I am finally posting... My mom...

[StarryNite]

I have been following this board for some time... you are all so courageous and wonderful... I had no idea about cancer, I guess no one does, until it hits your family.

My mom was diagnosed with stage Ib lung cancer in February of this year, 2005. Sounds good right, Ib, well, here is what happened. Last year around this time mom had a chest xray and it came out clear except for small scarring on one spot which even my sister didn't question (my sister is a surgeon). In feb of this year mom started coughing up blood pretty bad for a few weeks, she told sis and sis flew her out to Sacramento for tests. Mom got the tests right away and and Pet scan. Xray and CAT showed a mass in her left upper lung, pet lit up only that mass so they scheduled her for sugury.

Within a week she had her upper left lobe removed by Dr. Graves, an excellent surgeon, only he found positive medial stinal (sp?) nodes (after path) meaning her pet was a false negative... my sister tells me the PET has a 3% chance of being innacurate. Anyway, they put mom on Chemo, she started with Taxol and CarboPlatnum and had a horrible reaction with muscle pain and nausea so they changed it for second regimine, she is a few days in now and doing better than the Taxol, but so weak and chest hurts. We are unsure of the stage of her cancer now, it went from Ib to IIIa from diagnosis to post op.

I am 37 years old and my mom is 70, she is and has always been my strength and heart and the center of my world, her and my daughter of 16 months. We both had to leave Colorado on a moments notice cuz she lived 10,000 feet up in the rockies and move to CA.

Currently we are living in my sister's house with no home of our own and it's been so hard. I am without work and am not sure where or even how to make a new life for us all...My sister has room for mom but not my daughter and I, and I am not sure where to turn because I want to be near her. I had to move here as well because mom wants my daughter and I with her more than anything in the world, as do I want to be near her, but I don't think I have helped at all with all the stress. I have not been nearly as strong as I thought I was.

They say God won't give you more than you can handle... but I am unsure this time around...

If you can spare a prayer please send it our way. I am preying for you all, you give my heart hope in your courage and love of life.

God Bless

Starry

[ginnyde]

Starry,

I am very sorry you have to be here, but you will find a great, caring group of 'friends' here that will answer your questions and pray like crazy to help your Mother.

Hope you find work and can get settled with your daughter. This will make your Mother feel so much better knowing that you are doing okay.

Stay in touch with us, we truly care.

[Frank Lamb]

Starry, you will find lots of knowing and caring people here.Sorry to hear of your mom's cancer diagnosis.Wishing you and all your family the best during this rollercoaster ride.

[cathy]

Welcome Starry,

Will absolutely say a prayer for your mom...I am glad you decided to join our group, if there is anything you need to know just ask, there will likely be someone here who can answer your question and there is also the "ask the experts" forums...

We are also here to support you through this. If you need to vent we're here for you..

[Snowflake]

Starry,

Start looking for a job. Get a place for yourself and your daughter someplace near to your sister and your mother. Since you are not a resident of the state yet (six months for California residency?), I'm not sure you would be eligible for any state-run programs like assistance with rent, utilities, daycare, etc. - but check into it, ya won't know if ya don't ask..

I'm not sure how you "moved", if you just closed up a house and packed some clothes, or if you loaded up a truck and left just memories behind...

Focusing on a job hunt will give you something else to worry about, not just your mother. You will also feel more centered if you don't see yourself as a burden (whether you are or you aren't, you see yourself as one).

I'm not sure the plans after treatment, do you want to stay where you are when your mother gets her walking papers and is all fixed, or is this a temporary thing? Sit down and answer the questions for yourself and decide on your plan of action. Draw up a flowchart of decisions you may face and how you will proceed...and plan from that.

You're stronger than you think you are, your perspective is a bit off right now, you've been hit upside the head with some big news! On the bright side, the cancer is out, the big bad tumor is out and all the "minions" are going to be poisoned and nuked. Doesn't sound all bad, don't jump to negative just because the numbers went up (and BELIEVE ME, I know that's easier said than done, read my signature).

I'll loan you a few ounces of strength, but you have to pass it on to someone else when you are finished with it. Deal?

