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they are telling me I am dying?


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Guest Phyllis
Posted

I am down here in Mississippi. I saw Dr. Schwartz, Dr. Sewell's assoc., with high expectations. My CT scans were stable. In Feb. I swear Dr. Schwart was under the impression that I had done all the chemo I could do and was ready to do rfa on my lung tumors knowing there were 12 of them all together. I saw him today. He said there was heavy mediastinal involvement now and he and Dr. Sewell thought that it would kill me to do rfa. You know this was a risk I was willing to take in Feb. and now.

I jumped through their hoops. I went back to Chicago and did carbo/taxol and one part of gemzar. I came back and now it is like well you have lived well and sorry chemo really doesn't work for you dose it? We know you are amazingly healthy but oh well. I am devastated. I just got my daugther into college. I was looking forward to my life now. I have ran myself into the ground to do everything I needed to do.

This is it. I have to except it. I am the walking dead at 49. I am angry and hate everyone who doesn't have cancer. I am now ugly and I wasn't before this. Help me get through this. How do I change it?

Posted

Oh Phylis,

Right now you are angry, I don't blame you and nobody else would either. I too am young-47 and I too just signed up my 18 yr old daughter for college courses a few days ago.

This IS not fair. I agree. At times like this I have to pray. Last night I have a song downloaded on kazarr or something like that?? My kids use it, not (not very often anyways). I played this song over and over til I felt better. Everyone was in bed-thank goodness because I can not sing. God hears it and I hope He doesn't cringe. :? It is the one--by Mercy--I can only Imagine. If you have not heard it listen. It is amazing and always helps me

Love Cindy

Guest bean_si (Not Active)
Posted

Phyllis,

I'm having trouble responding as I'm so freaking angry at your docs and what appears to be your fate. I don't think though that you should accept what they say. I've seen so many wonderful posts from you. You show such a positive attitude despite the cancer. Maybe they're wrong.

Okay, even if they are right, don't let them rob you of your spirit - don't let those bastards kill your spirit.

In truth, I am speechless and would give anything to find the words to help you through this time.

Cat

Posted

Phyllis,

Seek counseling (geesh, I feel like "Dear Abby" with as many times as I've typed that in the last few days...). You need to work through the anger and the fear and the hate.

Repeat the Serenity Prayer - "God grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference." Figure out what you can change and go from there...

Do NOT give up, there is ALWAYS Hope.

With you every step of the way,

Becky

Posted

Phyllis,

My brain was too steamed to think coherently when I first posted...

REMEMBER, it ain't over 'til it's over! Go for another opinion, seek other treatment, work through your emotions with a clergymen or a counselor. You need to vent the anger, it's not helping your health - it's adding stress to your system.

Find a trial, if possible, keep seeking, keep looking...

...and fix some of the little things you worry about "if you died tomorrow" because you never CAN tell about that darn beer truck. Have a will, make sure your wishes are known - for some reason, that lifted a weight off my shoulders. I did NOT go so far as to plan my funeral (far too morbid), but put into writing how I wanted things to go for my loved ones upon "buying the farm".

Lick your wounds and come back fighting, Phyllis! Take the time you need to recharge and get back into the fray! We're all in this together.

xxoo,

Becky

Posted

Phyllis,

What Miss Snowflake said, I second. You've overcome too much to be defeated now, but there's no problem with getting some help, whether it be a psychologist, social worker, or clergy, whatever you're comfortable with.

Best wishes,

Posted

Phylis,

I have followed your posts since you first joined and thouhgt to my self "My God this woman is so strong! Look where she has been and how far she has come. What is it that makes some people overcome such incredible odds?" Phylis I truely mean these words. Your fight has led you this far, and you are "stable!" There are other options. Do not give up on yourself just because this one option has been given up on by them. You did not come this far to throw in the towel. Like you said, you "got a daughter in college sill," So you are not allowed to give up! Prayers for you!

Cheryl

Posted

Phyllis,

I am so angry too for you! This brings back lots of very painful memories of when my Dad was fighing this cancer and everywhere we went for help we were turned down and were told they couldn't help and felt defeated. But, please, please do not give up. If you don't want to then you shouldn't, no matter what those doctors say. They don't know everything, they aren't God. Don't let them tear down your right to have hope. Remember, where there is life, there is hope. Please turn that anger into a fighting vengence against this beast! I am praying for you.

Posted

Dear Phyliss,

Denial, Anger and finally Acceptance are parts of a grieving process we go through. If you are feeling angry it’s good because if you are feeling you are fighting. We move from one to another and back again as we fight our common adversary. All I can say is God Bless.

Howard

Posted

Dear Phyllis

I can only second what everyone else has said. There are still treatment options for you. You must never give up hope!! Don't let the doctors take that away from you.

Karen

Posted

Phyllis,

I am not even sure how to put into words what I want to say. I hope the anger you are feeling right now turns into the energy you need to get another opinion.

The big oncologist meeting just ended and it seems like there were many announcements about lc treatments.

