Treebywater

This is fantastic!

I *Just* started reading that one! We'll have to swap notes sometime. I also wanted to say that the picture of your Dad at the bottom of your posts makes me smile *EVERY* time. I can see why he was and is so special to you.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you. Please be safe.

Delaying because of blood counts is very, very normal though I know how hard it is to wait and wonder if waiting is ok. Just think of it as recoup time for her to get stronger and stronger to fight back HARD!!! I'm glad you're here too. Keep hoping!

Since I just had a major, huge, horribly whiny vent... Here is the flipside: I know things could be worse. We could have more crises arising. I have a beautiful, beautiful, smart, funny, sweet little girl that I love so very much. And that love reminds me of the love my Mom must have had for me. I did have a WONDERFUL Mom and I had 24 wonderful years with her. I love my Dad, and I know he loves me... and one reason he is happy we are here, is that he wants to help us catch up financially after all the back-and-forthing we've done. And that just shows you what a good Daddy he is. Missing my husband so much, just reminds me that we love each other a lot. And that is a gift. It's a beautiful autumn day outside with crunchy leaves on the ground to shuffle through. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I'm not ignoring it. I promise.

The plan was... that during Andy's deployment I was going to be here to help Daddy and be with and help take care of Mom. Mom died. So the plan changed to me still being here (because we were already part way into that plan) and hopefully being able to be a support to Daddy so we could be together after losing Mom and he could enjoy Carolyn. Our apartment in WA is in storage. We don't have a place to live there anymore. I am really starting to feel like I made the wrong choice. I'm not doing any good here. I'm not helping Daddy. He just seems irritated with me because I don't keep the house clean enough and I've been leaving Carolyn with him for 2 or 3 hours a week so I can exercise. He doesn't seem to need any support, and he seems almost resentful of anything that reminds him that his wife died. He's seriously dating a woman already. And I hate that. Mom's been gone three months. A month in, he had started meeting other women. Less than 2 months in, he'd met a woman that he wanted to seriously date... And now date her seriously, he is. I don't want to interfere with his choices. I want him to do what he has to do. But it KILLS me to see them together. It would be hard at any time, this I know.... I think though that it is especially excruciating this soon. Every time I see them it is this reminder that my Mom is gone and this stranger has started inhabiting parts of our lives that feel way too intimate. She holds Carolyn. My Mom was never able to except for very brief moments sitting down, and even then she was terrified she would hurt her so she didn't enjoy it. This woman has taught Carolyn to wave. I nearly burst into tears. MOM should be teahcing Carolyn things. Not this interloper. I know I sound cruel. She is a very nice lady, and if there has to be an interloper, I guess I got lucky that she seems to be a nice one. Ironically, she is a 12 year lung cancer survivor. I miss my husband so badly. And I miss having "my place." Carolyn still doesn't have a nursery. She has a room here, yes... but it's not all decorated to the nines, and cute and baby beautiful. And I don't want it to be because it's not permanent. Nothing is mine. I'm a guest here. The bed isn't mine. It's not my place. If I want to shut myself in and cry, I have to be ever mindful that Dad (and possibly this lady) could burst in at any moment. It feels like a constant state of limbo. One way I thought I could help was by cooking for Daddy, and I thought it would be an added perk that I wouldn't spend six months only having me to cook for, and therefore not cooking. But Dad is never here for dinner now. He usually goes over to her house. So I do indeed eat most of my meals alone, and they consist mostly of cereal, or cheese and crackers, or leftovers from one of the few meals I did prepare. The alternative, I suppose, would be to have her come HERE and I don't like that a bit either. I just.... feel like I'm in agony, and I shouldn't be here. If Daddy needed support, it would be different. If he wasn't moving full speed ahead to forget then maybe I wouldn't feel so awkward. As it stands, I just feel like being here is sitting smack-dab in the middle of a million reminders that Mom is gone, and having my nose constantly rubbed into the fact that this other woman is now here. And on top of that, it is far away from anything that ever was "Us" or "Our place" for my husband and I... and it isn't even a place that will be "us" or "our place" in the future. I hate it. I hate what my life looks like right now. I don't know if being somewhere different would help. IF having my own place to exist in alone with Carolyn would solve anything. I don't know if I should be thinking about going to Washington now, or if I should tough it out through the holidays for Daddy's sake and then go, or if I should just sleep in the bed I made and stay as planned. I just know that this isn't at all what I planned on or expected. I guess I should know by now that things will NEVER be what I plan on or expect.

I'm praying for you guys, Nancy, and I am just so sorry.

I am lifting them up to Abba every time I think of them....