Take care,

Becky

[cindi o'h]

Hey Starry..great advice from the above posts. Just want to toss my prayers in for successful treatment for your Mom and that you can be a big help to your Mom by making a path for yourself.. Although it is wonderful of you to be near her, she needs not to worry one little bit about you or her granddaughter.

Cindi o'h

[shineladysue]

Hi Starry,

I just want to welcome you here and let you know that you can count on my prayers for you, your mom and your family. I hope you can find comfort from the supportive group of folks here. If you have specific questions, there is nearly always someone that has some experience with whatever you are experiencing . Know that you aren't alone.

God Bless.

Sue

[J.C.]

Starry,

just want to welcome you and send prayers

for you and your mother.

Keep us posted and wise people will be able

to answer your questions.

J.C.

[Justakid]

Starry-

Same thing happened to me, went into surgery thinking it was stage 1, came out stage 3A (which is sounds like your mom is).

I know how hard it is, you can handle this. 3 generations from the same mold, if your Mom has all this strength......so do you! You just have to find it. It took a lot of courage to pick up and move your baby to CA! We are the same age, although I don;t have a child as young as you (mine are 13 and ......I too draw strength from my Mother BUT she and my husband can't be there with me always....sometimes I'm alone. Even the CT Scans are starting to stress me out....just having them. When I can't handle it (and that a lot of the time) I come here....and people who are in my shoes and understand what I am going through HELP ME!

Cancer sucks and has changed all our lives! I had a CT Scan the other day and started to crack during the test and cry........I don't like crying in front of people, have a hard time with it. This CT Scan was to determine if chemo was working. I lay there and thought about Lucie Wood (her husband Don posts here all the time). Lucie has been through so much and she's not my age! I kept thinking about everything that she has been through and if she could do it at her age then I could stop crying during a CT Scan and be strong. Coming here HELPS a great deal.

Good luck and keep us posted on your Mom!

[dadstimeon]

Welcome Starry, Sorry to hear about your mom. Prayers for the best. Rich

[StarryNite]

Thank you all SO much for your kind replies, prayers and concern. It is nice to be able to talk with people who understand the pain of dealing with all of this, though I wish no one ever had to

I am so torn right now. When we first found out my mom had LC we had standing plans where I was going to get a place with her in the mountains and she was going to take care of my baby while I worked and my boyfriend (my baby's father) and I were going to support her in turn, we were all excited about the plan. Then this happened and mom went from her condo to CA and never went back, in fact my sister is out there right now moving her stuff out here. All mom wanted was for me to be with her and move out here and at the time it seemed like the best thing to do as I wanted to be with her as well. My boyfriend refused to move with us so we just packed up whatever fit in my minivan and came out here. We want to still live in a country setting so mom and I have been driving around Northern CA and Tahoe looking for an area to live but it's sort of a wing and a prayer as I only have a few hundred dollars to my name and that is it, no assets, nothing .

My sister is going to help my mom out by buying her a nice car and giving her some money, but I feel bad that I don't have anything to give, and I have become so stressed out I am not sure I am even any support to her at all right now, everything I hoped to accomplish has turned out completely wrong and now my daughter's father wants us to come back as he misses her (and me) though we never really did get along to begin with I feel bad taking my daughter so far away from him.

So I am torn between living the last years of my mom's life here with her so she can be with her grandaughter and I, or keeping my baby so far from her father, it seems like an imposible situation and decision. Mom doesn't want to be alone and won't stay with my sister (don't blame her there) and she won't go back to CO, and my boyfriend won't come out here...what to do...

Someone posted here that mentioned that I need to be in CA 6 months to get benefits, I need to call to check on that because there is no way we can stay without help with daycare expense from the state, if that is the case I have to go back.

Anyway, I hope to get mom on here soon so that she can share with you all and not feel so alone. She has been really depressed, especially at the hair loss, and her doctor just prescribed antidepresants which we hope will help, she had the tendency to get really depressed even before the LC. She is not very computer savy and very shy, but I got her here to read the messages and she read them all night and made her feel better in some ways but she was crying because of all that you all have had to suffer, she's very sensitive to other's suffering, more so than her own, she's a very special lady. I know that reading your posts have helped her feel not so alone though, she wanted to make sure I bookmarked the site so she can return when she is feeling better.

Also, she complains of severe pain in her chest, always right after the chemo treatment, is this common?

