Anger is setting in

[Nick C]

2 weeks before Mom was diagnosed Keri and I wanted to start trying to have a baby...things went on the back burner.

Well,Keri might be pregnant...Dr. says "questionable" (cramping etc) but the test says yes.

Even if this doesn't work out (we are being realistic) we would never have hesitated to tell our mothers. My mother would have been here all day today. She would have been smiling ear to ear.

This is all she ever wanted. To touch my wife's pregnant belly, to hold a grandchild. And she doesn't get to do that. And I am just so angry about that I can't put it into words.

I'm angry ANYONE else get's to experience our child some day and she won't.

I'm angry that I don't know anyone who when they enter a room, children forget everone else is there like my mother could do.

I'm angry because I don't have anyone to call just to tell.

I'm angry because my Mother was never able to brag about becoming or being a grandmother.

I'm angry I'll never have a picture of my child and Gram.

I'm so devastated tonight. This wasn't right.

I'm angry at myself for waiting to have kids.

I'm angry I'm feeling this sorry for myself.

I'm pretty much missing her a lot today.

[ztweb]

Oh Nick, I am so sorry to read your post. You are such a neat guy, I hate to see this...Your mom is that angel who is wrapping her arms around your sweet baby, and giving her peace...no matter her journey.

You have EVERY right to be angry. Yell, scream, throw things, punch pillows...because you know what..it just isn't fair. God is the only one who knows and that doesn't make it easy on us.

Please know you have my prayers for your baby doll, and for your heart.

God bless,

Jen

[Treebywater]

((((Nick))))

I'm angry with you and for you.... I so wish she could have been here to hold that baby in her arms.

[RandyW]

I too feel for you Nick. I have not lost mom but lost my wife. I do hope you are having a better day and that your guardian angel is watching over all of you always. Sending prayers and Good thoughts.

[Kasey]

Nick, someone here (KatieB?) posted that our loved ones who are gone actually get to 'know' our unborn babies before they ever get here to us. So I choose to believe that your dear Mother is picking out just the 'perfect' baby for you two and is already loving him/her up. So when that dear baby finally makes its way to your arms, he/she will be filled with the love of your Mother and that love will find its way to you. That may be corny, but why couldn't it be so??? You may never have that physical picture of the two of them together, but you will have it in your mind's eye....and sometimes that is all the better.

Hugs and hope to you both.

Kasey

[carolhg]

I am so sorry that you have this pain Nick. Prayers

Carol

[Maryanne]

I definitely believe that with all my heart that your mom does know your baby already. So I totally agree with Katie.

I am really excited that you may become a dad. That is a blessing and a gift from heaven.

Your mom through not physically has a connection with your little one from the other side. She is so happy and proud to be a grandmom.

I could imagine how bittersweet this must be for you. I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. But it will get better. Just relish in the wonderful news that you guys may be responsible for a new life.

When Joel was first diagnoised, his first thought is I am not ready to go. He really wants for his grandchilden to know him, physically and not just through pictures and stories. So I definetly relate to your situation. The problem we have is neither child is near marriage and are both in their 30's.

I hope you are feeling better and I pray there is a baby on its way! . You will make a wonderful dad!

Maryanne

[gail]

Everytime I read your posts I marvel at what a loving son you are and hope my 21 year old son has even SOME of that.

I'm sure you have read up on grieving and then you know that anger/depression is a very real stage. I have shared this site before

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

It's good to refer to when you feel the anger and the grief creep in.

gail

[Don Wood]

Nick, your reaction is quite normal. You have discovered the loss of connect between the two generations. It is a time to grieve.

My parents died before I got married and had kids. At some point after my kids were born and growing up, I realized the loss of connect. I grieved again. A good friend suggested I write a letter to my parents and tell them all about the three kids. This I did and actually mailed it to the burial place with no return address. It helped me emotionally to do that.

Then I copied letters my parents had written me when I was overseas and shared those with my kids. I also have told them stories and memories of my parents so they could have those as well. My heart is with you. Don

[joanie55]

Nick,

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. As a mom I totally relate to how you feel. My feeling is I will always be with my loved ones in one form or another. There is no other way. I love my future grandchildren now as well as the one I've been blessed to meet so far.

Really wishing this amazing gift comes to you. You deserve it and your mom will certainly know and be smiling.

Keep us posted!!

[pewjumper]

I'm just going to be honest. It's been a while since I've cried while reading here, but this post sure did a number on me today. Nick, when I first came here when we didn't know for sure if mom had lung cancer or not, I read your profile and bawled like a baby. I went through every one of your posts and I grieved for your mom just as hard as I was grieving for my own. I saw how much you loved her and how unfair it was for you. I simply identified with every thing you ever said.

I, too, would relish the opportunity to have my mom hold my child, but I'm no where near that, and the truth is we just don't know what the future holds. What you're feeling today may very well be in my future someday, too. And that just scares the crap out of me.

And so here I am again, grieving with you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Nobody here can take away your pain, but I hope it helps to know that so many understand. I think you're a hero. Your mom had a great son and I'm sure she's still very proud of you. Now you can pass on the legacy your mom left to your child. It's the next best thing to actually having her there.

