Treebywater

You vent anytime you need to. That's why it's called a SUPPORT community. I can relate to the fear... I've been going through that a lot myself lately. Worrying about Dad, about Carolyn, about my husband, about whether or not I'll be there for my daughter. (((((hugs))))) to you. It all just hurts so badly.

Beth... I don't know what to say... Except that I care.

Linus-- I just want you to know that we went through that too. In a week or so, my Mom went from being up and around, playing trivial pursuit, and able to at least get up and sit in her chair for a bit, to being bed bound, to losing words, to losing language entirely. I dreaded waking up each morning because each day the change was even more dramatic. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I hope and pray that the confusion is temporary. Whatever happens, we're here for you.

I'm so sorry, Kathi.

I'm praying that it's nothing more than too much time at the Pub. Carolyn is blowing you good luck kisses for tomorrow. Check in and let us know what you know.

Ah, Cin... you are one of my very favorite people. I'm SO GLAD breathing is easier for you.

Oh Hebbie... i'm so late in seeing this and I don't know what to say except we're here. We care. We're pissed off with you, and we're praying for you.

It took me a long time to 'get this' enough to do something about it, but I finally came to a place where I HAD to ask for help. I'm not in a place where I feel like I have a whole lot of support, but I knew one or two people that would help. So... I called my best friend here and said--I need dinner's made... could you see if there are people who might bring us some? And then I called our next door neighbor and said--I can't get the house clean enough with all that's going on. Can you help? I started doing this at a time when I really NEEDED to be with Mom, and I'm so glad. Think of those one or two people that you know you can count on and say--HELP! I know how difficult it is to juggle everything. Your husband is so blessed to have you care for him as much as you do. But be gentle with YOURSELF too. For your sake and for his, you need to take care of you. You can do this. We're here for you.

Fay, When you take the time to share from your experience, or relate to others' experience (which you do graciously, very often), you are one that I ist up and PAY ATTENTION to. You do a good job of reminding us to feel the feelings, but not get stuck in them. You are admirable, real, and challenging. And those are only some of the things that I have come to truly appreciate about your input to us all here, and especially to those things you have spoken to in my life.

(((((Pam)))))

Crying here.... I'm so grateful for you both. You teach me so much. I won't stop praying. I am full of hope for you guys.

I was asked that today, in fact.... and I tried something I'd never tried before (because the man was a man of God, and I figured he wouldn't beat me up or anything. ). I was just honest. I said--"The last question that anyone with LC or who has a family member suffering from it is the first one that always comes up. It's, "Did he/she smoke?"" "Why don't you like that question?" "Well... It implies blame." Now if you have a really awful person then they may go off on the blame game tangent. But reasonably nice and considerate people might stop and think the next time they here of an LC diagnosis. ((((hugs))))

Certainly respect your Gramma's choice first and foremost, whatever it may be. But do let her know that there IS hope and there are treatment options for stage IV LC with mets in all of those areas. There are many people here who are fighting all kinds of mets and still going strong. I know Don Wood has already posted--check out his and Lucie's story! Let your Gramma know that if she WANTS to fight this than a second opinion may be in order, but that above all you respect and support her choices. ((((hugs))))) I know this is very hard for you and I'm sorry you've received this news.

I know this must be so hard for you both. Your Mom wants to cling to her independence.... So much is out of her control already having this disease and this is just one more thing that she's losing... and you want to protect her, protect others, and especially protect your children. I'm sure you are affirming her independence as much as possible. The roles get so confused when we go back to 'take care' of our parents don't they? I'm wondering... is there someone kind of objective that could talk to her about it? Maybe even the doctor? We're here. I know it's hard.