Thank you all again for your wonderful hearts and spirits and kindness, you are all so brave and it's okay to cry Justakid...it's a release and to deal with this horrible thing so early in your life..well, it's just not fair but you will beat it and be stronger than ever in the end, I am praying for you all.

Huggsss

Starry

[Don Wood]

Hi, Starry! Glad you are posting. My prayers are with you all. My spin on your quote about God is that God will not allow us more than we can handle with His great help. Hang on to the hope and have faith. Don

[Suzie Q]

Starry,

The chest pain is the strangest thing...every time a chemo regimen has worked for my mom, she gets either a pain or a tingly feeling in her chest. So maybe it's a symptom of the chemo at work! However, I would call the doctor anyway and report the pain, just to be sure. They need to be aware of it and decide if she should be evaluated.

The hair loss can be a big deal to some women. Has your mom gone to a wig salon or a shop that caters to women's cancer needs? They have scarves, hats, wigs, etc to help with that. My mom's wig looks very good!

I don't know what your skills are, but you might consider a third shift job so you can get your mom to/from appointments. The child care thing is a bit tricky...often hospitals have on-site child care for their employees (though usually for first shift only), so you might want to start looking there.

About the comment on god not giving you mre than you can handle, I personally think that sometimes he DOES give us more than we can handle...we just have to recognize our human limitations and give it back up to Him. Then He will help us rise to the challenge.

Keep your chin up. We're all praying for and thinking of you.

~Karen

[stand4hope]

Hi Starry and WELCOME!

You've gotten good advice above from the pros. I just wanted to welcome you.

Here are some thoughts about God not giving you more than you can handle: That particular well-known phrase is not in the Bible. We get LOTS of stuff we can't handle. There is very little, if anything, about my husband's disease that "I can handle". It's not about us handling it, it's about God handling it. We all must remember that He doesn't give us His help until we need it. I am very weak about this whole crappy ordeal. Any strength that is demonstrated by me is not me. It's not usually until AFTER the hard time that we realize that He was there.

Hang in there, sweetie! God will see you through this.

Love,

Peggy

[Tiny]

Starry-

Just want to welcome you to our caring group and add my prayers to those already being said for you and your mom and family.

[carole]

Hi Starry, One suggestion I have is to file for child support. Your child's father should be paying if he is not. Also if he has health insurance she should be on his plan. There probably is no waiting period for public assistance if you need to go that route. I am sorry that life is so hard for you right now. I guess you just have to take it one day at a time which is easier said that done. Carole

[Don M]

Hi Starry: I just wanted to add my welcome and support. I see you have received a lot of good advice from others.

Don M

[sharyn]

Starry,

Just wanted to add my own personal "Welcome" to you. Sorry you have circumstances that brought you here, but you will find this a place of great solace. I NEVER would have made it through my Dad's illness without the love and support of the people who have touched my life through these boards. I am praying for you and your Mom. Love, Sharon

[Treebywater]

Such wise words here (I needed them too).

You might not feel like you can do this, but guess what--you ARE doing it. You woke up this morning and are doing what needs doing, and tomorrow you will wake up and do the same thing.

I'm going to be relocating to be near my mother too in just about 2 weeks. I have a different situation than you in that things are a little more stable for me financially, but I have a lot of anxiety about that transition too. So... we can be anxious about our changes together.

I'm glad you're hear. Add me to the list of pray-ers.

[StarryNite]

I must say I am overwhelmed and so thankful for all of your posts, you are all so wonderful and kind and thoughtful. I feel awful in hindsight talking about all my problems when you have all gone through so much more than I... I guess I just worry about being homeless and peniless with my baby, but as you have all said, God is watching over and we will find our way. Sometimes times like this feel like you are cursed, and that God has forogotten you and you feel so alone. My life has always been hard and after losing my father I was never the same, nor was mom.

You all give me true renewed faith, you are so helping and positive even through your own pain.

Carole, her dad does give us some money, or at least has since we left, paid us support, $600 a month it's supposed to be, but not nearly enough to really support her in daycare and food and diapers and such. I need to find a good job, but first I need help with daycare from the state to be able to work and support us so I am waiting to be settled somewhere.

