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I'm a mess.


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I hate to whine with all of the horrible news on the board, but I have been holding things in all weekend and I feel like just laying down and not getting up.

I just don't know how in the hell mom can make it through another brain surgery. She is getting worse every day. This weekend, she did not get out of bed to go to the bathroom at all so she is a mess down there, which made her not be able to do therapy yesterday. She is very confused about everything and she told me this morning she is not going to therapy today. She falls asleep mid sentence, wakes up confused, etc.

When I ask her how she feels she says OK, but just doesn't feel like going to therapy. How in the heck can she recover from brain surgery? I guess we are just following her wishes, but I just don't see how she could possible ever come home again. Reality is really hitting me today and I am getting ready to start work at 10am, with my stomach feeling like it is going to empty at any moment. Blahhhhhhh...

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((((Lori)))) dear,

I cannot answer how surgery is going to happen. I cannot answer IF Mom will be able to come home. And boy.....am I sorry I don't have any of those answers. Actually I got nothin' at all to offer you....except to let you know that you have been, and ARE, doing EVERYTHING possible for you dear Mother. I don't know if the disease has progressed to the point of nor return or not. But if it hasn't, you have proven to ALL of us here that you CAN make things happen. WE are all pulling for you, ya know? And Lori, if you figure there is nothing you can do to change this at this time, hope you know you probably have accomplished more and provided for Mom better than most would have....or could have.

I am sorry you must now go off to work with such a burden. Let me offer prayers and support from afar that you may have the strength to do whatever you must do today. Please let us know what that is.

Kasey

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Lori,

Sit some place quiet and breathe. Deep breaths in through the nose and slowly out through the mouth. Cry if the tears well up and empty out as much of this big ball of ugly that is festering in your chest. THEN think about what is going on. Try to separate yourself from it and decide if this really IS something your mother can make it through or not.

Loosen the constricting bands around your heart and try to think logically. If EVERYTHING you have is still SCREAMING this is the wrong choice, get more answers, ask more questions. Your mother's wishes were made before she reached this point, if she is not able to make the decision now due to confusion, etc., you may need to make it for her. Make SURE you know what you are doing and that your decision - either way - is something you can live with.

I can loan you some strength, but I will need it back come test time, okay?

Love to you,

Becky

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Dear Lori,

I know you barely have a moment for yourself, but I'm just across the river and only a few minutes away...if you need something, anything, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, or an ear to bend...please call me.

Love,

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Lori,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is to stand by helplessly and watch your loved one suffer and deteriorate. When my dad was hospitalized the last time with pneumonia, all he wanted to do was get well enough to go home. He got to go home - but not alive. I focused so much on thinking about the what ifs and whys. Now I wish I would have just focused on every last minute I had with my dad. If I had known then that I had such little time with him left, I know I would have done some things differently. It may sound trite but just be there for your mom. I know you are a wonderful daughter to her - that is obvious. Just be with her, let her know how much you love her and always know that there are a lot of people on this board who care about you and have both of you in their prayers. God bless you.

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Lori,

I have no wisdom to offer. Only to let you know that you have been heard. I read all of your posts. I am at a loss most of the time in replies. But, I want you to know that I hear you and I care. You and your Mom are going through a very tough situation. I wish I had a crystal ball.

Cindi o'h

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Oh sweetie...Gosh I am so sorry for your pain...that "freaking out" feeling. It sucks! I wish I had wisdom to offer. I don't. Other than go with your gut...you have been such a strong advocate for your Mom, you have done ALL the right things. It is hard to stand by and honor her wishes, especially in light of her confusion, but you know you must. I just feel you know her so well...you've seen her battle...search your gut, go with it, and PLEASE don't 2nd guess yourself from there.

Other than that, all I can send is MANY prayers, and a virtual shoulder to cry on. ((((((BIG HUGS))))) to you, and your dear Mom.

Hang in there, dear, and whine away...it's why were here. :wink:

~Stacey

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This just flat stinks.

I don't know how you have held it together for so long! I love all of Becky's suggestions. Just please, please take time to take care of yourself, OK? Come here and vent and rant any timme...don't deny yourself your emotions.

I wish I could reach across the miles and give you a good, solid hug. I'll life my prayers up for you and your mom, instead.

Keep us posted!

:) Kelly

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Lori,

You have to let it out or it will make you crazy. We are here for you and can all relate. Your mom is going to make it through surgery. She is a survivor and knows what her body can tolerate and how she feels. She is making her own decisions, at least she is aware of what has to happen (surgery.)

Just give it to God and let it go, keep the faith. It is in His Hands not ours. If you can do this, it will give YOU and inner piece. The enemy will hone in on your fears and stresses and make it worse. Let go and let God... I'm praying for mom and you every day.

Just keep us posted and come here for support, we love you !

Hugs,

Karen

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I also feel so badly for not being there enough. I have been feeling angry lately bc I have to be at home with granny (MIL) Tuesday and Thursday nights bc we do not have a nurse there to be with her. So, here I am stuck at home with his mom (while his family- 4 brothers and sisters- do not give a shi_) and my mom is at death's doorstep. Tonight will be the same...

We also had Graden's birthday party so I was only able to be with mom for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. I guess what ever I do will never be enough bc I just want her to come home. She wouldn't be a mess like this if she was...

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Dear Lori,

My heart breaks for you and your family. I wish there was something I could do to help you out. Do you have some friends that could help out at your house so you could spend more time with your Mom? Please don't feel guilty you are only one person.

I will be praying that your Mom makes it through surgery and regains some quality of life.

Denise

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Lori,

I don't have the magic answer. I wish I did. My only thought is that Mom wanted this surgery, that was her wish. I think you need to sit down with the surgeon and lay all the cards on the table. Is your Mom's decline going to reverse itself after surgery? If so, what are the chances? Weigh everything out... and then take a long hard look at Mommy and you will know in your gut what the right decision is.... you are a very smart young lady, the answer is there, you just need to look for it. I am praying for you Lori.

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It is too much...just too much. Please ask (or insist) that your husbands family help you with HIS mother. You can't be superwoman right now...something is going to give!

Having more help will enable you to spend the time you want with your mom.

I don't have any advice about the surgery...like the others have posted- it is what she wants, maybe try to talk to her about it again, see if she still wants this, and be there and support her when you can.

Sending supportive thoughts and prayers for you and your mom.

((LORI))

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Lori,

Have the doctor's said anything about hospice or do they fully believe that this surgery will "fix" a lot of the problems your mom is having?

I totally feel for you and the stress of wanting to be there all the time for your mom but having work responsibilities not to mention 2 small children and a family and the list goes on. There are just not enough hours in the day to be there for everyone and be there the way you want to be. Usually, a good long cry and a Michelob light, helps me to find the time to breathe.

You aren't alone and we are all pulling for you and your mom and everyone who is fighting this horrible disease until a cure is found.

Extra prayers for you & your mom tonight,

Trish

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Lori,

Time to talk to your husband about Tuesdays and Thursdays. The woman has how many kids and is depending on a daughter-in-law? That's just wrong... If you divide it evenly among all her kids, they each have less than two evenings a month. Hmmm...

Isn't it amazing how the little shi_ keeps piling up, even when you're dealing with the big crap pile? Ridiculous... Same thing happens here.

Get it set up so you can spend the time with your mother. It's important to her and it's important to you. Don't let it continue to eat you up inside.

Becky

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