As usual, we're on the same page on this... Yeah. The whole, "Aren't you back to normal, yet?" feeling that I get from other people always puts me on the defensive and makes me want to back off even more. Part of me can understand... I know they don't want to hurt me by mentioning what happened. We didn't necessarily sit around talking about my mom a lot before... but still somehow I need that part of me to be acknowledged. On the other hand, I've noticed in general that I have a hard time not being irritated by most of what people say in regards to my life right now. And I think that has a lot less to do with them, and a lot more to do with me... I am this taut little ball of emotions right now... I hope that wears off. Somewhat along these lines--A friend of mine, who I used to consider very close, but who just hasn't been there through these last few months in the least, asked me yesterday if, "I've had time to relax now... even with the baby." I was floored by this. I couldn't figure out what in my life would lead to a sudden surplus of time for relaxation. My husband's deployment? Yeah.... going from doing this life and raising of baby thing as a couple to a doing it by myself is relaxing. Did she mean since Mom had died? Was that to somehow imply that now that I wasn't worrying about or caring for Mom that life was easier? I suppose the busyness level of intensity has eased in some ways... but the energy it takes to grieve and to realize that she's just not here anymore... That's stress. That's not relaxation. I just don't get it. I don't get people. And... I'm trying to use that as an impetus to try to be very sensitive to people even in situations I don't understand. ((((hugs))))) to you. It is very ok for you not to be "back to normal." Your life is so much different than it has for the decades preceeding this time. It's going to take a while to figure out the new normal and to feel like you're on an even keel again. Val

That's not JUST a motorcycle you're crying over... we know that. I would be sad too. ((((hugs)))) to you on this sad day.

I stumbled onto this website the other day, and it has brought be so much comfort. I wanted to share it. It comes from a Christian perspective, but I think could be helpful for anyone. If not, eat the meat and spit the bones, I guess. And it's a Catholic website, but I'm not Catholic, and I'm finding it to be tremendous. I have especially been helped by the guided prayer section. Anyway--for what it's worth, the website is here: http://www.catholicireland.net/pages/index.php?nd=50

I've thought and thought about WHY people always ask, and WHY it doesn't occur to them that it's insensitive. In fact, people STILL ask me now even that Mom's gone. I had a woman have the audacity to ask me "If your Mom knew five years ago what she would go through, and that she would die, would she have quit?" I was like... um... What difference does it make? (Though I was tempted to say--If Mom knew five years ago that she was going to die soon, she probably would have smoked as much as she wanted, eaten as much as she wanted, and most of all gone to Las Vegas and any Riverboat or other casino around and gambled til all her money was gone. Wouldn't you?) Anyway. My theory on the why has many possibilities. 1) People don't know what to say and they say that just to 'make conversation.' 2) Blame the ACS and the high school textbooks and all the media that has linked the two things inextricably. 3) People want to make themselves feel better and less vulnerable to such a monster of a disease so they find a reason for the people to have it that doesn't apply to them. 4) People are dumb and I just need to get used to it. It infuriates me too.

I probably need to get a tougher skin... And I DO appreciate your gracious comments and thoughts. You have given me a lot of support, and many things to think about and I thank you one and all. But I also want you to PLEASE know that I'm not sitting here wishing Dad would sit around and mope. I don't begrudge him having a girlfriend. Of course I want him to be happy! Crappy situation aside, I like his lady friend. I don't take Carolyn out of her arms when she holds her, I don't say "STOP THAT!" when she makes her giggle, or practices waving with her. I'm thinking about what to give her for Christmas, and we already have inside jokes about Dad's total lack of food preparation understanding. I was grieving for a while before Mom died too. Dad wasn't the only one who stood by her side as she fought. I was in WA for the first 5 months or so, but I was fighting with her then. And then I was here in IL for the last 3 fighting by her side. And, just as you said Karen, I lost my Mom quite a while before the cancer took her life. I saw pieces of her fall away bit my bit and I felt her absence in the roles she had always filled before a little more each day. I know Dad had a jump in the grief process, because I did too. I also know that even WITH that jump, the intensity of my grief isn't any less. It's much greater than I expected given that I'd already started before she died. Though I do know that it's a different sort of animal with the head-start. My "shock and denial" phases were nothing like those my husband experienced when he lost his Daddy suddenly. I don't want Daddy not to be happy, and I don't even think he or anyone else should wait some text-book amount of time before jumping into anything new. Above all, as I have told him, I want him to do what he needs to do to get through this. And be assured that each day I try to understand my Dad's point of view. And what I see is that he *is* still grieving. I worry about him because I fear he is trying to rush through the process (even though I know he had a head start)... when the rogue "What about Mom" thoughts pop up I tell myself that he wants to feel again what he did with her because he loved her so much and he so cherished their life together. All that as it is, it's still hard. In my heart of hearts, I still resent this very nice woman--but I fight that resentment, and try to let her know that I welcome her into my Dad's life--and even mine to the extent that I am able. I still have those rogue thoughts now and then and think--What about Mom, Dad? But I have a grip on the fact that Dad being involved with another woman doesn't negate the power of the love and life he shared with Mom. It was pointed out to me very wisely in a PM that my living situation outside of the grief I am also processing through would be difficult under normal circumstances. My husband is gone, and for these months, limited though they may be, so is the rest of "my life." (Not that this season isn't a part of my life that I celebrate, and wish to experience to the fullest...). I'm displaced and struggling with the role confusion that comes when an adult child is living with a parent again no matter what the reason. That would be hard anyway. We're getting through that. We really are. That part IS temporary. I know this. I celebrate this. I count down the days until "the R family's new normal" can begin again. But I have these days--or hours--of momentary flashes of really, really, really hurting. That is the thin slice that you got here. I am grateful for my life now, as it is, even with the hard parts. I have immense joy that comes from being a mother. I am so blessed by ALL of my family. I'm thoroughly enjoying fall. I try to make it a point to remember each day those things that I am grateful for, those things that make me smile... and I walk most of my days with my head held high and my heart cherishing the beautiful things around me. I guess what it boils down to is I'm TRYING. And most of the time I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job.