Oh Kathi... I'm so sorry. I WILL pray. I have been impressed with the speed and helpfullness of the Red Cross when they are called with an emergency. Praying for you too. (((((Kathi))))))

Doogie Howser, MD I had the BIGGEST crush on Neil Patrick Harris when I was little.

In WA probably gather up kiddo and hubbie (if he is on land) and head to a state park to watch the waves or wander on trails. In IL read a really good book or find a good movie on. Or if it's just that kind of day, there is always the West Wing DVDs....

(((((Brian))))) (((((((Pat)))))

I love those peanut butter taffy things too! I think they call them Peanut Butter Kisses...... Mmmm... Also am a big peanut m-n-m girl. In fact... Those totally derailed any chance I had of cutting down on sweets last week...

Oh Pat... Praying so hard here. I wish I could do more. Know that you are both SO LOVED.

I'm so sorry, Millie.

This is phenomenal news!!!! I am SOO PUMPED for you guys!!!! You keep us posted!

I'm so sorry Millie. I know how surreal these last days are and how emotional and difficult and my heart hurts with yours.

People who know me pretty well--especially my in-person friends, though I'm sure it comes through on-line too--tell me that I am always thinking, and that most of the time the fact that I'm thinking doesn't stop registering on my face. And what I do is think about stuff. And then think about what I'm thinking about. It all gets very circular sometimes and can get me into trouble if I don't watch it. All that to say that I have these observational thoughts about grief all the time now. They aren't like, "ouch that hurts" thoughts, though sometimes they spring from things that do hurt. They are just thoughts about the process. Thoughts that come from thinking about thinking about it. (I'm really blathering here, so I better just get to the point.) Today's thought was this: When I get a cold or the flu or just something little and sicky, and I'm on the mend, I usually have a day or two when I try to resume normal activities before my body really feels up to it. So I'll go out and doing the flight of stairs will just really wind me or I'll just feel so listless that conversing with people takes too much energy, and all of a sudden I will go... Hmmm... I guess I'm really NOT well enough to be out and about. Well I found out today that grief can be like that too. We had a weinie roast here at our house tonight for our neighborhood--pretty ambitious for Dad and I, I guess. Anyway, I was out there and had the same sort of thoughts... I guess I'm not well enough to be doing this afterall. I'm not as far as I thought. This is really taking a lot more out of me than I expected and it's because of where I am in this recovery I just thought the parallel was interesting. And I think some days I'd be more ready than others. So there is my thinking about thinking about grief thought.

What an incredible kid!!!! You tell her we're rooting for her!

Addie you are SO beautiful!!! That picture is such a treasure! Thank you!!!!

I don't know what it is about driving... it hits me then too. And I have been replaying the last few days a lot myself... And I hate that. I want to think of Mom when she was healthy... but I keep seeing her in the hospital bed in her room not knowing who I was... and not able to communicate. I want to say something comforting and helpful... but I don't know what I could say. Everything falls short for me. I'm sorry you hurt. And I'm crying with you.

This week the group was a little better. I piped up more in discussions... And made myself not be invisible and that seemed to make the leaders remember to acknowledge me more. And I'm still really clicking with the wonderful lady from last week. She is much older than me, but I have the feeling that she is good friend material. Anyway... I will keep trying.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms... but I am doing the same thing. I can conceive of not being with Mom, and not seeing her for now... and for next week.... and into next month... But never again? I find myself forgetting that she's really gone until I look at her picture--especially from when she was near the end--and realize that the person in the picture isn't here anymore. And then I just feel so lost. I don't know Jana... I don't have anything to say that will really help, because right now nothing is really helping me. But... you know I'm here with you. I wish we didn't have to be here. But since we are I'm glad we can support each other.

Well crup. I don't like news like this. But your Mama is SO strong. She'll keep plugging and hopefully the new plan will do just what it needs to. ((((hugs))))

Oh Beth, I wish I could just come sit and cry with you. I'm so sorry you are here. I'm sorry there is so much. I remember what it was like with Mom waiting for the next breath... I slept a night or two in her room to spell Dad out, and I didn't sleep at all becasue all I could do was listen for that next breath. It's miserable and heart-wrenching. You are an amazing, beautiful, wonderful wife and mother. Your son will process this somehow, and I have no doubt that you will help him. I wonder if he knew, but didn't want to know? Kids have that amazing resilience and belief, you know? You and the kids will pull together and you will get through this. Hospice really might help. They could assist you right there instead of you having to do those horrible ER trips. But I know how hard it is to submit to the h-word. We're here hurting with you and standing with you, loving and praying for you both. Know that.