I am sure you feel like you have been kicked in the heart right now and it is certainly understandable. But you are a fighter and you are not down for the count. Rest up for the next round.

There are many people here that are sending prayers and thoughts in your direction my friend.

Posted

Phyllis,

The good ways have already been written by others,

just adding my 2 cents worth.

You are angry, so direct that angriness towards new ways

of helping yourself, do not let anybody destroy all the good

fight you already did, by words.

You will find ways to help yourself, just look in different places

or with different people.

Prayers for your anger to go in the right direction.

J.C.

Posted

Phyllis, I can't believe how cold-hearted some doctors can be. I vote for a second (third, fourth, whatever) opinion too. You are such a fighter, have endured so much, surely some onc. will have the guts to allow you to fight as long and as hard as you wish.

You will be in my prayers. Don't let the turkeys get you down.

Posted

Phyllis,

Don't give up. Get a second opinion., I know a lady that had a recurrence of breast cancer w/mets to her lung. She was told to go home and get things in order, there was nothing that could be done for her. She did not listen to them, she sought a second opinion and received treatment and she is still here today doing great.

Guest Phyllis
Posted

Thank you for all of your responses. You are all such wonderful people. I am feeling better today. I just thought maybe there was an end in sight to this or at least a break. I see the oncologist down here tomorrow. He is just getting back from the convention. He told me on the phone last week that I probably need to take a chemo break. He said I have lots of options yet, but I just didn't want to listen. He wants me to go to the Univ. of Indianapolis which is what I think I will end up doing. I have worn my body out. I wonder if the carbo/taxol would have continued to work if I hadn't pushed myself so hard. I just wanted my daughter to have a good graduation, which Thank God she did. I have made arrangements with a living will, estate, etc. for her. I have applied for social security disability but I have to keep working until they make a determination. They supposedly have made it a priority and I would get a back check which I can also have for my daughter and to make sure she has a good college fund to draw from. She and I are just so close. I can't stand to think that I would leave her an orphan at 18. She leaves for USC in August so I will just keep eating, excercising a little less, etc. I think I will take a chemo break and probably go back to gemzar maybe with a drug that will help break down my resistance to the chemo. My body spends so much time fighting the drugs and side effects. Sorry this is so long. Just getting my head on straight. How is Mo doing?

Posted

PHYLLIS,,,PLEASE OH PLEASE, DO NOT GIVE UP.. ALL OF THE THINGS YOU ARE GOING THROUGH ARE SO DIFFICULT.. SOME TIMES EVEN TO A POINT OF OVERWHELMING AND SEEMINGLY NOT WORTH IT. MY PHILOSPHY IS CANCER WAITS FOR THOSE TIMES THAT WE ARE SO LOW AND THEN ATTACKS WITHOUT MERCY. SO I TRY WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE NOT TO STAY TOO LONG IN THE DARK PLACE... SO PLEASE AS IT SEEMS YOU MAY HAVE WITH YOUR MOST RECENT POST....PICK YOURSELF UP , DUST OFF THE WEBS, AND GO FORWARD... THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING BRIGHT, WE JUST HAVE TO LOOK... AND I PRAY YOU FIND YOUR PEACE... I ASK MY ANGELS TO HELP ME....BLESS YOU..

Posted

Phyllis,

There is a new trial opening up for those who have had growth while undergoing treatment with Taxotere or Taxol. Growth had to occur within 24 weeks of treatment. Look under the new treatments thread for information on the trial. Please don't give up on you. I'm 49, too, and I say you and I have too darn much to live for to give up on us now...Or to let anyone else give up on us.

Somewhere out there is someone who will help. We just have to find them.

Posted

Phyllis,

Stay strong-please! You need to step back and look at it this way. Before talking to this guy, you were healthy and happy. Nothing has changed. Your no worse off than you were before you walked into that office. Keep your head up. If you feel strong, you may want to get a second opinion. This isnt the only dr. around

jamie

Posted

Phyllis,

I cried when I read your postings. Thank you for sharing your true feelings and allowing this group to join hands and hearts with you. Your anger and frustration and even fear are just a part of fighting. My prayers are with you as you battle on!

Pam

Posted

Phyllis,

First: Becky always (alright, almost always) gives great advice.

Hang in there. Anger is energizing.

Explore those options. Be gentle with yourself. And live each day, so when the beer truck

comes close enough to scare the cr*p out of you, you'll realize you don't have a huge pile of regrets... of "I wish I'd"s.

We're all behind you. It aint over til it's over -- and it ain't over.

Two more things.

YES CANCER SUCKS!!

--and--

Miracles happen every day. I am proof. Why not you?

Love and prayers,

XOXOXOXOXOX

MaryAnn

Posted

I read both of your posts and relieved that you are regaining your strength to fight on. Do not give up!! There are more options out there!! My prayers are with you.

Posted

What a difference a few days has made in your outlook Phyllis. Please keep your hopes up. It sounds as if you have made as many provisions for your daughter as you can. Now you must put your efforts into getting well again. Lots of love to you both. Paddy

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