Patkid Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Jan 1, 2006 He was in pain He was agitated He was still fighting His Tarceva rash was clearing up I laid next to him in the hospital bed I had moved into our bedroom only 2 days before. Brian had finally agreed to stop tx. It was doing more harm than good and we were looking forward to spending weeks on the 'bridge' between here and there and dangling our feet in memories and goodbyes. (This bridge concept was shared w/ us by Beth and Bill and gave Brian much much comfort~as did the Rainbow Bridge shared by DeanCarl) I matched his breathing. It hurt to do so I rubbed his feet I stroked his face I held him close whispered all things to him The hospice RN came and was surprised at his progression. She gave him Ativan under his tongue, rectal pain meds and an injection. I laid with him and his breathing became easier to match. He made soft moaning noises that I came to think of as comforting himself. I moaned a bit with him softly. I put on his CD of Brennan Manning talking of God's unwavering love. The RN wanted to bathe him. I said I would. The activity seemed to agitate him so I stopped. Soon he would be Heavenly clean. I gave him more Ativan under his tongue and he seemed to relax a bit. Pastor was called and came to pray w/ us His daughters came and stood scared to death near his bed........unbelieving. My sister came to be w/ me More pain meds as he became agitated again. He was hot. I took off the blankets that I needed so badly and covered us w/ the top sheet from our lovely wedding linens (We got married in our home and spent our honeymoon here) His breathing became impossible to match. It really wasn't breathing per se anymore. At 5:40 PM Brian went to the Heavenly Mansion prepared by Our Father. He was reunited w/ his dad, his pets and all the Heavenly beings. They took him from the home we made covered with a quilt made by family for our wedding It was snowing and cold Two years have not eased my missing him Two years have not eased the pain of knowing we did not get 'goodbye time' Our time was spent in battle as he wished. I don't remember much about the services; but Brian was so cold during tx that I could not bring myself to inter his ashes till summer. Brian is now whole, healthy and understands all there is to understand. He has met my Tom who died in 1993 and has told him how he gave me roses on each anniversary of his death. He has told him that he always said that if it weren't for the way Tom loved me I could never have loved him. Brian was kind, tolerant, loving, giving, loyal, trustworthy, honest and determined. I miss him like fire. Two years have not eased the lonliness, longing and resentment. I love and will always love and miss my Superman. Brian, I honor you and love you and thank you for loving me so well. P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Pat, Thank you for sharing with us. Hugs Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 (((((Pat))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 (((Pat))), You and Brian, gave so much of yourselves to all of us during Brian's journey. The memory of Brian will forever live on in my mind and heart. The love and support the two of you gave to all of us could never be forgotten by me or many of us here. We felt we knew your "Superman" and he was so incredibly courageous. Missing him with you , Pat. Thank you for sharing your personal encounter during those final days and hours. You are truly loved , Pat. Thank you for being you. God Bless, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieB Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 (((Pat))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 ((((Pat)))) Sharing in your tears this morning -- what a beautiful, touching, moving, heartfelt story you tell. It speaks so perfectly of your love for each other. What an amazing man Brian was. What an amazing woman you are. Thinking of you today, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Such a vivid recounting of the final day of such an amazing man...such a beautiful love. I can't believe it has been two years. Holding you especially close to my heart today. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 (((Pat))) No words -- just hugs and understanding. Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Pat, Brian was an incredible man. He really was a superman. And your love for one another profoundly inspires me. I know the pain of hoping for 'time on the bridge' and just not getting it. I'm sorry for this day. I'm sorry for all that you and Brian went through. I care. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 My words pale in comparison to yours, Pat. So I only offer my sincere caring and love......and know that I remember. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 ((((((Pat)))))) Praying for the day to pass gently for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 {{{{Pat}}}} How beautiful your love for Brian and his love for you. How kind of you to share with us your last day together, I feel your tears on my face, and your sorrow in my heart. My love goes to you today. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Thank you for sharing him with us today. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Pat--Thinking of you today. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 He has met my Tom who died in 1993 and has told him how he gave me roses on each anniversary of his death. I have been unable to stop thinking about this since I read it this morning. What a beautiful, caring gesture. What a beautiful man and a true love. I'm so sorry for your loss, Pat. With love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 I appreciate all your kind comments. It has been a hard day, but I have tried to just remember how happy Brian is. I am glad he no longer suffers and no longer endures ugly side effects and the intrusion of constant tx. I just miss his kindness and encouragement and cheerleading and hugs and gentle laughter and well.......you all know. I know it is selfish and self indulgent to be so sad about being alone. I know But it is how I feel Hugs for all others grieving today. P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I know today was rough. I'm sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with you today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Hopiong you Had a Little Sunshine today. I know exactly how you feel also.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 ((((((Pat)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nyka69 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Your post left me teary and speechless. I have no beautiful prose, just hugs to you from someone who understands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbvh Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Pat, Thank you for sharing so eloquently your love for Brian and his for you. How blessed you both were to share that love. Many hugs and prayers sent your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Sweet Pat, Your remembrance of you last days with your Brian have moved me completely... The story and journey is a legacy. Although the entire remembrance touched me to my very soul... the one line that has stuck with me and that I can almost visualize is your Brian being tucked into your wedding quilt as he made the final journey from your home. So incredibly sad, yet, so beautiful for you to think to surround him in the love and warmth of that quilt. God Bless You Pat today and forever. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steph74 Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Pat, I started crying when I read this, and I'm not a very emotional person. I'm so sorry for both of your losses - it sounds like these men loved you so very much. It's not fair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dscherer Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 ((Pat)) Your words are beautiful. True love like yours shines through your words. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. It is a tribute to a man that truely does sound like superman. I pray for strength and comfort for you!Thank you! Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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