there for that graduation in 2011!!! This could very well be the treatment that gets shrinkage or at the very least stabilizes everything. Everyone here can understand that it must have been a difficult week for you. But we are certainly here for you to lean on and we'll help any way we can. Take care friend and you know you are being showered with prayers from up north.

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I have plenty of prayers to spare, and am sending them your way. I believe the body has an amazing way of fighting to reach a time goal. I believe you will be the proudest mother in that graduation audience!

Keep fighting and don't take what the Dr said the wrong way. I have knon so many people that were too afraid to say "no more meds" and I think he was just opening that line of communication. It was just new to you, given that jerk you had before. I'm sure he's more than ready to help you fight and fight and fight.

Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way!

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Patti,

I am tagging my prayers with Kasey's. Hopefully this will quadruple their effect and beat the cr*p out of this disease.

It is just unbelievable that you can feel so good and still have progression. You and your family will absolutely be in my prayers.

Wallow in the compost pile for a little while and then put a smile back on your face and get back to the garden.

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(((Patti))),

You and I have already discussed this in email and I'm the one who said that my husband's onc would always ask if he wanted to continue. Patti, you can't read anything into it. I think it's just the way each doctor approaches treatment. Mike's onc always let Mike know that his treatment was his choice. We all have to make choices in our medical treatment and I find that doctors are forever saying " I would like to treat ____ with ___ if it's ok with you ?" I think it's to cover their butt in that they put the ball in your court to decide if you do or don't want to go with treatment, they don't want to be blamed for forcing anything on you or not explaining that you do have a choice. So, now that I said all that , I hope it made sense.. :P ...

My heart does go out to you in regard to Nick , your hubby and your family. I know you want total happy thoughts for Nick and for him not to have to worry, but I think you are right in keeping him informed of everything. He will know that you are always being honest with him and that in itself is important I think..

You sound like you are doing just great. I hope the Gemzar will treat you well and that you have the same great results that I know many have gotten from it.

Lots of love and prayers coming your way.. Know that I'm always here for you.

Hugs,

Sue

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Patti,

You sound just like my dad. No one ever told him he should stop. My mom asked the doctor at one point and he said no, unless my dad wanted to he was entitled to fight this damn thing as long as he wanted. There are always clinical trials and there is always a second opinion! You do what you want and never take NO for an answer. I really think its important to feel like/know you are in control of your decisions. Take it from a psychology teacher.....you need to feel ok with your choices, nobody else! I will be saying some extra prayers for you and like everyone else I agree...........CANCER SUCKS!!!

Tammy

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Patti,

I've been complaining that I am no longer a human rototiller - I better buck up and get moving to keep up with you! On Gemzar only days, I would feel so good (with no nausea or other meds) that we would go out for lunch right after I got unhooked. I wish you easy days and lots of them.

Stephanie

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Oh Dear Patti,

Surely, it seems you've been through enough already. Having never walked in your shoes, your doctor seems bent on pleasing you. Now that he knows your position, I feel certain he'll treat you accordingly. I remain in awe of you, myself. Nick is certainly a great incentive and your goal of seeing him graduate is great but don't forget to live a little for Patti along the way. Of course I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Hugs,

Will

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so sorry for your bad news---but am sending hope and prayers your way

hey--you have beat the odds already---

why can't it continue?

best regards

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Patti, like Kasey, I was picking up the hints but was still devastated when I read your post. From one flower freak to another, like ts I'm in awe of the energy on which you continue to draw. Your fighting spirt and that energy mean alot. But now that the garden is planted, I hope you can crank it down a notch and and enjoy the blooms. Please be good to yourself and get plenty of rest. We're all here rooting for you girl.

Judy in Mansfield PA

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Patti (((HUGS)))

I am so sorry to read this update. You are a true fighter and although you're feeling down right now I have absolutely no doubts that you will live to reach your goal of seeing Nick graduate.

One day at a time....

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My Friend,

I have pleanty of old and new prayers for you!! I am very sorry

the news was not what you had hoped.

Alan's Drs usually asked him if he wanted to continue treatment. It was

his body, so should have been his decision. I respected his Drs for that.

(((Patti)))

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I can relate so well to how badly you want to see your son graduate. When I was first diagnosed in '98 my youngest was a junior and that was all I could think of -- seeing him graduate. I also remember how hard it was on him dealing with all of this. I will never forget how excited and grateful I was to be there to see him walk down the aisle to get his diploma. You are a fighter and you will be there at graduation, I have no doubt. In the meantime, I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers daily. Diane.

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Oh Patti, I am just torn apart with your news. My apologies for chiming in late but I wasn't on the board yesterday. I have been thinking of you.

My doc asked me if I wanted to try Navalbine or just "stop" as well. And she asked me what I was hoping to achieve from that. I said to achieve "stable". It was a very short conversation but one that really does have an impact on you. So I know very well how you must have felt. But you and I know there is always hope. I figure if I am not suffering too badly from side effects then there is no question about continuing on with treatment.

I have many prayers for you my friend and for Nick as well. I agree with you, this is most unfair to our kids. You will meet your goal of seeing Nick graduate and you will surpass that. Because we all know you won't give up. You are truly an inspiration.

Your friend

Sandra

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My thoughts are with you and your family as you gear up to fight for stable one more time. You have offered me kind words and I sincerely hope that my thoughts help you achieve stable as Sandra says so you can see Nick graudate. I felt the strength in your encouraging words and hope you feel the strength now that you need some as well.

Annette

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