[Sis]

Nick,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your Mom must have been one terrific woman to have raised such a kindhearted and sensitive son. Just know that she is continuing to look over you each day and must be so very proud of what she sees. Remember, we who have lost a special person to this horrible disease, will experience lots of anger, frustration, and sadness. It's part of our grieving process. Just know you have a ton of people on this forum who are here for you. So vent on... Ellie (Sis)

[Nick C]

Hey everyone, from the bottom of my heart thank you.

I was having an extraordinarily rough night last night, and posting my feelings to you, even before I got one response made me feel better, knowing the caring folks here would be reading or praying or responding.

But for the unbelievably wonderful responses...THANK YOU!!! I'm going to read them all again.

I think I just had a perfect storm. Friday was 3 months, the prospect of children and just weekends in general are tough.

Anyhow, you are all a great blessing to me, and I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I'd truly have been lost without this site and without all of you.

[brsarah]

Hi Nick

I can relate to your anger, although mine right now is a hesitant sorrow, still very raw and new. My husband and I were driving back home today, my mom's service was on the saturday and we were talking about children, and the drive or desire to have them did not feel present in me as it did when my mom was alive. It is a scary, ugly feeling. All I can think is that the legacy you gained from your mother will be and should be passed to your children. I guess this is where faith comes in. You need to have faith that she is still there, still a present and consistent part of your life. My husband lost his father two years ago. Right now, we have just his mother and my father left. It feels like time clock tickig away. Stay strong, have faith. Sarah

[kamataca]

Nick,

I have so been there. My father died many years ago, but the feelings were still with me when my kids were born. I do take solace in the fact that my dad DOES know my kids, and through my stories they have gotten to know him as well. They will even say, "remember the time that Grandpa..." even though they never got to meet him.

Lots of Okie prayers going out to you tonight. I hope we find out soon that we can all celebrate with you. I know your mom would be.

Kelly

[nikkala]

Oh Nick,

I read your post several times before I could even answer. The anger is soo normal, unfortunately.

I found out I was pregnant the same day my mom was diagnosed. My stepdad said "go have an abortion and don't tell your mother about any of it" Well I didn't do that and little did I know how much that child would mean in my moms survival. Anyway, my Nikki was 2 when my mom died. I think I grieved more for her loss than I did my own. My mom always talked about being there for all her firsts, kindergarten, 1st roller coaster ride.......and then she was gone. About a month after she died my daughter all of a sudden had an imaginery friend. It was truly AMAZING how this "friend" could have been my mom. Nikki would tell me things her friend said and did that were just like my mom. That friend stayed around until Nikki started preschool(a first) I found myself soo angry at that time. My mom was not there for this 1st and the "friend" who I felt like was my mom was gone. Nikki had no grandparents as her dad left the picture and my dad was just a jerk. I felt such hatred for them all for not being there for her. As time went by Nikki no longer had memories of my mom. I still show her pictures and tell her stories and tell how much Gramma Linda loved her but even now, my daughter is 13, I still struggle greatly with the tremendous loss for my daughter, more so than my own loss. Anyway I'm sorry this got so long, it just really brought up a lot for me and I wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

It seems to me you had a wonderful example of parenting and will be an amazing father. Through that child your mom will live on.

[Suzie Q]

Oh, Nick!

It is just so WRONG that you and your future kids have been cheated out of that generational link. I was so angry, too, when my mom was diagnosed, because within days, we were leaving to visit our daughter, whom we would later adopt, for the first time. We debated just cancelling the whole thing for about a millisecond...well ok, not at all. And our dear little girl lit up my mom's eyes! But I grieved for her loss and my mom's loss. My youngest daughter is 3 1/2, and will probably retain no real memories of her grandmother, and my oldest is 5 1/2, and her ability to remember Grandma Barb (and Grandpa Jim, as he predeceased my mom by 3 months) is questionable at this age.

But it is what it is.

Don't berate yourself for delaying childbearing. Just live with the decisions you have made and go on from there. You had valid reasons for making that decision, and they were made based on what you knew at that time. Too much time is wasted looking back wondering, "what if.."could be spent in fond remembrance of "what was."

I so hope this pregnancy continues in good health. Congratulations on the positive preg test!

Redards,

Karen

[ErinC1973]

Nick,

First off, congratulations to you and Keri. I know how scary those early days of pregnancy are. I hope this pregnancy continues without event and you are holding a healthy baby in your arms later this year.

Now, I won't lie to you; these feeling you have won't go away when you have the baby in your arms. EVERY SINGLE DAY I feel cheated that my mom never knew Ian, that she never held him in her arms. EVERY SINGLE DAY I see his smiling face, or something new he does, it simply tears me up knowing that I can never share these milestones with her. And some days, I swear I don't remember even giving birth to him, since he was born just three weeks after my mom left us.