I'm so very sorry.

Oh Pat... I am so glad you are safely home, but so sorry that Brian is so sick. I can relate to the fear of never having your Brian back... and I hurt for you. I am going to hold onto hope that it's just his system adjusting to the medications. I'm also going to say--each day, even more... Look for the Brian flashes--whether they come almost like normal or just in little moments... look for them and grab onto them. They will comfort you now, and they will comfort you later. With you in this in prayer and love... Val

I know you all aren't suggesting otherwise, but I do want to assure you that I'm not judging Daddy. I can understand why he wants to date. Though it is tempting to feel otherwise, I think perhaps it's a testament to how much he enjoyed being married to Mom. He just wants that feeling back. I'm not going to tell him what to do, and I am being supportive. I've even been the giver of 'dating advice' several times (let me tell you... that's WEIRD). But even with me being supportive. Even with me TRYING to like this lady, it's HARD FOR ME. As far as I'm concerned, Daddy can do what he needs to do... but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy for me to get through the emotions that come along with that. And I have chosen, largely, to keep those emotions to myself. I don't know how to be both supportive and completely forthright, right now. And I don't want to hurt my Dad any worse than he is already hurting. This woman, through no fault of her own, just happens to be a living symbol of the fact that my life looks nothing like what I would expect it to today. She is a constant reminder that my Mom is gone... and that she will never be Dad's wife, or Carolyn's Grandmother again. If I was a little further along in my own grief I think it would be less difficult for me. But I'm still at a really raw place. I suppose I could thank her because she helps me to see that many days.

I ache for you both... ((((Karen and Faith))))

If it were as simple as us just going back to WA tomorrow, I might. As it stands given the potential for me to feel just as badly there, and the great financial cost (not to mention the 2000 mile drive with a 7 mos. old), it just doesn't make sense. We need to get caught up from all the back and forthing C and I (and Andy a couple of times) have done in the last year... And I have a chance to do that. If we go back now, I add debt to debt, have a much higher rent (=have a rent), all the start up costs for opening a new place and find myself in a situation about equal on the lack of support scale. Also it would be interesting for me to single handedly get everything out of storage and set up house. Doable I think. We may have to do it right before Andy returns anyway... but still. The one thing I have going for me there is a church. We had JUST gotten to WAshington and were starting to get settled when Mom got sick... Then there was the great back and forthing. I don't have roots there either. I guess I look at it this way: If I go back to Washington, Mom is still dead, and my husband is still gone. Plus, I may run into how many other unexpeced stresses--money troubles, greater isolation, you name it. I could be trading the daddy issues stress for a whole new set. I suppose what I'm saying is, for now I'm going to try to tough it out. I think I am going to call a pastor today who was great help to a good friend of mine when she was in the area. Maybe just having an in-person sounding board will help. We'll figure it out and muddle through. I've really become an expert muddler these last couple of years.

Ben, I don't have anything to add to Cindi's post, but I wanted to say that I'm glad you asked the question. Val