Tree, your baby is ADORABLE, and so new to this world congratulations on the little one! I remember when my Maya was that little, it goes so fast. And thank you for the advice, yes, it sounds like we are in similar yet different situations, the money makes it easier, I am sure, but what it comes down to is our mom's being ill that breaks our heart and it's important for her to be near her grandchildren at this time. I LOVE your quotes Once I am on my own computer again I will post a pic of us as well. If they don't take it in the upcoming bankruptcy

Thank you Tiny, for the prayers, and to everyone for your support, it has really helped me a lot. I think mom is going to stop the Chemo she just can't handle being sick as she has been. She was so ecstatic after the operation, saying "I'm so happy I'm going to live, can't get rid of me that easily!" and was so strong, but since she has found out she needs chemo and cancer still there, and lost her hair and so sick, she seemed to have lost steam and not really care or just doesn't wanna go through the pain of Chemo, I don't really blame her, not sure I would do it at all... it's just hard... but I don't want to see her in this pain anymore either.

Stand4hope, thank you for your words, they ring with much truth to me, something we tend to forget... Footprints...

I'm happy to have found new friends here. Thank you again for all your support

Huggsss

Starry

[Maryanne]

Hi Starry,

I am so sorry for the pain mentally and physically you mom is going through. She has been on one long roller coaster ride. I feel your pain as your plate is so full it is running over. You must be so scared.

I wish I had a magic wand to make things better for you. But you must believe that faith can move mountains. Things will work out for you. As there is always a balance. There is light at the end of a tunnel, you just have to believe it is there. Search for it with your heart and pray for strength as that is what you will need. G-d will not forget you. ASK- Ask and ye shall receive, Seek and ye shall find, Knock and the door shall be open to you.

I pray for you and your mom.

We are here for you. Keep us posted on what is happening with you mom and yourself.

Maryanne

[natalie]

Starry,

I'm so sorry that you have to even be on this website. I know how devastating this whole thing is. I read that Dr. Graves did your mom's surgery and I immediately knew you were writing from Sacramento. Maybe I can help. I live in Sacramento. Send me a PM...let me know what you want to do for work. I can get the word out through work associates that you are looking for a job and might know some people hiring. I may be able to help with info on doctors and areas to live too. I had to move my mom up here too and it was very stressful. I know all to well. I hope to talk to you soon!

[MelanieLR]

Dear Starry,

I have visited this disease from both angles. First as a caregiver for both of my parents & now as the survivor. Take it from one who knows first hand. Your job is way harder than your Mom's. I've told my Husband over & over again, I wouldn't trade places with him for all the money in the world. My point here is, don't feel bad about worrying about yourself when your Mom is going through the treatment. One thing is for certain. If you don't take care of yourself & your needs, you can be of no help to anyone else.

You've received a lot of great advice from everyone & I'll be praying that God may take your hand & direct you in your search for the right job & home. I really believe He'll help you & guide you if you just let Him. There are so many times in my life when I got so wrapped up in what was going on here on earth that I forgot to take His hand & allow Him to lead.

My prayers are with you, your Mom & the rest of your family,

Melanie

[StarryNite]

Thank you so much for your posts, Melanie, Maryanne and Natalie. Again, you are all so wonderful.

Melanie, what you have been through is just... inconceivable... and yet you still give hope to others, you are truly remarkable and I am sure your parents, up in heaven, are very, very proud of your strength, courage and thoughtfulness. Thank you for the words, they have touched my heart deeply and you are so right. Sometimes I just forget the simple faith I have had all my life and get too caught up in the pain and hardship of life, but God has always seen us through and He will see us through this as well, one way or another, thank you again... You are a very loving, thoughtful person.

Natalie, thank you again for your kind words and offer of support to us, you are a remarkable person as well and my prayers and thoughts are with you. I know one day I may lose my Mom as you have your mom, I can't think about that now, hope I won't have to for many years, but I know the pain of losing my father and how devistated I was, and still am, at his leaving this world, my heart goes out to you.

Mom told me tonight she is not going to undergo anymore Chemo, she's done. She's only had two treatments but they are so hard on her, causing her so much pain, we have to support her decision. It's all in God's hands now and I just pray the cancer is gone.

Again, thank you.

Lisa