So...with that all being said, I can tell you that I feel with all my heart that Ian is a miracle in every sense of the word. See, we tried for four years to have a baby before we had our twins, who are five now. My mom lived with us and saw then through four years of their lives, and was able to kiss them goodnight every night. When I got pregnant with Ian in the summer of '05, my mom was doing very well, but I told my husband, "This is the wrong time. My mom needs me." I knew I would most likely be on bedrest, and unable to care for her the way I had been. And I swear, when I went on bedrest, my mom went downhill. When she died right before I had Ian, it blew a hold in me that will never heal. But, one thing I can see clearly is that God knew He was going to take my mom from me and He gave Ian to me to "soften the blow." Ian is certainly not a replacement for my mom, and it was very confusing to me to come home with this baby, and have it be like we removed one member of our household and brought in a new one, another person who needed care and attention, just in different ways.

I am sad that Ian will never know his beautiful Grandma, whom he looks so much like. He is such a happy baby, she would just eat him up. She PROMISED me she would be here for Ian's birth. I am angry that she didn't know that we named him Ian--the name she picked for him. I look at the pictures of her holding Mikkel and Saoirse, and at the things she bought for them through the four years of their lives that she was with them, and I am sad for Ian that he has nothing that Grandma lovingly picked out for him. I am sad that she will never plant lipstick kisses on his forehead, or rock him to sleep after his bottle. But I am not angry. As Val said in her post, "It is what it is." I guess I feel so defeated that I don't have the energy to get angry.

Again, "it is what it is"--and this is all bittersweet.

[Martha02]

Nick don't forget that she is smiling, she is near you, and you wife and the baby. This should be an happy joy for you and your wife. I know you are angry. my brother's wife was pregnant when she died. and I know that my brother wanted my mom to hold his baby too, like she did with my two. But life is cruel sometime. Out of our control. Everybody tells me:"do you think you mom is happy when you are so sad???" I wish my mom was here to see how funny her grandaughter is. Let me tell you something that baby will fill your life with joy again, that's probably what you guys need right now something happy.

Remember she is smiling from ear to ear.

I hope everything goes well, my prayers are with you!

Martha

[Jana_W]

Nick

I read your post a day or so ago and have been trying to work out how to write to you what I wish to express. I think I have an idea how you might be feeling. I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby when my Mum died in 2005. It was horrible. All the joy that should have surrounded the impending arrival was just lost in the depths of my grief. It was so difficult as most people I knew just seemed to want to ask me how my pregnancy was going and ask if I was getting excited about the arrival. The honest answer was that I was not excited in the slightest. My Mum had died only a few weeks ago and all I cared about was trying to help my Dad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy that I was having this baby and I felt confident I would be a good Mum etc., but I didn't have the emotions to truly feel "happy and excited". I would have given anything to have my Mum back. And then little Veronika was born and I remember how wrong it felt when my Dad came to visit me in the hospital an hour after she arrived in the world, as Mum should have been there with him. I was actually nervous of him walking into the room as I just had no idea what to say. He just cried as he met his new little grand-daughter.

I feel so ripped off that Mum never knew Veronika, never held her, never loved her. I know part of her lives on in Veronika and perhaps Mum really is here with us, watching over us, but I don't want it to be that way. I want her here with us just as she used to be. When Mum died and we were all saying our final farewells before they took her body away I picked up her hand and put it on my big pregnant belly.

I ache for her to have known me as a Mum every day. I always knew Mum loved me, we told each other all the time. But it's only now that I have become a Mum myself I really and truly actually understand how much she did love me. I wish I could have shared that new knowledge with her. That, and so much more, just totally sucks.

I understand how sad and angry it makes you that your Mum won't be here for your children. It just isn't fair. My heart goes out to you.

Jana

x

[Nick C]

Dr. says not good...to be honest I'm upset for Keri. Like she hasn't had enough to deal with these days. For me personally, I hate to say it, but I'm indifferent. A small glimmer of disappointment, but a lot of hope for the next time, being able to take the advice and thoughts here and have a better mind set the next time we find out.

But now Mom has a little tiny grandchild that barely knew us and that she can hold for us.

Thanks all for getting me through this...next time I announce such things, all the stuff will be far more positive hopefully.

[Littlegirl]

I'm sorry to hear that Nick. I've been there myself and it is hard. I think you should put together a diary or scrapbook of your mom that you can share with your children so they can get to know what kind of person she was. Include pictures, her favorite recipes, some of her sayings etc. I think it would be therapeutic for you and something your children (and you) would cherish for years to come.

Hang in there bud!

Karen

[Bev'sSister]

Nick, that is such a sweet way to look at it. My parents are both still living, but sometimes, when I look at my daughters, I can see my Mom. Just the little things they do sometimes reminds me of my mother. So..I hope when the time is right, and you have your child, you too, will be able to see glimpses of your Mom. Good Luck to you and know that your Mom wants you to be happy.

[RandyW]

Prayers, thoughts and 2 BIG WARM BLANKETS Out off the dryer for you both at this difficult time. Try the Blanket sometime I hear it does work.

[trish2418]

Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry for you and Keri. Your mom has the best of you and your wife keeping her company in heaven. Wish I had known your mom; only an incredible woman could raise a son as kind and caring as you. My prayers are with you and Keri.

Trish